Suikoden II
The longest day
by Rufus J SHinra
Note: The name of my Hero was Kenji so henceforth he will be called this in the fanfic,my army was the Namagari army and the castle was Inabyama castle. Oh yeah....and offenseve launguage is ahead. This should at least be rated R. And I give copyright to the charachter Snuggly Funnypants to my friend Xyra.
****
Part 1: Porn for kids
It was a dark and stormy day in Highland. Prince Luca Blight and his henchmen Culgan and Seed sat around a table discussing something...evil.
"First of all the peasnts aren't paying thier taxes." Culgan started. Luca foamed at the mouth and started barking weirdly.
"KILL THOSE PIGS!" Luca screamed and went quiet. Culgan sweatdropped and went on.
"The army is out of rations..." Culgan continued. Luca went angry again.
"I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK!" Luca screamed and drew his sword. He chopped the table in half and stormed out. Seed sweatdropped.
"Well....ummm...who wants donuts?" The high ranking General asked. Culgan sighed and sat down. The chair broke.
"DAMMIT!" Culgan screamed and stormed out. Seed sighed and went back to his porno stash...no one must ever know.
(Inabyama castle)
Flik waited in line for the bathroom. He had to go real bad.
"Shu hurry up!" Flik yelled.
"Silence! I'm figuring out a stratagy to zip up my pants without slicing my dingy." Shu said.
"How far along are you?" Flik asked his eyeballs almost bulging out.
"Give me...10 hours." Shu said. Flik groaned and ran out. The only bathroom left was Lord Kenji's personal one. Flik went up the elevator and went into Kenji's room. He opened up the door to find Ellie there setting up cameras.
"What the hell are you doing?" Flik asked. Ellie turned red.
"Ummm....errmmm....these cameras are for Lord Kenji's ummmm....SECURITY!" Ellie said. Flik groaned.
"Yeah whatever. I need to take a shit!" Flik said and booted Ellie out of the room. Ellie fell on her ass as the door slammed in her face.
"The nerve of some people...oh well. Better find Kenji..." Ellie said and darted off.
"Ahhhh....." Flik said and exited the bathroom. He walked out the door and tripped on Ellie.
"OW!" Ellie said as she fell down on her ass again.
"Sorry Ellie." Flik said and went downstairs. Ellie turned red with anger.
"That was the last straw...I SHALL HAVE REVENGE!!!!!WAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!" Ellie roared. She got up and tripped onto the stone floor of the castle.
"Curse you Flik." Ellie said and left. As she left McDohl the orginal Suikoden hero (And the cooler one) came into Kenji's room. He joined the Namagari army but was used to being in charge.
"Oh Mr. Kenji thinks he's better then me and-HEY I CAN TALK! NOW THAT I'M NO LONGER THE HERO I CAN TALK! LA! LA! LA! NO MORE OF THIS KIND OF TALKING:
1.Yes
2. No
JUST GOOD OLD FASHIONED TALKING!" McDohl said and ran out of the room happily bumping into Kenji (Who can talk in this fanfic)
"Watch it McDohl!" Kenji said and went into his room and into the bathroom.
(Ellie's secret room)
"Camera #1 is pinpointed on Lord Kenji, Lady Ellie." a solider said. Ellie sccoted onto the chair with popcorn in her hand.
"He's gonna take a shower..." Ellie thought. She knew what she had to do. She ran downstairs and got into the shower and took her clothes off before Kenji could see her. Kenji steped into the shower and gasped.
"E-Ellie..." He said and turned red. Ellie smiled. "Come on my love..." She said. Kenji gasped.
"Wha....wha...OH WHY NOT? I LOVE YOU TOO! LET'S DO IT!" He said and closed the shower curtain. Oh and just so you know...the castle was kept up all last night from their...training exercise.
(L'Renioulle)
"I've got it!" Luca screamed. Leon lifted his newspaper.
"What is it you highness?" He asked. Luca laughed.
"I shall corrupt young minds! I shall begin...THE PORN FOR KIDS CAMPAGIN!" Luca laughed. Leon groaned.
"Okay Mr. Silverburg, broadcast this commercial for my new campagin." Luca said. Leon groaned again and got to work.
(Inabyama castle)
McDohl turned on the t.v. Weird background music started playing and then some singers started singing.
"Porn for kids,Porn for kids,we want porn for kids!" They sang. McDohl switched the T.V. off.
"Who could of thought of a commercial like that?" McDohl said and walked through the castle doors. Outside in the garden Yoshino was washing laundry.
