Warnings: There's some references to the Percy Jackson series in there, but they're pretty much all Easter Eggs. And there is a kiss, or maybe two... gwaaaah, even I'm not sure whether there were one or two of them. As with many of my fics, the whole thing is very confusing.

Length: 4,113 words.

Time Period: Just after Battle City.

Handicap: There is none. I won't rant here, and will not be giving my reasons in the UAB (Unneccessary Author's Babble) as to why I am not handicapping myself for just this one. The UAB on my main fic is far too long–

Oh, all right. In a nutshell, this whole fic was MEANT to be a demonstration of why I use handicaps beyond giving myself a challenge: Because it's a lot harder for me to prevent things from getting generic when I don't. And it was going to be a lovely exercise in self-bashing and everything.

But then this became cool and twisted enough that it could have had one of several impossible-sounding handicaps I can think of, and it would be exactly the same. Despite being extremely hard and frustrating to write, even more so than my other two fics for this round, I get the feeling that what I've got here could give either of them a run for their money.

...Which definitely wasn't supposed to happen!.

Feedback: Concrit's always helpful, but is especially useful to me here. After all, this time I have no excuses. Ooh, and big and totally serious question: Do I write better with or without handicaps? Might be a good idea to think about my previous fics with the lesser handicaps before you answer that one...

REaLIT-y? (Really Exotic and Long, Irritating Title - why?) Check!

"Hey, Jounouchi!"

"Eh? Oh, hi Mai."

"Was I in your dream?"

"Nah. Hey, tell you what – next time, you can be the teacher!"

– Katsuya Jounouchi, being himself at the Battle City finals.

"Marik, you bastard!" The teen drops to his knees with a groan, and the Egyptian towers over him, growling and shoving a very solid boot into his side. The victim snarls, trying to grab at the boot and wrestle its owner to the ground, but all this gets him is a heel to the face. It's no wonder – Marik is tall, lean, and muscular. Almost white hair sticks out from his head in ridiculous spikes, giving him the appearance of a lion who has recently suffered a large electric shock.

"Don't call me that, Jounouchi."

"What, 'bastard'?"

"No, no. The other name."

"'Marik'? But isn't that your–"

TWHACK!

The boot goes in the ribs, and the victim yelps in pain."Ahh, Katsuya Jounouchi..." Marik rolls the name around his tongue a few times, feeling its contours; "Jounouchi, Jounouchi, Jounouchi... Aheh. What I meant to say is that you of all people should know... better than to refer to me by that name. I'm not Marik, see." A strong hand grips the teen's neck, lifting him up, pinning him back against the wall. Not–Marik leans close, hissing like a snake (and his teeth are indeed rather vampiric); "It's not right to call me that. You will call me–"

Honey eyes narrow in anger. "And you think I'm going to actually use your absolutely wonderful, totally fabulous, utterly pointless waste of a name?" Jounouchi lashes out with his left leg on the last word, hoping to catch the older teen off guard with a quick strike; but Not–Marik is fast – no, beyond fast. Before the blonde knows what's happening, the Egyptian's snatched up the offending limb with the hand that was previously holding Jounouchi's neck, and is oh–so–casually giving it a good twist.

"I'm. Not. Marik."

Jounouchi screams at the pain. His assailant simply laughs; it is an easy, cruel laugh, that in its twin tones speaks of both sunshine and shadow, torture racks and candy. "I never thought it possible, but you're even weaker than before." He carefully examines the leg he holds, smirking a little. "Ah, humans. So brave... so easily broken..." With a yawn, he pulls out a note book, holding a pencil in his teeth. "Thash 'schould make sha good line."

Oh great, so he's a poet now. The blonde grits his teeth against the pain flashing through his leg, trying to hold in the groans and pained grunts that threaten to emerge. Yami Marik completely ignores him, scribbling as best someone holding the pencil in their teeth can. He's holding it horizontally, so has to tilt his head right over to one side in order to write. Jounouchi tries to struggle a few times, but Yami Marik always either bats away the strike, or gives the leg another twist.

Eventually, Jounouchi tries a different tactic; he yells as loud as he can. "Let me go!"

With a shrug, his attacker puts the notebook and pencil back into his pocket, drops the leg, and calmly presses his prey further against the wall. "Once I've finished squeezing out your life, sure." The Egyptian smiles gently, watching the young man slowly lose consciousness, life force ebbing away as he tries – and fails – to breathe.

There is a moment where the blonde simply seems to accept his death – he goes limp, gazing up at Marik with half–closed eyes. The older teen looks down at him, almost pityingly. "I wonder… How long can you live without breathing, Jounouchi?"

