Simply Kathryn
Sydney Alexis
Disclaimer: Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay are all Paramount's.
Captain:
Sorrow. Profound sorrow had entered my heart. Somehow, being in the dark help sooth the pain, but not by much. I stand by the window and watch the stars streak by. It was my fascination in them that drew me to this life. Had I know how things would turn out, I am not certain that I would return here. Alone in a place where I was the only leader. The lives of hundreds rest solely on my shoulders. Not only must I keep this ship out of harm, but I must maintain the sense of our original mission statement. I must live and act by the words of the Prime Directive. And so, I stand here in my quarters...alone. Always alone. I am not able to have the emotions that others do. I can't just take the day off if I am not in the mood. When I stand on that bridge, tall and proud, I am encouraging them on. They need that presence. They go on, living each day, hopefully having some enjoyment out of some moment. I, however, do not have that luxury. Speaking to other people about emotions simply shows my own weaknesses, fallacies. As their elected leader, I cannot show that side of myself. I have to be in command of all my senses at all times. I have to...I have to ignore my feelings. Hide them. Taking time to examine my feelings would just be a waste of time. I already know what all my concerns, dreams, even fantasies would center around or rather who. Everything would be a great deal simpler if we could find a way back home....No, that's a lie as well. After listening to the Admiral's message, I am left to think that, should we return, my Maquis officers would be arrested. I know I will fight for them. Heaven knows that this trip alone is enough punishment. Being isolated from family and friends, not seeing your home world, provided they had one left at all... I am just fearful they will be imprisioned.
Tom doesn't speak of the penal colony they had him in that often. I do know that, while within the regulations for a humane environment, it is a place that breaks men's souls. After my time as a prisoner of war, I was more then able to understand what he went through. I also know that condemning members of my crew to that future is something I could not live with.
I am more then certain that they will go over every log when we return and also try to find fault with me as well. Standard protocol and the Prime Directive are only the perfect ideals of what a good Starfleet captain should do at all times. However, in the Delta Quadrant, those ideals cannot always be followed.
With so many fears of what could be, I have even thought of just stopping...finding a planet that is uninhabited and setting anchor. It could just be for a few months, years, or a lifetime. The idea appeals. Knowing that, even if for a few hours, I could be just Kathryn and not captain.
My door chimes again. I glance at the chronometer. At well past midnight only one person would dare knock. I pull my robe tighter around my frame.
"Come."
Commander:
The voice that allows me access is powerful, calm, but the vision before the glass is different. Her form is too thin. Her eyes are dull and devoid of emotion. Dark circles have formed beneath them. Her skin is pale. She is still, quite. She is waiting for me to speak first. I move towards her, stand behind her. I place my hand on her shoulder and she turns. Her best mask is up. A brave facade that she has learned to throw up to fool those around her. I, however, know better.
She sits on the window seat, her back to the stars. A thin smile crosses her lips.
"At 0034 I am guessing this isn't a business call."
"No. It's not," I say, taking a seat beside her.
She folds her hands in her lap and looks down at them. I see her struggling to maintain composure. Her breath is deep and uneven.
"Then what is it you've come to talk to me about?" Her voice shakes, stops. It's as if she has more to add on...unsure of how to address me. Things had been like this since New Earth. Every day was a new test of boundaries, and I was usually the one doing the testing.
"I came to speak with you because I was worried. You seem...withdrawn lately."
She laughs slightly, perhaps at the absurdity of the moment, but her eyes tell another story. They are clouded, conflicted. I place my hand on her knee. She does not pull back to which I am surprised.
"Did you ever study mythology, Chakotay?"
"Some. Thought not a great deal. Why?"
"When I was a child, my mother gave me a small book that was filled with Roman and Greek Mythology. One of the stories in it was of a god tricked into holding Earth on his shoulders."
"Atlas. Yes, I recall the story."
I search her face, and see pain there. The mask is slipping. I only hope she won't push me away.
