Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

Missing Reflection

The months passed by and I couldn't comprehend; how could the world still spin? How could life go on like nothing had happened? It seemed to me like everything should be up in flames, like the world should have ended.

The Sun. How could it still shine? Why did it still shine? The world should be like a black hole: no light. Instead the hole was inside of me, consuming all my emotion, making me numb.

There are so many different types of heartbreak. A toddler becoming mesmerised by an ice cream, slowly eating it, savouring it's creamy taste only for it to fall to the floor. Or the common let down of, "it's not you, I just need some space" when you thought life was perfect. But all these are nothing compared with the death of the person closest to you.

I rolled over onto my back and sighed. Outside, everything was normal. People lived. Breathed. They worried about trivial things, like how much they ate and what they wore. How could people go on like that? How could they live acting as if nothing had happened? As if the world hadn't changed at all.

I stared up at the blank ceiling. Above that was the sky. Heaven. He was up there, peaceful and happy. While I was stuck here, all alone, left in this dark and lonely place called earth. How could I survive without him?

I sat up and looked around, I was in an unfamiliar room. Then I remembered. I couldn't bear to even look at the room we had shared. Too many memories. Too much pain. I gasped, trying to hold back the tears. He had gone and there was nothing I could do about it, nothing except always remember him.

I laughed sadly. How could I ever forget him? We had been best friends forever. We were more than best friends though, we had done everything together. Half of me had disappeared when he died and I didn't know what to do without it. I couldn't laugh, I couldn't smile, I couldn't feel anything. Anything except grief that is.

Grief. That's the word that describes my life without him. Nothingness. How could I feel anything? How would I be able to laugh again? How could I get on with my regular life when it had everything to do with him?

I remembered all the things we had done together. School. Our last year there together and all the mayhem we had caused for Umbridge. I almost smiled, but I couldn't manage it; every time I thought of something I did with him my mind went back to the sight of his body, lying there, but it wasn't him, he wasn't there, he'd gone, he'd left me.

I can't think of it, it's too painful. I was there and I did nothing to stop it. How can I live knowing I should have done something, anything to stop it happening? We were apart for ten minutes and my world was ripped to shreds, so many shreds, so many small shreds. Too small to be fixed. Too small for anything.

I'd never thought of what life would be like without him; why would I? He was a part of me, he still is. I'd say he was the only person I could ever count on, but that's not true, I could count on others. Really he's the only person that ever really understood everything about me, and I was the only one who understood everything about him.

I don't know how to carry on with life, how will I ever be able to go back to the shop? Everything will be so different without him. The world already seems a darker place and I haven't gone out into it yet, not since he's died. I need him in my life, we have always relied on each other and now he's gone, gone forever.

I'd thought about dying in those first few months after his death. Just ending my life so I could see him again. But I knew he wouldn't approve. That's not really the thing that stopped me though. After all, I'm not the only one grieving. I can't leave them; they're still in pain from his death. If I died, I don't know how they'd cope. Both of us dead: it would be too much for them.

I hope he's having fun up there in heaven, smiling and laughing. I hope he's not worrying about me, about how I'm going to continue with this mess called a life. Even if I don't know how myself. I need to believe he's having a good time up there. I know I'll see him one day, but it just seems too far away.

The door opened and Charlie walked in. I sat still, curled up on the bed, not moving an inch. Charlie's eyes passed over me, full of grief, not only for the death of a loved one but the way I was acting as well, almost like I was also dead. As he opened the curtains in this dark room the bright light blinded me. I wasn't used to it. I was used to the room being dark, dark like a black hole, dark like me. But I couldn't close my eyes to escape, if I did he'd be there, imprinted on my mind and I wouldn't be able to cope.

Charlie tried to get me out of the room to at least get clean. I hadn't been out of the room in weeks, I hadn't showered in weeks. I refused to talk to him, to even move an inch. Eventually he left me. Left me in peace. And I broke down. I curled up on the bed and my whole frame shook as I sobbed. He was gone, gone forever. I couldn't keep it in: he was a part of me and he was gone.

Charlie came back later on, trying again to persuade me to get out of the room. This time I didn't resist, I didn't have the energy anymore. I hadn't slept for a long time; too scared I would see his face while I slept. Charlie pushed me into the bathroom pushing the door shut behind me.

As I heard his footsteps fade away I curled up onto the floor. I didn't want to do anything, I felt as if my insides had been ripped out. Eventually I numbly got undressed and stepped into the shower. I felt like I stood there for days as the water ran down my back. Then zombie-like I got out the shower, somehow managing to dry myself with a towel.

Then suddenly I felt the blood drain from my body as I stood transfixed in shock. There he was, staring right back at me.
"Fred?" I heard my voice whisper. He looked different; he had bags under his red, bloodshot eyes and his cracked lips weren't smiling like they always would. His hair hung to his shoulders like it hadn't been cut in months and I could see his cheekbones prominent from his face. But there he stood.

I blinked and suddenly realised what I was seeing. I wailed; my entire body in indescribable pain. For a moment there I had hope. Hope that he was still alive. Hope that he wasn't dead. But then that hope was shattered as I realised I was looking at my reflection in the mirror.

Fred was gone forever and now every time I saw my face, I saw his as well. I didn't know what to do as I stood there shaking. I had thought seeing the similarity in Charlie's face was bad, but seeing my own face… it was unbearable. My breathing was loud and shallow as I held in the sobs.

I couldn't move as I heard footsteps running up the stairs. The door opened and there stood Katie Bell, trying to hide the pain behind her eyes.
"He's there Kates," I croaked, my voice barely a whisper. "He's there in the mirror."
"I know George, I know," she whispered gently as she walked over to hug me. I gasped in the air trying not to cry in front of her, trying to be strong. She had lost him too, they had just got engaged and now she was alone as well, without the love of her life.

My tears poured out uncontrollably and my whole frame shook. I felt her shake against me as she cried as well. We collapsed on the floor, holding onto each other for support. I don't know how she did it, how she looked at me every day, at his carbon copy, trying to help. How could she be so strong?

She led me back to the room and left, offering me a potion to help me sleep. I refused, I was exhausted but I was still too scared to sleep. I was scared that even a dreamless sleep potion wouldn't be able to stop me seeing his face after seeing it in the mirror only an hour ago. So I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, just like I did every night.

I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was hard not to. I had spent my whole life with him, from when we were in our mother's womb, until the day he had died. When he was ill, I was ill. When I was ill, he was ill. You'd think that if he died I'd die too. In a way I had, my old self was gone; I would never truly be me without him. But my body was still working; my heart was still beating, pumping blood around my body.

Even though I was alive, I didn't truly feel alive. I felt like an empty shell filled with nothing but tears to cry. But I know I couldn't just give up, people needed me, my friends, my family, Katie.

So I'll try to go on, I'll never forget Fred and I'll never be whole without him, but in time I'll be able to make new pranks in his memory and in time I'll eventually be able be able to look at myself in the mirror.