"Anne Walker?"
The somewhat shorter guy startled her just as she made up her mind to not get startled again today. Her surge in confidence already had given her a badass bruise, within the first five minutes she had stepped through the doors of the Central Intelligence Agency.
She had rookie plastered all over her face.
"Yes. Annie", she corrected the man, extending her right hand, all businesslike, contrasting with the hypocorism she was permanently stuck with. A mark of her playfulness.
After meeting Conrad, her expectations were pretty high regarding the local eye candy, but this guy – this guy brought her back to reality. His mousey looks made him more appropriate to join the ranks of the cashiers at Geeks'R'Us rather than playing a real life James Bond or Simon Templar.
Oh well, Annie thought, at least he wouldn't have a hard time selling his NOC, whatever that would be.
"I'm Andrew Holman, Tech Ops", he started with a soft, low key voice. "I'm your handler".
Annie Walker in her five inch black Louboutins was towering over this guy making him feel even more intimidated, as he navigated the CIA hallways giving her a quick tour and explaining the basics.
..."we have two 15 minute breaks and a big lunch break", he spoke in a monotone voice, not really looking at his newest operative.
Annie was trying to take in as much info as she could, walking one half step behind Holman, hands behind her back. She stopped abruptly in awe, facing a wall full of stars.
"What's that?"
"Oh, that's where they put the names of all the people who died in the line of duty". Holman's tone mimicked the clinical detachment of a doctor.
Annie didn't blink; she knew this job wasn't all about Martinis and chatting up foreigners. She took another step, pursing her lips and squinting her eyes.
"Did you know any of them?"
The seasoned agent stuttered and scratched his head looking for an answer. What was the protocol for talking to a rookie about the deceased again?
"Some, yeah, I did." He pointed at a freshly pinned star. "I knew – him".
"August Anderson". Annie read the name aloud and chastised herself for a second, as her first thought went to her upcoming August birthday. " What happened to him?" she probed further, wanting to get some insight on how deadly this job is.
"Um...Iraq." Holman glanced at his watch. "It's late, Mrs. Campbell is waiting, we'll finish the tour some other time, OK?"
Annie nodded and followed. Thoughts of her birthday made their way in her mind again and she secretly hoped Danielle wouldn't throw her a surprise party yet again.
If he'd been only a star on the wall…
…she would've been staring at the Ocean every day, trying to fill her heart with its greatness.
It had been raining earlier that day and Annie felt intoxicated. Gray clouds were lingering the sky, the sand was still wet and the waves came crashing 'round her bare ankles.
"There's so much beauty in the world, I want to capture it all".
"Can't you capture it from a bit further? I wouldn't want you catch a cold", he smiled, kissed her shoulder and wrapped her arms around her waist. Adoringly. Protectively.
The water was cold, but she barely noticed it; she had no senses left.
Most time, she felt isolated. This was all there was. Six months pregnant with their second child, trapped forever in what everyone would describe as Paradise. She had thought she loved him, that's why she blew her entire life, her career, her family and her country, to be with him. Simon. Gerard, now. Mr. and Mrs. Gerard Snow.
She couldn't really remember when she fell out of love with her husband, but she was sure this was a normal step in any relationship. No one stays in love forever. After the honeymoon phase, all there's left is commitment and she was committed to him, their children and their life together.
But she was fire and needed feelings and passion and a rollercoaster of emotions to feel alive. This wasn't her Paradise, she was trapped in Purgatory, an eternal limbo, a routine that crushed her spirit and left her empty. She lied to herself frequently, learning to think that this is a mature relationship. It was her decision to leave with him, there was no one else to blame. In her darkest nights, she remembered him as the man who stole her heart. They were happy for a while, and then she fell out of love. She couldn't really remember when she stopped loving this particular alien, but she was determined to use all of the skills she still could remember from her spy days to keep lying to him. He was a good man and they led a good life.
She switched back to autopilot and watched her daughter play in the sand. She secretly wished she wouldn't have left with him that day.
If he'd been only a star on the wall…
…she would've been a spy for no longer than two days.
