Silence of the Spam
(A Supermarket Murder Mystery)
by Michael J Paluka (Xebot)
a bloody murder down in aisle nine
a tomato murdered while still in its prime
the policeman said it looks to him
like the "Supermarket Killer" has struck again
a page-one story for the papers
a few days later, way across town
a bunch of carrots were gunned right down
the FBI knew this case was hot
so they assigned a female, rookie cop
the chief could take the credit later
the chief said to her you've got to meet
the freak they call the "Mad Beet"
the Beet said, "there's one way to solve this case;
put a sale on produce and stake out the place
but you've got to do it alone."
the silence of the Spam before the grill
been waiting so long for the kill
'cause no one eats that stuff today
all the vegans will always say:
"get your greasy, salty butt out my kitchen!"
she waited all night in the produce bin
she waited and waited and waited again
from the dairy section she heard a sneeze
she pulled out her gun and yelled out, "freeze!"
it was a dozen murderous eggs!
they said they were tired of being second cheese
to the veggies and the fruits 'cause of calories
the salads and the pastas had to be stopped
and the eggs and the Spam take their place back on top
were they belonged
she arrested all twelve but they just scoffed
'cause the handcuffs she had kept falling off
so she took them downtown in a donut sack
and grilled them in a dark room in the back
and the police had donut omelets