The hand relaxes a moment, just enough to let Katsuya Jounouchi form his last words. "M–Marik..."

He snarls, voice as hard as stone, twin amethysts flashing murder. "I said, don't call me Marik! Bad boy!"

The blade of the Millennium Rod comes flashing down, then rises and falls again. There is an awkward moment of muffled cursing, while Yami Marik attempts to get the damn Item out, accidentally cutting himself when the thing comes free, slippery with blood – but he still manages a pretty good end pose, cackling evilly as the rain crashes down around him.

"Aheheh…Tell them that Yami Marik sent you."

Then he goes home, because his clothes are soaking wet, and evil masterminds are never, ever, seen catching A Cold. Such things are most unseemly.

Joey... won games though a great deal of luck, supportive friends, and topdecking...

Jounouchi... preaches peace and friendship, yet practiced violence and hate...

Joey... fought for his life a million times, yet came close to death only once...

Jounouchi... now stands looking into the doorway of death again, and dreams a second time...

Joey... sometimes wondered if it was just luck, his teachers all said otherwise...

Jounouchi… almost lives in a sleeping reality, almost dies in a waking dream…

Joey… died in a pounding reality, lived in a fleeting dream…

School swimming carnivals, Joey decided, had never been his favourite things – and ever since some cross guy in a turban had taken it into his head to randomly transport the school to Australia, he liked them even less. The air was not only sticky and stank of chlorine, it was also very warm. Everyone was sweating as soon as they walked in – you could literally feel water from the humidity condensing on you, which only made things worse. It was so hot, so hot, he's so hot–

*beep*

Jounouchi's skin is flushed with heat, and seems to burn under comforting fingers. His temperature really is worryingly high, maybe he's got a fever, he hopes he won't pass out–

*beep*

Two minutes in there, and you felt like you were going to pass out – though of course you stayed awake, because the place was so damn noisy. It was like a tornado of sound, whirling around his poor ears– a prison, trapping him inside… what? There was something, but he couldn't remember because of the narcoti–

–oh yes, the noise. He couldn't remember because of the noise, that was it. Even boisterous and gung–ho Joey had his limits, and this went well past those limits. The screaming girls were by far the worst in short bursts, but those annoying beeps that signalled race starts and false starts were pretty bad as well. A few minutes of those, and you'd be considering suicide, wanting to give up wanting to give up giving up–

*beep*

The machine beeps, slow and irregular. A heartbeat, faint and fluttering… and damn, those loud beeps get annoying after a while of hearing them. Or reading them, come to think of it.

There's a clicking of heels on hard floor, and the girl walks into the ward. "Is he all right?"

A sad look. "There's not much we can do. He's on his own. If he decides not to live…"

"There is no chance of suicide, Doctor." The words are strong, power and confidence ringing in every word.

"Miss Kujaku–"

"Go, go, go–

*beep*

"Let's go Faction, let's go!"

A chant went up, mixing the sounds even more. Joey groaned in pain, his head meeting the back of the bench in front of them."Jeez, stoppit ah-ready!"

But they didn't stop – the chant just went round and round, more and more confusing and painful and now the other factions were joining in with their own versions and auuuuuughh–

*beep*

She sits alone with him, waiting and waiting –

"AIEEEEE!" The first scream sends shivers down her spine, and the second nearly has her whimpering.

"Shhh… Katsuuya. It'll be all right, it'll be all right…"

Slowly, Jounouchi calms, prone and quiet on his bed. She sits on the end of the bed, remembering the almost times they could have had together, praying that he wakes so she'll get another chance, another chance, another chance–

*beep*

Only Domino High had the nerve to name a school faction "Faction". They might as well have named it "Flag" or "Annoying Cartoon Mascot", to be honest – then he remembered that they had actually named the other two factions those things. The blonde was almost glad he was in the green faction Faction, to be honest.

Almost, because all his friends seemed to be in either blue Flag or red Annoying Cartoon Mascot. He had to sit all by himself for five entire hours, which in the heat was unbearable. And he swore, if one more girl winked at him, he was totally going to get over there and thump the living cheesepuffs out of them before you could say–

BWAOWWWWW!

"Holy–" Joey leaped to his feet at the sound of such a loud horn, getting a few strange looks from his classmates as he looked for the source of the danger, he must have been in danger, he thinks he's in danger–

*beep*

Jounouchi spasms in his bed, yelling in terror – then abruptly sighs in relief, turning over. Mai shivers in fear, fear, fear–

*beep*

Fear took hold for what seemed like an age, but eventually, Joey realized that the horn was… well, just a horn – one of those silly 'vuvuzela' things. (1) "Let's go Faction, let's go!" , the thuggish owner of the thing bawled, before giving a few more blasts on his 'instrument'.

