Moving on ...

Author's Note: I finally noticed that I never posted my very first fanfic here. It's merely a short vignette I wrote after reading X-Wing : Wraith Squadron for the very first time.

Dramatis Personae:
Myn Donos (human male from Corellia)

Timeframe: last scene of X-Wing : Wraith Squadron

Green Beach – Borleias – 1:48 p.m. local time

The sun of the Pyria System is shining. Inside me there´s only darkness.

It´s pretty warm and humid. Inside I feel cold.

I am alive. But where is the reason for living if you´ve nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for?

We have accomplished our mission. But was it worth the price we, the price I paid?

I can hear joyful laughter. I feel like crying.

But I can´t cry. Crying would show weakness and nobody must know of my weakness. I have to remain strong, for those who can´t be strong themselves, for the dead Talons, for Falynn and Grinder.

But why? Why am I denied to cry? And why do I deny myself to cry?

Why has fate chosen me to be the one who's getting hurt? Why do I have to endure so much pain? What did I do to deserve that fate?

It hurts. It hurts more than I thought possible. Could she have meant this much to me? I got to know her just a few weeks ago. Was she my reason for living?

Maybe.

Once my reason for living was justice. It died on that worthless moon along with my squadron.

Then I lived for vengeance. I now have avenged my friends, at least partially, but I can´t taste the sweetness of triumph. Because she is gone and my victory is worthless.

I'd dreamed of that moment, I'd envisioned the sweet taste of victory and how that would make me complete again, I'd run through the moment in slow motion countless times - the moment when I'd finally kill the murderer of my friends. It was not like I had imagined it. When my torpedo hit him, turned his ship into dust and debris along with him, there was no sweetness of triumph, no sharp sting of vengeance satisfied. Killing Trigit did not free me; I'm still caught up in the nightmare that begun at Gravan Seven.

I see myself looking through a viewport of Home One, staring at the stars, asking myself what to do. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn, look into a tired face.

"Good shot, Lieutenant." It´s General Crespin.

"Thank you, Sir." I fake a smile, I don´t feel like smiling at all.

The General stares out of the viewport, remains silent for a while. I begin to wonder what he´s up to.

"I just wanted to tell you that I won´t report the things you said during the battle. I know too well what you´ve been through."

I remain impassive. He must not know how I feel inside. "Thank you, Sir."

He turns to leave, but stops one last time. "Don´t give up, Lieutenant. Move on or he will have his victory at last," he says and I know whom he's talking about. Then he´s gone and I´m alone again.

That was yesterday. Right now I´m tired. I haven´t slept much last night. I keep seeing her - her roguish smile, the twinkle in her eyes. I keep hearing her laughter, her giggles, her voice.

Did I love her? I don´t know. Maybe. I don't know what that feels like because I never let a woman get that close before.

Two months ago I met her for the first time. I merely noted her presence, just as I'd noticed the presence of the other Wraiths. I remained in my shell, tried not to feel anything.

But finally they got through, my new friends. They pulled me out of it, forced me to face life again. And she gave me enough encouragement to begin my way back. I´ve got to find a reason to move on. I owe it to her.

But not now. The wound is still too fresh, the memory still too new. Right now all I can do is mourn her, spend my grief and try to keep going. Maybe I´ll find a new reason for living along the way and maybe I´ll find the woman who is destined to share my life.

All I´ve left right now is my dignity. This is the crutch that keeps me upright. Actually, no ... no that´s not quite true. There is more - my rediscovered self-respect and my new friends. I have shoulders to lean on, I am not alone. 'Thank you,' I think.

I look up at the light-blue sky. 'Rest in peace, Falynn Sandskimmer. I will never forget you. And I promise to move on, to live the life you gave me back. One day I´ll see you again.'

I tightly grab the Talon-Squadron badge that I carried around as reminder of my failure. For the last time I seek the memories it induces before flinging it into the azure water.

Time to move on ...