Under different circumstances

The verdict had arrived that day, but I was not expecting what the punishment would be for such a foolish crime.

There was not mistake in it though; Byakuya himself had come to give me the news.

The fact that Renji was close to the cell did not helped at all. I did not turn around, my chair facing the wall, my back facing my visitants. Either way I could felt it, his reiatsu rising, even after these forty years without seeing him he still cared about me. I stand corrected, he still caresabout me. And …I know that much, but I do not turn around, I can't face them, either one of them. I mean, how could I when I couldn't even face myself, foolish that is what I am.

I hear Renji growl and I know Byakuya´s expression has not changed even when I haven't looked at him. And he won't show it, not in front of his subordinate at least, but I know, I know he resents me right now. How could he not? And my heart breaks a little bit, just a little bit that is all the harm I'll let him inflict on me. I have yet to deal with accepting my penalty myself so I can't let his feelings overwhelm me too much, nor Renji´s.

And then his steps fade away, as if I was duty and nothing more, not a word of reassurance, not a promise to save me, not even a yell of fury escapes his lips, he just leaves. But Renji remains, he remains, the way he always did before Byakuya took me in, before he let me walk away.

And he does, he tries to make me believe that Byakuya will do something that he would not let me rot in this cell until my punishment gets executed. He thinks he can convince me, no, he thinks he can convince himself. Because I need no reassurance, for I know all about Byakuya, and I know my sentence is not a threat but a fact. He will dispose of me and I would have to make peace with his decision. I ask Renji to leave, I want to be alone, I want to think.

And off he goes, and alone I remain…again.

A whole day goes by and before I realize it is morning, and I seat in the same chair I sat yesterday and everything is the same, or so I think.

I hear steps. Someone is approaching. I turn towards the door only to see him coming in, Byakuya, truth be told I had not expected him to come yet. I thought he would wait, greave, then he would visit. I watch as he sends the guards away and gets in the room closing the door behind him while he does.

"Hey" I say, my eyes never living the black spot I found on the wooden floor a couple of days ago.

"Look at me when you talk" I can feel his stare staving me like daggers and I just can't rise my sight towards him even when he asked me to.

"Why are you here?" my question went unanswered however I heard how he opened the cell door and got in, only to feel his hand raise my chin and before I know it I'm looking at him right in the eye.

"That's better" he says softly, calmed, steady as a rock.

"Why are you here?" I say one more time not daring to take my eyes away from his, and I see how his jaw clenches and how his eyes twitch; his hand however never lives my chin and I can see it, just for a second, he is hurt.

"Why wouldn't I be here?" he retorts as if it was the most common thing for someone of his range to be in this quarters, for one of the Kuchiki family members to be spotted in a filthy prison cell.

"You are my little sister" and even though the things about this being a lowlife place for someone like him to be at is true, I understand; He does, after all, love me. But it was not enough; that answer was not enough. We both know that whatever this visit may lead us on will do nothing but damage.

"That is not what I asked, why did you come here? Don't you have something better to do than torture me with your presence?" That came out like venom from my mouth, I don't want to see him, not like this, and even when people think my relationship with Byakuya is nothing more than a charade for both our benefits I know better, and so does he.

For me he was not my adoptive brother, he was just my brother, period. All the ceremony in which I treated him in front of other people was only a screen so that the Kuchiki family wouldn't fall in disgrace for the manners of their adoptive kid. However when we where at home alone I was not the adoptive kid and it was not a strangers house, it was home and it was my family. He would let me be myself, that was after all the only requirement I asked before becoming one of them, for me to be able to be myself. And we joked, and we laughed, and he was tender and nice, he was fun and merciful, and I loved him and so were his feelings towards me. Doesn't matter what people think that was the truth, and since we where now alone I could afford to treat him as I whished and he wouldn't complain for he is nothing like people think.

"So that is the way it is now huh?" his hand left my face and he stood away from me as if my only presence intoxicated him "I… torture you" his façade fell apart at that moment and eyebrows joined together in distaste, his statement spitted with sarcasm.

"Whatever the reason, you shouldn't be here," I whispered, wishing that that enough would make him banish from this room.

"I was not going to come" he explained, "I was upset. I was upset with you" and then he stopped and stared at me with broken eyes almost too hurt for me to stand, I looked away.

I knew that, I knew he was upset so why? Why would he do this to himself, to us?

