Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
When his phone rang, Dean figured it was Bobby because few people had his cell number and after a full year out of the business, even fewer people called it. He reached for the phone on the nightstand, not taking his eyes off the TV where Grace Kelly had Jimmy Stewart in a liplock.
"The ultimate Hitchcock blonde," he muttered.
Sam wasn't watching the movie. He was sitting on the other bed, mirroring Dean's position, back to the headboard but with his laptop open on his thighs. They weren't on a hunt, hadn't been on one in over two weeks, so he wasn't researching. Probably catching up with his so called "friends" on Facebook. Status update: had Chinese chicken salad at Denny's and I have my soul back.
Dean glanced down at the cell as his thumb hit the answer button. The ID registered as the call connected leaving him no time at all to collect himself.
"Hey." Then for Sam's benefit he added, "Lisa," and his voice cracked.
"I'm sorry to call you. Are you driving or. . . you know. . . "
"It's fine," Dean said softly unable to get any more volume around the lump in his throat. "We're just watchin' a movie. It's been quiet." Then it hit him, the only reason she'd be calling. He pushed up to his feet, adrenaline wiping out the ache he'd felt at hearing her voice again. "Something's wrong. What happened?"
"It's probably nothing," she said but he could tell she didn't mean it. "It's just. . . with everything. . . a couple of years ago I would have been sure it was just a bad dream." She was getting breathless now as the tension rose in her voice.
"Tell me what's going on." Dean started to pace in the small space between the bed and bathroom. Sam, who was still stretched out on the other bed, shot him a questioning glance but all he could do was shrug in answer.
"It started last week. Ben told me that he saw this man watching him when he came out of school. Then he saw him again when he was skateboarding with some friends but when he mentioned it, the other kids said they didn't see the man and when he looked again, the guy was gone. Just like that."
"Okay," Dean said evenly.
"I thought it was just him being paranoid, you know, after everything that's happened but this morning he told me that he woke up during the night and the man was in his room."
Dean stopped pacing but his heart rate thundered on as if he'd just come in from a run.
"He was so scared that he laid there pretending to be asleep and when he got the courage to look again the man was gone. I told him it was just a nightmare, because he was thinking about the man and worrying and I think he believed it but now he's afraid to go to sleep and I am, too and I'm trying so hard not to let him see how scared I am, but Dean, I am. I'm so scared. I'm sorry to bother you with this but I didn't know what else to do."
"Hey, hey," he soothed. "You did the right thing, okay? It doesn't matter what's going on on my end, I'm always here for you, honey, always." He started to pace again. "Look, it's probably exactly what you said, a nightmare but we'll come check it out anyway. If we hit the road tonight we should be there late tomorrow. In the meantime, you should do a couple of things, as a precaution."
"Sure. Okay."
"The symbols I painted on the floor, under the rugs in front of the front and back door. Are they still there?"
"I guess. I haven't looked at them."
"Check them, carefully. They have to be completely intact. If the paint is chipped you need to fix it. Spray paint or use a brush but the circle can't be broken at all. Then get some rock salt and pour it on all the window sills and around the doors and in front of the fireplace, too. Anywhere something could come in. "
Dean took a breath as he met Sam's eyes. Now that he had his soul back there was genuine concern there. "I'll start packing," he mouthed / whispered and Dean nodded for him to go ahead.
"Lisa. Do you still have the gun I gave you?"
"Yes."
He could hear the tears creeping into her voice.
"Load it and keep it with you but honestly, I don't think you'll need it."
"No?"
"No. Worst case scenario, if Ben really did see this guy in his room, then whatever it was had an opportunity to hurt him and it didn't. So maybe it's a spirit trying to make contact. Did anyone around you die recently? A relative or neighbor?"
"No. No one. But ghost, yeah, that fits with everything he said. The way the guy kept disappearing and reappearing and how the other kids couldn't see him." She sounded like she was reassured by this idea and that proved how really jacked up their lives were. Other people would freak at the notion of a ghost in the house, but here it was the lesser of the evils. Literally.
"I really don't think it's anything to worry about but better safe than sorry. The traps and the salt should keep anything evil from entering the house. So stay inside if you can and stick together. I'll check in with you from the road, or you call me. As often as you need to, okay?"
