I watched Bella's hunched-over figure shiver violent spasms, and I cringed. What could I do? I couldn't go over and warm her with my body heat—if I did, she would probably turn into an icicle. This was a time where I truly hated myself. Why couldn't I be human for her? She deserved so much better, and now she was going to freeze because I was a monster.
I had done all I could. Her boots were still on, as well as the jacket I had reminded her to pack. It was thick, but it obviously wasn't thick enough. Alice had warned me about the weather before we had left. Her distant words echoed in my head.
"It's going to be unusually cold for this time of year, Edward."
I had assured her I knew; I wouldn't put Bella's safety in danger.
Yet here we were.
She turned her head towards me. "W-w-w-w-w-what t-t-t-t-time is it?" By now Bella's lips had turned an unhealthy shade of blue. A fresh shot of worry ran through me. My mind was filled with plans to help her, none of which would work for many different reasons.
"Two," I answered anxiously. A few more hours until the sun came up, when it would heat up the day a bit more, the temperature rising a couple degrees. A couple degrees made all the difference. But it was hours away—hours.
We could still run back to my house, and ignore this whole thing. I could get her warmed back up, and she sleep the night there. Then we could wake up early, and I could run her back here. But she was stubborn, and wouldn't budge from her resolve.
I tried again anyway. "Maybe..." If I could just get her to see for one second, that was all I needed. One second to persuade her into seeing sense again. For her not to be subjected to this kind of torturous weather.
"No, I'm f-f-f-f-f-fine, r-r-r-really. I don't w-w-w-want to g-go outside," she forced through her rattling teeth. I had already had to assure her several that the scent we had laid out wouldn't be lost in the snowstorm, but she still worried.
I laughed without humor, a dry, bitter sound. Bella was freezing to death, and here she was trying to convince me she was perfectly alright! We both knew she wasn't, but her mind was set and nothing I would do could change that.
This fragile human girl was driving me crazy with worry. "What can I do?" I begged, the weight on my shoulders finally becoming too much for me. I had tried my best to stay calm for her sake, but it was getting hard to manage. Too hard.
Bella shook her head outside, too cold to speak. Words had finally become too much for her.
Outside, the dog let out a high-pitched keen, which was lost by the howling wind. Is she okay? It surprised me how much this werewolf cared for Bella...not that I enjoyed that. In fact, I thoroughly hated it. This 'Jacob' boy was young and careless, while I spent every moment around Bella trying not to break her. He didn't have to worry about that—he just had to keep his temper down.
It was absurd how she worried for the boy's safety. "G-g-g-get out of h-h-h-ere." A moan escaped my lips, too low for her to hear. I quickly shut my mouth, mentally cursing myself for being so careless as to express my emotions verbally in front of her. If she saw how much pain this caused me, she would try to hide it.
My hand clawed the ground, and I growled, trying to cover up my annoyance and anger. "He's just worried about you," I reassured her, trying to keep my voice smooth. I managed to succeed, though not without difficulty. "He's fine. His body is equipped to deal with this." If only she was as warm as he was.
"H-h-h-h-h-h." Bella couldn't talk anymore.
Jacob's howl was laced with complaint. Can't you do something?
With his constant howling and Bella's shuddering frame, I was through with being polite. "What do you want me to do? Carry her through that? I don't see you making yourself useful. Why don't you go fetch a space heater or something?" My temper had finally burst, and I just wanted Jacob Black to go away.
Bella protested, trying to stay strong. "I'm ok-k-k-k-k-k-kay." I groaned, for I knew she was everything but okay. Though she was trying to convince me otherwise, she wasn't. I knew she wasn't.
I scowled as Jacob howled a thought. I'm coming in! Annoying mutt. Why was he coming in? It was his job to stay outside until Seth arrived. If it hadn't been for my practiced control, I would have literally stood up and forced him to stay outside. The cold weather wasn't bothering me one bit.
"That was hardly necessary," I muttered, loud enough for him to hear. I'll be her space heater, leech. I shook my head. I wasn't allowing him to get that close to her. Not while I was here.
"And that's the worst idea I've ever heard," I shouted, raising my voice above the sound of the wind. Bella looked up at me curiously, not understanding yet.
Too late.
He pulled down the tent zipper, sending in a rush of cold air, which caused Bella to shiver violently. "I don't like this," I hissed, slitting my eyes. Bella was curled in upon herself in the thick sleeping bag, practically in a fetal position, radiating in her own body heat.
Jacob zipped the tent door back up. "Just give her the coat and get out," I commanded. He dropped the parka by the door. It was wet and frozen, and was in a crumpled heat once Jacob dropped it. If Bella were to put it on, she would probably just get colder. If that was possible.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-w," Bella stuttered. Jacob whined, too low for her to hear, but I could still hear. I shot a baleful glance at him. Just get on with it, dog.
