A/N: Well, this is an idea I had in my head, inspired by my friend nikole salvatore. I wrote this in my random freetime (United States definition of freetime: the time teenagers have when they are procrastinating in the middle of physics class). This is a funny one shot crack fic made only for fun. Enjoy!

"Well, brother, I'm hungry," Stefan said. "Let's go find some hot girls to eat."

"I'm impressed, brother," Damon said. "Though I am a bit angry. I tried to get you off your bunny diet for a year and couldn't; now here comes Klaus the dick who gets you hooked on human blood in a day? What gives?"

"I did it to save you, though why anyone would want to—"

"Thanks, brother."

He meant it sincerely, Stefan noticed. Too bad he was beyond caring.

"Come on, to Victoria's Secret we go," Stefan announced.

O-o-O

"So what's the plan?" Stefan asked when they got there.

"Well, I'm thinking...you go in, compel two girls to come out with you, we take them to a dark alley and eat," Damon said. "Get me a brunette. I love those brunettes."

"Why am I going in?"

"Because, my dear brother, if anyone is walking into Victoria's Secret at the risk of a girl running out screaming, 'Rape!' it'll be you."

Stefan walked in and was lost among the lingerie in seconds. Damon was immediately sorry he didn't volunteer himself to go in, bu then he thought, Maybe Stefan will bring out two still half-naked girls. Because we all know they taste better when they're hot.

Just then, Damon heard a scream from inside. A brunette girl with a pretty face rushed out, screaming, 'Rape!' Oh god, Stefan. Oooh, but I do love those brunette girls, he thought.

He chased after the girl, who was practically crying. "Are you okay?" he asked, a look of fake concern on his face.

"Some creep just tried to rape me," she whispered frantically. "He walked in, and looked right at me as I was trying on bras, and then he came over to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and tried to..." she was too frantic to speak anymore.

"Shhh..." Damon said, taking her in his arms. "Let's call the police."

"I don't have a cell phone with me," she said, calming down some.

What an unusual stroke of luck, Damon thought. "Me neither. Let's walk to the police station, it's right down the street." Screw Stefan. He can find his own girl. This ones mine, he thought as they left.

"Thank you for being so nice to me," she said. If you only knew, honey.

"Look at me," Damon said. Then, compelling her, he said, "You will not run or scream. You will not fight. Come with me." Really, Stefan? You didn't think to compel the girl before you tried to take her? His brother was so clueless.

Damon dragged the girl into a dark alley, felt his fangs come out, and bit into her neck. When he let her go, she was dead. He wiped the blood off his mouth, thinking, And this is why I don't go to the mall to find my dinner.

O-o-O

"And last on our news tonight, a series of attempted rape has been going on at the Victoria's Secret in the mall..."

A/N: I now love crack fics!