Tainted Hearts

A/N: Okay, so I haven't posted much since I joined, and this is only my second story. First one is a "Reba" fanfic I started a long time ago, and decided on a whim to post. After the fifth chapter I hit a wall and have no ideas on where to go with it. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue it or leave it up or not. Love to collaborate with other writers, so if you read it and have ideas or would like to write with me PM me. I'm open to ideas and am very cooperative and friendly so don't be shy in the least. I love SVU also and am hoping to purchase all the seasons soon so I can catch up on what I've missed. I had ideas floating around in my head while suffering from insomnia, so decided to take a shot at a new fic. Something new and fresh that I can keep up to date for y'all if you like it and hopefully not hit any roadblocks with. I'm moving in a couple of days and won't have internet for the first while so bear with me there. After that I promise to get back to it ASAP. Also I should post a note stating that this story does and will probably continue to deal with some pretty heavy stuff so there could be some triggers in there for some people dealing with addiction or anything of that nature. This is your trigger warning. Otherwise hope you enjoy and thanks for reading. Not sure how many chapters this'll be. That depends on y'all! :)

DISCLAIMER: I do not own SVU or any of its characters.

Olivia Benson. Anyone who heard that name automatically associated it with one of the finest and best detectives they knew. They linked it to compassion, understanding, unsurmountable will and strength, and someone they could trust without question. She had a lot going for her, and even though she knew this in the logical part of herself, in her heart she had a lot that she hid from everybody. Her upbringing and the things she had gone through in childhood and even because of her job had caused her to be overly guarded and shield herself from hurt, steeling her soul against the world's ugliness.

During the many nights that she had lain alone after a long night working a case at the precint she stared at the ceiling unable to understand how she had gotten where she was. It was her love of justice and the inexplainable force inside of her compelling her to fight for that justice for people like her mother that led her to being a cop, no doubt; but personally, outside of work she felt her life was stuck in a rut, like she was at a standstill. Crying herself to sleep had become routine, as had drinking a little too much on occasion. Most people wouldn't think this was a problem, letting go every now and again and not holding yourself to limits. Olivia knew better. Her mother had been an alcoholic and she knew even the slightest slip could lead her down the same road. No matter how few and far between her binges or "letting loose" nights were, no matter how she tried to justify it to herself, she knew it was a problem if not for her mother having had an addiction to alcohol and the fear of inherriting said gene, then for the simple fact that she knew every time she did it, she was doing it to numb something; some part of herself that she hated or some pain she was experiencing. It wasn't just letting loose, it was her attempt at being devoid of all feeling and emotion. What scared her the most, was that she liked how it felt to be temporarily numb. Numb meant peace, and unbeknownst to most people, she didn't experience much of that.

It was particularily late for a Friday night to most people, but as their team liked to say, they weren't most people. Olivia was just finishing up her work on a particularily tough case. It had drained her and the rest of the team emotionally and she was grateful to whatever higher power there was that they had caught the perp before the son of a bitch could come up with more sadistic plots and messed up tactics to rid the world of more innocent women. The things he had done were particularily gruesome and even though Olivia was fortunate not to have a weak stomach, this asshole had made her lose all faith in the good of humanity and caused her stomach to flip inside out and involuntarily spew its contents more than once. It had taken her hard-assed no nonsense attitude in the interrogation room for him to finally spill his guts and confess to the brutal rape and murder of four different women, the youngest only 15. Although it was difficult for her to hold herself together hearing the detailed confession, Olivia took pride in what she did and in her ability to eventually get these people who thought they were so cold, so hard, devoid of feeling and conscience, to finally crack. She had a good mixture of compassion and stamina and more than once people had said this was what made her one of the best.

As she finished up what she needed to, she was grateful for being able to leave what she considered early on a weekend. Usually, she rarely had time to be home for very long, if at all. Most of the team lived ate and breathed their work and the undying devotion they had to the cases they worked had them living at the precint.

"Capt, I'm gonna head out." she said this as a statement, not feeling the need to ask permission to leave as everyone else was getting ready to follow suit not long after.

"Okay Liv." He smiled warmly at her. He'd always thought of Olivia like a daughter, just like he thought of all the team as his own. "Thank you for all your hard work today. Go home, take a nice hot bath, relax, get some sleep. You deserve it."