"The parka's for tomorrow—she's too cold to warm it up by herself. It's frozen," he told me. "You said she needed a space heater, and here I am." He gestured with his arms to himself, cracking a smile. His body stood in the entrance, large and towering above Bella.
"J-J-J-J-Jake, you'll f-f-f-freez-z-z-ze," she complained meekly.
He continued to beam, undeterred. "Not me. I run at a toasty one-oh-eight point nine these days. I'll have you sweating in no time."
I snarled, furious at the images going through his head. Ignoring me, he crouched down next to Bella and started to unzip her sleeping bag. She shivered as the heat started
My hand shot out, restraining him from going any further. If the mutt even placed one foot in that sleeping bag, I would rip him to shreds. Jacob's muscled tightened up at my touch. He snarled furiously, a sound that came up from his throat and cracked like thunder when it came out.
"Get your hands off of me!" he shouted, defensive. A shudder ran through him, and he clenched his trembling fists together in an attempt to control his temper.
I answered back darkly, "Keep your hands off of her."
Through all the commotion, Bella whispered, "D-d-d-don't f-f-f-f-fight." This weak girl was inbetween an angry vampire and werewolf, and instead of worrying for her own safety, she worried for ours. I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself, as was Jacob. Her concern placed a frown on my face. She underestimated me?
"I'm sure she'll thank you for this when her toes turn black and drop off!" Jacob seethed, his eyes livid and his face raging with fury.
The kid had a point. As much as it pained me for a werewolf to get in her sleeping bag, it would keep her warm. I retreated to my lonely corner of the tent. But I would keep an eye on Jacob Black. If he even tried to....I couldn't finish my sentence.
I parted with one demand. One he better not break, or he was going to be one sorry pup. "Watch yourself," I warned, elapsing into silence. For a minute the tent was filled only with the sound of the wind roaring outside in the black forest.
"Scoot over, Bella," he requested, zipping the sleeping bag the whole way open. Her eyes were shut tight, but she opened them a peek at his voice.
Understanding and outrage flashed across her face. "N-n-n-n-n!" She tried to protest, but was too cold to finish her angry sentence.
Jacob laughed, but it was one filled with concern, only half humorous. The smile faltered on his face as he managed to choke out, "Don't be stupid! Don't you like having ten toes?" Ah, Jacob, always trying to lighten up a serious situation with humor. This was anything but a funny situation.
He crammed his huge body next to Bella, zipping up the sleeping bag, filling it up with his body heat. Her facial features relaxed, and I tried to ignore his smug thoughts as she pressed her cold hands against him eagerly as she realized just how warm he was. But at least she was warm now.
"Jeez, you're freezing, Bella." He didn't really care, he was just rubbing it in my face. That he was the one in the sleeping bag, not me.
"S-s-s-s-sorry." Apologizing, as always.
"Try to relax," he suggested. "You'll be warm in a minute." A smirk appeared on his face. I saw his thoughts before he spoke them, but he was quick enough that I didn't get to yell at him before they were out of his mouth. "Of course, you'd warm up faster if you took your clothes off."
My eyes widened and an enraged growl ripped harshly from my throat. How dare he?! She was mine, not his. She had promised to be mine forever just last night and he thought he had a stupid, wolfy claim on her?
"That's just a simple fact!" he snapped back at me. "Survival one-oh-one." He shrugged, bringing her closer to him.
"C-c-cut it out, Jake," she mumbled angrily. It pleased me that she didn't like what she said, either. "N-n-n-nobody really n-n-n-n-needs all ten t-t-t-toes." But she made no move to pull away. I tried convincing myself that she was just luxuriating in the warmth.
"Don't worry about the bloodsucker," he told her, shooting a glance at me. The kid had nerve. And I was running out of patience. "He's just jealous."
That hit me spot on.
I lightened my tone, though it took some effort. "Of course I am. You don't have the faintest idea how much I wish I could do what you're doing for her, mongrel." To be able to hold her close, without making her cold. To be able to share my body heat with her....
"Those are the breaks." His thoughts were all light and pleasant, then took on a sour edge. "At least you know she wishes it was you."
My mouth twitched up in the darkness. "True." It was no mystery Bella loved me. Though it was a mystery why. How she could love a monstrous creature like me, who couldn't even keep her warm? Couldn't hug her in this weather when she was already an ice cube?
Bella's shuddering slowed down. There, he thought, I told you it would work. "Feeling better?" he asked out loud. He waiting for the inevitable answer to shove it in my face. The dog was testing my self-control. I was about to break.
"Yes," she said in a clear tone, for the first time since the spasms began.
Then Jacob's thoughts revealed his actions. "Your lips are still blue. Want me to warm those up for you, too? You only have to ask."