There was silence on her end.
"Okay?" Dean repeated.
"Yes." Another pause. "I can't believe I'm. . . " She didn't finish but she didn't have to. He knew where she was going. 'I can't believe I'm going to let you back in the house.' 'I can't believe I'm trusting you again.'
"Tell Ben not to worry. We'll be there soon."
"I will. Bye." She disconnected the call.
Dean slumped back down to sitting on the bed, all the positive feelings he'd had over the last two weeks completely sucked out of him.
Sam came out of the bathroom with both of their shaving kits. "So what's going on?" He asked as he packed the kits in an open duffel.
Dean repeated the story Lisa had told him after which Sam said, "do you really think it's nothing or did you just say that to calm her down?"
"I think it's something, but not necessarily a dangerous something. A demon wouldn't have left him alive to tell the story."
"Unless that was the plan."
"The plan?" Dean repeated.
"She called you and we're coming."
"You think this is some set up to get to us?"
"Could be." Sam zipped up the duffel then threw it at Dean who deflected it rather than catch it.
"Since when are we so hard to find that we have to be lured into a trap?"
"Maybe it's not so much about getting us there as having leverage."
"Meaning Lisa and Ben." Dean growled as he stood up. "I never should have gone to them, involved them. I knew it would turn out bad. I knew it because it always does. We don't get to be happy. I've come to terms with that, but now I've screwed their lives up, too."
Sam frowned then turned his back under the guise of double checking the motel room closet.
"What?" Dean demanded, already knowing where this was going.
"It's not your fault. It's mine. The trouble started because I came back. Before that, you were living the apple pie life."
"Well, not exactly—"
"I saw you, Dean!" Sam slammed the closet door then whirled around, a new fire in his eyes. "I saw you with Ben playing football on the lawn, that go-cart you built, the barbeques. . . "
"You saw all of that, really? Football was around Thanksgiving. The go-cart was in the spring. The barbeques in the summer. You saw all of that?" Dean bent down to pick up the packed duffel from the floor. "So you weren't just back for a full year, you were actually stalking me. You were close enough to see me and still you let me think you were rotting in hell."
"We've already gone over this." Sam went back to his bed to shut down the laptop.
"Yeah, but the last time we talked about it, you didn't have a soul so you didn't give a damn."
"You looked happy. You had a woman who loved you, a son, a home. A life. Even if I'd had my soul back then, I wouldn't have messed with that. If I'd had my soul, I would have stayed away. I pulled you back in because I didn't have a soul, because I didn't understand what you'd be giving up. It's my fault that Lisa's living in fear. Not just because I took you away but because of the whole vampire thing."
Now that, Dean hadn't seen coming.
"It's not like I don't remember what happened, Dean. I remember watching that vampire attack you. I remember thinking, this is a good thing. This is what we need. And then what happened? What happened when you went back to see Lisa after that? What did you do that scared her enough to push you out of her life?"
"I told you."
"Not really and if we're going back there, I need to know."
Dean sighed as he dragged a hand over his face. "I was on the verge of turning and everything was heightened to the point where it was . . .painful. I wanted her so badly but after a few minutes I realized that if I took her, I'd hurt her, so I ran and Ben got in the way and I shoved him. I didn't realize how strong I was and it freaked him and freaked her." Dean reached for the whiskey bottle that he thought was on the nightstand before realizing that he'd finished it the night before. "It was because of Ben. I think if it was just her, she would have given me another chance."
"She is giving you another chance."
"Because she's desperate, not because she trusts me or wants me back."
"But it's a chance and she'll see that you're fine and I'm better and. . . " Sam shoved the laptop into its case then slung the strap over his shoulder. "I only ever wanted you to be happy," he mumbled.
"Which would be reasonable if we weren't Winchesters." Dean turned off the TV, grabbed the duffel then followed Sam out of the room.
# # #
It was after 9:00 at night when they turned into the neighborhood and every house on the block, except Lisa's was a glow with a cacophony of holiday lights, inflatable roof creatures and lawn ornaments.
"Well, that sucks," Dean said as he steered the Impala into the snow-dusted driveway. "As soon as we kill whatever this thing is, we're putting up lights."
