Me- Alright everyone! Our last play (Harry Riding Hood) was a fiasco but this one will be superb! What say you? (Aragorn-style). Just a note to say any one can request their favourite fairytale/folktale parody.
And now, without further delay, we present you…. 'THE THREE LITTLE PIGS'…
In a farm, well settled down in the filth and mud, was a hog named Umbridge. This hog had three little piglets. Once, when Umbridge was feeding on some particularly exotic faeces, the farmer decided she would make a nice meal for his family and chopped off her head.
After mourning her death, the three little pigs decided to separate and seek their fortune. But soon they got sick of travelling and settled down. The elder two piglets were quite lazy. So they quickly made huts of hay and sticks.
Now, in the territory where they had settled down, lived a wolf. The wolf called himself Fenrir Greyback. Greyback because Greybutt sounded weird. Fenrir had a lover- a flea named Voldemort.
One day, Fenrir felt very hungry. So he went up to the first piglets house and knocking said,
"Dear kindly freak. Please let me in!"
The first piglet was named Draco. He poked a hole through the hay with his finger and shrieked,
"Eeeek! A wolf! A filthy half-breed! Eeeek! EEEEEK! Go away! I'll never open this door!"
Fenrir got angry and he said,
"Wh-Why you little! I'll HUFF and I'll PUFF and I'll BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOW your house down!"
And so he huffed and puffed and blew so hard, the hay flew away to reveal Draco using the lavatory with a newspaper in his hands.
"What the-
Fenrir swallowed him whole and then wished he had waited till Draco had finished his business.
Voldemort soothingly scratched him on the shoulder to calm him down and fluttered his eye lashes lovingly.
When after a few days, Fenrir was starving, he decided to move on to the next piglet.
This piglet, Quirrell, had built a house with twigs stolen from birds' nests.
Fenrir knocked and said,
"Dear kindly moron. Please let me in!"
Quirrell parted a few dried leaves and seeing the wolf screamed,
"Aaaah! A- a wolf! A r-r-raven-nous th-thingy! He's g-going to e-eat p-poor stut-ttering m-me! I-I'll never o-open this d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-door!"
Fenrir got angry and he said,
"Then I'll HUFF and I'll PUFF and I'll BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOW your house down!"
And so he huffed and puffed and blew so hard that the twigs scattered to reveal Quirrell in a bath tub.
Quirrell blushed and tried to modestly cover up his tempting soft pink skin.
Fenrir stared at him, feeling his appetite going downhill.
Muttering ''scuse me' , he averted his eyes and ran.
Voldemort became jealous and bit Quirrell on his eye lids before perching haughtily on Fenrir's shoulder again.
So Fenrir moved on to the next house- the third piglet, Harry, had bought a house of bricks. Fenrir knocked on the door. The third piglet, Harry peeped through the curtains and announced,
"Wolves are not welcome here."
Fenrir got angry and he said,
"Then I'll HUFF and I'll PUFF and I'll BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOW your house down!"
And so he huffed and puffed and blew so hard that he turned red, purple, blue. Voldemort, thinking he was dying, tried to coyly give him the kiss of life…at the very moment Fenrir inhaled shakily and greedily. The lovesick flea disappeared in his stomach.
Fenrir, aghast, stood there till Harry dumped his week's garbage on his head the next day. Then he ran away.
But he had alternating diarrhoea and constipation for every year till he died.
THE END
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