Her fingers trace the scar on her heel, once, twice, again and again until she can't feel the difference between the smooth skin of her heel and her fingertips. Her eyes haven't touched the reddish mark since their first glance, staring instead out at the sea, watching the waves crash in again and again and again. Steady, consistent. So unlike anything her life had ever been.
What had her life been?
She feels her breath coming in shallow pants as her brain struggles to remember where she'd gotten that scar, tries to piece together a life that had been scattered, miserable at times, but hers. Audrey Parker's. She'd been chasing Lucy Ripley so fiercely, believing so much in the sanctity of truth, and now suddenly she's here and she's too much. Far too much.
She shudders once, violently, and pulls the sock over the offending scar frantically. Presses her head into her knees and tries desperately to erase the past day from her mind. But the thoughts and images and memories that may or may not be hers keep swirling in vivid color replay across her vision, blurring reality with the tears balanced in her eyes. She raises her face and blinks once, shaking her head as though to knock out the knowledge. To erase Haven from her life.
She feels hands on her shoulders and yelps, her voice betraying her with a slight tremble. She hears Nathan's voice speak her name in his gravelly monotone and forces her eyes to focus, shoves her thoughts back far enough to let her function.
She realizes she's shaking when she sees his arms doing the same, and before her mind can stop her she's falling forward against his chest. His hands release her shoulders as he wraps his arms gingerly around her, and despite her shock she finds herself feeling safer than she has in a long time. Nathan is warm and here and home. As her body slowly relaxes into his she finds herself sobbing, finds that she has finally reached the limit of what she can handle in this bizarre town. And Nathan is here, his arms tightening as her body loosens, and as she breathes in his scent she finds her mind again unable to process the absolute safety she feels with the complete dissociation of only moments before. Nathan is rocking her slowly and she can tell he's scared by the tightening of his grip. She wants to reassure him, wants to tell him that she's really ok, but she's shaking and shaking and it occurs to her that maybe she's not. She feels like James and Michael, feels like she's being pulled in a million different directions and the only thing holding her together is Nathan.
"Nathan…" she chokes his name, and he only tightens his arms again.
"Right here, Audrey. I'm right here." She feels warmth spread slowly through her, combating the dark despair that had threatened to consume her, and her body jerks with the effort of holding herself together. It had been so long since she'd cried, so long since she'd allowed any emotion to truly manifest itself, and she didn't know that she really remembered how. And here was Nathan, the man who couldn't feel, teaching her that she did. She would laugh at the absurdity if she didn't know it would only turn into a sob.
Nathan's hands are gentle as they stroke through her hair, and she feels herself melting into his touch. He notices her response and does it again, slowly, methodically, and she lets herself relax, lets her body slowly calm down. With her eyes closed she can almost believe that it was all a dream, that the only reality is here and now and fingers in her hair.
He doesn't contest her, not for a while.
When she's stopped shaking and her breathing has slowed to a normal pace, he untangles his fingers and pulls back slightly to look down at her. She almost whimpers at the loss of his warmth but he's still there, still grounding her. She wonders if he realizes how much she needs him right now.
"Audrey." His voice is soft, gentle in a way she's never heard, and she feels a tremor run through her that he's using it for her. "What happened?"
All the memories flood back into her mind and before she can think her body is reacting, her heart racing and breath coming in harsh gasps. Nathan's hands are on her face, cupping her cheeks, and she finds her eyes forced to meet his. She realizes he's saying her name, over and over, and bites her tongue hard enough to draw blood.
"My name is Audrey Parker," she whispers, and Nathan pulls her against his chest again gently.
"Of course it is," he answers softly, and she loves him all the more for not doubting her sanity. Because she certainly is. "Audrey, talk to me." His hand is running slow circles on her back, talking to her, and she closes her eyes and lays her head sideways against his chest.
"I touched a man who wasn't there," she starts, her voice muffled. "James was in a million places at once and I touched him and pulled him together and…" she trails off, the events still unprocessed.
"James Garrick?" Nathan asks, and she nods into his chest.
"He was never on the boat. He had a seizure and he… he disappeared. He's here but he can't… he can't stay. But when I touched him I could hold him here. I could-" She breaks off and pulls herself away sharply as her body finally rebels, and she retches violently. It's only moments before Nathan's hands are on her shoulders again, steadying her, and she'd be embarrassed at the situation if she wasn't so damn exhausted. She thinks of James and throws up again, her stomach empty of food and just spewing bile. Nathan's thumbs stroke her shoulders gently and she tries to focus on his touch, tries desperately to ground herself.
"Deep breaths," he murmurs to her, and she obeys. He releases one shoulder to reach up and brush a strand of hair off her sweaty forehead, and she moans slightly and lowers her head to rest on her knees where they curl on the ground. She hates that he is seeing her like this but the thought of pulling herself together is just too terrifying, so she lets him place a gentle hand on her back. She just lays there for a few minutes, sobbing quietly into her knees while he runs his hand soothingly up and down her spine. After a little while he grips her shoulders and pulls her upright and against him again, cradling her tenderly.
