Skywards

Chapter One

I finally realise I'm not alone in the room. Sirius has sneaked in again, I guess. I do like it that way. He, coming to me in the dark, startling me as he approaches.

Sirius always enjoys telling me that I remind the man of him. I'm a dancer too. Hell, it's not like I really want to be like him. It's his entire fault and he doesn't realise that. He's frustrating me. He infects me.

I hear a zipper being unzipped and after a moment I can feel his hands roaming over my body. He snuggles closer to me, breathing on the back of my neck. Maybe he's happy right now. Maybe he thinks that he satisfies me. I always hope his pleasure reminds him of who gave it to him.

Sirius Black.

I think I love him. I think he hates me. I think he adores me, still, hates me. You know how it is.

He moans my name into my ear and his weight is upon me. I gasp.

"Slept tight did you?" he says smugly. Right bastard, he is. He knows that I need him. That's unfair. Unfair.

"And you couldn't, I guess?"

"Nope... My dear, I really couldn't stop thinking about you. Thought that I'd give you a visit." He's kissing me now. Handing out suck marks as if I deserved them.

"You've got no shame in you, sexy" is all I can say.

"Neither do you", he replies and I know that's very true. I don't like it when he's right. And he's always right.

I wonder what people would do if they knew. I wonder what they'd say, how they'd react. Abandon me? Now come on, that's... wonderful. Wonderful.

A delighted laugh boils up my throat. Sirius thinks it's for him and I decide to keep on smiling.

What would happen if the whole world was filled with people like Sirius and I was alone among them? I can almost imagine the feeling of being completely at home and still so disgusted by it.

Sirius doesn't know that I despise our relationship and he doesn't know that I'd rather die than to live without his touch.

There he lies upon me. He's heating me. Yes, he even dares to tell me how cold my body is and doesn't even consider the thought of asking for the permission to warm me up. I guess it's all right though. I could play my hard-to-get game during the days, if I wanted to. During nights he comes and I let him do whatever he wants. During day, I let him need me, as I know he wants me. And I know he's not the only one. He knows it too. That's what I find so damn entertaining.

I wonder what it's all about. His ways of action that tells me that he is older than I am, that I am the little one in his arms. That I'm not struggling though maybe I should. Is that what he needs to prove?

Once I made the mistake of telling him to leave me alone. Well, he hit me. I've never seen him so angry before. And then he left me, indeed, he did. But I could feel him cry sometimes when I imagined him next to me. I sense him, he doesn't know that, but I do. Anyway, he came back after some time, begging, because his sheets were too cold and his heart too crumpled. Perhaps he needs me too. No, what Sirius needs is a tight one, a pair of fleshy, red lips and big seducing eyes. He wants a pretty woman and I can't understand why he choose little me instead. Dumb ass. Why did he choose me?

In the beginning of us I thought I was very happy. Very pleased with myself for finding someone so enchanting. But as time came and went I grew tired of using him as a shelter from the truth of myself. I wanted to stop him coming to me because I thought I used him. I was quite wrong to think that he would ever leave me, whether I wanted him to or not. Don't you know? I want him out of my life more than anything. But it's like smoking I guess. He's my beloved drug, rushing through my body as he comes.

Sirius Bloody Black.

I keep on telling myself that I love him. I do. I love him. I do. And he adores me, I know. The problem is that I want to hate him and he wants to love me and none of us can do it.

I'm scared of him. This lie is tearing me and he is fucking pleased with himself for reaching out to me and actually getting his silver hook around my heart. He caught me and he is so fucking pleased. He's so damn proud. His beloved golden cup on his stupid shelf. Sickening.

And I need him so much. I don't want to think about Sirius going away. I shouldn't have to really. He will never leave me. And I will never leave him.

Because I can't. He will never let me.

He's not asleep yet. He's mumbling something about pleasure. Yes, I think he, once again, enjoyed his time with me.

Oh I'm just glad I can help.

But in the sunset he will be gone. He'll be sneaking back to his own bedroom, leaving me here. I think he even promised me once that I would never be lonely because of him. God I hate it when he lies to me. Lies. Lies. Lies. God I hate him.

What about tomorrow then? Will I meet someone else? Will he buy me a drink, take me to his room and again will I hear a man whisper my name into my ear and feel a man explore me? Oh yes. Again I will be disgusted, once again, I will be thinking that Sirius is going to be so angry. I'll laugh. Laugh because I love upsetting him. I think he deserves some anxiety. Oh yes, he'll be so worried. What if I find him worse? What if this man I meet will beat him far away from me? What if he's not good enough?

God, I hate him.

I want to make him angry. He'll hit me again. He'll make me spit in his face. He'll force me down and -

I know he owns me, Sirius, I know will never leave him. God, damn it, I'm his and he wants to make sure that I understand it. Why, the world is a simple thing.

Tomorrow is another day.

When my family and dad died Remus adopted me. Don't ask me how he managed to but I kind of wish he hadn't. If I had been put into the orphanage with the nuns I might have grown up to be a proper child with the right ideas of what is wrong and what is right. And maybe I wouldn't have come across Sirius in this way.

Remus has never hurt me, thank goodness.

But he doesn't say anything. I think he knows how Sirius thinks of me and I think I know what Remus thinks himself.

I don't think I want to know.

But Remus is the kind of man who gives me a hug from time to time. He wants to think that I'm still his innocent little child. And when Sirius comes over he doesn't say anything because it's his best friend. Remus can't say anything. I know he wishes he had Sirius position in life when it comes to getting something.

When Sirius first told me to lay down and let him guide me through, I wasn't scared. He thought I was, though. It annoys the hell out of me but Sirius shows me pity sometimes. Hell, everyone do. I am after all just a little nobody without parents, adopted by a monster. So very pretty, so very bright, what happened to the poor creature?

What happened?

I remember the day Remus came to get me. He gave me a light hug and said, "Things'll be alright."

I hate it when people lie to me.

I didn't want my parents to die. Not my caretakers either. I'm not saying I want them back anymore - I just couldn't bare letting them see how I've grown up.

And people ask me how I handle the loss. People say that time comes, time goes and here I am, left alone. They say they feel so sorry for me. I appreciate their concern, I really do.

I guess I like to say that I depend on me, myself and nobody else. With my long and slender hands I could touch the clouds I think. But while I'm not looking someone could grab me from behind. Always the same danger.

I don't know who to trust and I know I want to leave.

And I know I never will...