FINAL FANTASY VII
Twenty Leagues Under the Sea
(Open to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud is sitting on the couch, looking sad. Barrett walks in.)
Barrett: Geez! You look seriously bummed, man! What's happened?
Cloud: I just got off the phone to Jenova. She says she doesn't wanna see me again.
Barrett: But I thought you two really hit it off last night.
Cloud: So did I. That's what makes the whole thing so hard to understand. I really thought she and I could have had something special together. (sighs)
Barrett: (puts his hand on Cloud's shoulder) That's real tough, man. By the way, you're fired.
Cloud: What?! Fired?! Why?!
Barrett: I'm sorry, Cloud, but there's jus' not enough work goin' to keep you on anymore. Believe me, if there was, I wouldn't be doin' this.
Cloud: What a day. First I'm dumped, then I'm fired.
Barrett: ...
(Cut to the bar. Barrett is sitting at the bar, talking to Tifa.)
Barrett: Yeah, I feel terrible 'bout givin' Cloud the boot, but I didn't have any other choice. No missions, no work. And no work, no point in hirin' employees.
Tifa: Don't feel bad, Barrett. No one's blaming you here. Besides, Cloud's a competent young man. I'm sure he'd be able to find work somewhere else.
(Cut to Lindblum, Tantalus' hideout. Baku is talking to Cloud.)
Baku: You wanna work for me?
Cloud: Yes, sir. More than anything.
Baku: Awright. You're hired.
Cloud: Woo hoo!
Baku: So, this is the plan, skip. You'll be expected to fly over to Alexandria with the rest of my boys, infiltrate the castle, and kidnap the heir to the throne, Princess Garnet Til Alexandros 17th.
Cloud: Garnet Til Alexandros 17th?
Baku: The Princess of Alexandria. Here's a photo from the recent Alexandria Summer Pool Party. (shows Cloud a picture of Dagger in a bikini)
Cloud: Mmm...
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud is laying on the couch, under a blanket. Tifa walks in with a tray of food.)
Tifa: How're you feeling, Cloud?
Cloud: Ugh...
Tifa: How on earth does someone strain their penis?
Cloud: Tifa, please, I thought we agreed we were going to drop this whole trying to find an explanation for what's happened to me thing.
Tifa: Fine, fine. I brought you some food and a glass of water.
Cloud: Thanks. Just set it down on my stomach. (Tifa puts the tray down on top of him and he screams in pain) I said MY STOMACH! MY STOMACH!!
Tifa: So did that Baku guy say you could come back to work once you're fully recovered?
Cloud: No. Since the position was urgent, he couldn't really keep it left open for me, so he found someone else for the job. Some hippie named Zidane apparently.
(Cut to the bar. Barrett is sitting at the bar. Tifa walks in.)
Barrett: So?? Has he still got the job??
Tifa: No.
Barrett: Dammit! Ah, this is all my fault!
Tifa: It's not your fault, Barrett. Stop beating yourself up over this.
Barrett: Can't help it, man. If I didn't have to let him go, then he wouldn't need to be lookin' for other jobs, and sufferin' these weird injuries.
Tifa: Well there's nothing you can do about it, Barrett. It's up to Cloud to find a new job, no one else.
Barrett: (gets up) Ah ha! I've got it!
Tifa: Huh?
Barrett: I'll get Cloud a job at the Junon Naval Reserve!
Tifa: You could do that?
Barrett: Sure. The Captain down there's owed me big time ever since I pulled him out of that burnin' submarine.
(Cut to the basement. Cloud is laying on the couch, moaning. Barrett walks in.)
Barrett: Getcha ass offa that couch, Cloud! You've places to be, people to see!
Cloud: What the hell are you talking about?
(Cut to Junon, the Junon Naval Reserve, the Captain's office. Barrett is sitting at the Captain's desk, talking to the Captain of the Naval Reserve.)
Captain: I know you saved my life once, but that still doesn't mean I can just let someone join the Navy just like that!
Barrett: But he's a real strong guy! I mean, he was in SOLDIER one time, for God's sake!
