Disclaimer: Unfortunately (for me, but probably fortunately for M. Kishimoto), Naruto and all the characters are not mine...
Such Thing as Love...
Part 1
"I love you."
The maddening void made by that breeze of whisper which in its glorious anguish could still send a chill right into the marrows of my bone has not been able to rub out the hollow it has made long ago in my heart.
Pain is the blood flowing in me, the flesh of my body and the whiteness of my perseverance. That every time I saw the small cactus I now put outside my casement was rained, I ached. Or in times when I have to open my door and watch him take the weight off his feet under the fortification of dusk in the distant corner of the empty space holding a book he has never, would never, read, I remembered and remembered and remembered, and I ached. And then, he put down his book, pretending to just woken up from a slumber sleep, and came to me with a smile.
And then a chaste kiss would follow a rustle against my hair and a look of utter love that even within the years of our lives I would never been able to put into words.
"I love you."
It was not "Welcome home" or "Were you assigned?" or even a "Goddamn' it Naruto!"
It was always those three words which exasperate me so.
If only love is enough Sasuke. If only love is ever enough…
I could silently hear the rain shaping the earth outside my apartment as I turned off the light and went to sleep with the maddening void and him back on his chair under the protection of dimness and pretending to read a book he would never read.
The road was winding and long. No, saying that would be an understatement. It has been very painful, both mentally and physically exhausting, and demanding much, much sacrification. Had I relented when doing that? Had I realized that this much will be expected of me when I hit the save-sasuke button? Maybe yes. I had learnt it firsthand that nothing was easy for the likes of me. Saving Sasuke shouldn't be that much of an exception. But then again maybe not. When I strived for Sasuke the very first time, I thought that the matter at hand was simply between Sasuke and Itachi, and then of course between Sasuke and me. But our, or should I say my, problem is like a massive black hole, relentlessly sucking people in, drawing and entwining more problems. I wouldn't possibly know, even in my wildest thoughts about hero and saga and the ninja world, that what started from simple rivalry between Konoha's number one prodigy, Sasuke, and Konoha's number one loudmouthed dreamer will end up sacrificing the lives of people and bringing the daily world as we know it to the harbinger of its destruction. Is it because of who we are? Sasuke and Naruto. The avenger and the demon boy. We being ourselves would never allow a contact be made, let alone something akin to a substantial friendship, brotherhood, and dare I say, love.
Reasoning was not for me. It is something I will never be good at. Thus, at times, oftenly, I didn't need logical reasons. Logic would say that Sasuke is a betrayer. That using my chakra obstinately would shorten my life span. That whatever I'm doing might be useless because Sasuke is, God forsake him, willing to go any length to avenge his brother. But my mind is weak. Such reasoning will never occur to me. Sasuke is more than a rival. He's more than a friend. He's more than a brother. Sasuke is the core of my existence. Through Sasuke, I comprehend, understand, know by heart, what it really means to exist. Because Sasuke simply acknowledges my being. Naruto is here. Naruto is alive. Naruto exists. All because of Sasuke... and losing Sasuke means losing the link of my existence.
Yes, as selfish as it may seem, I needed Sasuke to live on. I needed to grasp tightly on that eternal link that could prove that one Uzumaki Naruto is not a mere demon boy or a loud noise in the crowd, or even a pest to deal with, that Uzumaki Naruto worth something. That much he showed me, and I truly couldn't bear to lose what means so much, too damn much, for me.
I have never even considered twice that he needed to be stronger. I don't care he had to kill Itachi. I couldn't care less that Itachi killed his entire family on the command of Konoha. I dismiss the fact that Sasuke may need to vent out his hatred and avenge on every living being that has put him in such a jumbled mess. All I want is for Sasuke to comeback. To stay right here next to me so I could finally sleep without the feeling of emptiness that shoo away my sleepiness and force my eyes open. To be here in Konoha so that I could see the proof of my existence, the person who defines me. I live Sasuke. I live. And I live like I should live my life for the very first time, Sasuke. I live.
And thus, I went for you. You. You. You. Because without you, I couldn't live.
I used to wish that I could beat Itachi, to be stronger or at least stand equal with him so that my parents would look at me more. And then I wished that I could be much much stronger than Itachi so I could kill him mercilessly with my own bare hands and rip his heart out and feed it to the dog because God he deserves much worse than that for taking my childhood away and killing everything I have ever known as love. For that wish, I was willing to go any length it required me to, even leaving Konoha and piercing my left hand into the chest of the only person I would call a friend. What was happening on my mind during that time was really uncomprehendable to me until this very day. When I looked at his blue blue eyes filled with such a sudden horror, I freeze. No, I didn't think, or at least I couldn't fully remember thinking of anything. My hand was cold. And when I took it out from his chest, it was still cold.
There was no turning back. It was a decision I had to make even when I know by heart, God forgives me, that I would regret. His chakra expulsion made me mad,throwing all my senses away. It stirred something inside me. The need to feed upon a power so raw was excruciatingly painful that my body was moving on its own accord, and my head far long gone. And so I left him there, perhaps to die if Kakashi hadn't save him. I didn't know what I was thinking back then.
When I saw him again, he still hold such determination in his, damn him, blue blue eyes. Even when I moved to kill him, he merely held my hand and lean in a little as if he needed to savour that it was really me standing in front of him, drawing my sword to make my last move. If there wasn't that stoic boy blocking the way, I wouldn't know what might happen.
No, I know what would happen. Uzumaki Naruto wouldn't be here anymore. He would have died on the hands of Uchiha Sasuke. I still don't know what I was thinking at that time.
I knew he cried. So hard I could hear him in my sleep sometimes. I noticed the desperation in his voice when he begged me to come back. Oh and his blue blue eyes when shaded with tears were awfully destructing. But I couldn't come back. He knew that as well. There was no turning back.
There was no turning back.
Not long after, I wished that I could utterly completely turn Konoha into a debris for making me what I was back then. I don't think I thought that for Naruto Konoha was his everything. The place where all his loved ones live in happiness. I hadn't stop to consider that I would turn Naruto into debris. I really had not.
The result of our tangled fate was the murder of so many people. The destruction of so many things we hold dear, his life and my Naruto. I had made a dent in Naruto that no matter how much I wish and wish and wish all over again could never be mended. We would never be the same Sasuke and Naruto like when we were children with dreams. And when I hold him in my arms, rustle his hair, kiss him chastily in his lips and whisper the words of love in his ears, I know to the very extent how destroyed he truly is. And now I silently wish and pray to whatever God there is out there to turn back the time we have lost.
My hand which pierced Naruto on the chest, which draw my sword to kill him, which decided to destroy him to pieces, is still so cold.