Title: The Whole of the Moon (1/1)
Rating: PG-13 slash for some mentions of sex.
Content: Mentions of sex and drugs.
Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters mentioned herein, and make no profit from this. Lyrics from "Whole of the Moon" by The Waterboys inspired this, and can be found bydoing a google search.
Distribution: my lj, WWFSML, violent pretties and Hardyzfanfic. Nowhere else without permission.
Summary: So why did he leave? And why would he go back? This is short and strange.
Jeff's POV
I've heard that many rumours since I left WWE, if I had a dollar for each one I'd be a rich man. I'm a smackhead, a drunk, addicted to painkillers, virtually crippled, lovelorn... there's a common theme in all of them: I'm a fuck up.
Not entirely true. Not to say I've never done stupid things in my life; hell, anyone who's ever seen me wrestle could tell you that stupid is my middle name. I am not a fuck up though. Leaving was entirely my choice. I was sad to go, but it was the best thing I've ever done. Had I stayed, I may well have ended up one of those things they say I am now. Maybe more than one.
It was a spur of the moment thing. I'll tell you why I did it. I'd been in WWE since I was sixteen years old, and in my years there I won every title except the world title, I participated in matches of the year, I had best-selling books and merchandise, I had it all.
That was the problem. I had it all before I was 25 years old. What did I have to aim for in wrestling? The world title? Not unless I gassed up big style. Matches that fans would remember for years to come? Done it. Tag champs? Mine and Matt's dream from the age of nine? Done it, multiple times.
Sex with the hottest, straightest man in the federation? Well, once I'd managed that, there really was nowhere else to go. Nothing... no one else to do. He only got married a few months ago. I never thought I was in with a chance, but then, as if all of my dreams had come true, there he was, on his knees and begging for it.
I've always wanted a challenge. I always thought he would be a challenge. Turns out, said marriage is all for show and prestige, and he's free to be with whoever he wishes. And, as it turns out, said person he wishes to be with, is me.
It was good, but I was never looking for anything long term. I just wanted to reach the peak, to see everything, to do everything. Now I realised, I reached the peak. I did everything, and saw everything, but I did it too soon, I didn't appreciate the build up, I didn't appreciate the steps up to the top. I didn't appreciate the feelings when I was up there.
I've learnt, the hard way, that I should have enjoyed and savoured the journey. That part of the fun of being at the top is the road you travel to get there. That when you get to the top you have to explore. That there's more to the top than meets the eye.
I could have stayed. I could still be a WWE wrestler now, could probably still be with HHH. Thing is, I wouldn't be satisfied. I'd have had to look for new highs, always trying to reach higher, to reach that higher plane. Sex with HHH was great, but that's all it was.
So... I left. I found new highs within music and art. There's something infinite about the creative ability. With wrestling, there's always the fear that your mind will imagine better matches than your body can perform, but with music, and art, there are no limits. Those two things are vitally important to me.
They're not the most important things though. Someone came to visit me while I was at home, and to be honest, he persuaded me to come back to wrestling. It was for one reason only: to be with him. See, I found the thing that can never take me high enough, never push me too far. Raven takes me places I never knew existed, and I don't need any chemical stimulants to get there. He does things to me that I would never have believed had I not experienced them, and he proved to me that there was more to life than always seeking more, better. I found out that better can be found with continuity, with trust, with togetherness.
Every day with Raven is different, more special than before. I'm learning things every day, I'm falling deeper in love. I was jaded, now I'm shiny and new. Music and art are still important to me, but my real passion is Raven.
I had to join TNA, to be with him every day. To thank him, to learn from him, to love him.
I thought there was nothing legal left that would make me feel like this. Turns out I was wrong.