Captain: I don't care how strong he is. The fact is, I can't just bend the rules just because you feel bad about something.
Barrett: ...I shoulda left you in that burnin' sub!
Captain: Tell ya what, get him to fill out a recruitment form, and take the basic training, and if he's as good as you say he is, then he can join.
(Cut to the Recruitment Office. Cloud is talking to the recruiter.)
Recruiter: Okay, sir, all you have to do is fill out this simple form and you're on your way.
Cloud: Right oh. (reads the form briefly) What's this? "Are you homosexual?"
Recruiter: Uh, that's a typo, sir. It's meant to say "Are you susceptible?"
Cloud: Well, I have been known to let my emotions get the better of me once in a while...
Recruiter: Well, as long as your emotions have no objection to anal sex with men you hardly know, you'll be fine.
Cloud: Wha...?
(Cut to the Junon Naval Reserve, a bus stop. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are waiting there. Other new recruits are also there.)
Cloud: Well, everyone, I'm off on my training!
Tifa: We know, Cloud. That's why we're here: to see you off.
Barrett: Yeah, but you just remember to b'have yo'self, man. This ain't summer camp.
Cloud: Oh, Barrett, I've been through this exact same kind of thing before with SOLDIER. I think I know how to handle myself.
Barrett: Yeah, well just in case, don't #@$% things up.
(Cut to the Training Camp. Cloud and the new recruits are lining up for inspection. The Drill Sergeant is giving his introduction.)
Drill Sergeant: All right, you pansy bastards, this is basic training! It is here you will be assessed to determine whether or not you're suited for a place in the Navy! (Cloud puts his hand up) Yes, recruit?
Cloud: Yeah, d'you have any spare batteries? (pulls out a walkman) These ones just ran out. (the Drill Sergeant frowns and grits his teeth)
(Cut to the Recruits' Private Quarters. Cloud puts up a picture of Tifa on the wall by his bunk.)
????: Cloud? Cloud Strife?
Cloud: Huh? (looks across) Mukki??
Mukki: Cloud Strife! Boy, I thought it was you out there that caught my little eye amongst the recruits! How's it going, buddy?
Cloud: What are you doing here?
Mukki: What the heck does it look like, silly? I'm training to be in the Navy! It's always been my life long dream to join!
Cloud: That... doesn't exactly surprise me.
Mukki: Well it certainly is lovely to see a familiar face. There's so many people here I don't know.
Cloud: Ah, don't worry, Mukki. I'm sure you'll make friends soon enough. After all, these people seem like... your kind of people.
Mukki: My kind of people? Whaddya mean by that, honey?
Cloud: Nothing. Never mind.
(Cut to the Training Camp. The Drill Sergeant is inspecting the recruits' appearance.)
Drill Sergeant: Look at you bunch of--how in the hell are you supposed to be able to fight for your country, when you can't even dress yourselves properly!
Recruit #1: My mommy's always tied my shoe laces for me...
Recruit #2: (with his pants on over his top) Yeah, and I've never been too good at putting on pants...
Drill Sergeant: Ugh... (walks up to Cloud, whose spikey hair is poking out through the top of his hat) Oh my God! What the hell've you done to your hat?!
(Cut to the harbour. Cloud is tying the end of a ship's rope to something.)
Cloud: There! An almost perfect attempt!
Drill Sergeant: (standing beside Cloud, with the end of the rope tied around his leg) You wanna try that again, Strife?
Cloud: Whoops!
(Cut to the Training Camp, the end of the week. It is graduation day.)
Drill Sergeant: Congratulations, sailors! You're all in the Naval Reserve! (the sailors throw their hats into the air)
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the front gates. A crowd of newly appointed SeeDs are standing there. It is graduation day.)
Garden Faculty Member: Congratulations, students! You're all SeeDs! (the SeeDs throw their hats into the air)
(Cut to Alexandria, Alexandria Castle, the courtyard. A crowd of knights are standing there. It is graduation day.)
Steiner: Congratulations, knights! You are all certified knights! (the knights throw their helmets into the air, which all drop back down towards them)
(Cut to the Junon Naval Reserve, a bunker. The Navy are being briefed on a mission.)