Sam rolled his eyes. "Way to prioritize."
They climbed out of the car simultaneously and at the same time the front door flew open and Ben came barreling out of the house. He ran across the lawn heading straight for Dean, but pulled up short at the last second. The sudden shift in the slushy snow sent his feet out from under him but Dean caught him by the arm before he toppled then turned the move into a half hug. He wanted to pull the boy closer, to lock him up in a suffocating embrace as his dad had done when they'd met up after all those agonizing months apart. Wanted to, but didn't.
"Thanks for coming," Ben mumbled as he stepped back and squared his shoulders. He looked two inches taller and ten years wiser, puberty and knowing the truth about the darkness changing him from a boy to a man before Dean's very eyes.
"Anytime, buddy. You need me. You call. I'll be here as fast as I can." Dean didn't stop himself from giving the boy's hair a toss. Then he saw Lisa in the doorway. She had her arms folded over her chest and even at this distance he could see the frown on her face. Not the welcome he had hoped for, but given the terms of his last visit. . .
"Hey, Ben," said Sam. "Can you help me with the bags?"
"Sure," the boy replied eagerly, obviously just as interested in avoiding this meeting as Sam was.
Leaving them to it, Dean walked up the path to the porch. As soon as he hit the first step, Lisa went inside and out of view. He followed, took a moment to stamp the wet off his boots, then lifted the area rug to check the symbol underneath. Part of the symbol was darker red than the rest indicating that it had been freshly painted.
"Just like you instructed." Clipped and cold.
Dean replaced the rug then turned slowly to face her. She was in the living room, just standing there, arms still crossed, stoic expression darkening her eyes and flattening her lips. He'd seen that look plenty of times in their first few months together. Every time she'd caught him with a bottle or loading a gun. Every time he talked about leaving or trying to find a way to save Sam. Always with that face. That, I want to love you but you're making it so hard, face.
"I know you don't really want me here –"
"That's not true!" She blurted out and he heard the pain in her voice. "I've always wanted you here, Dean. Since that day you showed up on my doorstep, I've wanted you here, in my life and Ben's life and that's why I was willing to step aside and let you go. . . which, makes no sense whatsoever, I know, but it's the truth. And then you came here that night with whatever the heck was going on with you and you scared me to death. Dean, you scared me so much that I'm not sure . . . " Her words dissolved into a shrug and then a swing of her arms and a flip of her hair and he could tell that she was fighting to keep from crying.
"I'm so sorry, Lisa." Good idea or not, he closed the gap between them and pulled her into his arms. He held her tight, not in the suffocating embrace he wanted for Ben, but gentle and fluid. His cheek to her temple, his hands caressing her back. He could feel bones. She'd lost weight and not in a healthy way. "I wish I hadn't come here that night but I did and I know you can't just forget—"
"But I want to forget, Dean." Lisa leaned back so she could look up at him. "I want to forget everything except those last few months before your brother came back. I know they weren't the happiest for you, but we were getting there. We were a family. For the first time in his life, Ben had a father he could look up to and trust but you threw it all away." She wiggled out of his embrace then kept stepping back until there were a couple of arm's lengths between them. "I so didn't want to start this again," she muttered, gaze dropping to the floor. "I shouldn't have called you."
The heavy stomp of boots on the floor made Dean turn around. Sam was there with Ben, both carrying large duffel bags.
"Why don't you just leave those by the door for now," Dean said after searching for a moment to find his voice.
Lisa whizzed past on her way to the kitchen. "I'll put some coffee on and there's leftover lasagna if you're hungry." She didn't wait for a response.
Sam filled the awkward silence that followed. "Ben, why don't we sit down and talk about what's been going on." He motioned for the boy to precede him into the living room.
Hunter mode. Dean was good with that.
Ben and Sam sat down on the couch so Dean took the large chair across from them. It was his spot. The chair he sat in when they were watching TV or playing video games. Ben always beat him at the racing games, but Dean was the master at Donkey Kong and Super Mario. Would have been a champ at Call of Duty, but Lisa had banned the game the first time she saw Ben gleefully blow away an on-screen zombie.
Welcome to my world.