BWAOWWWWW! BWAOWWWWW! BWAOWWWWW!

"Let's go Faction, let's go!"

'Yeah – let's go jump offa cliff', Joey added silently. They were on the far left of the swimming stadium, crowded into stalls too small to really hold all the kids. Flag was sitting on their right, and Annoying Cartoon Mascot was on the very right side of the stadium. The teachers had really gotten into 'House spirit' this time, yelling out chants and dancing around like Celts on a full moon. He'd heard from Duke Devlin that one of the ACM teachers was pretty lethal with the flagpole – ducking was apparently a needed skill for survival over there. He didn't doubt his friend, either – the bruises the new ACM kids always carried were a testament to that, and Devlin himself had been whacked in the eyeball on his very first day, leaving a scar under his left eye.

Yes, Joey decided, sitting back down and trying desperately to ignore the ongoing Flag vs Faction screaming match, there was only one good thing about the swimming carnivals, and that was the chicks. The younger female teachers would go all-out every time, each one trying to look more attractive than the others. As always, he found himself watching one particular lady – Miss Valentine was looking as fabulous as she did every term, when this travesty was run. She was waaaay out of his league, but there was no reason he couldn't claw his way up there, and maybe–

BANG!

The building shook, the lights went out, and Joey was on his feet in a split second, riding down the greasy stair rail to the poolside. He didn't know what, but something was wrong, something was wrong, something's wrong with him–

*beep*

Jounouchi sits bolt upright and lunges upwards, his fists lashing out. Sitting on the end of the end of the bed, Mai recoils from him – but soon desperation overtakes her fear. He could hurt himself doing this, he mustn't hurt himself, he mustn't.

She slips in under his clumsy guard, and catches him in a flying tackle, pins him down. He spits, hisses, tries to get her off – but he is weak, and so she manages to hold him against the bed. "I'm just helping", she whispers, over and over, round and round, until he seems to recognize her voice and relaxes. He's going to be alright, he's going to be alright, he was going to be okay–

*beep*

Why his pursuers couldn't just leave him alone was something Joey had never figured out. And why they had to do it at a freaking swimming carnival, in a busy public place, he had no idea. He was goddamn shirtless, and–

And Miss Valentine grabbed him in a iron hold as he shot off the stair rail. "Gotcha. Now, we're getting out of here." The huge robotic elephant came rampaging through the stadium, its rider looking around for demigod prey. Automatons – Joey had a pretty good idea of who had set them on him, too. The students, naturally, all screamed "Bulldozer!" – their mortal minds were being messed up by the Mist, as usual. At any rate, he didn't have much time – get out get out he's yelling 'Get out', why is he–

*beep*

Suddenly, he tenses again, shaking and trying to push her off. "GET OUT!", he howls – but she just sighs, pushing back.

"I'm not leaving you!"

And that seems to do the trick, because he relaxes again, relaxing, I'm safe now–

*beep*

Gotta get out! He thrashed, trying to get away from his teacher, but it was useless. "Lemme go!"

"Shut up. I'm not leaving you."

He relaxed at that – she evidently wasn't his enemy – but his pride wouldn't let him accept her help so quickly. "Ah kin geddout maself. Don't need yer he–"

"Excuse me, but who's running away?"

"Ah've been onneh run from psychos ever since Ah culd run, miss."

"And how do you think you got away every time? The monsters just conveniently died, did they?"

Jounouchi had to think about that a bit – all those times he'd just managed to get away, or the monster had randomly died when about to strike the final blow. Come to think of it, hadn't he seen Mai Valentine everywhere he'd gone? Always from a distance, always in the card game tournaments he went in, always…

"M–Mai, Mai–

*beep*

"M–Mai–" Such a lot of effort goes into forming that word, getting it past lips dry from fever. The blonde lady kneels next to the bed, soothing him as best as she can: "Mai's here, Jounouchi. I'm here…"

"Protecting… me?" Her heart flutters – he spoke! Barely a whisper, and he's only semi–conscious, but still.