Officer: Sailors, it is my unfortunate duty to inform you that we have been called in to war.
Cloud: What?!
Mukki: War?!
Cloud: We can't be called in to war! We've only just joined the Navy! We're not ready for war games yet!
Officer: Tell that to the enemy, Strife. Now, we'll be going off in to battle tomorrow, 15:00hrs. Until then, be on your guard. (the sailors stare at him) Or head on over to the bar, whatever suits you best.
(Cut to the Underwater Reactor, the submarine bay, the following day. Cloud, Barrett and Tifa are standing there. A submarine is docked in at the bay. Other sailors are getting on board.)
Tifa: So, I guess this is it. You're off to war.
Cloud: Yep. And I'm hoping to kick some major ass.
Tifa: You do that. (hugs him) Good luck, Cloud. Be safe and prosperous.
Barrett: Yeah, good luck, man. We're all routin' for ya.
Cloud: Thanks, you guys. Your support really means a lot to me. And I promise I'll do my best to do my best.
Captain: (on board the sub) Hey! Strife! Quit gawking with the sexy lady and the guy who saved my life once and get your ass on board!
Cloud: Yes, Slavedriver.
Captain: That's Captain Slavedriver to you! (Cloud gets on the sub)
Tifa: (waving) Goodbye, Cloud! We'll see you when you get back!
Barrett: (waving) Make us proud, Cloud! Make us proud!
Tifa: (teary eyed) Oh, Barrett... Our little man's all grown up. (Barrett hugs her as the sub dives into the depths)
(Cut to the ocean. The sub leaves the Underwater Reactor.)
(Cut to the sub. Cloud is talking to Mukki. Mukki is piloting the sub.)
Mukki: Oh, isn't this sooo exciting? There's nothing more thrilling than defending your country!
Cloud: I could think of a million and one better things than war... By the way, who are we fighting anyway?
Mukki: Uh... I'm not quite sure, Cloudy-poos.
Cloud: (turns to the Captain) Excuse me, Captain?
Captain: Yeah?
Cloud: Who's the unlucky nation whose butt we're going to whip? Is it Wutai?
Captain: What makes you say Wutai?
Cloud: I dunno. It's just whenever there's a war going on on this Planet, it's usually those damned Wutainese who started it.
Captain: Well it isn't the Wutainese this time. We're at war with terrorism.
Cloud: Terrorism? Terrorism on whom?
Captain: Us, of course. Where the hell were you during the briefing, Strife?!
Cloud: (ashamed) I was on the can.
Captain: The enemy has been attacking the Underwater Rector for months now. Finally the Navy's decided to take action. We're going to infiltrate the enemies' base and open up a whole can of whoop ass on 'em.
Cloud: ...and the enemy is...?
Captain: I was just getting to the freakin' emeny!
Cloud: Enemy.
Captain: That's what I said!
Cloud: No. You said "emeny".
Captain: D'ya wanna know who we're at war with or not?!
Cloud: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
Captain: ...the Poodler.
Cloud: We're fighting a bunch of crustaceans??
Captain: They're not just a bunch of crustaceans, boy. Them shell-backed bastards are capable of mass destruction. You should see the damage they did to our sub.
Cloud: What sub was that?
Captain: This one.
Mukki: Captain! We've been hit!
Cloud: The Poodler?
Captain: All right, sailors! It's time to hit 'em where it hurts - right between the tentacles!
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the basement. Tifa and Barrett are sitting on the couch.)
Tifa: (sighs) With Aeris out on her spiritual journey, and Cloud at war with the Navy, things have been really quiet around here recently.
Barrett: Yeah. (pause) You wanna do it?
Tifa: That's... That's not what I was suggesting...
Barrett: You weren't?
Tifa: No.
Barrett: Oh...
(Cut to the ocean. The sub is firing torpedoes at the Poodler. The last of them is hit and the ocean is clear.)
(Cut to the sub.)
Captain: Good work, sailors! We got 'em!