"Tell us about the man you've been seeing," said Sam. "What did he look like?"
"He was old but not real old. Not like a grandpop. He was kinda bald and a full mustache, beard kind of thing. The beard was thin and a little pointy at the bottom."
"He was solid?" Dean asked. "Or could you see through him, even a little?"
"No, he was solid. A real person, except that my friends couldn't see him. Only me."
"You were able to look right at him at the same time they said they couldn't see him," Sam clarified.
"Yeah, but only for a second. If I blinked or turned my head, he'd disappear."
"And you saw him a couple of times," Dean continued.
"First around school and then at the skate park and then in my room the other night." At that mention, Ben's chin began to tremble as he, like his mother earlier, tried to hold back the tears.
"It's okay." Dean moved to the couch nudging the boy over a cushion to make room. "We're here now. He's not going to get to you."
"But what does he want? Why is he watching me?"
"He hasn't spoken to you? Not even when he was in your room?"
"No. He just watches and it's like he's not happy. Not in a mad way, just not happy."
Lisa came in with coffee and cookies on a tray. She set it on the coffee table then took the seat Dean had vacated.
"I told him what you said, about how he hasn't tried to hurt him, so it's probably just a ghost that's latched on to him."
"But I don't want a ghost following me around," Ben said as if he were complaining about a tagalong little brother. "You gotta make it stop."
"We will. We just need to figure out who he is and what he wants," said Dean. "In the meantime, you have to do what you normally do and if you see him again, you let me know."
Ben shivered. "What I normally do? You mean I have to sleep in my room?"
"He stayed with me last night," said Lisa.
Dean gripped the boy by the back of the neck and held him still so he could look him straight in the eye. "I'll stay in your room with you. I'll bunk on the floor right by your bed, so if he shows up, I'll be there."
"What if he takes me? What if you're asleep and he takes me like. . . what happened before."
The changling mother. She had kidnapped Ben from his bedroom along with a half dozen other kids from the neighborhood shortly after Ben's eighth birthday. Coincidentally, Dean had chosen that weekend to visit Lisa for the first time in so many years and though it seemed unlikely, he'd always wondered if one thing had something to do with the other. In the year they had lived together, Ben had never once mentioned the incident in Dean's presence, so he was surprised to hear it come up now.
"Nothing is going to get to you, Ben. Not while I'm here. Sam and I will sleep in shifts so one of us will always be awake and watching. Okay?"
Ben nodded.
"Okay. Now. . . " Dean got up and went around the coffee table to the TV. He stooped to open the doors below the set to reveal a whole collection of video games. "Your pick. We play for one hour then up to bed."
"Need for Speed," said Ben and for the next hour they both pretended that life was normal.
# # #
After beating Dean two games to one, Ben tried to wheedle him into going again. A chance to even the score, he said, but Dean wasn't having it.
"To bed. We've got a big day tomorrow. We're going to light this place up like Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation."
"Huh?"
"Seriously?" Dean collected up the game controllers and shut down the unit. "Sounds like we're hitting Netflix, too. Your movie education is totally lacking." When he turned back around, Ben had crawled into the corner of the couch with a pillow in his lap and a look of pure dread on his face. "Hey. There's nothing to be afraid of. Whatever this thing is, I'm sure he's not here to hurt you. We just need to find a way to communicate with him, right?" Gently, he pried the pillow from Ben's lap then nudged him up with a push to the back of his head. "Come on. I'm beat."
"Sam's going to stay up?" Ben asked.
Sam, who had some time ago moved to the floor with his laptop looked up at the sound of his name. "I'll make the rounds every hour."
"Okay," Ben said begrudgingly. Dragging his feet, he went upstairs to his room with Dean right behind. Lisa was already there setting up an inflatable mattress beside the twin bed.
"I know this isn't the most comfortable place to sleep but it beats a blanket on the floor," she said as she unfurled a thin quilt over the works.
"I've slept in worse places." Dean meant it as a joke but it brought a frown, not a smile to her lips.
"I guess you have," she said softly. That done, she went to the dresser and pulled out pajamas for Ben. "You can skip the bath but wash up and brush your teeth. No skimping." She tossed the clothes to him then he headed for the bathroom across the hall. Once he was gone, she glanced around the room looking for any place to put her eyes but on Dean. "Is there anything else you need?"
