Three Cullens in an elevator... A stuck elevator! DUN DUN DUUUN!!!
AN: This is our first fanfic! So please be nice and review! We will accept reviews from critical friends! Oh and we don't know where this is set, you can use your imagination! Woohoo!
Ping! Door opens!
Edward: So where are we gonna go?
Emmett: Hmm…I feel peckish.
Jasper: Dude, you can't eat, how can you feel peckish?
Emmett: Oh yeah…I forgot… No I am right! Jazzy, what craving do you think you've been HUNGERING after for after how many years! Blood! Which, after abstaining from it for a while, makes you feel a bit peckish! So I am right so I can feel peckish if I want to, there's no law against it is there Jazzy-Baby?!
Jasper: There might be…
Emmett: Where?
Jasper: You know…in that book! The one in that shop. In that town. In that city. Come on, Edward you must remember. We had lots of fun that night.
Emmett: Which book? Which shop? Which town? Which city? What fun? Tell me, tell me, TELL ME!
Door pings shut as they walk in!
Emmett and Jasper argue about the who has the right to feel peckish or not and Emmett insists on doing something about V.R.D
Edward: Emmett!! Give it a rest, what the heck does V.R.D stand for anyway?
Jasper: Oooh! I know I know! Very Red Décor!
Edward: What?
Emmett: Where the HECK did you get that from Jazzzzzzy?! Anyway it means Vamps rule... umm... daisies.
Jasper looks innocently behind Emmett and points to a poster.
Jasper: It was on that Laura Ashley ad thingy behind you.
Emmett: Phew!! I thought for a second you were gay! It honestly sounded more like something Edward would say. You know, all girly and stuff.
Jasper: Just cause I can talk about emotions and not get embarrassed about them doesn't mean you can pick on my so called 'sexuality'!
Emmett nods at Edward and leans against the elevator wall casually whistling to himself, as if he had just made a friendly comment about the weather or something.
Edward: What?!?!
Jasper crosses his arms laughing and leans against the wall too.
Edward: Are you implying that I'm gay??
Emmett: Ummmm…yeah! Oh and by the way, I don't imply- I know!
Jasper: No, I know. I'm the Emo Empath Vampire.
Emmett: True Dat, Jazzy, True Dat. Emmett puts on his cap and acts 'gangster'
Edward: Well, excuse me, but have you forgotten that I am probably going to marry the love of my life, Bella, anytime soon? Just because I'm saving myself for someone special does not mean that I am gay!
Emmett: No, it means that you a prude! Maybe you're in denial, you never know. Maybe you are just marrying Bella because you want to...Emmett coughs...with Jacob. Jazzy, can you imagine what the kids would look like?
Silence.
The silence only lasts for 5 seconds until Jasper starts humming along to a song they can hear through the elevator speakers.
Emmett: How long does it take for this elevator to get to the bottom anyway?
Edward shrugs his shoulders, still a bit miffed because Emmett called him gay.. .and in denial when he obviously is NOT.
Emmett: Get over it Eddy-poo! But seriously, when is this elevator stopping? I'm boreeddddddd!
Jasper: How long has it been?
Edward: I dunno, a minute? I don't have my watch on me.
Jasper: Me neither, Alice said that they're unfashionable- is that true? Damn, I do act camp. Bugger!
Emmett: Oh my Carlisle, why is it taking so long? Do you think we're stuck? What will happen? D'you reckon we should just pull the door open and see what happens? Or maybe we should ring 911? Or do you think we should yell? Is there a panic button or something I can press! I'm claustrophobic!
Emmett is having a panic attack. Or something similar or a panic attack.
Edward: *ignoring Emmett* I dunno Jasper; I think Alice may have been lying to you but then again, I always have my watch. I'm not sure why I forgot to put it on today…
Emmett: Maybe someone would hear us? Maybe we'll be stuck in here forever. Maybe there'll be an avalanche and the whole building will be trapped with snow and everyone will escape except for us and then we'll be in here forever and we'll die without any TV or football and then… Will we have to resort to eat each other? Well, not eat, but you know what I mean! If we die I want you to know I love you guys and that I couldn't have met a better pair of gays in my entire life!
Emmett babbles on while Edward tries to speak loudly over Emmett's voice.
Edward: Jasper!! Calm Emmett down with your calming thingy quick!!
Jasper: Ok, I'll try, but Emmett has a point…what if we are stuck in here? It has been quite a long time you know…
Edward: DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!
Emmett: AVALANCHE YOU GUYS!! Aren't you worried? Anything could happen!
Edward: What the heck?! Emmett, you idiot, how can we be buried because of an avalanche, if there is no snow here in the first place?
Emmett: You're a meanie Edward; I wish Bella could see you now! And anyway, you never know. The weather here is UNPREDICTABLE!! Ha!