"Yes. Yes, I am, I'll protect you, she'd been protecting me all along–

*beep*

An explosion threw them both sideways, and Joey dimly recognized that the automaton must have fired some sort of weapon. With a yell, the blonde scrambled to his feet – but the sight of the robot elephant bellowing twenty feet above him paralyzed his muscles. All he could do was watch as it bore down on him, it was going to crush him, come crashing down, crash–

*beep*

The teen yelps and convulses in terror, Mai holding him close as he attempts to throw himself from side to side. "Shhh, it's all right." This really isn't her style of comforting – but then again, Jounouchi's a very different sort of guy from the norm, different, different–

*beep*

– and just in time, a dagger (where the heck had that come from?) whistled past Joey's ear, lodging hard in the robot's upper thigh. How or why it penetrated the seemingly solid hide, the blonde had no clue – but what he did know was that it wasn't like anything he'd ever seen before. Liquid gold – ichor, Joey's mind screamed – spurted everywhere, eating away at whatever it touched. As it flooded down the steps, Miss Valentine whirled on him.

"Plan A is run, by the way. So stop gawping like an idiot, and start running!"

But the blonde remained in shock, even when he was hauled up by the scruff of the neck and shaken several times. Mai had been protecting him all along, Jounouchi realized as she hurled him bodily into the swimming pool. Maybe she could be seduced, after all. Maybe he had a chance, maybe he had a chance, maybe he's got a chance–

*beep*

"M–Mai… my Valentine…" Mai gives him a squeeze, running slim fingers through blonde locks. "Come on, Jounouchi. You can do it, you'll make it, I'm not going to make it–"

*beep*

He only realized what was happening en route to the pool, flying up and up before he fell – and so he didn't get a chance to cry out a warning before he hit the surface. His whole body went stiff as he entered the water, then abruptly crumpled, pain racking his slender frame as he sank.

See, there was another reason Jounouchi disliked swimming carnivals (as if he needed any more!) – he had a fairly rational hate of water. It had to do with whoever his parents or grandparents had ticked off - maybe Poseidon, seeing as it was a water-related curse, or perhaps a Nereid (water nymph). Heck, maybe it was a Hippocampus, or some sort of talking sea serpent – whatever it was, it had some sort of argument with his parents, an argument, she wishes she hadn't had that argument–

*beep*

Jounouchi flops back on the pillows, his face a mask of fear, and Mai feels like she's about to cry. Of course, she never would cry – but still, that pain and regret at leaving him alone, it eats away at her heart. She shouldn't have left him alone, left him alone, he was all alone–

*beep*

Joey tried to move, but in vain – his body was paralyzed, sinking limply into the depths. He couldn't even grit his teeth at the horrible thought of what he knew would come next, though he could certainly think about it. The changes began with an itch, and worked their way upwards, finishing with a blinding pain somewhere in his spine. He wanted to howl, to scream, to exist with nothing but his own pain, but the water was surrounding, strangling…

And then his back simply went snap. Instantly, control came rushing back to his limbs, along with even more nigh–unbearable pain. His vertebra were popping out of alignment with each other, a whole group of them rising out of his spine. With a grunt, Joey struck out for the surface; he wished someone would help him, help him, she wants to help–

*beep*

Jounouchi's back suddenly snaps, his whole body curling and shuddering. With a yelp, Mai backs off, watching as he begins to thrash and struggle. Within the minute, his legs are fusing, there's a dorsal fin coming out of his back – this is surely a sick Penalty Game of some description. "Help! Help!", Mai screams, but no–one comes. Too late, she sees how dark the room is, realizes just who is leaning against the doorframe, sneering, laughing at her, they were laughing at him–

*beep*

Evidently the sort of changes Joey was undergoing just weren't enough for whichever damn god happened to be his parent/had cursed him, since his legs suddenly got stuck together. He could just imagine them laughing their godly little heads off as he died. His lungs were near bursting, he was being suffocated. His head spun, the pain seemed further away – blurred. His body was actually stronger, horribly contorted now, but bearing the pain so much better.

…All the same, the dead weight of that tail was pulling him down and down, he was dying, he didn't want to die, she doesn't want him to die–

*beep*

"You're doing this to him, aren't you? Stop it!"

Yami Marik laughs. "But this... this is a Shadow Game. A test of your will. I cannot stop it. And if you refuse to play, you and he will both die."

She tenses. "What are the rules?"

"They are simple: As his life force drains away, he shall… change. And he will be fully transformed soon – if that happens, you will die, along with his human mind. He will rip you apart. So, the only way to stop him is to save his life."