She found herself crying to sleep yet again, breaking the promise she had made to herself. Within a year or so she had lost what she had thought was the man that held the key to her heart and her job. She made a rookie mistake and now she was out of the CIA forever.
She tossed and turned and tried to find solace in something, in anything, yet she couldn't bring her mind to stop. All those dreams so abruptly ended, no appeal to be made, no get out of jail free card, no three strikes and out. She blew it. Her first and only mission and she blew it. Annie felt lost.
Maybe if she had someone to cheer for her these two days she would've been more ambitious. But everyone was so...sterile. She secretly wished she had told her sister about it, her encouragement might've made the difference.
If he'd been only a star on the wall…
…all that fire would've burned her from within, until there would've been nothing left.
It had been that easy. Once a person really leaves a mark on another soul that mark is permanent. Even after leaving her for the second time, the third time they had met, for a mission, when he asked her to join him for 'two weeks off for decompression', her heart spoke for her.
The words escaped her lips without leaving her brain enough time to process his request and form a logical answer. The words escaped her lips and felt like a prayer.
"Yes".
Annie had never felt so happy in her entire life than that morning in Oslo, waking up to see Ben already repacking for their trip to see the fjords. They didn't really have an itinerary, since Ben thought that planning was an adventure killer. He was unpredictable and so was she. Reaching for the tap to turn it on, she stared in disbelief at the little gold band around her finger. They actually got married. Even if on a whim, she was now Mrs. Ben Mercer. Superspy couple, world travelers. This was better than her dreams. It was real. And then his phone rang.
She'd learned early in their marriage to absolutely loathe that little piece of technology. That was the culprit, not Ben. That telephone and that horrible sound it made was the only thing coming between her and sheer happiness. But at least now, each time Ben was leaving her for days, weeks or sometimes even months in a row, she had a culprit. She could always blame the phone, not the man.
Annie understood that what made her so proud of him was also the one thing that broke her over and over again. Knowing why he''d left didn't make it any less gut wrenching.
Everytime he was gone, she was on edge, expecting a phone call.
To tell her he's dead.
To tell her he's not coming back.
To tell her there's another woman.
To tell her she's too mundane for him.
The anxiety was igniting the fire she felt for him.
From every trip he brought her trinkets and those were all she had in lonely nights. She found solace in the thought that at least they have one of a kind love story.
She secretly wished they'd be normal, though.
If he'd been only a star on the wall…
…Kate Brooks would've had 24 children.
Annie Walker had brought only pain and suffering to those around and after Hong Kong there was nothing at home for her to return to. She had no desire to hurt her sister with the truth and no desire to see Henry Wilcox ruling the CIA as his own turf.
He came back, she stayed behind. She had failed, so it felt appropriate.
No one had called her Cat, Kate, Cathy or other 'Catherine' derivatives growing up, but the adjustment from Annie to Kate had been the easiest thing she'd done in the past four years. Annie Walker died in Berlin and her body had been taken over by the suave Miss Brooks, who each morning greeted her five graders in Kuala Lumpur with a bright smile and a new word for their English thesaurus.
Kate Brooks was giving year after year so many kids she lost count of a chance for a better future. By teaching them English, she was opening up a whole new world for them and that thought allowed her to sleep at night. This year, Kate Brooks had 24 children, but none of her own.
She soon found out that being Miss Brooks was more fulfilling than taking down state enemies. She secretly wished she had never applied for a job at the CIA.
If he'd been only a star on the wall…
…she would've felt free sun bathing on that little fishing boat.
Traveling the world carefree was definitely her thing. She knew Split would be amazing as they went for a walk later in the afternoon, taking in the city. The beauty of Diocletian's Palace transcended everything she had seen so far. So was mesmerized as they almost waltzed through the narrow streets, Eyal taking snapshots of the moments.
Annie's long, pale blue dress paired with roman style sandals enveloped her in an air so appropriate for an empress. He took her hand and kissed it lightly, both smiling for the camera, though his gestures were as mechanical as the shutter. It was pretty clear that she mistook friendship for love and she was pretty sure he did the same. She agreed to take the leap with him after Amsterdam, both having had enough of the spy life. There was something about him that made her feel at ease, protected. Safe.
