She stood in the cold, her hands tucked away in her pockets. For the longest time she merely stood there, looking at my house. It seemed as though she wanted to go up to the door and knock on it, as though she wanted to come in. A part of me desperately wanted her to do so. A part of me desperately wanted her here, with me.
I left the window, grabbing a bottle of alcohol before sitting in my chair. Katniss didn't see me, and I didn't want her to. I didn't want her to see the way I was looking at her, for all of my true feelings toward her would be revealed. It had been a year since everything. She and I came back to District 12, living in our own houses, by ourselves. Her 'lover', Peeta, stayed in the Capitol. Her 'friend', Gale, left for District 2. Her mother, too pained by her youngest daughter's death, moved to District 4. Now it was only Katniss. And me.
I remember my first time meeting her. Her feistiness and determination struck me from the beginning. Her beauty blinded me every day we were together. I so badly wanted her to come out of the Games alive. I wanted to see her, for years to come. When she was reaped a second time, my heart broke. I felt dead inside. I had no idea how I could live without seeing her alive again. She ended up coming out alive. But nothing between us changed. To her, I was the sad drunk, wasting my life away. She would never see me as I saw her.
The first few months back in District 12 were terrible. I could hear her cries and screams in the night. I knew it was because of her sister. She would forget to feed herself. Greasy Sae had to come over to her house quite often to feed her in those first few months. When she would speak to me, it would not be in her voice that was full of life. It was a sad, dead voice. I felt like she was dead herself, as though I really did lose her in the Games.
I tried comforting her in any way I could. I would spend time with her every once in a while, since she was all I had, and I her. Over the past months, she progressed. Her cries and screams in the middle of the night stopped. She began to regularly feed herself again. Her voice seemed to be rising from the dead. But she was still depressed.
We hadn't been around each other in a while, and I don't know why. Could it be because we are both scared of revealing our true feelings towards each other? I quietly laughed to myself. Katniss would never feel that way about me, no matter how desperately I wish she would. I wish she would knock on the door.
During the first Games, I slightly regretted telling her and Peeta to have a fake romance for the cameras. As the Games were happening I began to realize their feelings for each other were real. And there was nothing I could do about it. As the second Games were happening I was sure that I would lose her to him. But when everything after that happened, I realized, their romance was over. He left her when she needed him most. She was broken.
My feelings for Katniss have never changed. Even though I knew the chances of us feeling the same thing were very low, deep down inside, I still hoped. She was everything I needed. Whenever she was around, I didn't feel the need to drink. I felt fine. She was making me better, without even knowing it. As we spent less time together, my drinking need came back. I did not feel fine anymore. I felt a mix of loneliness and emptiness. I wondered if she felt the same.
She was different from any other girl I have ever met. She did not take orders like a dog. She was independent and determined and rebellious. She was unaware of her pure beauty. I had to always control the urge to press my lips against hers. Oh how I wished we shared the same feelings for each other.
I never fully admitted my love for her to myself, until this moment. I always told myself that I was just going through a phase. That I would move on. Years later and my feelings for her never changed. Something about her made me love her more. But I only wanted her love back.
About a month ago, we had our last real talk. She was sitting by my fireplace, and I was in my chair. I had not touched a drink that day. She began telling me about what she feels inside. A full year after her sister's death and the destruction of the Games. That's how long it took for her until she could talk about it. As she was describing what she felt, I could hear how broken her voice was.
"Before this, I felt something inside, Haymitch," she was telling me. "But after Prim's…death… I lost that feeling. Everything in my life changed. Peeta is gone. Gale is too. And now my own mother. I feel nothing. I feel empty. And I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what my purpose here is anymore. I already ended the Games. Would it really be bad if I ended it for myself? If, if I could be with Prim again?"
"Katniss!" I said, half alarmed at the last thing she said. She was contemplating whether to kill herself or not. I was going to make her choose the latter option. "What are you saying? Why would you say that, sweetheart? You can't possibly be considering that!"
She stared into the fire for a while. "You don't understand, Haymitch. What do I live for now? You don't know what it's like, not having anything to live for anymore. You don't know what it's like to lose everyone who you risked your life protecting. I don't feel anything anymore. I can't take it anymore. I want it to end." She turned her face away from me, but I could see tears rolling down.
I was quiet for a while, choosing my words very carefully. "You don't get it, sweetheart. Every day since my Games, I've been asking myself the same thing. I drink to fill up that empty void inside of me. So I don't feel lonely anymore. But there's a reason for me to live, Katniss," I said. She gave me a questioning look, wanting to hear more. "There's still one more person, who I tried so hard protecting, alive. That's why I myself am still alive. That person gave me a purpose to live. Before, I didn't know why I was still on this Earth. I didn't know what my purpose was. But because of that person, I know now why. It was so I could protect her. And she healed me. And she will never know how much that meant to me. How much it meant to me that I had a purpose on this Earth, once again. Before her, I felt nothing. I felt empty. And alone. But the moment she stepped into my life, I began to feel something again. The emptiness was slowly leaving. The loneliness too. All I needed to do was realize that. All I needed to do was realize that she was the reason why. The girl who I tried so hard protecting, ended up saving me. And she never knew it." Katniss looked at me, her expression softening. She opened her mouth, but no words came out. I sighed. "If only she knew how much she meant to me, maybe she wouldn't think about leaving this Earth."
I came out of the memory, suddenly understanding why she and I haven't been together since that time. It was because I revealed myself to her. I unknowingly revealed my feelings about her. I basically told her that I loved her. She didn't come back since then because she didn't know what to say. But she's Katniss! She always knows what to say! If she felt the complete opposite, she would have let me know right away. But she didn't. She was silent, as though she was in deep thought. The only time she didn't know what to say was if she was afraid of saying it. Was that it? Was she afraid of telling me how she really felt about me too? Was she scared of revealing her feelings for me? Because if she didn't feel the same way at all, she would have let me known immediately. But she didn't…
My mind went in all different directions, trying to puzzle this together. I set down my bottle and got up from the chair. I walked over to the window, trying to see if she was still out there. I looked through the glass, seeing nothing. She wasn't out there. Maybe she decided to go back inside her house.
Just as I was about to turn around and grab my bottle, I heard a soft knock on the door. And I knew exactly who it was.