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Ch 1 A secret. My secret.

Words: 992

You know when you've had a secret for so long that you sometimes forget about it? Well, it's not that I've forgotten about it; it's just that I've grown accustomed to always having it and not ever sharing it. It's just a constant weight on my shoulders.

The obvious secret people think I have is that I am in love with my best friend, who happens to be a woman. But in all honesty the entire world can see my love for her; therefore, it is not that much of a secret. And I know that she has feelings for me too.

My problem… well not so much for me, I've learned to accept it just fine, is that I have another secret. A deeper secret. I feel all female, but I am not, at least not in the area below the waist. Within myself, I feel comfortable with it. But even though I feel comfortable with it personally, I have never told anyone about it. Well my family knows about it because they've known me my whole life.

I have learned that I am more than just what is or isn't between my legs and to be honest, I do not want to change my body more than what I have changed it already. With the help of my doctors, I have a great balance with what I have, how it functions, and how I look.

Over the years, with the help of therapy, I've learned a couple of things. One, therapy is not bad once you trust your therapist. Two, it's ok for me to be female to the world and be comfortable with my body without having to have certain things removed. I have never had much dysphoria about the extras I have below the waist; to be honest I have always enjoyed the extras. The fact that I enjoy them just added to the confusion I had. I felt like I should not want them at all.

A lot of people believe that people like me can only be happy if they have all of the things from one gender altered to fit their true gender.

It took some time for me to understand that I do not have to do that. That just like anything else, there is a spectrum and I fall somewhere in the middle. That I can stop once I reach a place where I am happy with my body.

I have reached that point and I am happy with my body. And now that I am happy with myself, I feel I'm ready to try and be in a relationship. I am not going into this thinking that I will be confident with my body in front of someone else right away. In all honesty, I think I'm going to be a bit or maybe very awkward at the start. But that's where I'm at. I'm ready to give being in a relationship a shot.

I have never had someone in my life that I felt I needed or wanted to share this with, but that was until now. I know that in order to have a relationship with her, I need to tell her about my physical self and this feels like a possibility because of my growing acceptance with myself.

I don't know if my best friend Maura, the one I'm in love with, knows of my secret. I think; I have done a fairly good job of hiding it over the years. I've learned how to rein in my body's reaction to her.

At the beginning it was hard to control my physical reaction. I would get aroused by the sight of her walking in the room. Or her scent. Or just even the idea of her.

Over the years, I have learned to position my anatomy in ways that no one else knows about them. I tuck, nothing too extravagant, but enough so that the outside world doesn't know. Even with the strategic placement of my anatomy, my reaction to her can sometimes become too much, therefore becoming obvious.

I usually would cover my noticeable reaction with a case file, or stay seated at my desk, but when I didn't have that option I would make an excuse to walk out of the room before it became too evident. Many times my reaction would be followed by a trip to the bathroom to readjust.

But now I can hug her or we can sit close to one another on the couch and I have control. Well… about ninety percent of the time. She is still too much for me sometimes.

When I'm alone, I can get myself to react in a second by thinking of her. And my reaction for her is strong. Sometimes I like to drag it out for as long as possible. Other times, I make myself come multiple times until I feel weak and satiated. But thinking of her while I do it always feels amazing. Just not as amazing as if she was the one I was really with.

I daydream on a regular basis of telling her my secret and of how she would react. Sometimes I imagine her accepting it in a heartbeat. Other times, she is slow to accept it. And, yet, other times she is sickened by it, although this reaction is highly improbable.

In my heart of hearts, I know she will accept it. Maura is so very open minded, sweet, caring and non-judgemental. She is what many people strive and work to be. She is everything good.

Maybe the reason I have not told her is because she likes me how she perceives me, as physically all female. If I tell her this secret maybe it will be too much for her. Maybe she will not like me as anything more than just a friend.

So for now my biggest struggle is- Should I tell her my secret?

Leave a review or send me a pm. Let me know what you think. I am trying to figure out if I will continue this story. This story has been on my computer for a while, along with a few other chapters for it. Let me know if you are interested in it. If I do continue it, it will definitely be M rated.

I still have not forgotten about "Another Night at Maura's". I'm still working on it.

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Spruced up with the help of jacs318 :)