Title: It Could Have Been You
Setting: Season 2 Episode 8
Disclaimer: Well, I know this must come as a shock to all of you but I don't own Rizzoli and Isles. That pleasure belongs to Tess Gerritsen and the folks at TNT. I think she is pretty cool, though, letting all of us write about them as long as it's not for profit. I do wish, however, that Tess and Janet Tamaro would read some of the wonderful stories on this site and take notice that the fans crave more substance between Jane and Maura. Too many things are left unsaid and too many issues are not dealt with appropriately. So, in my little world, this is my way of dealing with some of those lingering issues…..
A/N: There are some incredible and talented writers on this site and I'm in awe each time I come across one of their stories. They have inspired me to do something that I've always wanted to do but never took the time until now. The start of this story takes place at the end of My Own Worst Enemy. I don't know about the rest of you but I was pretty angry about that episode and how Maura acted towards Jane. So, my story begins there and will be entwined with the two remaining episodes before its fall hiatus. Also, certain parts of the story will have a song attached to it. The song will coincide with some of the issues and emotions addressed in that part. For me, music can illicit strong emotions and helps me visualize a particular scene. There will be drama and angst in this story but I promise at the end, our two favorite girls will find each other as they belong together…they just don't know it yet. So, if you are so inclined, sit back, relax with a nice glass of wine or your favorite beer as the songs to the chapters play quietly in the back ground and enjoy! I would very much appreciate reviews….
Chapter 1: Hiding My Heart (Adele)
The love of her life. Such a simple statement but it had all the power to destroy Jane inside. That declaration by Doctor Maura Isles thrust into Jane's core, sending searing heat coursing through her body and flaming daggers into her heart. The love of her life…..Doctor Ian. Doctor Ian from Africa. Doctor Ian with three different passports and last names. Wanted by Interpol for questioning. The same man that Maura Isles committed a crime for by harboring him, a fugitive, and helping him obtain drugs and supplies illegally. Yes, Doctor Ian, the man that Maura had never even mentioned to her….ever, yet was so important to Maura that he held the most sacred place in Maura's heart. The love of her life…..
Maura was sitting at a stool at the kitchen counter crying, revealing her feelings for Doctor Ian for the first time to Jane. Jane listened intently, watched Maura cry and utterly break-down over the doctor from Africa. Jane felt for Maura and loathed to see her sad and crying. She wanted to comfort Maura, she was trying to anyway. But Jane was expending a lot of emotional energy inside, doing her best to portray her Detective Rizzoli poker face and not let her real feelings show.
"I just… I can't….I can't talk about him….I can't…. with anybody…because it makes me so sad." Maura attempted to explain, while fighting back the tears. Why had she never mentioned such an important piece of information to Jane? "I mean… how can you love someone and not be able to be with them?"
"How indeed Maura?" Jane screamed out inside her head. How can you love someone, be in love with someone and know that you will never be able to be with them the way you long for and dream about? Someone that you see every day, someone that you doubt will ever share or return the feelings you have for them. Someone that you have to watch time and time again be with men, fall in and out of relationships with them, and share with them something that you want so very badly but have to cope with the fact that it will never happen.
"Well, why can't you be with him?" Jane tried to keep her face neutral, the tone of her voice detached yet she came up short. This conversation was killing her inside but Jane pushed on and tried her damndest to play the part of Maura's best friend.
"Because he went back to Africa," Maura said with a defeated tone.
"Well, you could go to Africa?" What? It came out of Jane's mouth before she had a chance to think about what she had just said. It sounded as if someone else had made that statement. Go to Africa? Oh God no! Going to Africa meant saying goodbye to Maura, most likely forever. Maura going to Africa meant no best friend, no more seeing her on a daily basis. As much as it hurt Jane to suppress her feelings of romantic love for Maura, it would absolutely devastate her to no longer be a part of Maura's life, even if it meant being just friends with her. No, going to Africa was a very bad idea…..
Maura sighed and lowered her head to the right but did not give Jane an answer as to why she couldn't go to Africa. It was clear from Maura's body language, however, that Maura was not planning on going down that path. Jane didn't understand why not but was thankful that it didn't seem to be a possibility.
