The stars were finally out,
twinkling merrily in contrast to the melancholy mood in Quistis's heart. She
noticed the clock on the wall. It was 12:00 midnight. How long had she been out
here, she wondered, staring down in to the courtyard below? Too long. She was
definitely starting to feel all the past nights of lost sleep very well. But
she couldn't sleep, no matter how she tried. One can't sleep, she thought, in
the same bed with jealousy. Sighing, she leaned heavily on the railing, hanging
her head over and closing her eyes, trying so hard to avoid the thoughts she'd
been unable sleep on for weeks.
Finally, she gave up, and stood
straighter, gathering up the skirts of her nightgown, and quietly pushing open
the door, walking down the hall, and entering her own room, hearing the door
creak as it slid across the floor. Once there, Quistis sat down on the bed, and
watched it begin to drizzle outside her window. The rain picked up speed, going
from light to a heavy downpour as she observed it. She walked over, through
open the window, and thrust her upper body outside, not caring that her clothes
were getting wet, or that the rain was coming inside, into her room. She bowed
her head, and let her salty tears meld with the rain. Then she became her
usual, practical self again. She couldn't get all bent out of shape, not now,
because the wedding was in the morning, and she had to be calm, and being dry
wouldn't hurt either.
Quistis closed the window again, and
lay down on her bed, letting one last tear trickle down her cheek, before
shutting out all thoughts of the "happy" occasion in the morning. Instead, she
thought of how truly happy her friends would be, how the whole garden was
getting ready busily for the event, and much the two loved each other. They
really would do well together, she knew. But somehow, unsurprisingly, it didn't
make it hurt any less. Squall and Rinoa had always been meant for each other.
But what about her?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Irvine heard the door across the
hall creak slowly open and closed again, as he sat at his desk with the light
on. He wondered for a minute if it might be Selphie, but then he realized it
didn't matter if it was, he had no excuse to go see, or to knock on her door.
It was difficult getting used to not hugging her in the hall, not smiling at
her across a room and not having her beam back at him as she crossed to where
he was. It was hard as hell, he thought to himself, living without her. But he
knew it was better for her. And he knew that she didn't really love him. He
wondered if he really loved her. It was hard getting used to being confused,
too.
Irvine had always bragged about
being a ladies man. "What's your specialty?" "Why, guns and women, of course!"
He snorted derisively at himself, knowing that he didn't have a specialty in
women any more than in…well, in much of anything else except successfully
shooting things. That disturbed him more than Selphie, he realized. What was he
doing with his life? He was spending it…on nothing. On being a sniper, true,
but…what was that? It was target practice. That was it. His greatest
accomplishment was having assisted in shooting a sorceress. None of this meant
anything to him. He didn't have a life, he suddenly realized. He didn't have
anything. All of it revolved around the gun he found himself holding in his
hands.
Shaking his head, he cried out, and
threw the gun as hard as he could against the wall. It landed with a crash
against a vase in the corner, breaking the prettily painted thing into
smithereens. He threw himself down on the bed, biting his lip against the
sudden rush of pain in his head. He knew what was missing in his life, and what
was keeping him from having one. It was a pretty girl, with a short brunette
haircut, and a love for smiling and the color yellow, who was definitely girly,
but kicked ass with a nunchaku. It was that girl that had kept him alive for so
long. And now, what to do?
He heard a scraping, and sat up
quickly, covering his eyes against the sudden glow of light from a candle.
Removing his hand, he looked and found Quistis in the doorway, staring at the
gun and the shattered vase on the floor in the corner. Quickly coughing to
clear his throat, he sat up and looked sheepishly at her. "I'm sorry,
instructor, did I wake you?" She shook her head. "I was awake. I heard a crash,
and…" she gestured vaguely at the broken vase, and then sighed. He nodded
slowly, standing up and walking over to her. Looking at her face, it was clear
she hadn't slept for a while. He knew very well she was having trouble, damn,
the whole garden knew her feelings for Squall! Everyone but Squall himself, who
was oblivious, as usual. Even Rinoa, poor girl, knew.
"And…" she continued, smiling sadly,
"I needed an excuse to do something with myself. I suppose I had too much
coffee before bed…" Irvine shook his head at her, smiling warmly, and she
turned away, composing her features as she felt his hand on her shoulder. "You
need to get over him, you know. There are tons of other great guys out
there…like me!" He grinned widely, raising his eyebrows ridiculously, and she
laughed softly, knowing he was only joking. Irvine sighed. Who was he kidding?
Using him as an example of men was a joke in itself.
But he realized now what Quistis
needed, and he took her hand in his, squeezing it gently, letting her know that
there was, after all someone there. And the answering pressure surprised him by
making him feel a little bit better himself.brbr
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
As the next morning dawned, Quistis
was alarmed when Irvine ran into her room with his collar askew, and his suit
twisted. He was fumbling with his tie, and gave Quistis a frantic look.
"Quistis, please, this is really embarrassing, but I have no idea how to tie a
tie. Help!" Despite herself, Quistis laughed. She straightened his suit and
collar, and, like a true instructor, showed him step by step how to tie his
tie. Relieved, he thanked her several times, and slammed out of the room.
Quistis shook her head in mild amusement, before donning her light blue
beribboned maid of honor dress. It was not the kind of thing she usually liked
to wear, in fact, all the ruffles and ribbons on it quite bewildered her. But
she did it for Rinoa…oh, who was she fooling? She did it for Squall, she did
the whole damn thing for Squall.