I heaved a sigh, wondering when he was ever going to give up. If he ever was. But he would soon enough, because Bella would be my...wife. The thought made me smile in pleasure—true pleasure—for the first time since the night had started. He would no longer be able to hope in stealing her from me. Ever.
"Behave yourself," Bella commanded. The talking ceased, and silence took residence in the small tent as she closed her eyes.
Finally, she murmured, "Jake? Can I ask you something? I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, I'm honestly curious."
He chucked. "Sure," he said, remembering a conversation shared between the two. It made me jealous, when it was in between just the two of them.
"Why are you so much furrier than your friends? You don't have to answer if I'm being rude."
He stiffled laughter. "Because my hair is longer." The dog shook his head so that his hair brushed against her cheek.
"Oh." She seemed surprised. "Then why don't you cut it? Do you like to be shaggy?" His cheeks flushed a bright red, but determined to hide it, he looked at the easiest thing to look at besides Bella—the tent ceiling.
She seems to like it better that way. The answer was automatic, but the thought now took on a flustered side. He didn't answer immediately, embarrassed.
I chuckled under my breath. Uncomfortable situation he was in, wasn't it?
The silence took on a new meaning to Bella, and she, too, would've blushed if she hadn't been so tired. "Sorry," she apologized, yawning. "I didn't mean to pry. You don't have to tell me." She snuggled deeper into the sleeping bag.
He got annoyed. Edward is gonna say it if I don't, so I probably should. Annoying bloodsucker.
The mongrel hesitated. "Oh, he'll tell you anyway, so I might as well....I was growing my hair out because...it seemed like you liked it better long." He finished, and a redder blush touched his cheeks for an instant, before disappearing. He was grateful Bella didn't see.
"Oh," she repeated, surprised. "I, er, like it both ways, Jake. You don't need to be...inconvenienced."
"Turns out it was very convenient tonight, so don't worry about it." He shrugged nonchalantly, unbothered.
It was quiet in the small tent, and Bella's breathing became deeper and slower, a sign she was starting to fall asleep. Good.
"That's right, honey, go to sleep," Jacob cooed, snuggling her to him. The pain in my chest was nothing compared to that in my throat now. How much I wanted to be him right now. To hold Bella close to me, with Jacob gone forever.
Jake? A new but familiar voice went through my head.
"Seth is here," I said through my teeth. This was his cue to leave. Now he had an excuse—he couldn't leave Seth outside all alone, could he?
He partially ignored me. "Perfect. Now you can keep an eye on everything else, while I take care of your girlfriend for you." A ripple of anger went through me, and my teeth clenched together to the point of breaking.
Bella groaned. "Stop it," she mumbled, the breath of a whisper. She could tell I was upset.
As Bella began to doze, fantasies plagued Jacob's mind, all of Bella and him. It sent a burn through my heart as he kept thinking.
"Please!" I hissed through my clenched teeth, pulling him out of his wonderland. "Do you mind!"
"W-what?" he whispered, confused. Of course he knew what I was talking about! But he flushed a tomato-red anyway, confirming my thoughts. Embarrassed that I was in his head, once again. It was not like I could turn it off.
I rolled my eyes in annoyance at his faked ignorance. "Do you think you could attempt to control your thoughts?" My tone was blazing with fury. I was like a young werewolf—I had to control my temper, or else bad things would happen.
Bella was mine, she would never be his! Why wouldn't he just give up?
Fazed, he hissed back, "No one said you had to listen." He paused. "Get out of my head."
My hands clawed at the ground, and I tried hard not to rip the fine material that the tent was composed of. "I wish I could. You have no idea how loud your little fantasies are. It's like you're shouting them at me." Really, he was. Jacob was practically forcing the thoughts into my mind, trying to burn holes through it.
"I'll try to keep it down." His voice dripped with thick sarcasm.
A curious tone entered his mind. Are you jealous I'm allowed to do that kind of stuff with her while you're not?
"Yes. I'm jealous of that, too." He had no idea. The thoughts that were dancing in his little head were some I could never think of, no matter how much I wanted to.
His smile widened, exposing glistening white teeth. "I figured it was like that. Sort of evens the playing field up a little, doesn't it?" More than he knew. Not that I would admit that to him—then he would get all cocky.
I chuckled once without humor. "In your dreams."
Jacob was quiet for a moment. "You know, she could still change her mind. Considering all the things I could do with her that you can't. At least, not without killing her, that is."
How I envied him! I wanted so badly to do those things with Bella—without killing her. To be an equal lover to her, to please her. He had no idea how close I had come to saying 'yes' to her seductive pleas the night before.
I controlled my thoughts before continuing. "Go to sleep, Jacob," I ordered softly, but firmly. "You're starting to get on my nerves." If only he knew how much.
"I think I will. I'm really very comfortable."
I almost walked over to him, ripped him out of the sleeping bag, and took his place. It was only my thin strip of self-control that kept me hanging on the mental ledge provided for me.