"His crime is risking his life to bring drugs and basic supplies to places that nobody cares about…and I helped him...so….go ahead and arrest me." Maura stated flatly.
Jane gave a weak smile at her friend's confession. Arrest Maura? No, Jane didn't think so. Maura could confess to being a serial killer to Jane…what would Jane do?…..help her hide the bodies and make sure that no one could ever pin them on her friend. There was nothing that Jane wouldn't do for her best friend…absolutely nothing. Arresting her, however, was not in the realm of possibilities. Jane did disagree with Maura that Doctor Ian's only crime was helping third world people that nobody else cared about. In Jane's eyes, his worst crime was not returning the obviously overwhelming love for Maura that Maura had for him. His crime was dashing in and out of Maura's life, apparently whenever he damn well felt like it, and leaving her behind completely devastated. His crime was him not choosing Maura over anything else in the world! The good doctor from Africa might be a swell enough guy, even a martyr for what he was doing to help others but to Jane he was a selfish bastard that did not deserve Maura's love and affection. Jane also couldn't help but think that the good Doctor Ian had used Maura to obtain his needed drugs and supplies and then skedaddled. Yep, that was it. Ian flew into town, had a romp in the sheets with the woman Jane loved, used Maura to get what he needed, and then boom….see ya, bye sweetheart…thanks for the fun….until next time that I come around and destroy your world in short order….. Jane was seething as the thoughts of the good doctor ran through her head.
Jane needed an outlet, needed to break the tension in her somehow before she exploded inside and confessed all the feelings coursing through her veins. Shock, hurt, betrayal, anger, was swirling around inside Jane, mixing potently with the overwhelming love she had for Maura. She looked away from Maura and glanced up at the kitchen cabinets and absently read some of the new labeling displayed, courtesy of her mother. That woman is going to be the death of me, Jane thought to herself. "Well, the first person I am going to arrest is my mother for reorganizing your kitchen." Jane smiled slightly with her eyes but it failed to reach her mouth.
She turned back to Maura and asked her if she wanted to go to the airport. Please say no, Jane prayed to herself. Thankfully, Maura shook her head no but did want Jane to stay with her until she felt better. Jane was thankful that Maura wanted her to stay. She didn't think it was a good idea for Maura to be by herself right now and frankly Jane was exhausted. She rubbed her face with her hands. It had been a very bad day and the night was not ending well either. First, she had to shoot and kill someone….again; she got into a fight with someone who wanted to kill her…again. Not to mention that her toe was still throbbing loudly, especially after the third world surgical procedure the good doctor Ian performed on it in Maura's kitchen. Now to top it all off was the wonderful declaration by Maura of her feelings for Ian. Yep, today was up near the top of her list of really bad days.
~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~~
You Do What You Have To Do (Sarah McLachlan)
Jane opened one eye and scanned the room to get her whereabouts. Her body felt heavy and her mind was a thick fog. It was early morning, probably about 7:00 am Jane guessed. She scanned her memories to discern what day of the week it was….Saturday she recalled. She groaned inside wondering why her body felt it necessary to wake up so early on an off day. She moved her legs slightly and realized that she was sore. Confused, she tried to recall why her body felt as if she had been tackled by the entire defensive line of the New England Patriots. A memory of her fight yesterday with the Bruce Lee wannabe replayed in her head. Oh yeah…that's why. She slowly opened the other eye and took in the remaining of her surroundings…. Maura's spare bedroom? She then realized that she couldn't feel her left arm. She hated when one of her long limbs decided to go to sleep and the tingling sensation that would follow when she tried to get the blood flowing through it again. She slowly moved her head to the left to look at her arm and realized that it was covered by honey blonde hair. Well, no wonder it's asleep, she thought to herself. She looked at Maura whose face was turned toward Jane but was partially covered by hair flowing in all different directions. Her eyes slid to Maura's chest as she watched it rise and fall with every shallow breath. She looked so peaceful and utterly beautiful, even though her face and eyelids were puffy from all of the sobbing she did last night. Jane recalled how she had held Maura tight in her arms as Maura's body wreaked with sobs. She remembered stroking Maura's hair over and over, whispering to her that she was going to be okay. After quite awhile, she felt Maura's body start to relax and twitch uncontrollably as she drifted off into a deep sleep. Unfortunately, sleep danced around Jane as her mind would not cease its torturous replays of the day. At some point in the night, Jane's body won the epic battle with the mind for rest and she finally fell asleep.