"Hey McDohl, check out Lord Kenji's sheets." Yoshino said. McDohl noticed that they were splashed with sticky white stuff.
"Did he spill some glue?" McDohl asked. Yoshino smacked her head.
"No moron. Miss Eilie payed him a visit." Yoshino said. McDohl had a strange look on his face.
"Did SHE spill some glue?" McDohl asked.
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT SEX IS?" Yoshino asked. McDohl shook his head.
"Okay...the penis goes into the-" Yoshino started but was cut off.
"THE PENIS? I GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH THAT THING!" McDohl said and ran off.
(Flik's room)
"Ahhhh...rest." Flik said. He looked at his dresser. There was a ticking box from Ellie.
"Wow...she must have sent me a gift. Probably a watch...but I don't need one." Flik said. He went to Clive's room. Clive as normal was questioning everyone about Elza. Right now he was holding a wounded Namagari army solider by the shirt.
"Where is Elza?" Clive demanded.
"Who? You just went into the infirmary and grabbed me out of my bed!" The solider said.
"Don't play coy with me! I know your a spy!" Clive said.
"WHAT? I'M JUST A SOLIDER WHO GOT WOUNDED! JUST LIKE HOW THAT CABINET OVER THERE IS JUST A CABINET!" The solider said. Clive dropped the solider and faced the shelf.
"What do YOU know about Elza?" Clive asked the cabinet. Obviously nothing happpened.
"Oh the silent approach eh?" Clive said and kicked the cabinet. The cabinet fell on Clive and Clive got up.
"You've won this round! DAMN! I'LL NEVER FIND ELZA!" Clive said as Elza entred the room.
"Are you Elza?" CLive questioned. Elza looked around.
"Ummm....no." Elza said.
"Okay." Clive said and saw Flik.
"WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ELZA!" He screamed and Flik gave the box to him.
"I don't want it. You can have it." Flik said. Clive tore open the paper and revealed a bomb.
"Tell me everything you know..." Clive said to the bomb. Nothing.
"So...you think it is amusing how you flash the word ARMED and a bunch of numbers in my face?" Clive said. The countdown ended.
"Oh! Out of numbers eh? Now you can tell me...wait what was that *bing* noise? Did someone cast a rune spell or....uh-oh." Clive said.
(Kenji's room)
Kenji looked out the window toward the barracks. A huge explosion miles high erupted.
"I can just swear I saw Clive screaming on top of that explosion...must have been my imagination." Kenji said and went back to sleep.
(Bath house)
The explosion shook the castle. Rina fell straight out the drum can baths (The player was too lazy to upgrade even though the castle was at level 4) and screamed as Clive came screaming down and fell into the bath tub.
"CURSE YOU ELZA!" Clive said shaking his fist. Rina screamed and covered up. Just as soon as that happened Luc came in with his priceless imported Japanese X-box. He screamed as he saw Rina and Clive together in the tub and he aciidently threw the evil console into the bath.(Mwahahaha...)It sizzled and a bunch of scary demons flew out of the conslole before it died in agony.
"NNNNOOOOO!!!!!!!" Luc cried. Clive peered down and creamed. The X-box came back to life and was strangling him with it's wires.
"BUY MEEEEE....I AM THE #1 GAMING CONSOLE...." The X-box said.
"Shouldn't you be saying #1 in Japanese since your imported?" Clive asked.
"ICIBAN CONSOLE....ICHIBAN CONSOLE..." The X-box said in Japanese and switched back to english.
"COME MY SERVANTS!" The X-box said. Rina looked in fright. Emerging from the tub came zombie remains of the 32X, the Sega Saturn and the Sega Master System.
"GET THEM EVILIST OF GAMING!" The X-box commanded. Clive shot the Sega Saturn but it rejuvinated.
"Give me...RAM..." It said. CLive shot it with a holy bullet and it fizzed out. He soon took them all down. He gazed at the X-box and shot the Holiest of bullets in the X-box. It fizzed and died.
And just like Samonosuke from Onimusha Clive said some immortal words,
"SILENCE DEMON! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO BACK TO THE UNDERWORLD!" Clive said and shouldered his gun and walked out. Luc stared at Rina.
"So...." Luc said and Rina slapped him...hard....mwhahaha...that's what you get Luc for buying the system E3 gave a C+ rating.
Part 2: Snuggly Funnypants
(Luca Blight's room)
"Okay...the Porn for Kids campaign is at a peak of...destruction." Leon said. Luca screamed.