"Lisa—"
"That pillow's kind of flat but it's the only spare one I have."
Which wasn't true because there were two perfectly good, very new pillows on the bed they used to share.
"Lisa. I don't want it to be like this. This tension. Can we just let it go until we solve this problem then I'll be out of your way again."
She tossed her head and for a moment her eyes raked over his body. "I don't. . . you're not in my way. It's just. . . "
"What?" He closed the gap between them and had her in his arms before either of them could think too much about it.
"It's hurts. Okay. I don't know how else to say it but you're ripping me up inside and I can't –" She stopped at the sound of the water going off in the bathroom. "It's all very confusing for Ben. He can't see us together like this. I don't want him to think everything is fine because it's not fine, Dean. It's not. And I'm sorry." She pulled away from him and made a dash for her own room before Ben could step out into the hall and see her crying.
Up to Dean to keep up the appearance, but truthfully, he was hurting, too. He hadn't figured on how hard it would be to be back in this house, to be this close to Lisa and not be able to slide next to her in bed.
Hunter mode. That was his only saving grace.
With his mind firmly on the case at hand, Dean unloaded a few items from his duffel. The rock salt sawed-off went under the bed where he could easily retrieve it from his lower spot on the inflatable mattress. Next he fired up the EMF detector and that was when Ben came back into the room.
"What's that?"
It went against everything Dean had ever promised himself, but he explained about the meter anyway. Told himself it was all about making Ben feel safe. This way, if a spirit did show up while they were sleeping, the noise of the EMF detector would wake Dean instantly and yes, he was sure.
Ben climbed into bed but instead of closing his eyes, he laid on his back staring straight up.
"Gonna have to do better than that," said Dean as he stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt. He was going to keep his jeans on but thought that would look too much like he was expecting trouble. With everything set, Dean gave Ben one more reassuring smile, then shut off the light on the bedside table. The darkness that followed wasn't complete as a bright moon was shining just outside the window. The perfect nightlight.
Dean lay down on the mattress which crunched and whined until he settled; got the blanket pulled up to his chin then realized it was damned cold. There was a draft blowing across the floor and he couldn't help but think about the soft, warm bed next door. He closed his eyes and his mind drifted to the last time he and Lisa had sex. It had started out a little frantic as he was still reeling from the whole 'Sam's back' and the 'djinn' are after us thing. But after a few minutes, she had calmed him. She had that ability. Pulling him back so it was slow and intense - more about making love than having sex.
The thought warmed him and comforted him until he realized that he might be remembering the last time they'd ever be together. That was the thought that stayed with him as he fell into a light sleep.
# # #
With Ben and Dean gone, Sam relocated himself back to the couch, the laptop open on the coffee table in front of him. He'd spent most of the last hour searching for signs of paranormal activity in the area but came up empty. No strange weather patterns. No unusual deaths. Boring town didn't even have a local ghost legend.
After that, he'd moved on to CNN, a couple of tech blogs and finally Amazon. It was nice to flip through the new DVDs and CDs and dream about what he'd buy if they were a normal family. Three years ago, they'd had a gas station Christmas which Sam had thrown together after Dean practically begged him to imbibe in some holiday cheer. After all, they expected it to be Dean's last Christmas ever, but that didn't turn out to be true. Last year they'd been a little too involved in averting the apocalypse to celebrate. But now, things were looking up. Sam had his soul back, Crowley was out of the picture and the only remaining loose end was Dean's relationship with Lisa. Even 24: The Complete Series wasn't going to be enough of a consolation prize if that didn't work out. But there was that other thing. Something Sam had been carrying around with him since he'd had a chance to retrieve it from its hiding place in the Impala. In the event of his own death at the hands of Lucifer, he'd put it somewhere Dean would find it, but after moving in with Lisa, Dean had pretty much abandoned the car he loved so much and with it the secret surprise.
Maybe now though. . .
Sam shifted at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. It was Lisa. She was carrying a blanket and a thick pillow.
"I wasn't sure if you were going sleep down here or stay up or what. . . " She set the bundle on the arm of the couch.