His next thoughts surprised me, though.
Would you answer some questions, leech?
His questions were not taunting in the slightest, just full of the curiosity a young boy like him possessed.
"Maybe I would," I voiced aloud, after consideration. I had seen his thoughts—no harm was intended to me.
He thought over my answer. "But would you be honest?" I had to give the dog credit—he was quite clever.
"You can always ask and see." My voice betrayed my emotions; I was trying hard not to laugh. It was thick with suppressed laughter.
He ignored that. "Well, you see inside my head—let me see inside yours tonight, it's only fair."
"Your head is full of questions. Which one do you want me to answer?"
He picked one I would rather not he asked.
"The jealously...it has to be eating at you. You can't be as sure of yourself as you seem. Unless you have not emotions at all." His tone turned scathing at the end, practically daring me to speak otherwise.
My voice darkened. For once, I would tell the complete truth. "Of course it is. Right now it's so bad that I can barely control my voice. Of course, it's even worse when she's away from me, with you, and I can't see her."
Something about the kid made me want to answer honestly, instead of lying. Perhaps it was the innocence of his thoughts, or perhaps the raging curiosity that his tone beheld.
Jacob bit his lip, and another question popped into his mind. "Do you think about it all the time?" he murmured, propped himself up on his elbow to look at me better. He did it carefully, though, so as not to wake up Bella. Her body rose steadily now, every breath gentle now. A glorious change from the shuddering and rapid breath that caused her breath to be visible and hang in the air. Her cheeks were flushed as they warmed up.
He continued with his question, not pausing. It was only then that I was looking at Bella with a tender reverence. Jacob's nose crinkled up when he saw this. "Does it make it hard to concentrate when she's not with you."
Just seeing Bella highlighted his last sentence. Imagining it was even worse. "Yes and no," I said, my expression guarded. I took a deep, unneeded breath. "My mind doesn't work quite the same as yours." What an understatement, but not the way my words made it sound. "I can think of many more things at one time. Of course, that means that I'm always able to think of you, when she's quiet and thoughtful."
There was silence for a moment as Jacob processed this. A wary smile started to crawl across his face. Does she...think of me often? The question was tinged with mental hope that was suppressed, in case my answer was not the one he wanted.
As much as it pained me, I owed it to him to answer truthfully. "Yes, I would guess that she thinks about you often."
His smile burst forth, like a cracking dam releasing gushing water. I struggled internally with myself, determined not to growl.
"More often than I like," I added, and his smile disappeared as he became serious again. "She worries that you're unhappy." Unfortunately, he had been under the impression of something different. It was my job to make it crystal clear to him. "She worries that you're unhappy. Not that you don't know that. Not that you don't use that." Jacob needed to know that I knew that.
The gears in his brain were turning, struggling to come up with a smart-alec retort. "I have to use whatever I can," he finally defended himself. "I'm not working with your advantages—advantages like her knowing she's in love with you."
It was my turn to smile, but I made it a small one. Jacob was just a child, mature in some aspects of life, but nonetheless a child. His feelings were hurt easily, and were very fragile.
Jacob waited patiently for an answer from me. "That helps," I agree nonchalantly.
It was like a game, going back and forth. Now it was his turn to play. "She's in love with me, too, you know." That hit the spot, even though I had known what he was going to say. It still cut deep into me. I stayed silent, unable to answer.
He let out a long-suppressed sigh. "But she doesn't know it." His brown-black eyes were conflicted, as he mentally added, Unlike she does with you.
This was a time where I had to lie. To say it was unfair was fair: Jacob couldn't read my mind, yet I could read his. It was most definitely uneven—he didn't know if I was lying or telling the truth.
"I can't tell you you're right."
That was my small outlet—if the question was too much to bear, a little white lie couldn't hurt, not in this...interesting...situation. Even if it did, I would be able to get myself out of it. I had many times before.
Jacob looked up at the ceiling of the tent, which was being beat upon by the harsh and howling wind that blew outside. "Does that bother you?" he questioned, not tearing his gaze away. "Do you wish you could see what she's thinking, too?"
"Yes...and no, again. She likes it better this way, and, though it sometimes drives me insane, I'd rather she was happy." When I thought over that, a sense of peace settled into the bottom of my stomach. As long as she was content, I would be fine. That's all I longed to make her—happy.
Though that hadn't worked well to my advantage the previous night. I had been so caught up in...lust that I hadn't been able to think clearly. I was the most selfish creature on the face of the Earth. But Jacob didn't need to know our compromise.
Jacob's arm automatically tightened against Bella when the wind blew the tent, sending it shuddering. I knew that it wouldn't be blown over, but Jacob had the unnecessary urge to protect her. So did I, but of course, if I touched her for even one second I was afraid I was see the shivers along her spine again. With that thought in mind, I stayed in my isolated corner, biting back the urge to run over there and scoop my precious Bella up in my arms, kicking that pesky Jacob Black out of the tent. But he was keeping her warm.
