I own nothing. All mistakes are my own.

Chapter 1

Do you ever have a nightmare you can't wake up from? That's my life.

The rain is loud as I lay in my bed. Its 5:30 a.m. I should be sleeping, I have to get up in an hour, but I woke up at five, and I needed my fix again. "My fix? Is that what this has really come down to?" The sound of the rain is making my head pound. Rain used to have such a calming effect, now it's just annoying.

Detective Jane Rizzoli, that used to have a nice ring to it, now it's just Jane. How can you be a detective when you're like I am? Charles Hoyt ruined this all for me. I can't even sleep at night, because all I dream about is him, every time I close my eyes I'm back on that basement floor. The only thing that keeps me sane is this whiskey bottle.

Maura has offered to stay with me until I get better, but what if I never get better. What if the memory of Charles Hoyt haunts me until the day I die? I don't want her to know; don't want anyone to know what he has done to me. What I have let myself stoop to. I keep thinking Maura's going to find out, but she hasn't. No one knows.

I try to never go to work drunk, but these last few weeks a have hard. I'm to the point to where I need it all the time. This bottle is my life line, if I don't have it with me I start to shake. I tell myself that I don't need it, but deep down I know I do. This is the only thing that gets me through the day. I roll over, and look at the clock 5:45 screw it there's no point in trying to sleep. I get myself out of bed, and head to the bathroom. Maybe a shower will make me feel better, maybe take this continuing ace I feel go away.

I step out of the shower, and get myself dressed. I avoid the mirror; I do not want to see what I have become. I've tried to deny it, but I know what I am, I'm an alcoholic. I can admit it, most alcoholics can't, am I really one? I look at the clock as I go back into my bedroom, 6:15 I'll get to work early today. That will give me a chance to work on my paper work that has been neglected.

I pour myself a shot of my fix. One is all I thought I needed, three later I know I need to stop. That much will not get me drunk, but I don't want to chance it since I'm going to work. I get into my car, and look in my glove compartment, my bottle is still there, so I'm good ready to go.

I sit at my desk for I don't know how long working on this paper work. I need to go to my car; my head is starting to pound again. As I make my decision to go to my car, Maura comes out of nowhere. That's weird usually I hear her. She flashes me that smile I love.

"Your here early."

"I wanted to get a start on this mountain sized paper work I have here".

She takes a good look at my face, gives me a weird look.

"Have you been sleeping much? You have dark circles under your eyes."

"I'm sleeping just fine; I'm just tired, because I got up early, so I could get this stuff done."

I didn't mention the six or seven times I had gotten up, because I needed my fix.

"If you're having nightmares again, I'll come stay with you." "Maura its fine, no nightmares I promise. Now I need to know if you got the tox screen back from the John Doe we had yesterday?"

Three hours, and two arguments with Frost later, I was able to get a moment alone to go to my car. This was what I needed, I knew it the minute I tasted it. If I don't have this then what do I have? I don't have an answer to that question.

I get home that night, and go straight to the ice box, but before I can get it out someone knocks on the door.

"Dammit who is screwing up my night?"

I ignore the person at the door, and get my bottle out, but before I can open it I hear Maura.

"Jane I know your here, your car is in the parking lot."

"Dammit."

I put the bottle back in the freezer behind the ice cream, and make my way to the door.

"I'm coming."

I open the door to find Maura holding up a bag of Chinese food. I so don't need this right now, I say to myself while I look at Maura, and smile.

"You brought food."

"I noticed you didn't eat lunch, so I figured I would bring you some food. Can I come in?"

I want her to leave, but I know if I tell her to leave she will know something is up.

"Sure."

I say as I open the door enough to let her in. There goes my night. I think to myself as I shut the door.

Let me know if you like it.