Emmett tries to show Edward how 'unpredictable' the weather is by waving his arms around in circles and making 'oooooo' noises as well as 'whoosh' and 'pitter-patter'.
Jasper: Its true, you know the other day I heard that there was a tornado in Toronto and this dude…
Edward: GUYS! Can you just stop talking for one second?! I can't hear myself think. Well, no more than usual.
Emmett and Jasper stop talking and look at Edward.
Edward: Thank you! Well it's actually taking way too much time to get the ground floor, I think something is wrong.
Emmett: Well done for stating the obvious Eddy-poo! Would you like a certificate for that? Would you like a gold star?
Edward: Ha ha very funny! No but seriously, I don't think we're moving. At All. Or ever were, for that matter.
Jasper: Yeah! It feels as if we've stopped.
Emmett: I only have one word to say.
Jasper: What?
Edward: Don't say it Emmett…
Edward can read Emmett's mind so he knows what he's gonna say, but he can't stand trying to explain to Emmett again about why what he's about to say is completely irrelevant…
Emmett: Ooh I'm gonna…
Edward: no…
Emmett: I'm gonna…
Edward: No Emmett…
Jasper: Ooh Ooh, I love this game! I think your thinking of…a twig! I know you feel...worried....that the twigs might eat you!
Emmett: What? No Jazzzzy you got it all wrong… I meant to say…AVEL-LANCHE!
Edward sighs and gives up, crossing his arms with his head down...
Jasper: Ok come on guys, what if we really are stuck? I'm not joking.
Edward: Well what should we do?
Emmett: I know, I know!! I'll try and punch the door open. Stand back.
Edward: No wait Emmett no…
Emmett attempts to run up to the elevator, which doesn't work because there is only a distance of 1 yard between himself and the door, and then makes a huge dent into the metal about the size of a large potato, but his fist remains pale and scratch less.
Edward: I told you so!
Jasper: Ooooh you dented the door!! Too bad it didn't open. I can't believe that I'd come across the day when Emmett couldn't do something using physical strength!
Emmett: No… No. Noo! We really are stuck in here!! What are we gonna do?!
Edward: well punching ourselves out didn't work. . . Oh no! My poor Bella! She's going to be stuck with that Evil Pixie and Blondie doing the thing she hates most ... shopping!!! She probably need saving right now but I can't save her because I am stuck here, in this elevator, with you jerks!!! I'm supposed to b e her knight shining armour!
Jasper: *sniff* Emmett's right you are a meanie! WHY DO YOU *sniff* HATE ME???!!! *sniff*
Edward: Emmett ... stop sending Jasper depressed waves! He's bad enough without becoming even MORE emo!
Emmett: NO! I can send him any emotions I want! I'm so depressed at the moment because I know soon we are going to die *sniff*. I want to keeeelllll myself!
Edward: We can't die you dumbass! We are Vamps. That means immortal. Duh!
Emmett: Wow! Jasper was right when he said I was right, you are a meanie! In fact you're a smelly meanie! No! You're a smelly, UGLY meanie.
Edward: Oh Emmett, I am soooo sorry! It's just that I am stressed about my Bella! I didn't mean to say those things.
Emmett: Don't worry about it Eddy, I forgive you! Hugs? *moves towards Eddy with his arms outstretched*
Edward: Yay! Hu- What the hell Jasper! Are you sending us love waves? STOP IT!
Jasper:*whistles innocently* OMC!!! Have you heard the song that's playing? Are we human or are we VAMPIRES? My sign is vital, my HANDS ARE COLD. And I'm on my knees looking for the answer. Are we human or are we VAMPIRES? OH NO!!!!!!!!!!! The Killers are on to us! They know we are vampires! Run!
Jasper tries to run around in the small confined space of the elevator but as you can probably guess it doesn't work
Edward: Wow! Looks like anger plus depression equals paranoia!
Jasper: No listen Eddy! They really do say vampire!
Edward: No Jasper, the line is, 'Are we human? Or are we dancer?'
Emmett: Ah but you are both clearly mistaken, little bro...and older bro! For the line is, 'Are we human? Or are we denser?'
Edward: Dancer, Emmett, dancer! With an A!
Emmett: Denser, Eddie, denser! With an E!
Edward: Dancer!!!
Emmett: Denser!!!
Edward: DANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!
Emmett: DENSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Edward: SHUT UP EMMETT! IT'S DANCER!!!!!!!!!
Emmett: SHUT UP EDWARD! IT'S DENSER!!!!!!!!!!!
Jasper: SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!!! FROM NOW ON IT'S DENSER DANCERS, OK?!
Edward: Wow Jazzy! Take a chill pill! You have no sense of humour! *pouts*
Emmett: Yeah dude, calm down.
Edward: I really hate that about you, you know! You spend all your time trying to control other people's emotions, and you don't even try to control your own! That is just so annoying! That's just...you hypocrite.