I made sure my emotions were in check before I whispered a 'thank you'.
The next thing that came out of my mouth was one I never dreamed I would say. "Odd as this might sound, I suppose I'm glad you're here, Jacob." Only because he was keeping her warm. And only that.
He snorted quietly, and a rumble passed through his chest. He was laughing. "You mean, 'as much as I'd love to kill you, I'm glad she's warm,' right?" I pursed my lips together, though a small smile slipped out. He had hit it spot on.
I flashed my perfectly white teeth at him, and he cringed back, though the gesture wasn't meant to be threatening. "It's an uncomfortable truce, isn't it?"
Jacob suddenly smiled back at me, though it was full of smugness. "I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am." His tone was partially taunting, partially playful. The taunting side won out, much to my displeasure. The smile wiped off my face, and my eyes narrowed.
"I'm not such a fool as to wear it on my sleeve like you do," I spat. "It doesn't help your case, you know."
"Huh," he muttered, thoughtful, ignoring my building annoyance with him. "You have more patience than I do," he spoke, louder.
I smirked, a small chuckle passing through me. "I should. I've had a hundred years to gain it. A hundred years of waiting for her." Her exactly. Isabella Marie Swan. In a few months, she would be mine. Jacob Black would not steal her away.
Uncomfortable, he shifted the subject, and he carefully crafted his expression to one of utter curiosity. "So," he started, biting the inside of his cheek, "at what point did you decide to play the very patient good guy?"
I would've laughed it off, but he was serious. "When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose. It's not usually this difficult to control. I can smother the...less civilized feelings I may have for you fairly easily most of the time. Sometimes I think she sees through me, but I can't be sure."
He was still hoping. "I think," he started, "you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose, she might not choose you."
My answer got caught in my throat, and I had to make sure I had control over my voice before I spoke again. "That was a part of it." I exhaled loudly. "But only a small part," I clarified. "We all have our moments of doubt. Mostly I was worried that she'd hurt herself trying to sneak away to see you. After I'd accepted that she was more or less safe with you—as safe as Bella ever is—it seemed best to stop driving her to extremes."
The chance of Bella hurting herself was manifesting itself more and more each day. First, she had a vampire who craved her blood fall deeply in love with her. She then had a sadistic vampire start tracking her for her blood. When her vampire lover left for her safety, she starting hanging out with a werewolf. And the mate of the tracker who the 'good' vampires had killed started tracking her, too. To add to this, a newborn army was after her.
Jacob Black sighed. "I'd tell her all of this, but she'd never believe me."
"I know."
He rolled his eyes humorously. "You think you know everything," he accused. Maybe this was true.
Yet maybe it wasn't. A wave of uncertainty washed over me, making me uncomfortable. "I don't know the future." Even Alice didn't know all of it, since she couldn't see the wolves. This made me deathly afraid.
Jacob thought over this thoroughly. He was hesitant in asking it, but my prodding eyes convinced him to spit it out. "What would you do if she changed her mind?" His voice was uncertain.
Once again, this was a silent reminder that the future was not set in stone. Anything could change at any given moment. "I don't know that either."
He let out a hushed snicker. His thoughts turned sarcastic, mocking me in his next question. "Would you try to kill me?" he taunted.
As much as I would like to, I couldn't. It was certainly possible, but not without hurting myself. It was an interesting situation. If I hurt Jacob Black, I would hurt Bella, and if Bella was hurt, I would get hurt.
"No," I said simply, and his thoughts became even more curious.
Jeering me, he asked, "Why not?"
I folded my arms across my chest, speculating him. Was he really that stupid? After all he—and I, and her—had gone through, was it possible he was really so oblivious? "Do you really think I would hurt her?"
The previous expression slid off his face, and he scowled, admitting to both him and I that I was correct. "Yeah, you're right," he voiced aloud. "I know that's right. But sometimes..."
So we both shared fantasies about killing each other. If an outsider were to think about, it would be amusing to see how they would take it. "Sometimes it's an intriguing idea," I finished for him.
Jacob fell down onto the sleeping bag to muffle the laughter that was shaking his frame. I smiled, too. Eventually he managed to calm himself down enough to talk. "Exactly," he agreed inbetween chuckles.
He turned his large body so that he was laying on his back, his arms folded behind his head. His thoughts took a new direction, questions beginning to swirl around his head. The questions I absolutely dreaded. I squared my shoulders, and pinched my nose between my index finger and thumb.
There was a quiet moment when he sifted through his thoughts, wanting answers, but not wanting to push me so far that I didn't answer them at all. He picked some he needed answers to, that were necessary, then some that were nice to know for future reference. All joking disappeared from his thoughts, the atmosphere changing to a pensive one.