Cloud: Great. So we can go home now, right?
Captain: Home?! What are you, simple?! That was just the beginning, Strife. We've a long way to go before we've completely kicked terrorism into touch.
Cloud: (disappointed) Oh...
Captain: Onward to the Poodlers' liar!
Mukki: Aye-aye, Captain! (giggles) I've always wanted to say that!
Captain: (to Mukki) Shut up!
(Cut to the ocean. The sub descends further into the dark depths of the ocean.)
(Cut to the sub.)
Captain: Make a left down that tunnel.
(Cut to the ocean, a cave. The sub turns left into a dark tunnel leading into an even darker cave.)
(Cut to the sub.)
Captain: Our sensors indicate the enemies' lair is close at hand. Everyone, look lively. And expect the unexpected. (punches Cloud in the face)
Cloud: Owww! What the hell was that for?!
Captain: I told you, Strife. Expect the unexpected.
Cloud: But I find it hard to expect things that aren't expected to happen.
Captain: Well start learnin'. (punches Cloud again)
Cloud: Owww!
Mukki: Ooh! Rough play! Can I join in?
Cloud: Mukki? Aren't you supposed to be piloting the sub?
Mukki: Uh... oh, yeah. Silly me.
Captain: My God! We're gonna crash... probably! (he and the crew scream)
(Cut to the ocean, a dark cave. The sub crashes into the side of a rocky wall and begins to sink.)
(Cut to the sub. Water is beginning to seep in through the walls.)
Cloud: Oh my God! We're filling up!
Mukki: ...oh. You meant with water.
Cloud: Captain? What should we do?!
Captain: There's only one thing we can do, Strife. And that's the most honorable thing one can do in this situation. Die with dignity.
Cloud: I'm not too comfortable with dying. Isn't there anything we can do?
Captain: Nope. We're all goners. There's no way out. Unless of course, you wanna try and make for the surface.
Cloud: (takes off his top) Then that's what I'm gonna do!
Captain: Are you crazy? There's enough pressure down here to kill you!
Cloud: Anything's better than staying here, waiting to die. I'd rather die trying to escape than accept defeat.
Captain: Spoken like a true man of the Navy. You know, Strife, you're one of the best recruits this Navy's ever seen.
Cloud: Thanks, Captain. (pause) Are you sure you don't wanna change your mind and come with?
Captain: Nope. I'm the here Captain of this ship, and it's a Captain's duty to go down with it. No, forget about me, Strife. You just get out while you still can. (looks around and sees that Cloud and the rest of the crew have disappeared) What the?! (the sub is quickly filling up with water) Oh, sh- (drowns)
(Cut to Junon, the Junon Naval Reserve, a courthouse. Cloud is facing up to his actions.)
Admiral: Seaman Strife, due to your cowardly actions, the Navy has lost one of its finest Captains ever, Captain Slavedriver. I therefore discharge you from the Navy as of now. (Cloud stares at him, clutching his chest) Go home, Strife.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud is laying on the couch, under a blanket. Tifa walks in with a tray of food.)
Tifa: How's the burst lung, Cloud?
Cloud: Healing... slowly. And painfully too, I guess. Ow! Man, it sure does hurt to breathe. (pause) Tifa, I'm sorry about... you know, getting kicked out of the Navy. I know how much my being there meant to you.
Tifa: Oh, Cloud, it doesn't matter that you were discharged. All that matters is that you're safe and well. Besides, it was way too quiet here without you anyway. To be honest, I'm happy you're back.
Cloud: Aw, thanks, Tifa...
Barrett: (walks in) Yo, Cloud! Getcha ass offa that couch!
Cloud: (moans) What is it now?
Barrett: We've got work to do!
Cloud: Huh? You mean...?
Barrett: Yep. You're re-hired. AVALANCHE is back in business. It turns out Professor Hojo's gone nutty and threatening to flood the city with Mako. It's our job to go kick that little Pointdexter into touch, c'mon. (runs off)
Cloud: I'm right behind ya! (gets up and runs off, groaning "Ow!" with every step he takes because of his burst lung)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END__________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twenty Leagues Under the Sea
(Open to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud is sitting on the couch, looking sad. Barrett walks in.)