She smiled a half smile as she looked at him. It was apparent that their captain busted his ass to make sure his team did a good job, and that he was there for them in any time of need. No matter how hard she tried to guard herself and the contents of her heart and soul to the rest of the world, she could hide nothing from Cragen. He could read her like the back of his hand, and while sometimes it was a good thing, most of the time she detested it.

"You're welcome. It's my job to work hard. As for relaxing and getting sleep, I'll try to remember what that is if my body will let me." Laughing lightly, she pushed herself away from the doorjamb of his office where she had been casually leaning during their brief interaction. Heading to grab her coat, she had every intention of leaving as quickly as possible, but collided with someone before she could. The voice she heard she knew best of anyone's, and didn't have to look up to know who it was.

"Woah, slow down there, Benson. Anxious are we?" She smiled slightly as she looked up.

"Sorry. I am in a bit of a hurry. Not usual that I get done this early on a weekend."

Smiling down at her he placed his hands on her shoulders. "Hey, it's no big deal. Don't worry. I was hoping to run into you before you left anyhow, although not quite so literally."

Now genuinely laughing, she playfully swatted at him. "Shut up, Stabler. And technically, I ran into you. What is it that you needed so urgently before I left?"

"Just wanted to know if I could come over later tonight, or sometime this weekend?"

Olivia groaned inwardly. As much as she respected, admired, and even loved her partner it was difficult now that he had become her partner in more ways than one. They had been dating for a while, and as far as he knew seemed to have a good thing going; He came over when he could, they'd had many long talks about everything and nothing at the same time, and sex. Lots, and lots of sex. During their intimate times, Olivia tended to shut herself off. It was like, when she drank. She became numb and devoid of real feeling. Sex with Elliot, for her was like an escape. Sometimes, she wondered if there was more feeling on his end than there seemed to be on hers, and she couldn't quite put a finger on why she wondered this or why she felt this way at all. But, she'd never tell him that. Everyone else at the 1-6 seemed to know, or think they knew about what the two partners had between them, but like so many other parts of herself and her life, she kept it all buried and hidden. If they only knew her real thoughts, feelings, and deepest, darkest secrets she felt they would be shocked, and have no trouble retreating from their positions as her best friends. She kept hidden for fear of scaring them off. No matter her inner turmoil, she felt like Elliot was the only one who couldn't be pushed away and shut out no matter how hard she tried; despite her insecurities and fucked up feelings, for now she tended to keep it that way.

"Hello? Earth to Detective Benson?" He said questioningly raising an eyebrow and waving a hand in front of her face to catch her attention.

"Hmmm?" his voice and the hand in front of her eyes had pulled her from her thoughts. Not many things could pull her from her thoughts and daydreams. Elliot was one of the few people who knew her well enough that he could.

"I said.. I wanted to ask you before you left if I could come over later tonight or sometime this weekend." He stated it this time, matter of factly, so as to make sure she was paying attention and understood his request. As she heard him repeat what he had previously asked, she remembered what had had them standing there so long and again groaned inwardly, as she felt her stomach growl on top of her increasing fatigue.

"Not tonight, El. I'm exhausted. For once, I'm done slightly early and I want to get home." Even though she would never admit it to his face, the last thing she wanted or needed was to be with Elliot tonight. She was moody, emotional, tired, and in one of her brooding, pensive moods. It wasn't the best for her to be around people when she got like this. Especially not people who knew her relatively well. She hated that they could read her.

Looking down at the floor, he tried to hide hurt and feign indifference. "Oh, yeah. I get it. It's fine. Maybe Saturday or Sunday then." Even though it wasn't a question, there was intonation at the end of his statement that indicated to Olivia that he was hopeful she would oblige his wishes and allow him to come over. She sighed deeply before making eye contact again.

"I'll give you a call, kay?" As much as she appreciated him she didn't think she would be calling him to come by that weekend, but she didn't want to hurt him either, so she half smiled.

He didn't have any words left to say, so he simply nodded as she walked out of the preccint.