"What is it like? Losing her?" He chose the easiest one for him, but...not for me. "When you thought that you'd lost her forever? How did you...cope?"
"That's a very difficult one for me to talk about," I admitted. Still he waited, knowing I'd find a way to answer him. He needed this one. What if Bella decided to pick me? The outcome was almost certain, and he needed to know how.
With careful and deliberate thought placed into my words, I started slowly. "There were two different times that I thought that."
I paused, collecting myself. This was harder than I had admitted to myself, and I had only spoke one sentence so far.
"The first time, when I thought I could leave her..."—pain shot through my body—"that was...almost bearable. Because I thought she would forget me and it would be like I hadn't touched her life. For over six months I was able to stay away, to keep my promise that I wouldn't interfere again. It was getting close—I was fighting but I knew I wasn't going to win; I would have come back...just to check on her." At least that's what I thought I was going to do, but I would've ended up staying with her. If she would've accepted me.
"That's what I would have told myself, anyway. And if I'd found her reasonably happy...I like to think that I could have gone away again." But we both knew I couldn't have.
"But she wasn't happy," I continued, my heart ripping. "And I would have stayed. That's how she convinced me to stay with her tomorrow, of course. You were wondering about that before, what could possibly motivate me...what she was feeling so needlessly guilty about. She reminded me of what it did to her when I left—what it still does to her when I leave. She feels horrible about bringing that up, but she's right. I'll never be able to make up for that, but I'll never stop trying anyway."
Not only was that hard to process for him, but it was agonizing for me. Just seeing the pain evident on her face...It broke my heart. I did everything I could to make up for it, but I knew it would never be enough.
Jacob snapped me out of my trance for the infinite time by asking another question. The hardest question. The one that made my heart break, the one that made me feel like I was being burned alive again. Roughly, he whispered, "And the other time—when you thought she was dead?" Will it feel like that...for me?
I was so glad for the add-on question I almost sighed with gratitude. I picked the latter one to answer.
"Yes. It will probably feel like that to you, won't it? The way you perceive us, you might not be able to see her as Bella anymore. But that's who she'll be."
Jacob's face hardened at my aversion to the real question. "That's not what I asked."
I started to panic then. My voice became rough, and my answer came out fast and hard. "I can't tell you how it felt. There aren't words."
He grasped Bella harder, like she was his lifeline.
His next words came out slowly and accusingly. "But you left because you didn't want to make her a bloodsucker. You want her to be human."
I matched the comfortable pace of his words, feeling a speech about to burst out of me. A very long one. "Jacob," I addressed him, "from the second that I realized that I loved her, I knew there were only four possibilities." Only four, three of which didn't work.
"The first alternative, the best one for Bella, would be if she didn't feel as strongly for me—if she got over me and moved on. I would accept that, though it would never change the way I felt. You think of me as a...living stone—hard and cold. That's true. We are set the way we are, and it is very rare for us to experience a real change. When that happens, as when Bella entered my life, it is a permanent change. There's no going back...." The point of no return, per say.
I took another unneeded breath. I'd been doing that a lot tonight. "The second alternative, the one I'd originally chosen, was to stay with her throughout her human life. It wasn't a good option for her, to waste her life with someone who couldn't be human with her, but it was the alternative I could most easily face. Knowing all along that, when she died, I would find a way to die, too. Sixty years, seventy years—it would seem like a very, very short time to me...."—the blink of an eye—"But then it proved too dangerous for her to live in such close proximity with my world. It seemed like everything that could go wrong did. Or hung over us...waiting to go wrong. I was terrified that I wouldn't get those sixty years if I stayed near her while she was human."
The third alternative was the worst I could have chosen. It destroyed my life for six months, leaving me in a void of nothingness, no meaning to my already-ended life. At the time I thought it was best. How foolish I was....
"So I chose option three. Which turned out to be the worst mistake of my very long life, as you know." And the best of his life. Because of my mistake, I had left a permanent scar on me, not just Bella. Jacob Black hung over us like a rain cloud, refusing to go away. "I chose to take myself out of her world, hoping to force her into the first alternative. It didn't work, and it very nearly killed us both." I would never forgive myself for the rest of my...existence. Losing Bella over and over again, was horrible.
"What do I have left but the fourth option? It's what she wants—at least, she thinks she does. I've been trying to delay her, to give her time to find a reason to change her mind"—Bella had proved partially to me last night that she did have a reason—"but she's very...stubborn. You know that. I'll be lucky to stretch this out a few more months. She has a horror of getting older, and her birthday is in September...."
Jacob spoke as I trailed off. "I like option one." Of course he would. I would have too, in the beginning, at least. Now, I wanted option two...for her. For me, I wanted option four—and it was the most selfish thing I would ever do.
"You know exactly how much I hate to accept this," he continued gruffly, "but I can see that you do love her...in your way. I can't argue with that anymore."