Kathryn:
His hand is on my knee and all I can think is how soft it is..how long it has been. Then the rational side returns and I recall who I am. The captain. I am in charge of keeping this crew safe. He is a subordinate. The heat of his hand. Oh god..it's been such a long time since I have let anyone in. My eyes well up with tears, my heart is screaming, but my mind is filled with protocol, directive, and guilt. I know that it is fear and duty that are keeping me silent, but still I cannot ignore protocol.
I begin to tell him about the book that I thumbed through earlier. The one that started me in the train of thought I was on when he came in.
"Sometimes you feel like him. Balancing the needs of the crew with your own."
I nodded slowly. "It plagues me. The constant question of where does the captain's life stop and Kathryn's life begin."
I hear the words and cannot believe that I am saying them. Opening myself up like this was out of character for me. Yet, I don't stop myself. Release is what he is offering me, and I am accepting it. I place my hand his, and he smiles.
Tomorrow, I would be able to blame the wine I had ingested or sleep deprivation. Tonight, however, I was going to cleanse my spirit in the hopes that, someday, he would forgive me.
"Do you remember when we were on New Earth and you told me that 'legend' of yours?"
Chakotay:
Her voice is so distant and yet so free. The words coming from her tumble out without her thinking of consequence, and I begin to wonder how much wine is left in the bottle beside her.
She leans out and covers my hand with hers. The soft skin wraps around my own, and I can't help but close my eyes for a second. I know that I am here only as her friend, but I drink in the moment, her scent. I am still enamored with her. However, I know that she must make the first move. I force my eyes open and focus on her words.
She speaks of New Earth and my heart skips a beat. I nod my head to her question, afraid to break whatever spell has been cast upon her.
"That night, I started to do what I always do by hiding in my bed. It was then that I realized what you had offered me...love, a family, warm arms to hold me when things were rough. I wanted to shy away, to hide because I wasn't sure that I deserved it or that I wanted it. You know that I am fiercely independent woman. The idea of someone wanting to take care of me... scared me.
"In those moments, I realized the feelings I had for you. I was just so afraid of loosing myself in you. Your hand touched mine, your fingers interlaced with mine, and, in that moment, I was at peace. I never thought that Voyager would reappear..."
She's trembling, crying. She looks so fragile. Her words are incredible. From the moment that I touched her on that planet, I knew. On the ship, however, she would only allow simple touches. Nothing more, nothing less. The exquisite torture of living next door, hearing her cry through the walls at night, and not be sure of if I should come in and comfort her.
"... I almost wish they hadn't. I had grown so happy there. I didn't have to worry about anyone or anything but us.
"Sometimes I sit in the mess hall and watch Tom and B'Elanna and grow jealous. The look in Tom's eyes when he sees her is the same you hold in yours when you see me, but yours are closely guarded. The difference is that he can reach out and hold her hand in the middle of the mess hall and no one thinks anything of it..."
I laugh a bit at the image in my mind. "I do recall the one time I tired that in the mess hall. The rumors were flying..and the look you gave me."
She began to laugh as well. The sound of it was sweet. She leaned against me. An act she has not done but once before. And yet, it seems so natural.
"I really do think that the crew sees us more as parents. I mean, who wants to think about their parents actually having a relationship?" I muse.
"Point taken. I guess that would make me your 'old lady.'" She laughs. "An appropriate title when compared to those aboard."
"Kathryn, that wasn't really fair. Sure you are a bit older then those aboard..."
"If you are about to say I am more experienced leader because of it, I will have to throw you out." She chuckles.
"Think of it this way. Starfleet gave you this post because they knew you were strong enough to handle it. If they gave command to just anyone, think of how many ships they would have to build in a year."
"Hindsight is 20/20, Chakotay. If I had to take this post, knowing what I know now..."
My heart sinks. I don't know that I can bear this line of thought. I hear myself speaking my thoughts before I can stop them. It is an old defense mechanism of mine.
"You would have declined and lived out a full, happy life with Mark. You'd probably even have a few children by now."