"How could my plan fail?" Luca asked. Leon looked at him.
"Anyways the group "Mother's against Luca Blight" are here." Leon said. The door burst down and dozens of angry mothers with pitchforks and torches.
"KILL HIM!!!!" They cried. Some Highland soliders drew thier swords...but since Highland soliders suck ass (C'mon they were beat by Youth Brigade cadets at Level 2) they were soon destroyed. Luca jumped out the window and onto a chariot. He sped off laughing....until he hit a stone and flew into a 200-foot canyon.....silly Luca.
(200-foot canyon)
Culgan and Seed went down the canyon to find (They hoped) the dead body of Luca Blight. Unfortunantly he was alive.
"Did I lose them?" Luca asked. His armor was torn and he had blood gushing on his knee.
"Oh Lord Luca...maybe you should put a bandaid on that..." A Highland solider said.
"AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD DIE!" Luca said and ran him through with his sword, raised high up in the airand flung the dead solider off the blade. Luca climbed up to the top of the cliff his knee still squirting blood everywhere. From the cliff he could see the Jowston Leauge of City States.
"H! HA! HA! SOON I SHALL UNLESASH THE ULTIMANTE TERROR! THE ULTIMANTE EVIL CREATURE XERXES!!!!" Luca cried and and took a breath again.
Here's a proflile on Xerxes:
Name: Xerxes
A.K.A: Snuggly Funnypants
Occupation: Ultimante evil/convinent store clerk
Done with profile
"HA! HA! HA! THE POWER OF SNUGGLY FUNNYPANTS SHALL BE RELEASED!" Luca said. Xerxes (or Snuggly funnypants) emerged of a void of pure evil.
"GO!" Luca said. Xerxes nodded and headed towards Muse City.
(Muse City)
Jess was working as his job as mayor. It was a happy job. It made him happy...but only because he was on riddilan...but everyone else was happy. It was indeed a happy day in Muse as the civilians all liked each other...
Author's note: Man I hate peacefulness...I can't wait till Xer-errr...snuggly funnypants destroy's this place with his evilness."
People were laughing merrily...then Flitcher came into Jess's office and a swirling void came out.
"AHHH! WHAT"S THAT?" Jess screamed. Flitcher dipped his finger into the void and tasted it.
"It seems to be a void of pure evil coming from your room." Flitcher said.
"I AM XERXES!" A voice boomed and he showed his true form...a everyday looking man dressed in a bowl hat and a brown suit.
"I AM SNUGGLY FUNNYPANTS! FEAR ME!" Snuggly Funnypants boomed. Jess laughed.
"Snuggly Funnypants? HA! HA! HA!." Jess laughed...and was hit by a dark wave of...you guessed it...pure evil.
"He's made up of a lot of pure evil...he has an almost higher rating than Satan or Adolf Hitler!" Flitcher said. Snuggly Funnypants drew closer.
"Surrender!" He cried. Jess ran away screaming. Snuggly Funnypants rose to the top of of Muse city.
"DIE YOU LITTLE GOODIE-GOODIE FUCKS!" Snuggly Funnypants roared and out of his briefcase came a large bolt of pure evil that consumed Muse city....mwahahaha...dumbasses.
(Inabyama Castle)
Kenji bit into his toast with butter. It tasted good. A knock came at the door. McDohl stood there.
"IT'S TERRIBLE KENJI! MUSE HAS BEEN CONSUMED BY PURE EVIL!" McDohl said. Kenji bit into his toast again.
"Hello! I'm eating come at another time with some IMPORTANT information!." Kenji said and Viktor entered the room.
"Hey Kenji! I lost my rubber ducky!" Viktor said. Kenji stood.
"I will not tolerate this injustice! I will find it!" Kenji leaped up, grabbed his Tonfa's and ran out of the room. McDohl sighed.
"Well I'll take care of it myself! AWAY!" McDohl said and ran out of the door. He stopped dead in his tracks. Kenji and all the other's were being sucked into a void of pure evil (God I love saying that) and they sure as hell didn't like it.
"I AM XERXES....a.k.a. Snuggly Funnypants." Snuggly Funnypants said. Evryone laughed and Snuggly Funnypants shot pure evil at them. They all screamed.
"DIE!" Snuggly Funnypants said. He shot more pure evil at them. McDohl used the Soul Eater rune against him but like most villans the spell had no effect on them somehow.
"WE MUST DEFEAT HIM WITH THE POWER OF GOODNESS!' Flik said and drew his sword.