Jasper: You guys are very emotional, Emmett is like a two year old-
Emmett: Why thank you Jazzy! *smiles like a maniac*
Jasper: ...and you are like a PMSing Male Vampire!!!-
Edward: I'm offended! *pouts even more, looking vaguely like a girl*
Jasper: IT'S JUST SO HARD!!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTNAD ME! NO ONE DOES. ONLY MY ALICE! AND SHE GONE! FAR AWAY! I MISS HER! *curls up in the foetal position and starts crying*
Emmett: Wow! That was weird! Hmmm... Eddy, I never knew vampires could cry.
Edward: They can't Emmett, we can only dry sob. Sad really.
Emmett: But then, why does Jasper have water flowing down his cheeks? *Gets some moisture of Jasper's cheek* See!
Edward: O K. Now i'm comfuzzled.
Emmett: I'm depressed.
Edward: I'm angry.
Emmett: I miss Rose.
Jasper: *from the floor* I'm not gay!
Edward: I miss Be- EWW Dude! Mental pictures, mind reading Vamp brother here!
Emmett: Oh... sorry *hehe* Just thinking about last night...yum!
Edward: Now i'm disgusted.
Emmett: LOL! I apologize.
Edward: Did you seriously just say 'lol'? I'm ashamed of you dude...Only chavs say 'LOL' in everyday conversation!
Emmett: Now I'm upset...
Edward: What's new?
Jasper: All these emotions... I just... can't... handle it! *faints*
Emmett: Whoa, dude! Did Jasper just faint?
Edward: Yes Emmett, I believe he did.
Emmett: But, I thought Vampires can't faint.
Edward: They can't Emmett.
Emmett: But then, why did Jasper faint?
Edward: How the hell am I supposed to know?! Maybe he is being GAY and is acting like a drama QUEEN!
Emmett: Well you know everything...
Edward: Shut up, Emmett, I do not know everything!
Emmett: HA! So you admit it! I knew that when you made comments about my intelligence it was only to cover up your own idiotness!
Edward: Idiotness isn't a word Emmett!
Emmett: Don't worry Eddy; I still think you're smart.
Edward: Shut up Emmett!
Emmett: Fine! *pulls a sad face and wishes Jazzy was awake so he could annoy him*
They stand in silence for a few minutes until...
Emmett: ARGH!!! Help me Edward! The walls are closing in! They are trying to trap me in here!
Edward: Wow Emmett, I never knew you were claustrophobic.
Emmett: I'm not.
Edward: Then why on earth were you screaming like a little girl?!
Emmett: I was bored...and thought I would use this time to find my inner girl.
Edward: Whatever Emmett...
Emmett: Hey Eddie, EDDIE!
Edward: WHAT EMMETT?????!!!!!
Emmett: I bet you never knew the word for the fear of long words was Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia! Say that backwards!
Edward: Umm okay, that was random…
Emmett: Yeah I know!
Edward: Shut up Emmett
Emmett: *hanging his head in shame* Okay Edward…can you try to stop putting me down all the time? I read that it is a form of abuse! Why do you want to abuse me? Why, Eddie, why? When all I do is love and support you. And give you some tips for the bedroom. *Emmett winks*
They stand in silence for a few more minutes before Emmett gets out his phone and starts playing a game of tetris
Edward: WHAT THE HELL EMMETT!!!!!
Emmett: WHAT EDWARD? WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Edward: *pinching the bridge of his nose, he speaks through clenched teeth* You had your phone all that time and you didn't tell anyone?
Emmett: Yes, but I didn't think you would be interested in it. . .
Edward: *still talking through clenched teeth* Why ever not Emmett?
Emmett: Well, it's just a phone everyone has one.
Edward: *finally loses control* WELL DIDN'T YOU THINK THAT MAYBE IF WE CALLED SOMEONE WE COULD POSSIBLY GET OUT THIS ELEVATOR??????!!!!!!!!!!
Emmett: Jeez Eddy, calm down, I see you keep your anger bottled up you need to let it out, *shaking his head* You're as bad a Jasper. You're hidden anger is what caused him to faint! It's all your fault!
Edward: JUST ANSWER THE BLOODY QUESTION!!!!
Emmett: Excuse me! If you're so clever why didn't you use your own phone? Hmm? HMM?
Edward: Alice took mine and Jasper's phone for your information. In fact you were standing right there when she took them!
Emmett: *pouting* Well, I'm sorry then... *cheering up again* Who should I phone?
Edward: Carlisle, he'll know what to do. Oh and Emmett...
Emmett: Yes Eddy?
Edward: Maybe I should phone him...
Emmett: NO!!!!! I WANT TO PHONE DADDY!!!!!
Edward: Calm down, Emmett! Fine you do it then...