Kathryn:
He speaks Mark's name, and his eyes grow dark. The mention of marriage to him and children made his body still. Albeit unconsciously, I know that he hates the idea of me mourning for my loss of love. He saw the pain in my eyes after I read Mark's 'Dear John' letter. But I knew that his eyes didn't grow dark just out of the hatred you feel for someone that hurt a friend. This was more intense, deeper.
"No, that's not what I was going to say. I wouldn't trade my experiences on Voyager for what you may perceive to be a better life for me. While the prospect of marrying Mark was what I thought I wanted at the time, I know now that isn't the life I would want."
"It isn't?"
The timbre of his voice changes slightly. Higher in level, full of a hint of hope. I smile at him, squeeze his hand. Should I continue? My heart, this time, is screaming yes. My head is filling with a dozen quotes, stories, and protocol leading me to want to stop. The look in his eyes are so hopeful....my heart wins.
"The children, perhaps, but that life...Chances are that we won't find an easy fix to this. Chances are that neither you nor I will see the Alpha Quadrant again. I couldn't expect Mark to wait for me. Even if he did, I wouldn't be able to have children at that age. And my better judgement tells me that he and I would be different people. I know that I've changed. In some ways for the better, I hope."
I feel myself losing resolve. I must try to focus a bit more. My voice is starting to tremble again. I draw in a deep breath and plunge ahead.
"The only reason I wish I had declined this mission is also the only reason I wouldn't."
He looked up at me, meeting my eyes. They are full of questions, but he remains silent. I am grateful. I know that the sound of his voice would make me loose all resolve.
"I know this is going to sound cliche, but, if I hadn't taken this position, I never would have met you. You've brought so much into my life without even knowing it: you act like a beacon if light, drawing me back when I have slipped to far into dark habits. Most of all, I've learned restraint."
His eyes light up as I continue, a cautious smile spreading across his lips.
"Restraint? I wasn't expecting that one. Let me guess; you're really a Betaziod and have been picking up the dreams I've had."
I laugh at his omission, wishing that I was as free a spirit as him. In some ways, he was a great deal braver then I was. On New Earth, he had told me, albeit through a thinly veiled cover, that he had feelings for me. If I had had the courage then...
"Hmm..is there something you want to tell me, Chakotay?"
"I think I have said enough. Please, continue. I didn't mean to interrupt."
Chakotay:
I'm not sure I know how to feel. She is beginning to tell me everything that I have longed to hear. Yet, I cannot wonder what will happen after this conversation is through. Will she tell me it didn't happen in the morning? Will she disappear behind protocol? I don't know that I could survive months of tense interactions with her. Perhaps I should stop her before she says something that she cannot take back...
She is looking down at her hands again. Her left hand is still covering mine while the right is clinging to her robe. Her knuckles have grown white as if that scrap of fabric is her lifeline. She released her grip slowly. A smile crosses her lips as if she has found an answer she was searching for.
"I suppose I am stalling..."
"If you don't want to continue..." I start to interrupt her, but she nods her head slowly to stop me.
"I do want to continue. That is the problem. I am afraid that, once out in the open, things between us will never be the same."
I am intrigued by her statement. 'Things will never be the same?'...
"You know how I feel about you. Those feelings won't change. If you choose to stay friends, then..."
She halted my thoughts with one, simple movement. She placed her hand on my cheek, and drew her slender fingers down my face. The palm of her hand rested beneath my chin, drawing it up to meet her glance, while her thumb traced the length of my lips. I drew in a deep, uneven breath. My mind became cluttered with a million different thoughts.
"Chakotay..." she started in a deep whisper. Her eyes starting to tear again.
Rather then finishing her words, she moves closer to me. Her hands wrapping around my neck. Her lips finding mine. She kisses me. It's soft and gentle...I start to kiss her back. I can feel her mouth pull up into a smile.
"This isn't going to be easy," I whisper.
"I know." She said in return. "But, at this moment, I don't really give a damn about protocol."
I pull her tighter into my arms, content in that knowledge that, for one night, she is just simply Kathryn.
End File