She had told herself that she'd fall in love with him in no time, given their history and mutual affection, she owed him at least that, but days and weeks and months and years later, they have yet to say 'I love you to one another'.
At least the sex is great.
Eyal and her were kindred spirits who liked the same things and cared deeply for one another. Sharing a life, traveling the world, wasn't that bad.
She secretly wished they wouldn't be so normal.
If he'd been only a star on the wall…
…her soul would've been as scarred as her body, floating no strings attached on the streets of Budapest.
Kinga Toth never left the house without what if felt like a tube of foundation on her face. She used makeup and hoodies to hide the big scar the Russian Intelligence left on her right cheek. And the burn marks on her left one.
At least she had survived.
The half drunk teenagers that found formerly known as Annie Walker after the FSB left her for dead in the outskirts of Yekaterinburg, in the painful winter, poured Vodka on her, thinking she was yet another homeless victim of the merciless temperatures. In their drunken state, they had thought Vodka would keep her warm. It was only when they saw her eyes flutter and heard her moaning they decided to drag her to a local hospital. Good deed of the week that allowed them to skip Church on Sunday and get drunk again instead.
Kinga Toth spoke Hungarian fluently after three and a half years of living in the country and she had no trouble blending in. She could no longer get back to her motherland, as she had given up most of the secrets she had known in a moment of weakness during torture. Being dead to the world had been the only viable choice.
But as she closed down the little shop she worked in, she secretly wished she would have really died.
If he'd been only a star on the wall…
…she'd have been forced to look at life from behind the bars.
When the guard told her that someone was there to see her, Annie's heart raced in anticipation of seeing either her sister or any of her nieces. On birthdays, all three of them would come visit, bringing a huge and delicious ice cream cake and soft, silky underwear. After six years spent in prison for treason and many more to come, Annie knew the only people to visit her were Danielle and her daughters.
Back in the day, her sister had hired lawyers, used up most of the girls' college funds to prove Annie's innocence, but the evidence submitted by Lena had been overwhelming. Fighting against the system was futile. Danielle was the only one on her team.
Annie had secretly wished there had been someone out there who knew how things inside the CIA work fighting for her.
If he'd been only a star on the wall…
…she would've been thrown out of the Farm for breaking into a superior's office with an unbelievable scenario. She had tried to explain, but it felt more like trying to scam a scammer.
…she would've been one as well. She had cheated death one too many times. When that bomb blew up that restaurant, Anne Walker got her last golden star, pinned high up on a forever growing wall.
…she would've been in a Swedish prison, sharing a cell with her sister. They wouldn't have managed to get out of Stockholm and it wouldn't have taken long for both her and Danielle to get caught up in the heat. No pleading would've been enough to convince the authorities that Danielle wasn't too a spy. She would've been collateral.
Five more seconds and he could've been another star on the wall…
…but he wasn't.
He was equilibrium. Passion and domesticity and friendship. He was fire and water and all that's in between.
Annie found herself smirking as she arranged the pens on her desk for what she felt was the millionth time. With all her training, she was going to have a hard time disguising that smile she's been wearing lately, that was now even wider, plastered all over her face.
She stood up, heading for the window that oversaw the immense parking lot. So much for a view, Annie thought.
She watched as her colleagues were perfectly parking their cars in their designated spaces, all rushing in to start the new day. She had gotten to work some good twenty minutes earlier to prepare herself.
"Director?"
"Yes?" Annie turned around to see Sarah, her secretary, entering her office coyly.
"They're ready for you in Conference Room 8."
"Thank you. I'll be there in a minute".
Sarah nodded and left, closing the door behind her.
Annie allowed herself one more moment of solitude before starting what was going to be her first meeting as DCS. She looked out the window again, with one hand in the pocket of her skirt and the other resting on her still flat stomach.
She secretly wished that the new life growing inside of her would be a boy, so he would be just like his father.
A/N. These guys...I keep wanting to create and read and then create some more universes for and with them. And 'what if' is one of my favorite muses ever. In any circumstances. Anyway, R&R s'il vous plaît :)