Barrett: Geez! You look seriously bummed, man! What's happened?
Cloud: I just got off the phone to Jenova. She says she doesn't wanna see me again.
Barrett: But I thought you two really hit it off last night.
Cloud: So did I. That's what makes the whole thing so hard to understand. I really thought she and I could have had something special together. (sighs)
Barrett: (puts his hand on Cloud's shoulder) That's real tough, man. By the way, you're fired.
Cloud: What?! Fired?! Why?!
Barrett: I'm sorry, Cloud, but there's jus' not enough work goin' to keep you on anymore. Believe me, if there was, I wouldn't be doin' this.
Cloud: What a day. First I'm dumped, then I'm fired.
Barrett: ...
(Cut to the bar. Barrett is sitting at the bar, talking to Tifa.)
Barrett: Yeah, I feel terrible 'bout givin' Cloud the boot, but I didn't have any other choice. No missions, no work. And no work, no point in hirin' employees.
Tifa: Don't feel bad, Barrett. No one's blaming you here. Besides, Cloud's a competent young man. I'm sure he'd be able to find work somewhere else.
(Cut to Lindblum, Tantalus' hideout. Baku is talking to Cloud.)
Baku: You wanna work for me?
Cloud: Yes, sir. More than anything.
Baku: Awright. You're hired.
Cloud: Woo hoo!
Baku: So, this is the plan, skip. You'll be expected to fly over to Alexandria with the rest of my boys, infiltrate the castle, and kidnap the heir to the throne, Princess Garnet Til Alexandros 17th.
Cloud: Garnet Til Alexandros 17th?
Baku: The Princess of Alexandria. Here's a photo from the recent Alexandria Summer Pool Party. (shows Cloud a picture of Dagger in a bikini)
Cloud: Mmm...
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud is laying on the couch, under a blanket. Tifa walks in with a tray of food.)
Tifa: How're you feeling, Cloud?
Cloud: Ugh...
Tifa: How on earth does someone strain their penis?
Cloud: Tifa, please, I thought we agreed we were going to drop this whole trying to find an explanation for what's happened to me thing.
Tifa: Fine, fine. I brought you some food and a glass of water.
Cloud: Thanks. Just set it down on my stomach. (Tifa puts the tray down on top of him and he screams in pain) I said MY STOMACH! MY STOMACH!!
Tifa: So did that Baku guy say you could come back to work once you're fully recovered?
Cloud: No. Since the position was urgent, he couldn't really keep it left open for me, so he found someone else for the job. Some hippie named Zidane apparently.
(Cut to the bar. Barrett is sitting at the bar. Tifa walks in.)
Barrett: So?? Has he still got the job??
Tifa: No.
Barrett: Dammit! Ah, this is all my fault!
Tifa: It's not your fault, Barrett. Stop beating yourself up over this.
Barrett: Can't help it, man. If I didn't have to let him go, then he wouldn't need to be lookin' for other jobs, and sufferin' these weird injuries.
Tifa: Well there's nothing you can do about it, Barrett. It's up to Cloud to find a new job, no one else.
Barrett: (gets up) Ah ha! I've got it!
Tifa: Huh?
Barrett: I'll get Cloud a job at the Junon Naval Reserve!
Tifa: You could do that?
Barrett: Sure. The Captain down there's owed me big time ever since I pulled him out of that burnin' submarine.
(Cut to the basement. Cloud is laying on the couch, moaning. Barrett walks in.)
Barrett: Getcha ass offa that couch, Cloud! You've places to be, people to see!
Cloud: What the hell are you talking about?
(Cut to Junon, the Junon Naval Reserve, the Captain's office. Barrett is sitting at the Captain's desk, talking to the Captain of the Naval Reserve.)
Captain: I know you saved my life once, but that still doesn't mean I can just let someone join the Navy just like that!
Barrett: But he's a real strong guy! I mean, he was in SOLDIER one time, for God's sake!
