Summary: Nyota has seen something she isn't sure she likes, but when she talks about it with Spock, she gets some revelations about their former relationship that are even worse.

Warnings: mostly conversation, mentions of severe abuse, non-too-descriptive sex in chapter two

Star Trek isn't mine

„Why him?"

Spock's brows rise slightly. From his position, seated on his bunk in his quarters, he has to look up at her, but something in his face makes clear he doesn't feel like he's in disadvantage, he sits straight, but not stiff, his hands, fingers steepled loosely, lie limply on his thighs.

"We have terminated our relationship eleven-point-three month ago," he says, sounding to all the world like he's discussing shift rotation sheets. "Also, as far as I am informed about your life, you are participating in an 'exclusive' relationship with Mister Scott since our disastrous visit of Psi2000. It is therefore illogical for you to…"

"Yes," she half-snaps. She loved Spock, she really did, but his incapability to understand her point has always riled her right up. "Yes, I'm with Montgomery and I'm happy but…but it all ended so…"

She hesitates for a moment, unsure what to say. Sudden? Strange? Both surely fits, but also, both sounds almost trivial to her.

Finally, when it has been silent for too long and Spock makes no indication of speaking up, she settles for "So unexpected. I mean, I thought we were happy - -or content or, or agreeable, or whatever term you like, even after your…your abduction, you leaned on me afterwards, and then, all of a sudden…"

Again, she has to stop, shrugging helplessly.

In all honesty, she still doesn't know what exactly happened. Of course, she knows that the abduction and the torture had taken a toll on him. After all, she's been the one to translate his garbled language-mix to the doctor, she's been the one to help him with the Aphasia, she's been the one to hold him through the mental examinations he needed after his mind had been so forcefully searched.

(She has not been the only one to do so….but she tries not to think about him right now.)

Point is, she was there for him and he leaned on her and then, all of a sudden, he shoved her away, stared to avoid her, until finally…

"I know, Nyota." Spock's voice is still leveled, calm, but now it is just the tiniest bit less mechanic. He still betrays feeling with her. Despite her anger, it warms her heart a little. "But you have to believe me…I had my reasons."

And that leaves her icy once again.

"Reasons. Reasons!" she spit scornfully. "Dare you believe it, he had reasons."

"Nyota…"

"I know you had reasons, you never do anything without a damn reason!" That's when she realizes she's almost screaming and she has to turn away before she really starts…or before she hits Spock, who, of course, still sits there like he's in a business meeting.

"Nyota, please," he says from behind, but his tone says 'Lieutenant'. "I understand I…upset you, and I assure you it was not my intention. But still, I do not see why you are persistent to discuss my current…"

"Of course not," Nyota snaps before he can say 'relationship'. She knows it's...childish and futile, and she isn't entirely sure why she wants to discuss it – she has a new love in her life and it's Spock's right to have one, too – but even though they are done, every time she thinks about last night in the hotel…it makes her freeze inside and boil with anger at the same time. Maybe it is because Spock always dimmed the lights with her.

Spock frowns down at his hands, then he looks back up at her, brows still drawn slightly together, creating a thin vertical line above his nose. "Are you - - trying to express a continuing emotional attachment towards my person?"

"What?" This time, she almost laughs. "No, no - - well, yes, I still love you, but not like that. Not like that, not anymore. I just want to know…" Why did you throw me away? What does he have that I don't have? "Why, of all people, would you choose Kirk?"

Spock hesitates for a moment, confused, then he exhales softly. "Jim…I am not certain. He is something special. He gives me what I need."

The way he says Kirks name – almost a sigh, so low, so tender, so human – almost has her shuddering, and not entirely unpleasant, but the rest…she's never been so angry in her life. For a moment, she can't even speak, something seems to constrict her neck, sends heat through her belly, coils around her hands and arms like cold compresses.

"He gives you what you need," she repeats. "Two years, Spock, we were together for two years, and he gives you what you need?" It hurts, to be told so blatantly that she apparently never was enough, that their relationship apparently was just a sufficient crutch until Spock was emotionally stable enough to find the partner he really wanted. A final rehearsal before the big gala performance.

They are not touching, but her anger is so tangible a hot wave of red fume, boiling, pulsating that he can feel it even form where he sits and winces. "Nyota, you misunderstand me. Our relationship… was satisfactory."

"Satisfactory," she spits. "But not enough to be a long-term thing, then?"

For her as a human, saying that feels strange, considering they did spend two years as a couple, but for a Vulcan, two years are nothing. A fling.

"You have to admit that we were…not entirely compatible." Nyota snorts and crosses her arms, but Spock doesn't let her talk. "You always wished me to be more…accessible. More human. You wished for our love to become public, and though I did - - did love you…at times, you asked for more than I could give you."

"And Kirk doesn't? He, of all people, doesn't…push you?"

"No," Spock half-whispers. "He always…he gave me the time I needed. He always accepted when I could not…when his pace was faster than mine."

Nyota desperately wants to say something about yesterday night, if it wasn't asked too much to strip naked and spread his legs for the Captain in a brightly-lit hotel room…but she can't. It didn't look like that yesterday, it didn't look like 'lay back and think of the Enterprise', it looked like…like…Kirk would ask Spock's consent for every touch, for every single thrust of his hips, as stupid as that may sound.

"Right," she mutters, suddenly feeling tired and resigned. She can't even really look at him anymore, not while he has that warm, tender expression on his face, visible even when you don't know him as well as she does. "Fine. Fine, he's perfect where I wasn't and you're with him now while I'm with Montgomery. Just…just why did you have to cut me out so suddenly? Is it…was it for him?"

"No." It's beyond her how a single syllable can sound so meaningful – maybe it's the way he almost chokes on the word….but she knows him good enough to see he isn't lying.

She waits for another few heartbeats, but as nothing more follows, she shrugs and opens her tightly clenched arms, letting them fall against her thighs with a frustrated slap. "Fine," she says again. "You don't want to tell me, you don't have to tell me. It has been a year anyways. Doesn't matter anymore."

It doesn't mean she doesn't want to know anymore, but still, she turns away and walks towards the door. Her legs feel heavy and she has to force every step, as if she was walking against a current. Right before she reaches the sensors that would open the door for her, Spock's voice rings out from behind her again.

"He violated me."

Nyota stops dead in her tracks.

TBC...