"It's ok," he whispers, and she wants so badly to believe him. "Whatever happened, whatever happens, we'll get through it together." Audrey trembles at his words, hating the nagging doubt that tears at her. That this will fall apart just like everything else has, that in the end Nathan will leave and she'll be all alone again.
But right now he is here, and she can't help burrowing deeper into his embrace, letting his warmth chase back the darkness.
His voice breaks through her thoughts. "I need you to believe that, Audrey. I'm not going to leave you. This is your home as long as you choose to stay here, okay?" She realizes the acuity of that statement and feels the panic rise again. Knows Nathan can feel her heart racing when he reaches up to cradle her head in the palm of his hand softly.
"It can wait," he tells her. "Whatever happened, it can wait, okay? Right now you just need to breathe. Just stay with me." She lets him sooth her, listens to the waves rush in and out and tries to empty her mind. But the image of Lucy in the paper and James' words won't leave her thoughts.
"James told me about Lucy," she says, her voice so small she hardly recognizes it as her own. "Told me she helped him stay together, twenty-seven years ago." Nathan stays silent, his chin resting lightly on the crown of her head and his hand making circles on her back. "He said… he said once it was so hard he shattered some glass, and she stepped on it. Said she was bleeding and bleeding and still held him together." She bites her lip and squeezes her eyes tightly shut, thankful for Nathan's patience. She opens her mouth to continue, but finds that words fail her. His arm tightening around her calls attention to her escalating breath, and she presses one hand to her forehead. Then, hesitantly, she uncurls her leg and pulls her sock off again, slowly. Turning her foot so he can see the sole, she leans back dismally against his chest. He reaches out slowly to touch the scar, running his fingers over the smooth tissue much as she had not long ago.
"I don't remember how I got it," she whispers, pulling her knees back up to her chest and wrapping her arms tightly around them. "Nathan, I don't know how I got that. I don't know… I don't know who I am. What I am. Who I've been. I don't know anything anymore." As she speaks her voice became more and more hysterical, and Nathan's arms reach out to encircle her entire body.
"You're Audrey Parker," he murmurs. "You are one of the most amazing women I've ever met, and your name is Audrey Parker. Whatever else you are, that's who you are first. That's the person I know. The friend I love." His voice is firm, and there is no trace of doubt or hesitation. "You hear me?" he demands, and she just presses her face against his chest, wet with tears. "Audrey, look at me. Look at me." She lifts her head slowly and watches in confusion as he holds one hand out, palm up. She glances at his face.
"Trust me," he tells her, and because she does she places her own hand on his. He raises his other hand to caress hers gently before lifting it to place it carefully on his cheek, closing his eyes as he does. And Audrey can only stare as he lowers his own hands, and her fingers unconsciously stroke his cheek. He's trembling and a slight sigh escapes his lips, and Audrey can't process it. She just can't.
"You can…?" He nods against her hand, eyes still closed. And she's still staring, her fingers motionless with shock, and then her arms are around his neck and she's holding him desperately, desperately. And as she feels his nails digging into her back she knows that he's clutching her just as urgently, that she grounds him in touch just as he grounds her in calm. She feels her cheek warm against his and realizes that he can feel it too, and knowing that she can bring him some comfort makes the ending of her world seem not quite so horrific. She isn't sure she can fully grasp the gravity of what he's just told her, or shown her, and the realization slaps her in the face and brings her to cold sobriety in a matter of moments.
She pulls back carefully, keeping as much of her body in contact with him as she can while still looking into his eyes.
"How long have you known?" she asks softly, and he shrugs. She can feel him trembling still, and can't even begin to understand what he's going through. And how much he has already gone through, not being able to feel a thing…
"Since… since the shadow man. Since you… you kissed my cheek." His voice is soft, hesitant, and Audrey stills at his words. Then she reaches up slowly to place one hand on his cheek, stroking the skin lightly, and Nathan closes his eyes with a slight moan. Audrey leans back against his chest slowly, wrapping her arms firmly around him and running her fingers through his hair. She knows how good it feels to her, and can only imagine what it must feel like to someone who hasn't felt a thing in twenty-odd years.
They sit there while the sun slowly sinks toward the ocean, holding each other together, and Audrey finds herself wondering how she ever lived without Nathan Wuornos. How they both managed to keep themselves sane for so long. When the sun starts to set and a cold wind starts blowing in off the sea, Nathan stirs and shifts to look down at her.
"You look like crap, Parker."
Audrey giggles, then finds herself laughing with a hysteria that sounds close to madness.
"Come on," he murmurs, while she wipes at her eyes. "Let me take you home." She stares at him for a moment, wondering if this is real. If there's any way she can truly have a friend like Nathan. It seems beyond comprehension. But she's too tired to try to work it out, and Nathan is here. And so she nods and starts to stand, but her legs give out and Nathan catches her against his chest.
"If you were doing everything you said you were with James today, you must be beyond exhausted," he mumbles into her hair, and she's too tired to argue when he lifts her effortlessly off the ground. She lets her head fall against his chest and wraps her arms tightly around his neck, letting him cradle her protectively as he walks along the beach toward her home.
"I've got you," he whispers to her, and she burrows deeper into his warmth. "You're safe. You're home." And for the first time in her life, she truly believes those words.
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