He turned towards the wall and continued "But I… I couldn't get a resolve on how I felt about this" suddenly he was facing me and my heart skipped a beat "Was it because he looked like that guy? That Kaein Lieutenant of your squad?" he was trying to excuse me, I got it then. He was giving me the benefit of the doubt. But I knew the answer to that would only hurt him more.

"Byakuya…" I sighted while denying in an attempt to let this go.

"No" He refused "No! I need to know why did you do it, I need to know why when you knew it was forbidden…" he had sprung me around and cornered me towards the wall, his face centimeters away from mine, one hand pinning me over the so said wall. His eyes were now pleading and it was more than I could take.

"Listen, you don't have to do this, the thing were we talk about it and reach a solution on why we do what we do and feel the way we feel" this time it was me who had hold his face still and searched for his eyes even when still cornered.

"We don't have to do the part when you say something and then I say something because even if we do there is no way I can get out of this, you know and I know that you made a promise, and it is ok; I want you to know that it is ok. You don't have to break it for me, It was my mistake it is me who has to pay the prize" I was trying to act composed, I knew what he felt, and I also knew about his resolve to never break the rules again but what's more important, I was not the one who would make him break his promise.

"You are not in between the sword and a hard place, that is all I want you to know". I turned my gaze from him after that.

"Oh, so you'll pay the prize?" he parted my side and denied. "What do you think will happen with me after your execution Rukia?" he felt defeated and I could tell because he had suddenly splattered himself on the floor, thing that was not only unusual, but opposed to everything that he was. His right hand covered his eyes and his shoulders began to tremble.

"Byakuya…" I wanted to hug him and tell him that it would be ok, I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be fine; but I couldn't… Nothing was fine.

He raised his head and looked at me the way a puppy about to die does, his eyes glistened with the tears he would not let out. "I just want to know why, if you knew it was wrong, if you knew my resolve, if you knew there would be a consequence then why…?" I could see he was confused and uncertain and it was then when I realized that even if it would only hurt him more I owed him as much as an explanation.

I walked to his side and sat next to him, I stared at the cell's bars and graved his hand automatically, the way I used to before, every time I felt alone.

"I knew but, everything happened so fast, first thing I was on his room and he could see me. Humans are not supposed to be able to see us, and I…I forgot how to do my job. I simply found that boy amusing and before I knew it that hollow had attacked his family and I hadn't even unsheathed my zanpakuto, I tried to attack but the boy, Ichigo, got in the way and I let the hollow beat me. I couldn't fight anymore the only solution was to give that kid my power so that at least he and his family could be safe… do you understand? If I hadn't done it then not only would I'd be dead right now but so would he" I tried to make my explanation as easy as I could.

"I see, …" he said while staring at our joined hands. The hurt expression only intensified "I shouldn't have let you go, you weren't ready" and there it was, that thing he always does to make me a martyr and him the one to blame.

"It's not like that, oh god, this is why I didn't wanted to tell you in the first place; you had nothing to do with it at all, I didn't even told you I was going to the living world". His stare went to my face and I could still see guilt in his eyes.

"I should have known, I should have known where you were going and what you were doing and-"

"Quit it will you?" I interrupted rudely; his tantrum was only getting me on my nerves. "I'm not a little girl, I was working and you are not my nanny, I'm old enough to take the blame for what I do, and if it makes you feel any better I don't regret it, making that decision, I don't regret it…you don't have to feel pity, not for me at least" It was true, after all I did had enjoyed my time on earth and I would never forget the people I got to meet there.

"You really like that kid, don't you?" he said as his eyes softened.

"Wh-what?" That definitely took me out of my game.

"Whenever you talk about him you smile a little and your eyes glisten too, that must mean you really like him," He explained matter-of-factly.

"I-I guess I do" I said letting the subject go.

"Well" he sighted as he stood up and shook his rove "I guess it is what it is".

"It is … just that" I retorted as I watched him get out of the cell and lock me in.

"I really hate to do this," he stated while sparing me one last look "If only things were different" that was the last thing he said before his depressed figure returned to his cold façade.

"Goodbye Rukia".

"Goodbye … nii-sama" but my farewell wouldn't reach his ears for he was far away from the door already.

His wish however didn't leave the room; it would stay forever with me.

'If only thing were different '

If only things were different and I hadn't made that choice, If only I had denied their request to earth, if only I hadn't attached myself to that kid, If only…if only life had gone under different circumstances.

But... even then, I would have made the same choices…

…

hope you enjoyed it.

Bleach characters are not mine.