DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter

Dammit! Why isn't this working?

Ernie MacMillan scowled at his wand. He'd been at it for a good twenty minutes. But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't conjure a corporeal Patronus. He summoned every happy memory he could think of. The day he got his Hogwarts letter, the day his older brother moved out and he finally got his own room, the day he got his prefect's badge.

None of it worked.

Anger lines dug into his smooth features as he gazed around the Room of Requirement. Hermione had already conjured a Patronus in the form of an otter. An ethereal swan hovered in front of Cho Chang. Even that nutter Luna Lovegood managed to produce a hare.

All he had were wisps of ghost-like tendrils coming from his wand.

Ernie grunted. Come on. Think of something happy.

He thought about the rather difficult Potions test he passed last week.

"Expecto Patronum!"

Thin strands of white fluttered from Ernie's wand.

"Dammit," he hissed.

"Getting mad won't help, Ernie."

He turned to see Harry Potter walk by.

"Just calm down and think of your happiest memory. It'll work."

Ernie nodded silently. Easy for you to say. This was the kid who drove off about a hundred Dementors with a stag Patronus.

He looked away from Harry and exhaled loudly. You can do it. You can do it.

Ernie closed his eyes. What made him happiest?

A face formed in his mind. A pretty, tanned face framed by shoulder-length dark hair.

Miranda.

Thoughts of the young Spanish witch flooded his mind. He found himself transported back to last summer, when the Ibarras, long-time friends of his parents, visited them . . . with their beautiful daughter. He'd fallen for her in an instant. They'd been inseparable during her two weeks in the U.K. For the first time in his life, Ernie knew what it truly meant to be in love.

"Expecto Patronum!"

A solid beam of white light sprang from his wand. Ernie's eyes widened as it took form. He noticed a round body, stubby feet and . . . and a rather strange head.

Wait a tic.

The ethereal animal hovered over the Room of Requirement. Ernie ran his eyes along its squat body. The right side of his face twitched when he took in the webbed feet, the flat tail, and its most prominent feature, the duckbill.

No. This can't be.

Ernie MacMillan's Patronus was a platypus.

Mouth agape, his wand hand fell to his side. The ghostly platypus vanished.

"You have got to be joking."

"Oi! I can see the Dementors running away from that, Ernie."

He turned to find Fred Weasley laughing hysterically, along with this twin brother George.

Likewise, Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil made no attempt to hide their laughter. Justin Finch-Fletchley looked like he was about to explode, trying to contain his laughter. Hannah Abbott, at least, gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Don't worry, Ernie," a smiling George Weasley said. "You could have conjured a much worse Patronus than a platypus. Like . . . well . . . no, I take that back. That's as bad as it gets."

The laughter in the Room of Requirement grew louder, until Harry urged everyone to get back to practicing.

"I have to go to the loo."

Face tight with anger, Ernie stomped out of the room. He did not return.

XXXXX

Ernie tried to convince himself it could be worse. Only the two dozen members of the D.A. knew about his ridiculous Patronus, not the whole school, thank Merlin. And given the secret nature of the group, it wasn't like they could spread it around.

He put on his usual mask of confidence as he strode into the Great Hall for breakfast.

"Morning Padma. Morning Terry." Ernie nodded to the pair as he passed the Ravenclaw table.

Both Padma Patil and Terry Boot looked up at him. Terry placed a hand over his mouth and snickered. Padma buried her face in her hands and laughed.

Ernie glared at them and continued on.

"Quack, quack."

Head trembling in anger, Ernie glared at the Gryffindor table. Dean Thomas smiled and waved, while Katie Bell turned away to chuckle.

Now fuming, Ernie marched over to the Hufflepuff table and plopped down next to Hannah Abbott.

"Everything okay, Ernie?"
"Yeah, sure. Everything's effing fine."

Hannah drew back. "Sorry I asked, then."

No one talked to Ernie all through breakfast. For that he was glad.

XXXXX

Ernie sat on the steps leading to the castle, rolling his wand in his hands. A chilly wind ruffled his robes and sent goose pimples up and down his arms. He didn't care. His mind was focused on one thing.

How to change his Patronus.

From everything he'd heard, it was not an easy thing to do. The corporeal Patronus based its animal form on the very essence of the person casting the charm.

What the hell do I have in common with a bloody platypus?

His father had told him once only the most intense feelings could change the form of a Patronus. Positive feelings at that. So trying to change it simply because he didn't like it wouldn't work.

Ernie pressed his fists against the sides of his head. Would falling in love do it?

Yeah. Like I can snap my fingers and make it happen.

Maybe if he heard from Miranda again. Or better yet, saw her.

But my memories of her are what triggered my corporeal Patronus.

Ernie sighed. Was he going to be stuck with a stupid-looking Patronus for the rest of his life? In his mind he imagined Death Eaters swarming the grounds of Hogwarts. There he stood, on these very steps, wand raised, shouting, "Expecto Patronum!"

Out came his platypus. The Death Eaters turned to one another and laughed their arses off.

"Excuse me, Ernie? Have you by any chance seen my shoes?"

Ernie's eyes widened in response to the dreamy voice. His neck muscles tightening, he turned around.

A barefoot Luna Lovegood smiled down at him.

He slapped his forehead and groaned. "Can my day get any worse?"

"You seem depressed. Is it Mundalums? They bring to the surface all negative feelings a person has, you know."

Ernie rolled his eyes and angled his body away from Luna. Maybe if he ignored her, she'd get the hint and leave.