Captain: I don't care how strong he is. The fact is, I can't just bend the rules just because you feel bad about something.
Barrett: ...I shoulda left you in that burnin' sub!
Captain: Tell ya what, get him to fill out a recruitment form, and take the basic training, and if he's as good as you say he is, then he can join.
(Cut to the Recruitment Office. Cloud is talking to the recruiter.)
Recruiter: Okay, sir, all you have to do is fill out this simple form and you're on your way.
Cloud: Right oh. (reads the form briefly) What's this? "Are you homosexual?"
Recruiter: Uh, that's a typo, sir. It's meant to say "Are you susceptible?"
Cloud: Well, I have been known to let my emotions get the better of me once in a while...
Recruiter: Well, as long as your emotions have no objection to anal sex with men you hardly know, you'll be fine.
Cloud: Wha...?
(Cut to the Junon Naval Reserve, a bus stop. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are waiting there. Other new recruits are also there.)
Cloud: Well, everyone, I'm off on my training!
Tifa: We know, Cloud. That's why we're here: to see you off.
Barrett: Yeah, but you just remember to b'have yo'self, man. This ain't summer camp.
Cloud: Oh, Barrett, I've been through this exact same kind of thing before with SOLDIER. I think I know how to handle myself.
Barrett: Yeah, well just in case, don't #@$% things up.
(Cut to the Training Camp. Cloud and the new recruits are lining up for inspection. The Drill Sergeant is giving his introduction.)
Drill Sergeant: All right, you pansy bastards, this is basic training! It is here you will be assessed to determine whether or not you're suited for a place in the Navy! (Cloud puts his hand up) Yes, recruit?
Cloud: Yeah, d'you have any spare batteries? (pulls out a walkman) These ones just ran out. (the Drill Sergeant frowns and grits his teeth)
(Cut to the Recruits' Private Quarters. Cloud puts up a picture of Tifa on the wall by his bunk.)
????: Cloud? Cloud Strife?
Cloud: Huh? (looks across) Mukki??
Mukki: Cloud Strife! Boy, I thought it was you out there that caught my little eye amongst the recruits! How's it going, buddy?
Cloud: What are you doing here?
Mukki: What the heck does it look like, silly? I'm training to be in the Navy! It's always been my life long dream to join!
Cloud: That... doesn't exactly surprise me.
Mukki: Well it certainly is lovely to see a familiar face. There's so many people here I don't know.
Cloud: Ah, don't worry, Mukki. I'm sure you'll make friends soon enough. After all, these people seem like... your kind of people.
Mukki: My kind of people? Whaddya mean by that, honey?
Cloud: Nothing. Never mind.
(Cut to the Training Camp. The Drill Sergeant is inspecting the recruits' appearance.)
Drill Sergeant: Look at you bunch of--how in the hell are you supposed to be able to fight for your country, when you can't even dress yourselves properly!
Recruit #1: My mommy's always tied my shoe laces for me...
Recruit #2: (with his pants on over his top) Yeah, and I've never been too good at putting on pants...
Drill Sergeant: Ugh... (walks up to Cloud, whose spikey hair is poking out through the top of his hat) Oh my God! What the hell've you done to your hat?!
(Cut to the harbour. Cloud is tying the end of a ship's rope to something.)
Cloud: There! An almost perfect attempt!
Drill Sergeant: (standing beside Cloud, with the end of the rope tied around his leg) You wanna try that again, Strife?
Cloud: Whoops!
(Cut to the Training Camp, the end of the week. It is graduation day.)
Drill Sergeant: Congratulations, sailors! You're all in the Naval Reserve! (the sailors throw their hats into the air)
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the front gates. A crowd of newly appointed SeeDs are standing there. It is graduation day.)
Garden Faculty Member: Congratulations, students! You're all SeeDs! (the SeeDs throw their hats into the air)
(Cut to Alexandria, Alexandria Castle, the courtyard. A crowd of knights are standing there. It is graduation day.)
Steiner: Congratulations, knights! You are all certified knights! (the knights throw their helmets into the air, which all drop back down towards them)
(Cut to the Junon Naval Reserve, a bunker. The Navy are being briefed on a mission.)
