*Disclaimer* I do not own the rights to Bungou Stray Dogs or its characters. Nor do I own the rights to EXO's English lyrics for their song Going Crazy. However, their lyrics did inspire me to write the the fic the way that I did.
It pushes up to me like thickening fog
Cutting off my breath, it's killing me
The scenario his mind attempted to recall was hazy. Corruption always did that to him. The last time he used it was when he and his partner were renowned as Double Black. Before he betrayed the Port Mafia.
These infected wounds are getting deeper, they keep aching
(But it was you)
Sometimes Chuuya wondered if he wouldn't mind being devoured by his true ability. Oh, it hurt like a living hell, making his skin itch, and his blood boil. But it was his ability to do with as he wished. Except it wasn't. He, Dazai, was always there to pull him away from Death's grasp in the nick of time.
That nightmarish day comes to mind,
I tell myself it won't be like that this time
Which memory was he trying to sort through now? He couldn't say. A brush with death thrilled him to his very core. Especially having done it on several occasions, meaning it had to be that time. The feelings he remembered were as fresh as an open wound.
You're fading away, don't know what you want
News traveled fast when Dazai officially left the mafia. One of their most fearsome executives disappeared in the blink of an eye. Mori was disappointed. Akutagawa was devastated. As for Chuuya, well, he wanted to rip out Dazai's throat more than usual.
The thick fog clears up and everything's clear
He never cared. It was obvious now. Their relationship went further than mere partners. They knew everything about each other. Could predict the other's thoughts and actions five moves in advance. There were no secrets between them because it was difficult to keep them hidden when your partner could read you like an open book.
The traces of your lies passing by like a strip of film
Yet, Dazai never actually cared. Would he have left otherwise? All the emotion that spilled over only a few nights before had to be bottled up in order for Chuuya to move on. The love and passion secretly a sweet poison that he happily drank. He needed a way to express the anguish that consumed him. He preferred Corruption to this any day.
I hate you
"You're a fucking liar, and I should have known better. I always did have a habit of falling for your stupid tricks, but no more."
Going crazy
Bottles of wine became the friends that helped him drown his misery. The taste of each one burned the back of his throat. It was pure bliss compared to everything else.
All that's left for me is your deep scars
The bruises marring his skin weren't fully healed. These ones were darker than the last set he received after using Corruption. Chuuya suffered from more fatal, festering wounds; the gouge marks carved deep into his beating heart.
And they'll never fade, I'm going crazy
"You could have granted me a favor you selfish prick. Tearing my heart out would have hurt a lot less, you know." He wanted to speak those words to Dazai, but he held his tongue. After all, it was their first meeting since he had left.
Looking at me like it's nothing. Baby won't you stop?
Chuuya expected Dazai to make some stupid joke. Poking fun at the short redhead was one of his favorite pass times when they were together. He usually never meant what he said, but it normally angered Chuuya nonetheless. "Short and short-tempered," Dazai commented once with a big grin on his face.
There's no hope, making excuses like that
Dazai didn't do excuses. It wasn't in his nature. Chuuya was the one making up excuses for Dazai, and he hadn't so much as realized it. "I won't apologize for leaving. You wouldn't have come with me had I asked."
You drive me crazy, the moment I blink I'm cut
"Leave me alone, bandage-wasting device." Dazai's straightforward attitude left another gouge mark. No regret or remorse coated his voice. Not even a small dip of longing. Chuuya had a hard time looking him in the eyes.
By your sharp tongue, just like that
"I can't leave you alone. They need us to bring back Double Black one more time." A part of Chuuya needed to be close to Dazai again. It was all he really wanted. However, the rest of him was repulsed by the idea of working with the suicide enthusiast again.
My eyes and ears, hands and feet, so much more
At least, he assumed it was repulsion, but in reality it was fear. He feared he would grow too attached to the man he used to call his partner. Then, when everything was said and done, Dazai would be some phantom wind that flew out of his life just as fast as he had flown in.
What did I even see and hear?
"I love you," Dazai whispered softly enough for Chuuya not to hear. They headed toward their instructed location, traveling some distance away from each other. Dazai led the way while Chuuya refused to get any closer.
It's like my body's not even mine, I can't control it
He was lost in thought the entire walk there. Loathing Dazai was practically the same as loving Dazai. So what did he really feel? A migraine coming on, that's what. There wasn't any time to process the rest of the mess clouding his mind because it was time to fight.
The thick fog clears up and everything's clear
(I let you control)
Chuuya spoke the dark words without hesitation. Whether or not Dazai planned to nullify Corruption didn't matter to him anymore. "Oh, Grantors of Dark Disgrace Do Not Wake Me Again."
The traces of your lies passing by like a strip of film
An abyss opened up beneath him. He fell further than last time, losing himself in an instant. His focus was solely on the opponent before him.
I hate you
Chuuya built up his hatred for Dazai, and aimed it at the enemy. He repeated the process over and over and over again. He wasn't nearly as burnt out as he thought he was going to be, but then again, he couldn't actually tell.
Going crazy
He fired one black hole after the next without any regard for his surroundings. Fuck it if he hit something or someone he wasn't supposed to. What did he care? They were dumb for getting in his way.