If I hadn't been able to read his thoughts beforehand, I would have been stunned into shock. Maybe he was maturing mentally, too.
He spoke up again. "Given that, I don't think you should give up on the first alternative, not yet." Okay, scratch my previous thoughts. "I think there's a very good chance that she would be okay. After time. You know, if she hadn't jumped off a cliff in March...and if you'd waited another six months to check on her....Well, you might have found her reasonably happy." Jacob paused, letting that sink in. "I had a game plan," he whined.
A small laugh slipped out. "Maybe it would have worked," I allowed. "It was a well thought-out plan." I had to give Jacob his props. From his thoughts, it was evident that he would have won her over.
"Yeah." His cheerful smile faltered. "But...," he started whispering so fast he was tripping over his words, "give me a year, bl—Edward," he fixed. "I really think I could make her happy. She's stubborn, no one knows that better than I do, but she's capable of healing. She would have healed before." He spared a moment to shoot me a glare. "And she could be human, with Charlie and Renée, and she could grow up, and have kids and...be Bella."
Bella—round with a child, smiling. That thought was enough to make me moan, but I didn't. She could be human. If only I could be human for her. If only...if only....
"You love her enough that you have to see the advantages of that plan." I did. "She thinks you're very unselfish...are you really?" he challenged. "Can you consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are?"
"I have considered it. In some ways, you would be better suited for her than any other human. Bella takes some looking after, and you're strong enough that you could protect her from herself, and from everything that conspires against her." He had proved that to me by the perfect condition she was in—despite Victoria lurking around—when I had returned after six months. "You have done that already, and I'll owe you for that for as long as I live—forever—whichever comes first....
I paused for a minute, new words filling up in my head. "I even asked Alice if she could see that—see if Bella would be better off with you. She couldn't, of course. She can't see you, and then Bella's sure of her course, for now."
I just prayed she would stick to that course.
"But I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before, Jacob. I won't try to force her into that first option again. As long as she wants me, I'm here." I wouldn't break that promise. I never would—I owed it to her.
"And if she were to decide she wanted me?" Jacob cracked a smile sheepishly at me then. "Okay, it's a long shot, I'll give you that."
I had thought over this already. It was painful, but it was Bella. How could I not give her what she wanted? She had already given me everything I could ever want—ever. So if it was what she wanted, who was I to refuse her?
"I would let her go," I breathed. It was lost in the howling of the wind to human ears, but Jacob's werewolf hearing picked it up.
A look of incredulity was placed on his face. "Just like that?" he asked, disbelieving.
I nodded, a subtle movement that he just barely managed to catch. "In the sense that I'd never show her how hard it was for me, yes. But I would keep watch. You see, Jacob, you might leave her someday. Like Sam and Emily, you wouldn't have a choice. I would always be waiting in the wings, hoping for that to happen." Sam had left Leah. Jacob, seeing Sam's thoughts, should know by now he didn't have a chance if that were to happen. He never did.
"Well, you've been much more honest than I had any right to expect...Edward. Thanks for letting me in your head."
I snorted quietly. "As I said, I'm feeling oddly grateful for your presence in her life tonight. It was the least I could do....You know, Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you."
A smile on his face appeared then. "Maybe...if you weren't a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck out the life of the girl I love...well, no, not even then."
I covered my mouth to keep from laughing. Jacob Black had a strange sense of humor, but one nonetheless.
But in the back of my mind, there was a burning question. Bella was asleep, and apparently Jacob and I were in a truce for the night. It was my chance to ask it.
"Can I ask you something?" I voiced aloud, surprising him.
"Why would you have to ask?"
Oh, of course. Jacob didn't know the limitations of my power. "I can only hear if you think of it," I explained. "It's just a story that Bella seemed reluctant to tell me about the other day. Something about a third wife...?"
He nodded, his face turning serious as he thought over the legend. "What about it?"
The stories say that the Cold Woman was the most beautiful thing human eyes had ever seen. She looked like the goddess of dawn when she entered the village that morning; the sun was shining for once, and it glittered off her white skin and lit the golden hair that flowed down to her knees. Her face was magical in its beauty, her eyes black in her white face. Some fell to their knees to worship her.
She asked something in a high, piercing voice, in a language no on had ever heard. The people were dumb-founded, not knowing how to answer. There was none of Taha Aki's blood among the witnesses but one small boy. He clung to his mother and screamed that the smell was hurting his nose. One of the elders, on his way to council, heard the boy and realized what had come among them. He yelled for the people to run. She killed him first.
There were twenty witnesses to the Cold Woman's approach. Two survived, only because she grew distracted by the blood, and paused to sate her thirst. They ran to Taha Aki,who sat in counsel with the other elders, his sons, and his third wife.