Much to Olivia's chagrin, the weekend passed by rather uneventfully and quickly with her not being on call. She was far from the barhopping, partying, wild night type of girl, but when she was alone without work and nothing else to occupy her time, she had time to think; and when she thought, she usually had feelings come up she didn't like, leading her to justify the action of drinking too much with an ease that scared her. She had drunk that weekend, not as much as some nights, and not as little as others. She had stayed in bed, lounged, slept off the affects of alcohol and been uncharacteristically lazy. Although laziness may not be what people thought to be part of her personality or character, she wished she could stay in bed forever, and was perplexed and disappointed when Monday had come around so quickly.

The alarm sounded, the tone nauseating and painful to his ears at the ungodly hour of 4:30 on a Monday morning. In previous years, he would have angrily rolled over and forcefully slammed the "Snooze" button but now he knew better. His internal clock was too unaccustomed to normal hours for him to turn over and get any extra sleep even if he tried. Getting up out of bed, he was slowly awakened from the dense fog of slumber, and realizations begin to hit as the cool temperatures of the house that had been scarcely heated overnight began bombarding his body like a wall. The coolness of the wood floor on the soles of his feet sent an extra shiver up his spine as he tried to gather himself and his thoughts for the day ahead. His weekend had passed agonizingly slowly.

He had waited, his phone next to him, checking every ten minutes, for her to call, but it hadn't happened.

"Liv, it's me. I hope your okay. Just checking in. Would really like to see you, at least talk to you. Please call me, okay? Bye."

"Olivia, it's El.. again. It's Saturday night. What's going on? Please call back."

"Babe, it's me. Seriously what the hell is going on? You haven't answered all weekend. It's Sunday night. I'm starting to worry. I probably shouldn't, but whatever. If I don't hear from you, I'll see you at work tomorrow."

Maybe to some he had seemed overbearing and annoying leaving as many messages as he had, and maybe with anyone else he himself would have seen it that way but Liv was different. Ever since he had gotten a divorce from Kathy, he had been so messed up and Olivia had been the only one to bring him any kind of hope, relief, or pull him out of the misery. He was always worrying about her, watching out for her. They were partners, bonded in life by their jobs; in work and in personal matters he had her back and maybe sometimes he overstepped his boundaries but he didn't care. He knew her better than many people did or probably ever would. Frankly he worried about her now more than ever. Her behavior seemed different. She seemed distant, even during making love to her, he felt like something was off. Like she wasn't fully there and her mind was somewhere else. He had brought this up to her, but every time she had insisted she was fine and brushed it off like nothing.

Usually, he could read Liv like a book, but lately she was so cryptic and the pages of the book that was her soul were frayed and unreadable. He'd never admit it, but he was scared beyond description.

As she was sipping her coffee, she contemplated whether or not to go and wake her daughter up yet. Mulling this over in her head she chuckled to herself. Despite the fact that she was ADA Alexandra Cabot, everyone knew her name, status and wealth, despite the fact that the arguments she presented in court caused most to cringe, sweat and shift in their seats, she was still, and maybe always would be, unable to coax her teenage daughter out of bed for any reason. She took after Alex in the sense that she loved sleep and no matter how many hours she did or didn't get, she never felt refreshed and rested enough to face the world when the time came.

She drained as much as she could from what was left of her mug of coffee and poured the rest haphazardly down the drain in the sink, watching the brown liquid swirl downward in slow circles before running the water momentarily to remove any residue and setting her mug on the counter. Deciding to play the nice parent and give her daughter a few extra moments of her beloved sleep, she went up to get dressed for work before waking her. There was enough to hate about Mondays without her playing the bitch with Raye-Anne this morning. Hell, she had court today, and wasn't looking forward to it in the slightest. The fact that neither of them were morning people, and both of them were stubborn and hard headed as all hell also played heavily into her hesitancy in waking her daughter.

Piecing together and slipping on the last, and most essential part of her outfit, her trademark heels, she reluctantly trudged down the hall to her daughters room. She noticed with the crack of light peeping in that the door had been left slightly open, which she found odd since Raye-Anne hated any inkling of light at all when she slept. She moved closer, careful not to walk too forcefully on her heels for fear of them waking her before she had a chance to, and opened the door wider than it already was. Feeling rather than hearing the breath leave her lungs, she collapsed to the floor in what felt like slow motion but was probably mere seconds. Nothing could have prepared her for the vision of her daughter laying motionless, not from sleep, but from the affect of a bottle of pills that lay open across the floor. Alex knew with the way she was laying the bottle had undoubtedly fallen from her hand.