All that's left for me is your deep scars
The gouges in his heart no longer mattered either. Instead, his heart was shriveling from the decay of his ability. The rate at which his body deteriorated was astounding.
And they'll never fade
Maybe Chuuya's heart would decide burst. Then, no one would know about the marks. Know that he was lovesick and starved for attention. He didn't need anyone to know how much Dazai meant to him, and how much it hurt to have lost him once before.
I'm going crazy
The glowing marks on his skin itched like a bug bite. He wanted to use his hands to tear his flesh open, but they were busy making more miniature black holes.
Going crazy
His blood boiled over like lava from an erupting volcano. It dripped from his nose and mouth, running down his chin. The blood leaving searing pain in its wake.
Going crazy
Chuuya's body was an immovable rock, but something he couldn't explain urged him to keep moving forward. Each step heavier than the last. If he had any control over his body, then he could easily change the gravity around him in order to float like a feather.
Going crazy
Death welcomed him with open arms. He reached his hand out ready to submit to the darkness looming over him.
My heart is racing like it's about to burst
Chuuya had a difficult time deciding if he was excited or nervous. Perhaps both. Craving death was another one of Dazai's habits, and Chuuya never understood the reason behind it. Now it might all make sense.
I wanna know what's next
Adrenaline rush
"I don't care anymore. I'm ready. What is the afterlife like?"
Pumping through my whole body
A familiar pull tethered him to the world of the living. The looming darkness vanished, whispering sweet promises of another time. The hushed voices made it a point to tell him he was not, in fact, ready.
Don't know what you do to mean Oh
"That's enough, Chuuya. You need to take it easy," another voice said. Dazai's hand wrapped around his small wrist to stop the next black hole from being released. Chuuya's knees buckled, and he dropped to the ground slowly regaining what was left of his sanity.
My reasoning only gives me one answer
Chuuya knew his body was at its limit. He was going to pass out soon, but he needed to talk to Dazai. Death didn't want him so he had to face the truth even with running the risk of being rejected.
But my heart isn't sure, call me crazy I still want you
"Dazai... You didn't let me die, and I can't say I'm grateful..." Chuuya's breathing was ragged. His lungs tried their best to catch whatever oxygen they could.
"You sound like me," Dazai's features softened. "That's kind of scary."
Up and down like a roller coaster
"Let me finish," Chuuya growled. For Chuuya's benefit, Dazai listened intently. "I'm sick and tired of thinking about you day in and day out. I can only afford so much alcohol."
Have I not gotten a hold of myself yet?
"What is going on between the two of us? I say I hate you because it's easier than admitting the truth. The truth always hurts the worst."
I sink into the dark, swirling swamp
"You left me that day. I didn't even need a goodbye. I needed to know that you were okay. What was the use of suffering on your own? I could have shared your pain," tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. He was bleeding his heart out, and quickly losing time in the process.
Struggling, three times, four times, and it'll keep repeating
"You tossed me away like you didn't need me anymore, but you gave me no chance whatsoever to try and help ease your pain." The dry blood and tears mingled together.
I hate you
"I fucking love you, you complete asshole."
Going crazy
Chuuya lost consciousness shortly after his remark. Sleep would keep him busy for a few hours. Possibly a few days. Corruption's toll grew with each use.
All that's left is your deep scars and they'll never fade
Dazai's own heart was littered with stab wounds. A knife embedded itself into his heart when Odasaku died. Another knife joined the first after he learned about Ango's betrayal. A third for his own betrayal. Not Dazai's betrayal of the Port Mafia, but of his betrayal to Chuuya.
I'm going crazy
They were rivals, best friends, partners, lovers, a team, Double Black (Soukoku), and so much more. He desperately wanted Chuuya to run away with him, but his loyalty to the mafia was as strong as a bond. Making Chuuya choose would have been the ultimate slap in the face. That's when Dazai determined he wasn't going to give Chuuya a choice at all.
Going crazy Go go going crazy
"Will you still say you love me if I take you back to my place tonight? You'll wake up refreshed in my bed. Is that a dream or a nightmare?"
Going crazy Going crazy
Dazai was tempted to walk away. He could keep abandoning Chuuya to keep him at a distance, but as destructive as they were, they were meant for one another.
I hate you
"Let's start over, and if it doesn't work then we're going to have to stop this for good. You and I can't let the past drag us down forever."
Going crazy
The suicide enthusiast gently scooped the small redhead up in his arms, and carried him out of the carnage he caused.
Upside down, you turn my whole world on end
Dazai made it to his apartment, and hadn't let go of Chuuya for a second.
I can't stop now
Once inside, he discarded both of their shoes by the entrance. Dazai tossed Chuuya's coat and hat on his couch in passing. Then, he set about to clean Chuuya up, getting rid of the blood and grime clinging to his pale skin.
I'm going crazy
Eventually, Dazai tucked Chuuya into his bed. He snuggled in right next to him, and placed a kiss on his cheek. "We're both insane, but I think you already knew that." Chuuya's soft snores were his only response.
Author's Note: The song reminded me so much of Chuuya and Dazai's relationship that I had to write this fic. I like to think that it's mainly in Chuuya's POV, but I never stated that it was or made it obvious. At least, I don't think I did.