Officer: Sailors, it is my unfortunate duty to inform you that we have been called in to war.
Cloud: What?!
Mukki: War?!
Cloud: We can't be called in to war! We've only just joined the Navy! We're not ready for war games yet!
Officer: Tell that to the enemy, Strife. Now, we'll be going off in to battle tomorrow, 15:00hrs. Until then, be on your guard. (the sailors stare at him) Or head on over to the bar, whatever suits you best.
(Cut to the Underwater Reactor, the submarine bay, the following day. Cloud, Barrett and Tifa are standing there. A submarine is docked in at the bay. Other sailors are getting on board.)
Tifa: So, I guess this is it. You're off to war.
Cloud: Yep. And I'm hoping to kick some major ass.
Tifa: You do that. (hugs him) Good luck, Cloud. Be safe and prosperous.
Barrett: Yeah, good luck, man. We're all routin' for ya.
Cloud: Thanks, you guys. Your support really means a lot to me. And I promise I'll do my best to do my best.
Captain: (on board the sub) Hey! Strife! Quit gawking with the sexy lady and the guy who saved my life once and get your ass on board!
Cloud: Yes, Slavedriver.
Captain: That's Captain Slavedriver to you! (Cloud gets on the sub)
Tifa: (waving) Goodbye, Cloud! We'll see you when you get back!
Barrett: (waving) Make us proud, Cloud! Make us proud!
Tifa: (teary eyed) Oh, Barrett... Our little man's all grown up. (Barrett hugs her as the sub dives into the depths)
(Cut to the ocean. The sub leaves the Underwater Reactor.)
(Cut to the sub. Cloud is talking to Mukki. Mukki is piloting the sub.)
Mukki: Oh, isn't this sooo exciting? There's nothing more thrilling than defending your country!
Cloud: I could think of a million and one better things than war... By the way, who are we fighting anyway?
Mukki: Uh... I'm not quite sure, Cloudy-poos.
Cloud: (turns to the Captain) Excuse me, Captain?
Captain: Yeah?
Cloud: Who's the unlucky nation whose butt we're going to whip? Is it Wutai?
Captain: What makes you say Wutai?
Cloud: I dunno. It's just whenever there's a war going on on this Planet, it's usually those damned Wutainese who started it.
Captain: Well it isn't the Wutainese this time. We're at war with terrorism.
Cloud: Terrorism? Terrorism on whom?
Captain: Us, of course. Where the hell were you during the briefing, Strife?!
Cloud: (ashamed) I was on the can.
Captain: The enemy has been attacking the Underwater Rector for months now. Finally the Navy's decided to take action. We're going to infiltrate the enemies' base and open up a whole can of whoop ass on 'em.
Cloud: ...and the enemy is...?
Captain: I was just getting to the freakin' emeny!
Cloud: Enemy.
Captain: That's what I said!
Cloud: No. You said "emeny".
Captain: D'ya wanna know who we're at war with or not?!
Cloud: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
Captain: ...the Poodler.
Cloud: We're fighting a bunch of crustaceans??
Captain: They're not just a bunch of crustaceans, boy. Them shell-backed bastards are capable of mass destruction. You should see the damage they did to our sub.
Cloud: What sub was that?
Captain: This one.
Mukki: Captain! We've been hit!
Cloud: The Poodler?
Captain: All right, sailors! It's time to hit 'em where it hurts - right between the tentacles!
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the basement. Tifa and Barrett are sitting on the couch.)
Tifa: (sighs) With Aeris out on her spiritual journey, and Cloud at war with the Navy, things have been really quiet around here recently.
Barrett: Yeah. (pause) You wanna do it?
Tifa: That's... That's not what I was suggesting...
Barrett: You weren't?
Tifa: No.
Barrett: Oh...
(Cut to the ocean. The sub is firing torpedoes at the Poodler. The last of them is hit and the ocean is clear.)
(Cut to the sub.)
Captain: Good work, sailors! We got 'em!
Cloud: Great. So we can go home now, right?