After what seemed like an eternity, and with more caution than she felt or thought she had within her at that moment she uncurled herself from her position on the floor, stood up and approached the bed, and the body of the girl she knew so well, but in this instant felt she didn't know at all.

"RAYE! RAYE-ANNE. WHAT THE FUCK?! WAKE UP! YOU NEED TO WAKE UP. BABY, PLEASE, PLEASE WAKE UP." her calmness had left her, and replaced itself with a hysteria beyond anything she knew or experienced. She was out of her own body. It was as if she was willing her screams to be so loud that they penetrate her daughters skin, pleading with them to penetrate her spirit and help her heart to beat again and help her lifeless body live.

She felt nothing as she reached over, checking for a pulse, and complete sorrow overtook her then. In the midst of her pain, her strength and spirit willed her into survival mode. Reaching into her pocket, she grabbed her phone, and dialed the one and only number she would never admit she knew by heart.

"I need your help!"

She was reluctant to get up and go to work. Nobody liked Mondays and she had felt like this one was going to be as mundane as her weekend had. Slowly but steadily, she had willed herself out of bed and into the shower. Letting the scorching hot water pelt her skin to the point of almost burning it, she felt as if the scars of her soul and the pain of her thoughts were being momentarily washed away, out of her life. As if maybe, for a few moments her body was detoxing itself. Allowing herself time to wash all she needed to, she rinsed and stayed under the hot water in one position for a good long time before feeling her body crumple to the floor as sobs escaped her. This was routine and nothing new, yet it amazed and surprised her how she could be so emotional and so numb at the same time. After every incident of shower relief, it was like she came to and was a different person. Like she purged herself of negativity but recollected nothing of the feelings that had gotten her to that dark pit that was probably equivalent to Hell. It left as fast as it had come every single time, and this was no exception.

Momentarily dazed, she stood up slowly, pulling back the shower door and allowing the flushed warm skin of her feet to connect with the cool tile of the bathroom floor. The rest of her body emerged slowly as her foot had, as if she was weighed down by something heavy. Grabbing a towel she had set out for herself she quickly wrapped her body within it and moved in the direction of her bedroom to get ready.

Taking her weapon and her handcuffs and doing a double check to make sure she was ready to lock up her apartment and leave, she felt as if she were missing something. As her eyes adjusted to the dark of her living room, she noticed the LED of her phone blinking, and realized she'd failed to check it all weekend as she'd lazily drifted in and out of alcohol induced slumber on the couch.

"Fuck!" She cursed herself for being so stupid as to neglect something as vital as her phone. To other people it may seem like no big deal, but in both her personal and professional life, it was something she rarely forgot to check or carry on her. Picking it up and flipping it open, she saw that she had several missed calls from Elliot, which made her sigh loudly. He was nothing if not persistent.

Deciding she'd deal with Elliot sooner rather than later since she worked with him, she continued down the list. Texts from Fin, Munch, Melinda; she smiled to herself as she read some of them and frowned as she skimmed over others.

The frown she had on her face while reading a message from Melinda stayed there and she stopped cold as she realized she had failed to see she had a voicemail from Alex Cabot. Her mind went a mile a minute as she went over and over possible scenarios in her head of what the ADA could possibly want, or need from her. Unable to come up with any that were plausable enough outside of her dreams, she put the phone to her ear and listened as a blood curdling scream came through the earpiece.

"I need your help!"

She stared at the phone momentarily before swiftly snapping it shut, grabbing her coat, and running out the door.

A/N: Duhn duhn duhn! CLIFFHANGER! Don't hate my guts, please! ;) I know I had Olivia and Alex slightly out of character here in some instances, but it's fanfiction so forgive me. Like I said, I'm moving in a few days so not sure when I can or will be able to update again but as soon as I'm reconnected to the internet if I get good feedback from this story I will be sure to continue. Don't be shy to hit me up with reviews, comments, feedback, ideas, anything! Thanks so much for reading! :)