The Trojan Army of Darkness
A Evil Dead/Hercules/Xena Adventure
By GoodAsh
Note: This story is presented in serial form...just for the fun of cliffhangers.
Chapter 1
Autolycus looked up and smiled. "These temple guards just get stupider and stupider all the time" he thought. They hadn't seen him lower his rope from the idol just above their heads, nor had they seen him swing across into the main temple which housed his latest 'treasure'.
"Yuck would you look at that horrible cover?" He thought. " Mama always said to never judge the book by one, but in this case I have to make an exception."
Autolycus grasped the book in both of his hands, and just because he was curious and knew that the guards would never see him, opened the cover. He read the first page. Necronomicon Ex Mortis. Book of the Dead. Autolycus felt a strange chill run down his spine as he closed the cover. He wondered how much trouble this book was going to get him into.
As he took the book from it altar, Autolycus heard the distant sound of thunder. Not a normal thunder, but the type that always brought bad news with it. The Guards turned suddenly and spied the King of Thieves cradling the Necronomicon.
"Fool!" The first guard screamed. "You've taken the Necronomicon from its sacred altar" His voice changed quickly to a resounding fear. "You've doomed us all to slavery under the rule of the Deadites." Both guards dropped their weapons and ran from the room in a panic.
Autolycus grinned. "You superstitious primates!! I'm not sure this stupid little book is really going to bring about the slavery of the human race. But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?" And with that the King of Thieves made his escape with the Book of the Dead neatly tucked under his arm.
Ash woke up with the worst headache of his life. "What the hell was I drinking last night?" He wondered aloud as he rubbed his head with his metal hand. Ash rubbed the blur from his eyes and sat bolt upright. "Awwwww noooooo! Not this crap again! I been stuck back with the freakin' primates again! I thought I had taken care of that stupid book once and for all."
Cautiously, Ash rose from the pallet of straw he had been lying on. He was feeling a little queasy and he stuck his head out of the open window of the small hut and lost everything since last year's Thanksgiving turkey. Ash wiped his mouth and stumbled around, trying to get his bearings. He looked around and realized that if this was another one of the Necronomicon's tricks, he was severely unprepared for it. No chainsaw, no shotgun, nothing. This time he was screwed, except for a few modifications he'd made to his hand.
Ash heard a scream from outside the hut. Nervously, he walked to the door to check the situation. It was a girl, that much was obvious, but most of her face was obscured by the skeletal Deadite she was wearing as a head ornament. The girl was trying in vain to knock the creature off of her with a long smooth stick, but the Deadite clung to her like a feather to tar.
Ash threw open the door. Steeling himself, he yelled, "Hey Skeletor…wanna wrestle with the real master of the universe?" The Deadite turned, almost as if he recognized Ash's voice.
"I'll swallow your soul!!" It wailed.
"You guys really need to get some better dialogue." Ash retorted.
The creature leapt from the girl's shoulders and rushed at Ash. "I'llswallowyoursoul I'llswallowyoursoul I'llswallowyoursoul!!!"
Ash raised his right hand and aimed deliberately at the oncoming attacker. Satisfied with the aim, he clenched his metal hand into a fist and pressed a small button on the metal housing on his wrist. The fist shot off the housing at rocket speed, rapidly uncoiling the cable that attached it to his wrist. The fist caught the Deadite square in the nose, then the middle of the skull, eventually reaching entirely through its head altogether. The Deadite fell.
Ash breathed a sigh of relief. "You okay, toots?" he asked the girl. She stared at him with a confused look. Ash thought maybe she was a little hard of hearing. "ARE YOU OKAY?" he repeated. Once again, the look. She then looked down and shouted something that Ash took to be a warning. The Deadite popped up and yanking the cable that connected Ash's wrist to the metal fist hanging from the back of his head, pulled Ash to the ground. Bravely, the girl swung her stick at the beast, but it swatted her away like a fly. Ash stared up at the creature, completely helpless. "So this is how the life of Ash ends, huh? I thought It'd be better than this, with possibly even a few scantily clad chicks to go with it." He thought.
Ash heard the sound of metal hitting bone and the head of the Deadite fell squarely on his chest. "Look fella, I was gonna take care of him, I didn't need any help" Ash looked past the body of the fallen Deadite. There she was... clad in black leather and holding some weird circle looking thing and talking in that weird gibberish the other girl was passing off for an actual language. She was the most beautiful woman Ash had ever seen... He was in love.
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