Jane's musings from the night before returned as she lay there watching Maura sleep. She couldn't help but to realize that things were going to be different between them now. She also knew that Maura would be at a complete loss as to why things changed. She wrestled with herself wondering if she should just go ahead and let Maura know how she felt. If she confessed that she was in love with Maura, what would happen? Jane thought that there were two possible outcomes to this revelation. One, Maura would tell Jane that she was flattered but she of course did not feel that way about her. Maura would have no problems with letting it go and remaining best friends. However, Jane would not be able to get past the rejection she felt and she would avoid contact with the medical examiner at all costs, effectively ending their friendship and removing Maura from her life. Two, Maura could return Jane's feelings to a certain extent because of how much she cares for her. But after awhile, Maura would start to realize she made a mistake and end their romantic relationship but would still wish to remainclose friends, which again Jane would be unable to do and Maura would be out of her life. Sighing, Jane took her right hand and rubbed up and down her face in an attempt to erase all of her thoughts. How in the world did she get here? How did she let this happen? How did she let herself fall in love with anyone, much less her best friend for God's sake? You just can't ever make things easy on yourself, can you Rizzoli?
Damn Ian, she thought. At least before finding out about him and the fact that he was the love of Maura's life, Jane had hope. It was the proverbial Pandora's Box. As long as the box remained closed, hope remained. Open the box, curious about its contents, and everything bad escapes. Unlike the Greek myth, however, hopelessness did escape Jane's box and her hope was lost forever. As much as she had dreamt about it, there was never going to be a happy, healthy, committed long term romantic relationship between her and Maura. So now what? Should she still end her friendship with Maura to avoid the pain she would feel when Maura finally settled down with Ian? If she chose to end her friendship with Maura, she knew it would mean that she would have to ask for a transfer to another precinct and division. She couldn't be in the same building with Maura everyday and not be tempted to see her and make a fool out of herself. This meant, of course, she would have to leave Korsak and Frost too.
She didn't think she had the strength to completely walk away from Maura, even with knowing it would cost her an enormous amount of pain down the road. She needed, required Maura to be in her life like she required oxygen to breath. No, she would remain friends with Maura but she had to protect herself somehow. She had to find a way to filter out her romantic feelings for Maura so that only friendship remained….but how? How do you let go of unrequited love…is it even possible…..or do you just resign yourself to endless suffering? If she somehow managed to infinitely repress her feelings for Maura, what did that mean for her and future prospective wooers? Would Jane go on dates with other people knowing that the likelihood of making a commitment to someone other than Maura would be slim at best? Wouldn't it be unfair to the other person to get involved with them knowing that they will never possess her entire heart and soul?
Frustrated, Jane decided to get up but didn't want to wake Maura from her slumber. She hoped that she could gather her things and leave before Maura woke up. She slowly eased her arm out from underneath Maura's head and stealthily rose up and out of the bed without disturbing her. She gingerly shook her arm to get the circulation running back through it again. She went into the bathroom, replaced her sweats with a pair of jeans and put on a t-shirt over her tank top. She always kept a few spare clothes over at Maura's place in case she ended up spending the night. She knew that would have to change now. She returned to the bedroom and quietly put her shoes on. She grabbed her gun and badge and placed them on her belt. As she went to walk out of the bedroom, she turned and risked one last glance back at Maura. She knew that once she stepped out of the door, everything would be different. She would never again allow herself to get so close to Maura. "I love you," Jane whispered softly…"always will." With that, Jane walked out of the bedroom, grabbed her car keys and left. At the sound of the bedroom door closing, Maura opened her eyes but did not move.