This was co written by a great friend of mine, Ishtar-inanna, usually when we have had a few to drink, whoooo! Anyway, she wrote a section then I wrote the next and so on.

Disclaimer:

We don't own any of the characters in this chapter, not a single one! Damn the law system!

I warn any Kairi lovers that this fic may cause 'minor' offence…cough

This fic may also cause your brain to rupture with the effort to understand what the hell were going on about, but don't let that dissuade you :)

Any comments will be appreciated, including anyone who just wants to complain about how mean we are; we will consider your comments for the next chapters. Please read and hopefully enjoy our baileys induced randomness!

As a last note, lots of characters will be dragged into this fic so if you are curious to where they originate from then just ask. All seriousness aside…

Evil soup

Chapter one: evil soup and oranges

Sora's POV

"Trains, trains take me away, far away, la la la randomness"

Riku and Sora turned away in disgust from the vile fumes coming from the kitchen. They were really starting to regret letting Selphie cook for them.

She had been nagging Kairi for 4 hours straight to let her cook yet somehow Riku and Sora had been dragged into the roles of 'assistant' to make sure she didn't blow anything up…again.

"Train train take me away" etc

[God I hate this song, almost as much as I hate oranges. What the hell did she need oranges for anyway?

The answer to that question apparently seemed to be because Selphie said so, (or more accurately because some mad bald guy on TV. told her to. Seriously, the voices were bad enough, bad insane, orange obsessed bald men? That's going too far!)

"Uh…Selphie?" Sora asked with a fearful look in his eyes. "Aren't you making soup?"

"YEP!" she said, still humming that ridiculous train song.

"So. Why the oranges?"

"Sora. Don't be silly. Mr. Lock Said so in that cooking program, don't you remember?"

[WTF!

"Uh…Sure?"

Actually Sora and Riku had been playing Hungry, Hungry Hippos behind the table so she wouldn't notice, but hey. She wasn't to know that.

Luckily for Sora oranges were not the only ingredients in Selphie's "soup". She also added seaweed, pepper,

onions, jelly, stickie-back plastic, earmuffs, blue string, a live crab to mix it up and a small aubergine. Clearly, this would be a soup that the others would never forget which had been Selphie's intention. But it was also likely that this would be the last soup that they ever tasted, which may or may not have been Selphie's intention. We just don't know.

"Sora?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think that if we hit her with that bag of crabs we could escape quick enough to avoid the 'soup'?" Riku added finger quote marks on 'soup' for emphasis.

"…Meh, I'll try anything right now"

"OK I'm finished! Time for you to taste my lovely soup!" Selphie emerged from the kitchen wearing a frighteningly large smile, and carrying an even more frightening bowl full of gunk that could hardly be called edible let alone given the title of soup, not even if you squinted….in a dark alley, with absolutely no light and a really bad concussion.

"Now!" yelled Riku giving Sora the signal to throw a bag of angry looking crabs in her face. Nothing happened.

"Er…What happened to the angry looking crabs?"

Selphie rolled her eyes "didn't you notice there was a hole in the bag?"

Sora looked down and sure enough a line of crabs was making its way to the sea.

"Oh, Bye crabs!" Sora waved vacantly hoping that feigning stupidity would get him out of trying the meal. Luckily that theory did not have to be tested because at that moment Kairi walked in.

However, no one seemed to notice Riku's cries. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. TAKE ME WITH YOU, YOU EVIL CRABS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"So, I see my kitchen is still in one piece" Kairi stated as she looked around the room with a happy grin. That is, until her eyes fell upon the bubbling, blue and orange mess that she was praying wasn't the fantastic meal Selphie had promised.

"Kairi! Just in time! There's plenty of soup, I hope you're hungry!"

Selphie didn't seem to notice that Kairi was trying not to gag…either that or she did notice but chose to ignore it.

The cheerful young brunette was just about to serve up a big bowl full of her creation, when suddenly she stopped and looked at Kairi for what seemed like the first time.

"What are you looking at?" said Kairi, fearful that she should have to face worse atrocities then the terrible soup.

"I've just noticed… you have an absolutely enormous head!"

Whatever any one was expecting, it is clear that this was not it.

Sora and Riku both turned to Kairi and, sure enough, her head was huge.

[I swear her head was never that big before?!

A look of realization spread across Riku's face before he screamed. (Much like a little girl) "AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! BLOATY HEAD DISEASE!"

At this Sora too screamed "RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES"

The two friends ran screaming from the building (Sora falling as he went) with their hand's above their heads.

"Well, how rude! KAIRI! Now who's going to eat my soup?"

Kairi did not answer, but stared in the direction that her two friends had ran, and after a moment began to follow them, also waving her hands above her head for dramatic effect.

The three of them ran across the island until they were gasping for breath and needed to sit down and drink ice cool hot chocolate.

"Ok so ice cool hot chocolate makes things better, but it still does not change the fact that Kairi has a bloaty head." Riku pointed out.

Sora thought long and hard, you could tell that it hurt. "Well I think that we should go to Hollow Bastion and see if Leon knows the cure."

Every one groaned. (Yes they all heard Sora from around the island and knew from past experience that they would also be dragged along for the ride)

"Why do we want' to cure Kairi? She frightens me…a lot."

"Riku! It's the perfect story! We tell Selphie we can't eat her soup because we are going to help Kairi, then we make a run for it!"

"Hey! Great way to get out of eating Selphie's soup you two, it worked so well!"

Kairi had caught up with them and was now sitting herself down, completely oblivious to the fearful looks she was getting.

[Look at her! She is so eyeing up my ice cool hot chocolate! How dare she!

"Um, yeah if you say so." Sora rolled his eyes.

"Look. We meant it Kairi. You have bloaty head disease!" Riku blurted out.

"Oh there's no such thing" said Kairi secretly hoping she could steal some of Sora's ice cool hot chocolate without him realizing it. "So are we going now?" She added once it became clear that this would be impossible as Sora had quickly snatched his cup away from her and continued to watch her suspiciously.

Riku looked taken aback for just a second before a smug look crossed his face. "Go where Kairi? To cure the 'bloaty head' disease that you don't have because it doesn't exist?

"Uh…I think I hear Selphie coming, we better get going!" She said in an attempt to change the subject

Everyone agreed that this was a good idea.

Wait a minute; you're not coming with us! The rafts not big enough for the entire population of this island."

Every one grumbled as they had secretly been hoping to come along too, despite their earlier complaints. Soon these groans would turn to screams and attempted suicides as Selphie began trying to force feed people soup. In all the confusion Riku 'accidentally' pushed Kairi off the small island and miraculously, she floated! Riku and Sora ran to the raft before the other islanders could use it in their own escape and, pushing off from the shore, waved good bye to Selphie.

"Phew, that was too close."

"Hey Riku?"

"Yeah?"

"What's that stuck to the raft?"

What was stuck to the raft? Is there a cure to bloaty head disease? What happens to Sora and Riku? How many times did we actually say soup in this chapter? Find out in the next chapter of evil soup!!!!!

And seriously, review or we will force feed you the orange soup!!!!!!

Hope you enjoyed!

XxSxX