Niall Horan Slash fiction.
It was Friday, December 09, 2011. The boys and I were having an off day, and we're going to just relax and hang out. You know, do guy stuff. But, you don't understand, nobody here does. I've been going through quite a rough time. I just don't know what I'm going to do about it, what I'm going to say. First, I think I'll start off by introducing myself, so you're not completely confused. My name is Niall Horan. I'm 18 years old, and I'm from Ireland. I was recently on a show in London, called the X Factor. You might have heard of it? Well, I'm in the band One Direction, just like the show you may have heard of this too. But, that isn't the only side of me. I'm also a regular boy, and I have regular kid problems too, just like anybody else.
The thing is I've done stuff that I'm not proud of, things I know that I shouldn't have done. I can't take it back, I wish I could but, I can't. Why am I started to tear up? I told myself that I wouldn't, I've been through this before. I mean, I've never told anybody what I've done before, because I'm scared but, I'm not really confessing to anyone. I just – I'm just afraid that if I tell someone it'll ruin my as well as the boy's career. To be honest I'm not even that worried about my career, because these were my decisions, well, they still are. I know I shouldn't be doing it anymore, but I am. I'm sorry I'm leaving you guys guessing what I'm talking about. I – I used to cut myself, all the time. I just never ever felt good enough for anyone's liking. I was never the honour student, I was never the star athlete, I was never the popular one in school like my brother was. I'm just Niall, and people wouldn't accept me for who I was. Now, they want to accept me, and I feel that isn't right. People shouldn't just accept me now, because of the fact that I'm famous. People are always coming up to me when I'm walking on the street asking for autographs, but I don't understand why. I'm still the same boy that I was before the X Factor. And, that's why I still cut, that's one of the reasons. I have a few, but that's just one.
That is probably the worst reason that factors towards my cutting, only because I'm constantly reminded of it, being who I am now. It may sound stupid or pathetic, or like I'm asking for attention, but the thing is I've never told anyone. So, there is no way that I'm looking for attention, and I honestly don't care how stupid I sound. This is me, what I do, and my reasons. The other reasons are mainly because people have taken advantage of me before. When I look at myself in the mirror I'm not proud of what I see, like you would think that I am. I'm not, I'm actually disgusted at who I am. I don't personally accept myself anymore, people have been putting my down, tearing me down. And once I build myself back up and begin to get my confidence back, I just – I break down again, someone tries to make me feel bad. And, guess what? It works. There's more to it than what meets the eye, there's more things contributing to the cutting. I'm just not ready to admit it yet, and I hope you can respect that. I look around and I see people being happy, enjoying their lives, living like there isn't a care in the world. Then there's me, sitting alone, all worried about what's going to happen to me tomorrow. Being scared if someone is going to see the scars during an interview or a performance. I'm seriously about to give up, but I can't do that to the boys. I respect them way too much, they've done so much for me, and I could never ever do that to them. I think I'll go for now.
** 2 weeks later **
Why? I don't get it! It's me you're doing this too, why bring the boys into it? They didn't do anything. Please stop! Enough!... I caught myself saying this, and then jumped back into reality. Wait, what was just going on? Who was I yelling at? I don't get this… Okay, I think I should catch you up. Please, whatever I tell you. You can't tell a single person, this information could ruin me, no worse than that. I'm not supposed to tell anyone, if I do they're going to come after me, and it won't be very pretty. Okay, there's this kid. I used to go to school with him, we we're actually very good friends at the time, for years. We were quite similar if I say so myself. We were both shy kids, we were a bit insecure, never talked to girls because we felt like we were unattractive. We didn't like to admit it, though we believed this was true. We also got along quite well because we were both into music, which was a hidden talent for both of us. He was an amazing guitarist, and I was a singer. We planned on even starting a band together, but then that day happened. The day that changed everything, it ruined our friendship, our chances at having a band, and we'd never live it down. It would forever haunt me, and there is now, nothing I can do. He had recently told me about this girl he liked, her name was Lily. She had long blonde hair, that flowed through the air, and then landed on her shoulders just perfectly, amazing light blue eyes that you could just melt in. She was a bit curvy, but she was still very fit. I found it quite attractive, but I never said that. She was 5'3 , just adorable. I never did admit to liking her, I decided to be a good friend and let him try to be with her, he seemed really into her. I thought they'd be a really cute couple, and he would make her very happy and she would make him quite happy too. There would always be another girl that I could call my own. He finally gained up the confidence and decided to ask her out, she gladly accepted. Everything seems great, doesn't it? Well, it won't be soon enough. They went out for a few weeks, and then she started talking to me. I was just trying to be friendly, I wasn't trying to do anything to betray him. Then she just kissed me, I had no idea why. I was in complete shock, I couldn't say a word. Don't get me wrong she was quite experienced, and the kiss was great. But, it ruined my friendship, and now my life is in danger. Apparently she had set the whole thing up to get back at him for what he did. Now ever since that day he has vowed that he will make my life miserable, and he will never let me be happy. And he's done so, now to the point that he is threatening my life. I'm not going to tell anyone though, I can't. I wish I could, but I just can't.
I can't get over what had happened, but I can't live my life in misery and fear. I need to get this over with. I'm done. I'm done cutting, I'm done trying to be skinnier, and I'm not going to pretend to be happy anymore. I'm going to be happy, and I'm going to get myself help. I need to change my life; I need to make things better. I'm going to sign myself into a mental health facility, so that I can get help to control my cutting, and all of the suicidal thoughts. I know what I'm risking here, and I know what the publicity is going to end up being like. But, I need to help myself, and make mine as well as the boys life's better, because, we can't fully enjoy this incredible experience that we were giving, if we're all not happy. I'm going to go talk to my mom right now, she's knows absolutely nothing about this, and if I'm coming clean, I think I should talk to her first. Here goes nothing.
"Mom?" I called while walking up the stairs slowly. I have so many thoughts going through my mind right now; I don't know how she is going to react. I'm a bit scared right now. "Yes?" she called back, I could hear that she's in her room. I walked up to the door, and was almost about to cry. I didn't want he to see me being emotional because I didn't want to make this situation any worse. But, then she looked up, I could see the worry in her eyes. "What's wrong, baby? Are you okay?" I went over and sat down next to her on the bed. Here it goes. "Mom, there's something that I need to tell you, I don't know how you're going to react or what you're going to say. I don't even think you'll want to talk to me, let alone look at me. You're going to see me differently, and I –" I couldn't keep talking, I was just out of words, completely speechless. "Okay, honey. I don't know what you're going to tell me, but you can tell me anything. Just talk to me." She said. I let out a deep sign and began to speak again. "Mom, when we were back in mullingar, well, do you remember Josh?" I said, she just nodded. "Well, you know how he was going out with Lily for a few weeks." I stopped again, and she nodded lightly showing her concern. "Well, when they were going out, she kissed me. I have no idea why, but she did. And Josh saw, and ever since that day he has sworn to make me miserable, and to ruin my life, since I ruined his." I kept speaking. " He has people watching me, and he said if I told anyone it'll be the biggest mistake of my life, and that he'll come after me. I don't know what to do, I'm so scared. And that isn't everything. I would really like to sign myself into a mental health facility." Her head jolted up, "What? Why?" I grabbed her hand.