"I am Flik of the Blue Lightning! And I will-AHHH!" Flik said as Snuggly Funnypants blasted him out the window and Flik flew thousands of feet up in the air like how anime charachters do.
"SAKAGURU!" Gantestsu said creaming words that sounded Japanese to sound cool. He met a fate simmaler to Flik's. Soon all the 108 stars of destiny...(and McDohl cause he isn't a star just a hidden charachter) were knocked out and Snuggly Funnypants stood truimphant! All of a sudden Mukumuku flew up and killed him. Everyone gasped.
"HOW THE HELL OUT OF ALL OF US DID MUKUMUKU WIN?" They cried. A smoking gun was in the flying squrril's hand.
"OH!" They realized looking at the rather large bullet-hole in Snuggly Funnypants's head.
"Well ummm...who want's pretzels?" Kenji asked.
Part 3: X-box strikes back
(Luca Blight's room)
"DAMMIT! Okay who woulkd like to lead a strike on Inabyama castle?" Luca asked. He looked at Culgan and Seed who backed away.
"Ummm...what about you Jowy?" Luca asked. Jowy shook his head.
"No fuckin' way." he said. He looked at Sasari.
"What about you?" He asked. Sasari looked worried.
"Ummm...I think I left my oven on back at Harmonia." Sasari said and ran out. Rowd nodded.
"Yeah...I left his oven on too..." He said and ran out. Luca turned to his last general.
"Yuber?: He asked. Yuber instantly teleported back to where he came from.
"I will help you...." A voice said. Luca turned around and a small video game console was there.
"They call me X-box...I shall destroy the Namagari army." X-box said. Luca nodded.
"See that you do." He said.
(Inabyama castle)
Luc was tending the garden when a familliar black box appeared. He was happy.
"OH YOU ARE BACK-AHHHH!!!!" Luc screamed as the X-box stuck it's wires of evilness into him and possesed him.
"Take me to Lord Kenji's room." X-box demanded.
"Yes your evilness..." Luc said in a robotic voice. They went through the halls where they found Clive harrasing an old lady.
"TELL ME ABOUT ELZA!" He screamed holding the old lady by the shirt.
"HELP ME! I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET SOME FOOD AND THIS PSYCHO GRABBED ME!" The old lady screamed. Luc walked in.
"Get out of here!" Clive bellowed. The possesed Luc picked Clive up and tossed him out the window into the moat. The old lady got up.
"Thank you-ahhhh!" sHe screamed as Luc picked her up and threw her out the window.
"Murder...death....kill..." Luc said. He saw Flik and Viktor who were arguing.
"No! Yaoi fanfictions aren't good!" Viktor bellowed. Flik looked angry.
"It's a way of expressing yourself!" Flik argued. Viktor laughed.
"Yeah...in man-man sex scenes which you probably get horny off of!" Viktor said. Before Flik had the chance to hack Viktor's head off Luc and bonked them into each other so he technically saved Viktor's life.
"Kill...Lord....Kenji." Luc said to the guards guarding Kenji's room.
"Okay you may proceed." the guards, who had the intellgiance of a half-retarded lab rat. Kenji waswith Ellie in her underwear as Luc walked in.
"Hey were trying to have some personal-AHHH! X-BOX!" Ellie said and threw a knife at it hitting it off Luc.
"DAMN! YOU MUST DIE!" X-box yelled and starting shocking Kenji with it's cables.
"AHHHHHH!!!!!" Kenji screamed and a beat-up Clive came in.
"DEMON! I'LL SEND YOU BACK TO THE UNDERWORLD!" Clive said and fired at it. It didn't do crap and X-box continued to shock Kenji. Just before the leader of the Namagari army was toast Flik and Viktor came in fighting each other.
"IT'S EXPRESSING YOURSELF!" Flik yelled.
"IT'S JUST AN EXCUSE TO HAVE MEN HAVING SEX IN WRITING!" Viktotr said. Flik kicked him and Viktor fell over...onto the X-box crushing flat.
"NNOOOOO!!!! I AM THE NUMBER ONE....BZZZZZT!" It cried and died.
A Solider then carried in Luca Blight.
"So I tried to destroy you. So sue me." Luca said.
Narrator: SO THEY DID
THE END
PLEASE REVIEW BUT DON'T FLAME! I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY....BUT MAYBE IT WAS JUST PLAIN WEIRD...WELL IT'S UP TO YOUR TASTES I GUESS....