Put out of her good mood by these
thoughts, she finished fixing her dress, and pulled her hair back into a rather
quick and messy version of her usual hairstyle. She stepped out into the hall,
and was met by Irvine, who quickly closed his door behind him and winked at
her, much more his usual handsome self now. They walked along together, Irvine
whistling to himself as Quistis opened the door to the ballroom. Then, suddenly
his voice trailed off, and he stopped dead in the doorway.
The room was empty, as they were
early, except for two people embracing in a corner. Selphie and Zell, still
unaware of their presence stood, accented by the sunlight from the windows as
they watched, in shock. Then Irvine turned on his heel and left the room, his
face averted from Quistis, who shot one more glance at Selphie and Zell before
following him.
Outside in the hall, Irvine leaned
his head against the wall and breathed deeply. There was nothing wrong, he
rationalized. Selphie and he were over. She was free to be with Zell. And why
not with Zell? Zell was a good guy. A fun guy, just right for Selphie. But
dammit, HE had been the one for Selphie! And she'd gone so quickly…it only
really hit him now that she was really, truly gone. He'd never have her in his
arms again, or brush her hair back and smile down into those playful, trusting
eyes…not in that way. He imagined Zell kissing her the way he had, and pounded
his fist into the wall in pain.
Quistis found him that way as she
approached him in the hall. The pieces were all beginning to fall together
before her eyes now, and she felt so guilty at having been selfish enough to
wallow in her own self pity, and not see what was happening around her. Poor
Irvine, she knew all too well how he felt. She'd known vaguely when he and
Selphie had stopped meeting at midnight by
the bench in the courtyard, but it hadn't meant all that much to her
then. Now she saw how hard it had Irvine, and put a hand on his shoulder, as a
group of SeeDs entered the ballroom for the fast approaching wedding. She
didn't have to say anything, he turned swiftly, and walked back in. Shaking her
head, she followed.
Selphie and Zell were no longer
engaging in any interesting activity, so Quistis was able to notice other
things in the room. Everything was candle lit, with a large chandelier hanging
from the ceiling, that Quistis knew had never been there before. Squall and
Rinoa had entered now, and he really did look marvelous in his tux. She
admitted it was a bit odd to see him in a tux, but he looked wonderful in it
all the same. And she grudgingly allowed herself the thought that Rinoa looked
beautiful to match him in her beautiful white gown, adorned with a few white
feathers in her hair, covered by her silky veil. They were the perfect couple,
she thought bitterly. The perfect couple, and she couldn't even be the third
wheel anymore, not now. Squall wouldn't really want anything to do with her,
now that he had whom he wanted. It was too late to be crying over a married
man.
As Rinoa walked down the aisle to
where Cid and Squall were waiting, she turned and looked at Quistis. Quistis
tried so hard to wipe the pain off her face and smile encouragingly at her
lucky, lucky friend, who had stolen the man that Quistis loved, the only man
she'd ever loved, and-she couldn't, just couldn't smile, so she turned away
instead. She was unable to let Rinoa see the hurt and hate on her face, not on
her wedding day, which should be the happiest day of her life. She couldn't
show this to the world, especially not now. So she would suffer in silence, as
she always had. But it would be different now, with no chance left of winning
his heart. Because as of today, Squall was no longer himself. He was Rinoa's
property, and Quistis knew it well, all too well.
Irvine looked over at Quistis, and
saw her pain through the veil of his own. He just kept watching the happy look
on Squall's face as Rinoa grasped his hand and said her vows. It was all too
perfect, all too sickeningly wonderful. He plastered a cocky grin on his face
as Rinoa looked towards them, then wiped it clean again as she turned away. He
looked over at Selphie, and saw her looking up into Zell's grinning face. It
disgusted him. Why hadn't he been good enough for her? What had been wrong with
him? Wasn't he smart enough, cool enough, handsome enough? He shook his head,
knowing. He didn't have a life, that was it. He'd known it last night, he knew
it now. He didn't have a life, so why live?
After the wedding, everyone
clustered around Rinoa and Squall, allowing Irvine to slip out unnoticed. He
walked slowly back to his room, absently, not really knowing where he was
going. Before he knew what was happening, he was sitting on his bed, holding
his Exeter gun in his hands. He stared at it for a few moments, contemplating
it's silver finishing and the wing shaped segments along the barrel. He ran his
hands along it, clutching it to his chest. Well, if this was all he had, then
he was going to use it wisely. Slowly, as if in a dream, he closed his eyes and
lifted the gun up. He would just place it to his head, and pull the trigger…
"Irvine??" He dropped the gun in
surprise, seeing Quistis in the doorway. "Irvine?" He nodded, shaken, and
gestured her in, cursing inwardly at his missed opportunity. If only he hadn't
hesitated so much, it'd be over now. She sat down beside him as she had the
night before, and sighed, smiling sadly at him. "I don't think I can take the
party this evening. I mean, you now crowds disturb me," she said, hastily
covering up her real reasons. Irvine nodded, like he believed her. "I was going
to borrow a car and go out to dinner…would you like to join me?"
Irvine looked at the ground and bit
his lip. Quistis looked over at him, and softly said his name. He looked up
into her eyes, and realized she was as hurt by today's events as himself.
"Please?" she whispered. He nodded, and put on a grin, dramatically bowing to
her as he pulled her to her feet. "Let us be off," he said gallantly, and
winked at her, leading her out the door, the lonely gun left quite forgotten on
the floor.