She looks down at Jounouchi, at how he gasps for air and how his whole body flops now. He is choking, drowning – in desperation, she leans forwards, taking his webbed hands and pulling him upwards, up towards some invisible surface only he can actually see, the surface, Gods, I'm being rescued–

*beep*

Something grabbed one of Joey's wrists, then the other, pulling him to the surface. He was dragged out of the pool, and lay on the cold tiles, too tired to breathe, lungs full of water – and then there were warm lips pressing up against his in a resuscitation attempt. It must have worked, because the blurry world became brighter, and he coughed up what felt like half the pool's worth of water. Human again, he looked up at his rescuer, Miss Valentine... and it was as though every last damn one of his Christmases had come true, all at once. He was alive, she was alive, and she was right there and–

"Th–thankyou…"

He forgot what he was planning to say around that point; there was something, but…umm... what was he going to say...erm...

Oh well. The blonde simply couldn't resist that alluring gaze – so he kissed her then, warm and fervently. Feeling a little self–conscious, he took her hand, and kissed that too, closing his eyes, his eyes were still closed, goddammit, he's not waking up–

*beep*

Jounouchi's not struggling anymore, he's not changing any further, but he's gone awfully still. Unconscious, or even worse. Yami Marik stands over the patient, arms folded, foot tapping in irritation. "So."

"So?"

He growls. "You have bought yourself some time, human."

Mai glares. "You're human."

A pout. "I'm hate itself."

"Like I said: You're human."

"It sounds more poetic when I say it like I'm not, though." Yami Marik cocks his head, vulturelike, gazing at the woman sideways. "Getting back on topic, you haven't saved him just yet. Unless you can make him wake up, he will die. And so will you." He brightens. "That'd make a great line!" Out comes the notebook, and he's scribbling away in seconds.

With a jolt, Mai remembers – if someone has just nearly drowned, a resuscitation is surely in the cards. The look of frustration flickering across the Egyptian's features when she leans over the teen only backs up this theory.

Two breaths in, thirty compresses – two breaths in, twenty eight, twenty nine compresses–

Suddenly, Jounouchi begins to respond, coughing. She instinctively pulls away, but suddenly his hand reaches up and drags her back down, his tongue exploring her mouth. With a jolt, she realizes that she's been caught in a full–on kiss (God knows why!), but doesn't have the heart to pull away. So, she waits for him to finish, which he eventually does.

"Th–thankyou…", he whispers. His eyes aren't open, and Mai can feel Yami Marik's gaze boring into her back. She looks over her shoulder, and notices that the Egyptian is smiling.

"What's that look for?", she snaps, and he shrugs, face perfectly blank.

"He's not conscious yet. His mind isn't back here."

She leans back over Jounouchi, determined to prove that bratty Egyptian wrong. "Open your eyes. Please, please–

*beep*

Miss Valentine must have smiled down at him, a beautiful, perfect, warm smile, because he could feel an intense warmth on his brow. Or maybe that fireball wasn't about to miss, after all. "Thankyou…", he panted out again.

"Hey, I understand. But now I've done something for you, could you do something for me?"

"Yeah, sure. What is it?"

"Why don't you just… Open your eyes? Please, please…"

A strange request, but Joey didn't want to disappoint after what she'd given him – and she sounded so desperate, too. So, with a great effort, he opened his eyes. For a second, there she was, in all her beauty, accepting her death, arms spread with a huge fireball right behind her– and then a roar, a rushing, a burning, and he fell into the blinding light of oblivion. There was light, light in his eyes,oh YES his eyes are open–

*beep*

Jounouchi's eyes snap open, and Yami Marik backs off with a yowl of disappointment. For a second, the boy seems to be some sort of a plesiosaur, huge and imposing – but then his form flickers back to its original, the shadows disappear. Daylight comes again to the hospital.

And Katsuya Jounouchi reaches up, kissing Mai over and over. "Gods… I thought that I was a goner... and that he'd come after you... and..."

He doesn't need to finish; she knows what he's thinking – or at least thinks she knows. She just hugs him, and – in a very rare display – allows him to kiss her, now that he is conscious. "It's all right now." And it will be all right. There will be no more arguments, no more fights. She swears to herself that she'll never, ever walk away.

Needless to say, Yami Marik gags.

*beep*

Notes:
1. The vuvuzela is a very annoying instrument, which sounds a bit like a very loud kazoo, a buffalo throwing up, and a walrus getting its tail crushed, usually all three at once. It's very popular with South Africans at soccer matches (or as some call that game, 'football' – Aussie football actually involves beer , grown men beating each other's faces into the ground, an orange, elliptic ball, and more beer). I'm not much of a fan of it.

UAB

That is pretty much the closest to the deadline I've ever run a fic. Not even kidding.

... And I don't have much more to say, really. Aside from the fact that I seem to have run a weird format without having any reason to. And I've been confusing without having any reason to be confusing. And this thing is even more confusing than one of the ones with a handicap.

Curses!