Yaha Uta transformed into his spirit wolf as soon as he heard the news. He went to destroy the blood drinker alone. Taha Aki, his third wife, his sons, and his elders followed behind him.
At first they could not find the creature, only the evidence of her attack. Bodies lay broken, a few drained of blood, strewn across the road where she'd appeared. Then they heard the screams and hurried to the harbor.
A handful of Quileutes had run to the ships for refuge. She swam after them like a shark, and broke the bow of their boat with her incredible strength. When the ship sank, she caught those trying to swim away and broke them, too.
She saw the great wolf on the shore, and she forgot the fleeing swimmers. She swam so fast she was a blur and came, dripping and glorious, to stand before Yaha Uta. She pointed at him with one white finger and asked another incomprehensible question. Yaha Uta waited.
It was a close fight. She was not the warrior her mate had been. But Yaha Uta was alone—there was no one to distract her fury from him.
When Yaha Uta lost, Taha Aki screamed in defiance. He limped forward and shifted into an ancient, white-muzzled wolf. The wolf was old, but this was Taha Aki the Spirit Man, and his rage made him strong. The fight began again.
Taha Aki's third wife had just seen her son die before her. Now her husband fought, and she had no hope that he could win. She'd heard every word the witnesses to the slaughter had told the council. She'd heard the story of Yaha Uta's first victory, and knew that his brother's diversion had saved him.
The third wife grabbed a knife from the belt of one of the sons who stood beside her. They were all young sons, not yet men, and she knew they would die when their father failed.
The third wife ran toward the Cold Woman with the dagger raised high. The Cold Woman smiled, barely distracted from her fight with the old wolf. She had no fear of the weak human woman or the knife that would not even scratch her skin, and she was about to deliver the death blow to Taha Aki.
And then the third wife did something the Cold Woman did not expect. She fell to her knees at the blood drinker's feet and plunged the knife into her own heart.
Blood spurted through the third woman's fingers and splashed against the Cold Woman. The blood drinker could not resist the lure of the fresh blood leaving the third wife's body. Instinctively, she turned to the dying woman, for one second entirely consumed by thirst.
Taha Aki's teeth closed around her neck.
I hissed, a menacing sound in the darkness. Of course, the story would've given Bella ideas. Foolish ideas.
"What?" he yelped softly, surprised but demanding.
"Of course!" I shouted as hushed as possible, seething. "Of course!" I repeated. "I rather wish your elders had kept that story to themselves, Jacob."
His nose wrinkled up. "You don't like the leeches being painted as the bad guys?" he jeered. "You know, they are. Then and now."
"I really couldn't care less about that part. Can't you guess which character Bella would identify with?"
Jacob thought, and my impatience was rising. The dog was incompetent.
"Oh. Ugh." He understood now. Finally. "The third wife. Okay, I see your point."
I shook my head, angry and frustrated. For once, could she not put herself in the face of danger? When would she realize vampires and werewolves were perfectly capable of protecting themselves? "She wants to be there in the clearing. To do what little she can, as she puts it." I let out a sigh, rubbing my temples. "That was the secondary reason for me staying with her tomorrow. She's quite inventive when she wants something."
"You know, your military brother gave her the idea just as much as the story did," Jacob sneered.
Already weary, I needed another burden to deal with: the peacemaker. "Neither side meant any harm," I pointed out. Jasper didn't know, but it was true he gave her the idea. I would have to confront him about that later. But not now.
There was silence as yet another question spewed from Jacob's mouth. "And when does this little truce end? First light? Or do we wait until after the fight?"
I thought this over, considering it. It was already a struggle for me to be nice to the dog; I didn't want to be pushed over the limit.
"First light," I whispered just as he did. We laughed together.
I could tell he was getting tired. His eyelids drooped a little, but he was trying not to let it show. "Sleep well, Jacob. Enjoy the moment."
He looked gratefully at me before he closed his eyes. Unfortunately, the fantasies with my fiancée started up again. I groaned softly.
"I didn't mean that quite so literally," he clarified. Jacob's eyes widened, and his cheeks flushed red with embarrassment.
"Sorry," he mumbled, before perking back up again. "You could leave, you know—give us a little privacy."
I picked the 'us' part out with displeasure. "Would you like me to help you sleep, Jacob?" I growled under my breath.
"You could try," he said, doubtful. "It would be interesting to see who walked away, wouldn't it?" Yes, it would. Tempting, even.
"Don't tempt me too far, wolf. My patience isn't that perfect." In fact, it was barely 'patience' at all. It was self-control at the moment. Self-control that couldn't really be called 'self-control'. It was more of a 'I want to keep Bella happy so I won't rip your head off'.
A whisper of a laugh came from him. "I'd rather not move just now, if you don't mind." I tried to block out his thoughts, unsuccessfully.
Instead of putting up with them, I started humming Bella's lullaby, satisfied as her figure settled deeper and deeper into sleep.