Emmett: YAY!!! *rings Carlisle*
Carlisle: Hello, this is Dr Carlisle Cullen speaking, how may I help you?
Emmett: DADDY!
Carlisle: *sighing* What now Emmett? I told you not to phone unless there was an emergency? Or if Alice had maxed out her credit cards.
Emmett: Well... Me, Eddy and Jazzy-
Carlisle: Eddy, Jazzy and I, Emmett.
Emmett: Whatever! Now where was I?
Carlisle: *sighing again* Me, Eddy and Jazzy...
Emmett: Oh yeah! Well, we're stuck in an elevator, Jazzy was crying, then he fainted. Edward yelled at me, the Killers are onto us, the fear for long words is Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia and, and, and…
Carlisle: Emmett McCarty Cullen! What did I tell you about prank calling me at work! ONLY EMERGANCIES!
Emmett: But, but I'm not ly- *Carlisle hangs up* He hung up on me! How rude!
Edward: Oh great Emmett, just great! Now he won't pick up the phone again! I mean what were you thinking; 'Jasper fainted' obviously he's going to think it's a prank call. You never think do you? Now how are we going to get out of here?! OMC!!! I completely forgot about My Bella! I'll never get to see her again! Oh No! I've forgotten what she looks like already, BEEELLLLLAAAA!!!- *he continues ranting on about Bella*
Meanwhile…
Emmett: Jasper! JASPER!!!! GET UP YOU LAZY SOD! EDWARD'S HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND I NEED SOME HELP!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT IN TOUCH WITH MY EMOTIONS...or his....LIKE YOU ARE!!!
Jasper: Wha-… What happened?
Emmett: You fainted, but I really need you to calm down Edward now!
Jasper: I'm on it! *he controls Edward's emotions*
Edward: *A dreamy look comes across his face then…* WOW!!! WE'RE IN A SPACESHIP!!!!
Edward starts singing 'Spaceman' by the Killers
Emmett: Not them again!
Jasper: I kind of had to add in a bit of crazy while I was trying to calm him down. He was really upset…
Edward: Where are we going? Are we going to the moon? ARE WE?!!! We're going to meet the man in the moon?!
Emmett: Umm… Yeah?
Edward: COOL!!! Soooo… What's the moon number?
Jasper: Come again?
Edward: Durr, you silly! The number you have to type into these buttons to get to the moon!
Emmett: The… buttons? OMC!!! Jasper did you press the button for the floor?
Jasper: Ummm… No! Edward always does it…
Emmett: Edward?
Edward: *saluting him* Yes sir dude man vamp dude sir?
Emmett: Did you press the button when we got it?
Edward: No dummy! Why would I ask for the moon number if I already typed it in? Anyway, you told me you wanted to press the button for once…
Emmett: Shoot! I didn't press the button!
Jasper: YOU IDIOT!!!
Edward: Hehe! Guys, GUYS!
Jasper and Emmett: WHAT?!
Edward: You know that guy in the Volturi? I just realized that he's a CAMP VAMP!!!! LSMIH!!! (Laughing so much it hurts) IT RHYMES!!!!!!!!!
Jasper: Whatever Edward… Now Emmett?
Emmett: Yes, Jazzy dear?
Jasper: WILL YOU PRESS THE BLOODY BUTTON ALREADY SO WE CAN GET OUT OF THIS TIN CAN?!?!
Emmett: Can do Jasper! *presses the button*
The elevator slowly travels downwards. When the doors open a pinging sound is heard. They all run out of the elevator [oh and btw Jasper has stopped controlling Eddy's emotions].
Edward: *pushing Emmett to get out the elevator first* Bella? BELLA?! I'm coming to save you from the Evil Pixie and her sidekick, Blondie. Don't worry Bella, I'm coming to get you!!!!!!!!! *runs away trying to find Bella*
Emmett: Yes! We're finally out of that stupid elevator! I can see a TV!!!! YESSSSS!!!! I can feel the floor!!! *falls to the ground and starts kissing the floor*
Jasper: *in a superman pose* To the chippy! *Goes to find the local chippy, which you can only find in England to buy some chippy chips*
Emmett: Where'd everyone go... *slightly delayed reaction* YEAH JAZZY, WHO WAS THE ONE WHO SAID VAMPIRES CAN'T EAT? IT WAS YOU!!! SO YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE BY GOING OF TO THE CHIPPY!!!! NOOOO, I WAS JUST KIDDING!! WAIT FOR ME! I WAN'T TO COME TOOOOOO! *runs after Jasper, singing the Batman theme tune* I WANT TO BE ROBIN! WAIT...NO....HE'S Gay! YOU BE ROBIN. I'LL BE BATMAN!
Emmett: Dun ner ner ner ner ner ner ner, ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner... BATMAN!!!!
The End!