Captain: Home?! What are you, simple?! That was just the beginning, Strife. We've a long way to go before we've completely kicked terrorism into touch.
Cloud: (disappointed) Oh...
Captain: Onward to the Poodlers' liar!
Mukki: Aye-aye, Captain! (giggles) I've always wanted to say that!
Captain: (to Mukki) Shut up!
(Cut to the ocean. The sub descends further into the dark depths of the ocean.)
(Cut to the sub.)
Captain: Make a left down that tunnel.
(Cut to the ocean, a cave. The sub turns left into a dark tunnel leading into an even darker cave.)
(Cut to the sub.)
Captain: Our sensors indicate the enemies' lair is close at hand. Everyone, look lively. And expect the unexpected. (punches Cloud in the face)
Cloud: Owww! What the hell was that for?!
Captain: I told you, Strife. Expect the unexpected.
Cloud: But I find it hard to expect things that aren't expected to happen.
Captain: Well start learnin'. (punches Cloud again)
Cloud: Owww!
Mukki: Ooh! Rough play! Can I join in?
Cloud: Mukki? Aren't you supposed to be piloting the sub?
Mukki: Uh... oh, yeah. Silly me.
Captain: My God! We're gonna crash... probably! (he and the crew scream)
(Cut to the ocean, a dark cave. The sub crashes into the side of a rocky wall and begins to sink.)
(Cut to the sub. Water is beginning to seep in through the walls.)
Cloud: Oh my God! We're filling up!
Mukki: ...oh. You meant with water.
Cloud: Captain? What should we do?!
Captain: There's only one thing we can do, Strife. And that's the most honorable thing one can do in this situation. Die with dignity.
Cloud: I'm not too comfortable with dying. Isn't there anything we can do?
Captain: Nope. We're all goners. There's no way out. Unless of course, you wanna try and make for the surface.
Cloud: (takes off his top) Then that's what I'm gonna do!
Captain: Are you crazy? There's enough pressure down here to kill you!
Cloud: Anything's better than staying here, waiting to die. I'd rather die trying to escape than accept defeat.
Captain: Spoken like a true man of the Navy. You know, Strife, you're one of the best recruits this Navy's ever seen.
Cloud: Thanks, Captain. (pause) Are you sure you don't wanna change your mind and come with?
Captain: Nope. I'm the here Captain of this ship, and it's a Captain's duty to go down with it. No, forget about me, Strife. You just get out while you still can. (looks around and sees that Cloud and the rest of the crew have disappeared) What the?! (the sub is quickly filling up with water) Oh, sh- (drowns)
(Cut to Junon, the Junon Naval Reserve, a courthouse. Cloud is facing up to his actions.)
Admiral: Seaman Strife, due to your cowardly actions, the Navy has lost one of its finest Captains ever, Captain Slavedriver. I therefore discharge you from the Navy as of now. (Cloud stares at him, clutching his chest) Go home, Strife.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud is laying on the couch, under a blanket. Tifa walks in with a tray of food.)
Tifa: How's the burst lung, Cloud?
Cloud: Healing... slowly. And painfully too, I guess. Ow! Man, it sure does hurt to breathe. (pause) Tifa, I'm sorry about... you know, getting kicked out of the Navy. I know how much my being there meant to you.
Tifa: Oh, Cloud, it doesn't matter that you were discharged. All that matters is that you're safe and well. Besides, it was way too quiet here without you anyway. To be honest, I'm happy you're back.
Cloud: Aw, thanks, Tifa...
Barrett: (walks in) Yo, Cloud! Getcha ass offa that couch!
Cloud: (moans) What is it now?
Barrett: We've got work to do!
Cloud: Huh? You mean...?
Barrett: Yep. You're re-hired. AVALANCHE is back in business. It turns out Professor Hojo's gone nutty and threatening to flood the city with Mako. It's our job to go kick that little Pointdexter into touch, c'mon. (runs off)
Cloud: I'm right behind ya! (gets up and runs off, groaning "Ow!" with every step he takes because of his burst lung)
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THE END__________
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