The Reason Is You
Summary: /Slightly AU One Shot Songfic/ Charlie sits alone, contemplating what had occurred over a matter of days between him and Claire.
A/N: Some is taken from the show itself. Some I made up in my overly creative mind. I've also noticed that I'm unable to write fluffy C&C, so while I work on trying to fix that, please enjoy this angsty piece.
Also, I might write a sequel to this, to kind of follow season three...but I'd want to keep it a song-fic, and I can't seem to think of a good song to fit the storyline, so if you guys can think of any...just shout them out.
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
Charlie Pace wasn't perfect, that he knew. As he sat on a small rock formation, staring out into the ocean. He had done many things in his life that he had prayed many times, that he could take back. He hated being a junkie, well, an ex-junkie. He also hated hurting people that he cared for. Right now, he was hurting the one person he cared the most for. He looked over in her direction. She was holding Aaron into her chest, as she peered out into the ocean. Either she didn't know that he was there, or she didn't care. Either way, it hurt him. It hurt him to know that he meant so little to her. Of course, he didn't blame her from shutting him out, of course not. If he was in her position, he'd do the same thing, or at least that's what he told himself. He hadn't lied when he said that he wasn't using though, but then again, he had lied about what was in the statue. Why should she believe that he wasn't lying right now. She shouldn't, he hadn't earned her trust, and he knew that after the stunt he pulled the other day, that he'd be lucky if she so much as even looked at him again.
Charlie placed his fingers over the strings of his beaten up red guitar. He strummed one note, before letting his hand fall beside him. He hadn't been able to play one good song since Claire had booted him out. Hell he couldn't even get a note right, how could he even get a song right. He let his head hang, embarrassed by the fact that he had been totally screwed up by one girl. He'd never been so lost over a girl before, although he had never been in love before either. Was that it? Did he love Claire? He wasn't entirely sure, but it sure as hell felt something along the lines of love.
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
It had been a few days since he had saw Claire silently torturing him. Showing him, what it was that he was missing. Looking absolutely beautiful in the rays of the late afternoon sun, holding the small infant in her arms. It was almost as if to say, 'This Charlie Pace, is what you bloody well screwed all to hell.'
"Dammit!" Charlie yelled out.
He was glad no one was around at that particular time. All he needed was to give them all more proof that he was on drugs again. Even though he wasn't using, screaming at yourself, and taking babies in the middle of the night...apparently that means your high off your ass. Charlie laughed in a self-depricing way. Never once during any of his high's, had he even thought of doing something so...horrible. Then again, Claire made him absolutely crazy, and she refused to listen to him because he had lied. He had tried to tell her in a calm way. That was until Kate literally pushed him away. Claire had been listening, or at least he thought so. Damn Kate, he thought. It was all her fault that he had to stoop to taking Aaron from his crib. That he had to take him out into the ocean to baptize him, himself. Charlie shook his head at himself. 'Your a daft, daft man, Charlie Pace.' He screamed at himself.
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
Another few days had passed. Everyday Charlie sat in the same place, and everyday Claire sat in the same place. Charlie sighed, hating himself more and more for hurting her the way he did. He sat his guitar down, before standing up. He swiped the dirt from his pants. He pulled his T-shirt down, trying to come up with the courage to at least try and talk to her. He needed her to know that he was sorry...truly sorry for everything. With that, he took a deep breath, and started toward her. He had saw Locke leave her side, only moments earlier. At least no one would be around when she rejected his apology. He knew she would, but he figured he would at least feel a little better if she knew that he was sorry for what he had done.
He stood just inches from her. He was almost certain that she didn't know he was there.
"What do YOU want?" Claire asked nastily.
"I just..I uh..."
"I don't have time for stammer and stutter, so either you have something to say, or you can leave," Claire said, her eyes never leaving the deep blue ocean view she was currently enjoying, or at least pretending to enjoy.
"I just needed you to know that I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to, it was the furthest thing from my mind. I only wanted to protect you...to protect Aaron. That's all Claire," Charlie sighed.
"You wanted to protect us? To keep us safe? Is that why you had a statue full of heroin baggies? To protect us? Just leave me alone. Just go away. I don't need your protection Charlie. I never needed it, or for that matter, I never wanted it either."
Charlie just stood there, a dumb-struck look on his face. It felt as if Claire had jabbed a knife straight through his heart, and he could tell that she didn't even care that she had did it.
"I said leave," she said, almost inaudible, but Charlie's ears picked it up.