"Thanks. I'm going to stay up for a while, but I'll probably sleep here later when Dean gets up."
"Well, it gets cold down here because if I turn the heater up it gets way too hot upstairs so I have to . . . keep it low. . you know. . save energy. So, I'm going to bed and Dean and Ben are already in their room so. . . good night."
"For what it's worth," said Sam. "Sometimes I wish I hadn't come back, too."
He caught her off guard with that, then she blushed, obviously realizing he'd heard her earlier comments.
"I didn't mean it like that."
"I know what you meant. And I get it. Dean was finally settling down and I screwed that up. It wasn't my intention. I managed to stay clear of him for almost a year but when I saw he was in danger—"
"Wait? A year?"
"Yeah. I actually came back not long after Dean moved in here. I came that first day to tell him, but I saw him with you and Ben and I couldn't. . . which would be really funny if you knew the whole story."
"You could have ended this right then and there? You could have taken him out of here before my son got attached? Before my son let himself believe he'd always have a father to look up to?" Her fingers knotted in the pillow by her hand, squeezing it until the fabric bubbled up between her knuckles. "Before I fell so in love that I was physically sick when he left us for you? And what? I'm supposed to thank you for that?"
"I didn't know what would happen later. I didn't know that something would come for him."
"You should have known!" And somehow she managed to shout it without actually raising her voice. "Just like you should have known that he'd choose you over us in a second!"
"No. He didn't choose me over you. He chose hunting over being a father and husband, because it's what he knows. It's where he's comfortable. You talk about Ben having a role model; well our role model didn't teach us how to be a dad or a husband. He taught us how to be good hunters. That's it. That's all that ever matter to him, that we knew how to shoot straight and vanquish a ghost and track the kinds of monsters that other people only saw in their nightmares. That's how we were raised. Sleeping in the car, stealing food, conning people for change. All the nights that we went to bed as kids, wondering if our father was ever coming back. And you think Dean and I are unnaturally attached to each other? " Sam pushed up to his feet and took a breath, knew he should reign himself in but couldn't – didn't want to. "Ben doesn't know how good he's got it. I would bet you that he got more love and attention in the past year from Dean than he and I got in a lifetime from our father. Ben's lucky. Damned lucky."
She was crying now and he was glad. So much for having a soul back.
"Dean loves you both so much and you have no idea how hard that it is for him, to let himself love like that. I know you're scared and I know it sucks when he's gone, but he needs a home to come back to. He's earned it, and it's not right to punish him for my screw-ups."
"Punish him?" Lisa could barely choke the words out. "Let me tell you something. That first week after you disappeared, I thought I was going to come home from work and find him hanging from the ceiling fan. He did nothing but drink and cry and pound on the bricks of the house until his hands were bleeding. And when he was finally too exhausted to fight it anymore, he'd fall asleep and have nightmares so bad, the neighbors called the cops once because they thought someone was being murdered in our bedroom. My son was terrified but I still didn't kick him out. I held him and I rocked him and in the morning I cooked for him while Ben made idle conversation so we could feel normal. And even after that passed, he still drank too much, kept loaded guns all over the house, beat himself up constantly over his inability to be a good husband and father." She wasn't choking the words out now, now she was strengthened by her own fire. "You can blame that on your father if it makes you feel better, but it wasn't the lack of a role model that made him bad at it. It was fear. He was afraid to be normal, Sam. Afraid he might learn to love it or afraid that he'd hate it, I'm not sure which. But he was afraid. From the moment he turned up on my doorstep to the moment he saw you again – he was afraid and trying hard not to let it show. That's exhausting, even for the likes of Dean Winchester."
Beaten back by her unexpected response, Sam was at a loss for words. Lisa took a breath, dragged her hands through her hair then fully turned to face him. Obviously, she wasn't done.
"All I've ever wanted was for Dean to be happy and if that means he has to go back to hunting with you, then so be it. I was ready to accept that and I told him so. "
Sam laughed softly. "That's all I want for him, too. For him to be happy, even if it means giving up hunting so he can be with you."
Lisa shook her head as a flat smile crossed her lips. "Dean's a lucky fellow, to have two people who love him so much, they're both willing to give him up. Good night, Sam."
"Good night."