Disclaimer: One glance at this and you'll know why I'm not a real writer.
Timeline: Takes place between Hex Factor and Day of Reckoning.
BROTHERHOOD TRAITOR
(Scene opens with Lance walking home on a windy day. He looks just about the same as he always does, but with two important differences. First of all, he is grinning broadly despite the fact that he hadn't had a cigarette since Mystique came back. In addition to his sappy smile, Lance is also sporting a cheerful green scarf that was obviously hand-made. He has no idea that Mystique, Toad, and Freddy are watching him from inside the Boarding House.)
MYSTIQUE: (snarls) Look at him. Do you see what they've done?
FREDDY: (puzzled) Whaddaya mean? Who're they?
MYSTIQUE: The X-Men, of course. Or should I say the X-GIRL.
TOAD/FREDDY: Huh?
MYSTIQUE: Don't tell me you dorks haven't figured out who's to blame? That you haven't discovered who is that's turning him against me- I mean us?
TOAD: (sudden realization) I get it, yo. He used to have faith in da BoM till he found a new kind of Pryde.
MYSTIQUE: Exactly. And if I don't do something about it we'll lose him forever.
FREDDY: (wail) Nooo! Lance, don't leave us!
TOAD: Don't cry, yo. Lance is still one of us, right Boss Lady?
MYSTIQUE: (gently) Of course he is boys. Now why don't you two go to the kitchen and help yourself to some doughnuts.
TOAD/FREDDY: (cheer) DOUGHNUTS! YAY! (They take off leaving Mystique at her sentry post.)
MYSTIQUE: (mutters) Lance WILL side with us. He just might need a little... "persuading". (starts laughing manically but stops abruptly at the sound of Lance turning the doorknob)
LANCE: (brightly) Hey guys! I'm home! Man, I had the best... uh oh. (Lance gulps as he catches sight of an angry Mystique.) Er.. Hey Boss Lady, what's happening?
MYSTIQUE: (coldly) I might ask you the same thing. (Picks up a box) I did a little spring cleaning today...
LANCE: (interrupting) I wasn't gonna smoke those cigars honest! I was just keeping them for uh, sentimental reasons!
MYSTIQUE: (stern) What cigars? Oh, never mind. I was talking about this! (She opens the box and pulls out a book titled 'The Jew In You')
LANCE: (nervously) Oh that. That's um required reading for my Social Studies class.
MYSTIQUE: (raises her eyebrow) I found it inside a pillowcase.
LANCE: Well you know how messy my room is...
MYSTIQUE: I also found this! (pulls out a video tape of 'The Exodus')
LANCE: (sweating) I just love the main theme from that, don't you?
MYSTIQUE: (ignoring Lance's explanations) And this! (holds up a Star of David necklace)
LANCE: (excited) I was wondering where that went! Now I can give it to Kit- er, Pietro. Yeah, that's it! I'm gonna give it to Pietro! To remind him of his childhood and stuff!
MYSTIQUE: (incredulously) You're giving him a necklace?
LANCE: Well this is Pietro we're talking about.
MYSTIQUE: Fair enough. But explain this! (Mystique pulls out a set of photos taken at the carnival mentioned in Mindbender. The photos show Lance winning Kitty a stuffed bear, buying her a balloon, ramming Scott and Jean at the bumper cars, the happy couple riding the Ferris Wheel, Lance throwing up after riding the Ferris Wheel, etc..)
LANCE: (panicky) It's not what you think!
MYSTIQUE: Oh really? Then what is it?
LANCE: (in a defeated voice) I.. I don't know.
MYSTIQUE: Well I know this! Either you're with HER or you're with US. Now march upstairs and don't come down till you've decided where your loyalties lie!
LANCE: (solemnly) Yes ma'am.
MYSTIQUE: (to herself) Take one little leave of absence and everything falls apart! (She heads to the living room, where she is soon joined by Wanda, Toad, Freddy, and several boxes of donuts).
(Lance climbs the steps slowly and enters the room. He flops on his bed)
LANCE: Stupid Mystique. I wish she'd never come back! (Still grumbling, Lance fumbles around until he finds a crumpled drawing showing Freddy, Toad, Pietro, and Lance relaxing at a beach. Underneath the date and signature, written in Lance's untidy scrawl is the simple caption: 'My Family') We had so much fun together. You guys really knew how to party! (Then Lance reaches around his neck and takes off his scarf. He caresses it fondly) Oh, Kitty. This scarf you made is almost as soft and pretty as you are. (Lance frowns) I'm so confused. I mean, the guys are my best buds. I don't wanna hurt them. But Kitty makes me feel... special. I don't want anything to happen to her either. (He sighs) If only I had a guardian angel to tell me what to do... (There is a bright flash and immediately a man with devil horns and a leather jacket appears in front of Lance)
DEVIL: Lance Alvers!