With that, he turned and left. His heart broken into millions of pieces. Tears were in his eyes, as he realized for the first time, that Claire wasn't just mad at him. She hated him, maybe she always had. Maybe she had just been nice to him before. Make friends with the sick junkie, make him feel wanted. Yeah, pity, that's all it was. Here he was, head over heels for her, and all she could do was have pity on the British junkie.
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
Charlie tossed and turned that whole night. After a few hours, knowing sleep wasn't coming, he sat up, his arms slung over his knees as he quietly sobbed. Realizing that he deserved the treatment he was getting from Claire. Not necessarily for his 'crimes' on the island. No this was god's way of punishing him for all of his crimes. All of his sins. His body jumped and jerked violently. God was punishing him for being a sinner. Hell, God probably hated him, for all he knew. He had been a bloody awful person, Liam had corrupted him over to the dark side of life. Could he really blame Liam fully? No, Charlie was his own man. He didn't have to take that hit of heroin. He didn't have to drink like he did. He didn't have to sleep with every pretty girl that batted her eyes his way. No, he didn't have to do all those things, but he could however blame Liam for pushing him into the whole band gig. Charlie hadn't wanted a part of it. He didn't want to live that kind of lifestyle. He wasn't a daft man, not back then. Not before he fried his brain out with drugs and alcohol. No he knew what that lifestyle brought with it. In the long run, it only brought heartache, and heart break, and Charlie hadn't wanted to do it. Liam though, he never was one to settle for no, and Charlie had never been one to win against his brother.
Charlie wiped his eyes when the tears subsided, jumping slightly at the feel of a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," the voice was quiet, and breaking slightly, sounding as if she had been crying herself. "I didn't mean it Charlie. I did need you, and I was glad you were there. That doesn't change what you did. It doesn't change the fact that you lied to me, that you stole Aaron from me. That you hurt me so badly. I never would have dreamt that you would do that Charlie. That you'd take Aaron like that. What made you do that Charlie? Are you using? Were you lying this whole time? I want to be able to forgive you at some point, but if that's going to happen, I'm going to need you to be truthful with me."
Charlie's body shook from the sobs, he stole himself for a second. Trying to ready and answer without his voice shaking and cracking like he knew it would.
"There is no need to apologize Claire. I deserved everything you said to me. I'm a god-awful bloody person. I never deserved to be with you, to be near Aaron. I see that now. To answer your question, no I was not using. I wasn't lying about that. I don't need that stuff anymore. I hate the person I became when I used, and you...You helped me through it. Even if you didn't know that you were doing it, you did. If it hadn't been for you, I probably would have started using when I saw that heroin. I've just been sitting here thinking about my pre-island life, and I'm not proud of the person I was Claire. And with how much I'd love to blame my brother for it, it's not fully his fault. Hell, it's not even half his fault. Yes he pushed me into the band, but I'm my own person, I made the choice to take that first drink. I made the choice to take that first hit. I made every choice on my own, and yeah I did it to fit in with my brother, but that is no excuse," Charlie paused his head hanging.
Claire was glad he wasn't looking up, otherwise he would have saw the tears that had formed in her eyes. She had never saw Charlie be so open, so honest. She wasn't sure she was liking where this talk of his past was leading, but she had known that he had been a drug addict. She looked back toward him, when she heard him start talking again.
"I've been making excuses for who I was for the longest time, but I'm done. I'm over it. Yes Claire, I used to be a bloody awful person. I used to be a drug addict, but not anymore...not ever again. I do care about you, but I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see or talk to me again. I just need you to know, that this past week has been hell on me. It's hurt me so badly, to know that I hurt you. It was never my intention. Like I said earlier, all I ever wanted to do, was protect you. To save you...to just be there for you. Even if only as a friend."
With that Charlie let his head hang. He heard Claire sniffle slightly, before standing up and leaving him.
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
It had been a week since Charlie had basically bared his soul to Claire. It had only been a day since she had finally allowed him back into her life. She had kissed him, really kissed him just the night before. She held his hand, and kissed him, and Charlie was livid. It was his second chance, and he be damned if he was going to screw this up. Life might be a bitch, as some people would say, but he was going to be the best he could for Claire. He rocked Aaron back and forth, as he quickly fell back into a peaceful sleep. Charlie was glad that it hadn't woken Claire. He always had liked watching her sleep. She always seemed so peaceful when she was asleep. He had finally been given a clean slate. He had been completely and fully honest, and he was granted a clean slate. It was time for him to prove to Claire that he did indeed deserve this, that he deserved her.