She had left the mess in a hurry, without another word spoken. Joker had been trying to cheer her up, comfort her, but she didn't need it, not right now. She was relieved to find the elevator empty and rode it down to the next level. The tears stung her eyes as she exited and looked around to find an empty storage deck. Hurrying over she opened the door of the Mako and sat herself on the floor. Hugging her knees she hid her face against her folded arms and cried silently.
She had lost friends before, it was the nature of being an Alliance Marine, but this was something she had never dealt with, a friend sacrificed so she could live.
It had only been five hours since Shepard had made the call to leave Kaidan to die on Virmire and Ashley Williams hated him for it. Tough calls like that are part of being a soldier but she never imagined she would ever find herself in such a situation.
She should have demanded to know why she deserved to live over Kaidan, over anybody. Why her?
As she sat there in the darkness of the Mako she felt the guilt gnawing at her. Not just over the loss of Kaidan; but at this time, with many of her crew grieving, she was also concerned that her pride had lost.
She had been tasked to protect the bomb and would have failed in that duty if Shepard, Garrus and Wrex hadn't turned up when they did. Her ignominy didn't end there however. When Saren ambushed the bombsite he unleashed a massive biotic attack that had sent Ashley hurtling through the air. If she hadn't been wearing her helmet the force of the blast may very well have killed her when she crashed back to earth.
She had been dimly aware of the gunfire that had erupted before the Normandy appeared. By the time Shepard had helped her to feet, Saren was already gone. Her world was still spinning from the impact of the attack.
"You alright?" Shepard had asked her.
She had offered a quick nod before almost collapsing as Shepard caught her and tried to steady her.
"I'm ok Skipper." Was all she managed to say before passing out in the Commander's arms.
She had always prided herself in being not just a woman in the military, but one of the best Marines in the entire Alliance. Yet here she was fainting into the arms of a man like one of those damsels in the old black and white horror vids that her Dad had loved so much.
But her embarrassment hadn't ended there. Shepard, obviously concerned that she may have been seriously hurt had not waited for the medical team to reach the cargo bay. Instead, he carried her unconscious body all the way to the med bay in full view of half of the crew.
When all this was said and done would that be everyone's abiding memory of her? Not as a skilled and competent soldier but rather the girl who dangled limply over the Commander's shoulder as he performed yet another heroic deed.
She hated herself in that moment. She had never felt so useless. The thought caused her anguish to deepen further. Kaidan was dead and all she could do was feel sorry for herself.
"Selfish bitch!" She quietly choked out between sobs.
She was instantly torn away from her thoughts at the Mako door opened. She turned to see Wrex, slightly silhouetted by the dim lights of the cargo bay.
"Williams" Was the simple greeting offered by the Krogan. The lack of surprise in his voice at finding her suggested he had known she was here.
"Wrex." Ashley replied, struggling to keep the grief from her voice. She had never cared for the alien. Although she had been initially mistrusting of Tali and Garrus they had proved themselves in the time they had spent aboard the Normandy. They might never be close but Ashley could rely on them.
But Wrex? He was more than capable in combat but she couldn't trust him. When the chance arose Ashley was certain he'd stab anyone in the back if the situation benefited him.
Wrex studied the human without saying a word as she tried to dab the tears from her eyes.
"What do you want Wrex?" She asked the question tersely, sounding harsher than she had intended. If the Krogan was offended he gave no indication.
"Alenko was a warrior." He replied after a few seconds.
"He was." Ashley agreed with a sniff.
"He fought like one and died like one. When his time came he accepted his fate."
"Wrex, I don't…."
"The point I'm making Williams…" Said Wrex cutting her off "…is that no matter what was in front of him, Alenko was willing to confront it. He was courageous enough to accept whatever the galaxy threw at him, no matter what the challenge."
Ashley nodded in agreement at the Krogan's words but offered no reply.
"Now you must do the same."
"What do you mean?"
"You're hurt by what has happened. It's a well-known human trait to grieve over their dead. But you, like Alenko, are a warrior. You can cry your tears but you must move on."
"It's not that simple…." Ashley began.
"Of course it is." Wrex interrupted. "You're finding it hard because you believe that it's your fault that Alenko is dead. However, it was Shepard who made the decision. More importantly, he made the right decision."
"Do you believe that?" She asked.
"I do. I also know that had you been attacking the AA tower instead of Alenko, it would be you who would be dead. Shepard made the correct tactical call."
Under any other circumstances the Krogan's words would have considered harsh but it was the validation Ashley needed. She nodded her head in agreement. The point had already been made to her by other crewmates as well as the Commander himself. However, she had considered the words to be appeasement on their part, an attempt to assuage any guilt she may have been feeling. However, hearing it from Wrex she accepted it as truth. The Krogan, despite his faults would not bullshit her.
"Thanks Wrex."
The Krogan grunted in acknowledgement and began to walk away before stopping and turning back to face her.
"One more thing Williams. You're a fine warrior, one of the best and I respect your abilities as much as any human I've encountered."
"Oh….uh, thanks." Ashley replied, taken aback by the unexpected praise from the usually stoic Krogan.
"But Saren is powerful too. There is no shame in being aided when the battle has turned against you. The important thing is you remain strong for the next encounter. Remember that fact when you feel guilt about when Shepard lifted you from the bomb site."
Before Ashley could reply the Krogan had turned and walked away once more, leaving her in the solitude of the Mako.
She took a few moments to compose herself and swallow her pride before leaving to find Shepard.