Luna didn't speak for a good minute. But she did hum. It sounded like a combination of two different Weird Sisters songs.

Please leave me alone. Please skip off somewhere and chase Nargles or whatever else you dream up.

"I wanted to tell you," Luna finally spoke. "I did like your Patronus."

Ernie clenched his wand . . . and his teeth. Why couldn't she just go away?

"It is rather unique," she continued.

"No it's not. It's the stupidest thing in the world."

"It most certainly is not." Luna's voice sounded firmer. "The corporeal Patronus is the reflection of a person's true self."

"So what then?" Ernie whipped around to face Luna. "I'm some bloody freak of nature?"

Luna just smiled dreamily at him. "No. It's just, like the Platypus, you're complicated."

A quizzical look fell over Ernie's face. "What the bloody hell are you talking about?"

"Well, think about it. The platypus is a mammal and shouldn't lay eggs, yet for some reason it does. It also shouldn't have a bill like a duck, yet it does. That makes it complicated, and unique. Just like you."

Part of Ernie just wanted to call her bonkers and leave. Another part, fueled by curiosity, kept him rooted to the spot. He couldn't wait to hear Loony Lovegood's explanation on what he and a stupid platypus had in common.

"You see," she blathered on. "To most people at Hogwarts, you come off as rather pompous."

"I'm not pompous," he snapped. I'm just very confident. Not my fault people take that as being pompous.

"Well, you do act that way. So people would think you only care about yourself, and would do nothing to jeopardize your future. But that's not true. You proved that by joining the D.A. At the risk of being expelled, you chose to join us because you don't agree with Professor Umbridge's methods and you want to learn how to protect yourself and others from You-Know-Who and his followers."

Ernie worked his jaw back and forth.

Luna continued. "And you're unique. You're not afraid to stand out among the crowd. You showed that when you publicly proclaimed that you believed Harry Potter's story about You-Know-Who's return, even when most everyone else didn't."

Ernie opened his mouth . . . and it hung open silently. He wanted to protest, to tell Loony Lovegood she was wrong.

But actually, she was right.

He thought back to that day he slapped Harry on the shoulder and said he believed him about You-Know-Who's return. He knew he risked becoming an outcast at Hogwarts. For a time, that's exactly what happened. So many of his friends ridiculed or flat out ignored him. His face tightened from the anger of those memories. Boys and girls he'd known for five years glaring at him, hurling insults at him, telling him to take back what he said, "if you know what's good for you."

But he never wavered in his support for Harry, even when it seemed all of Hogwarts turned against him. So maybe that did make him unique around here.

Unique like a platypus.

Ernie laughed and shook his head. Never in a million years would he ever believe someone like Loony Lovegood could give him good advice.

He turned around, trying to force the words, "thank you," out of his mouth. But Luna already started back toward the castle.

Suddenly she stopped and whirled around. "Oh, and if anyone does criticize you for your Patronus again . . . well, you can always show them exactly what a Patronus can do."

XXXXX

"Expecto Patronum!"

The ghostly image of a platypus emerged from Ernie's wand. He scanned the Room of Requirement. Sure enough, people like Parvati Patil, Lavender Brown, Marietta Edgecombe and the Weasley twins stared and chuckled.

Ernie bit his lower lip, remembering Loony Lovegood's words from the other week.

Don't be embarrassed. This is who you are.

He caught Lee Jordan whispering to Angelina Johnson and nodding to the platypus. Both wore humorous smiles.

Ernie's neck muscles tightened. He tried to fight down his mounting embarrassment.

Remember what Luna said.

Yeah, easy for her to say it when she's not the one with the stupid platypus.

"Hey, MacMillan."

Ernie looked to his right. A grinning Zacharias Smith leaned against a gargoyle statue, looking smugly at the hovering platypus.

"Too bad you couldn't come up with a tougher looking Patronus, like, say, a jellyfish or something."

Smith cackled at his own joke. A few other D.A. members laughed along with him.

Heat rose in Ernie's cheeks. He fixed a glare on Smith, who fell against the statue in hysterics.

Ernie sensed movement nearby. He turned to find Loony Lovegood strolling up to him. With a lopsided smile she looked at Smith, then to him, and flicked her eyes back at Smith.

A wry grin crossed Ernie's lips. He turned back to that stupid wart, who was still laughing. With great flourish Ernie waved his wand and stabbed it in Smith's direction.

The platypus charged across the air. It crashed into the gargoyle statue. A cloud of dust and stone exploded above Smith. He doubled over and threw his arms over his head. Seconds later he straightened up, his robes covered in dust. His jaw hung open in surprise. Smith slowly rotated his head to what remained of the statue, swallowed, and turned back to Ernie.

"So . . ." Ernie scanned the Room of Requirement. "Anyone else here who doesn't think my Patronus is tough enough?"

Several students shook their heads.

"Uh, very cool Patronus, mate," said Anthony Goldstein.

"Yeah." Dean Thomas nodded. "That's one tough platypus."

"Of course it is." Ernie noticed Luna grinning at him. Ernie grinned back before looking at the other D.A. members. "After all, a corporeal Patronus is a reflection of one's true self."

- THE END -

AUTHOR'S NOTE: In canon, Ernie's Patronus is actually a boar. But I couldn't see this type of story being as effective with any other D.A. member except Ernie. Well, maybe Zacharias Smith. But he is written as such a jagoff no one would have an ounce of sympathy for his plight . . . including yours truly.