LANCE: What the hell? Who are you? How do you know my name?
DEVIL: I'm your guardian angel kid.
LANCE: Why do you have horns?
DEVIL: We angels get assigned to kids that are like us.
LANCE: You mean...
DEVIL: (nods) Yep. The man upstairs, he calls 'em like he sees 'em.
LANCE: Well I'll be damned.
DEVIL: Exactly. But bad as you may be, you still make a difference in this world and you shouldn't commit suicide, because even losers are important.
LANCE: (angry) I'M NOT A LOSER! AND I DON'T WANNA COMMIT SUICIDE!
DEVIL: (surprised) You don't? Man, I knew I shoulda checked my notes.
LANCE: (annoyed) Some guardian you are! You don't even know what you're here for!
DEVIL: Look buddy, do ya want my help or not? 'Cuz if ya talk like that...
LANCE: (pouts) Fine.
DEVIL: So what's the problem? Are you sure it's not suicidal thoughts?
LANCE: (snaps) Yes, I'm sure. (Recovers) I mean, I'm trying to choose between my friends and my girl.
DEVIL: Is that all? Can't you give me something harder like suic-
LANCE: (scowls) Oh, I'm thinking about killing someone, all right...
DEVIL: (getting hint) Easy there, Rocky. I think I can help you out. I just need a coupla props... (POOF! Instantly 2 microphones and a karaoke machine materialize.)
LANCE: (mumbles) This had better work..
DEVIL: (singing) Your story is boring
would be worth ignoring
but there's a lotta money in this gig...
LANCE: (singing) Maybe it should be a crime
to hafta go and waste the time
of someone whose ego is so damn big!
DEVIL: (spoken) I don't have a big ego!
LANCE: (spoken) Do too! (They glare at each other before resuming the song)
DEVIL: (sings) Brotherhood Traitor
Now is the time to make amends
Brotherhood Traitor
For deserting your old friends
Lance, what you need is a prescription- Puppy Love is like the flu...
LANCE: (singing) Yeah? Well, this is your job description- Guardian without a clue!
DEVIL: (spoken) That was harsh!
LANCE: (spoken) Truth hurts, huh? ( Devil ponders this before resuming the song)
DEVIL: (singing) Brotherhood Traitor
You have no honor, so I've heard
Brotherhood Traitor
When have you ever kept your word?
Lance when are you gonna realize, you can't be Kitty's savior!
LANCE: (singing) er... Maybe I don't NEED a prize for my good behavior!
DEVIL: (spoken) But you WANT it. You want recognition, I can tell.
LANCE: (spoken) Ha! Shows what you know! (Devil grins wickedly before resuming the song)
DEVIL: (singing) Brotherhood Traitor
This is the way it has to be
Brotherhood Traitor
No one can outrun their destiny!
You know evil is where you belong!
LANCE: (singing) But my girlfriend Kitty Pryde...
DEVIL: (singing) She fights for right, and you fight for wrong!
LANCE: (singing) Why can't I be on her side?
DEVIL: (spoken) This is war, kid! There's no fraternizing with the enemy!
LANCE: (spoken) I wish I'd known that before... (Lance sighs before resuming the song)
DEVIL: (singing) Brotherhood Traitor
Have you forgotten why you're here?
Brotherhood Traitor
How do I make this perfectly clear?
Out there you're suspect to face neglect, get no respect, it's true
That's what it's like livin' a life that's not for you!
LANCE: (spoken) Hmm. When you put that way.. (Lance ponders this before resuming the song)
DEVIL: (singing) Brotherhood Traitor
You've listened to my best advice
Brotherhood Traitor
And I'm not about to say this twice
You can make this call, or take the fall, it's all the same to me
but win or lose I suggest you choose carefully.
LANCE: (spoken) Don't worry! I'll make the right decision! (Devil winks and starts floating)
DEVIL: (singing) Brotherhood Traitor...
LANCE: (singing) Brotherhood Traitor...
DEVIL: (singing) Brotherhood Traitor...
LANCE: (singing) Brotherhood Traitor...
DEVIL: (singing) Brotherhood Traitor...
LANCE: (singing) Brotherhood Traitor....
(Meanwhile, in the living room, Mystique and the others can just make out a few fragments of Lance's song.)
MYSTIQUE: (quizzical) What is he doing? Talking to himself?
FREDDY: Singing, actually.
TOAD: Yo, I warned him about taking NyQuil with Samuel Adams Lager. Now he's seeing things again.
WANDA: (mutters) If I leave now, maybe I can still get my old room at the asylum...
MYSTIQUE: (pleading) Take me with you!
THE END
Author's Note: You've just read what may possibly be the world's longest songfic. This is what happens when movie and TV buffs have WAY too much time on their hands. Ah, the joys of unemployment.