This is a response to the challenge Jason Grey posted in 'Five More Minutes." .http:/ www. / s/ 6179558 /1/ Five_More_Minutes I'm a little tired of dark, so I decided I would take a shot at some humor. This is a one-shot. Take out the blanks in the link above to access it.
Aftermath
There was a grand melee going on when a wail from Rumble on a wide band got everyone's divided attention.
"Processor wipe! I need a processor wipe!"
Soundwave, who was battling Blaster while the cassettes were going after each other, wanted to know why Megatron wasn't following his cassette. Instead, the telepath- and everyone else in the courtyard- got a mental image of what the cassette had seen.
The whole battle stopped and the courtyard where they were fighting went dead quiet as everyone froze, followed by an immediate wish from everyone to have the same processor wipe that Rumble wanted. Into that quiet came a groan, "Ohhh, my head… Just off-line me now and get it over with."
Optimus appeared in the doorway, and it was obvious what he had been up to. He winced away from the light, his optics were dim, he leaned against the door frame in evident pain, and he was covered in silver paint streaks. "I think I'm going to purge." Someone took a step, and suddenly there was an energon sword in Optimus' hand. "If one more person moves, I'll shove this in their spark. I heard that. And it hurt."
"Give it a rest, Optimus," Megatron moaned behind him, and batted the suffering Autobot leader's arm down. Instantly, every Decepticon in the courtyard was disappearing, in a hurry to be elsewhere when Megatron had a hangover. The Autobots decided that was a great idea, and retreated in good order to the gate, unwilling to leave Optimus but figuring that anything that would make their enemy counterparts hide on their own base was something to avoid. Optimus' sword, still out, helped.
Ignoring the effect his appearance had on his troops, Megatron poked his head out and winced. "Damned bright Earth sunlight," he growled, and covered his eyes.
It was a cloudy day, but no one had the courage to point that out at the moment.
"Put the sword up, Optimus, it's too early to fight." Optimus looked at the sword in his hand as if wondering where it came from, and did as asked.
In the back of the Autobot forces, the twins were asking each other how Optimus found their stash, and if he was going to get some, why didn't he just ask instead of taking all of it and sharing it with Megatron? Ratchet and Ironhide wondered why, if Optimus was going to get plastered, they weren't invited to the party. The other Autobots were too shocked to think at all.
All of them were avoiding the question of why did Optimus come here if he wanted to get laid?
In the meantime, Megatron braved coming further into the sunlight to put a hand on Optimus' shoulder. There were red and blue streaks of paint all over him, which got some imaginations going. "We are going to the wash racks," he informed the Autobots, "after which we will get some energon. Then and only then will there be a meeting of both the factions to discuss the matter my brother brought to me last night. You can wait or you can return when we contact you."
They nodded, frankly afraid to do more than that, and the two leaders supported each other back into the Decepticon base.
Fortunately for the sanity and bodily well-being of every Cybertronian of each faction, there were two cubes of energon and two cubes with "Hangover Remedy" written on them in the washracks, which were empty. The two leaders emerged clean of each other's paint and, while not feeling normal, at least as though they would actually survive the rest of the day without dying or killing someone.
Outside the gate the factions gathered. Optimus and Megatron dragged themselves out. Optimus held up his hand, and everyone grew quiet. "I received a message from a reliable source," he stated, "that Quintessons are on their way here. I have not spoken to the humans yet."
There was silence. The Autobots could not fight a war on two fronts without massive loss of life. At the same time, the Quintessions would not care whether the mechs they fought were Decepticon or Autobot. They just wanted to conquer and exploit. They would happily overcome the Decepticons first, before going on to destroy the Autobots and terrorize the humans.
"It seems we may have to work in tandem for a time," Megatron drawled. In fact, his faction was in slightly worse shape. They had a solid base, but they did not have the human allies, and there were only so many Decepticons left. There were one hell of a lot of humans, and the weapons that worked on Decepticons would work just fine on the Quints.
Optimus gave him a sharp look. The two factions would fight together for maybe twenty seconds before they started fighting each other. "How?" he asked bluntly.
"I did say in tandem, not together," the Decepticon leader reminded him, with a look that might have been a smile but had all the Autobots readying their weapons.
Optimus considered. "There is some merit in that," he said slowly.
It was a wonder that heads were not unscrewing themselves and falling to the ground as the soldiers looked from one leader to the other, and then moved to look at each other. The Decepticons were also trying to watch their own backs at the same time, which made for some sore neck joints later in the day.
Megatron hummed to himself. There would be negotiations. Some of them would need to be- private. But they would happen. He would work with Optimus, and they would fight together. Allies with benefits, until the enemy was dealt with. At that time, of course, the matter would have to be looked at again.
But that was for later.
...
If I missed a cliché for the hangovers, let me know.