All my life, I never thought I would ever know true love. I felt as if I was always meant to live alone, to die as an old maid and never know the love of another. To live my life, always searching for the one and coming up empty.
Until I met you.
Potato-kun.
Oh, Potato-kun… there's no one who understands me like you do. The way you lie there motionlessly as I tell you all my troubles. The way you stare back at me, your eyes full of understanding. It's so sexy.
There's no one who can love me like you do. I get short of breath every time I think of your ruddy, gritty skin. The way you feel so coarse in my hands… the way your starchy rawness crunches against my teeth. It's like biting into some kind of forbidden fruit.
You're so warm and flaky after I've baked you for an hour on 375. How I love to smear butter into your every nook and cranny and sprinkle parsley and chives all over you. I know how much you enjoy it when I smother you in dollops of sour cream.
I wanna chop you up into little pieces, throw you in hot oil and deep fry you in my love. I want to feel your greasy trans fats clog up my arteries. You can attack my heart any time…
I'm gonna take a fork and stab you full of little holes. Then, I'm gonna drop you into a pot full of boiling water and just listen as you scream my name. Yes…
I want to stick you into an oven and broil you after I've covered you in cheddar cheese and garnished you with meaty, juicy strips of bacon… ooohhhh, bacon…
I think I just drooled on myself.
I want to take you into my room, turn down the lights, put on some soul music and eat you up. I want to stab you with my fork and tear through your crispy skin with my knife. I want to savor every single bite of you and feel you melt in my mouth. And then, I'm—
"Uh, Sasha?" asked Connie. "You feelin' okay?"
Sasha opened her eyes. She had half of a potato sticking out of her mouth. Everyone in the mess hall was staring at her, especially Eren. He was always staring at something. It makes you wonder if Locke from Lost was his father instead of that guy who looks like Jesus.
Sasha could feel her face turning as red as a radish. How she wished she had a radish right now…