A/N: Original title- "Planes, Trains, and Automo- hold on, someone's filing for copyright infringement." Which was then "Cars," which was supposed to be what the story was about but eventually it came to be known as "Guns." This came to mind after watching the Naruto movie with the snow and stuff. I can't remember the title, despite the fact that I watched it twice last night. Just a disclaimer that this is a quick, unplanned fic that I'm simply throwing out there, and thus, is crap. Keep reading anyway D ::End author's note, in case you couldn't figure it out::
Kakashi ducked into the ramen shop where nobody was really eating and sat down between Asuma and Kurenai, who were in the midst of an argument. He got the lucky position of Buffer Between Enemies.
"I heard our names," Asuma said under his breath. Kurenai, with not only cool red eyes but who heard like a bat, quickly retorted.
"Nobody's talking about us!" She growled. Kakashi got up to go to another seat. Asuma pushed him back down subtly, hiding behind him from Kurenai's glare.
"Hide me," he whispered. Kakashi sighed and slumped down in the seat, pulling his newest copy of Icha-Icha Whatever out of his ninja ass pouch.
And then someone with a really bad jumpsuit and Lego eyes popped out from behind the curtain.
"Why do you hate me so much?" Kakashi asked the sky. Gai sat down next to Kurenai. She happened to get the lucky position of Buffer Between Rivals, One of Whom Is Really Into Whatever The Two Have, Not That They Have Anything As It Were, And The Other Wishes He Would Just Mellow Out And Let Him Read Porn. She looked slowly, covertly to the left, and then unhurriedly, furtively to the right, and then at a snail's pace, surreptitiously reached for the gun she had brought. You know, just in case she would need it. Just as Kurenai was deciding who would have to die first, Anko slipped under the curtain.
"Hey there!" She practically shouted, choosing the seat next to Asuma, giving her the lucky position of Buffer Between Man With Sharp Objects And The Wall. She didn't care. Her problem was being way the hell out on the sidelines. "Um… what's wrong?" She asked quietly. She glanced around the restaurant at Asuma, who was hunched over hiding from Kurenai; Kakashi, as he carefully positioned a razor blade on his wrist; Kurenai, who was staring blankly ahead as she fumbled with something under the counter; and Gai, who was… beaming. "Who died?"
"Just my soul," Kakashi said quietly. Gai continued silently grinning. A massive sparkle from Gai's teeth blinded everyone at the counter. The waitress fell over and landed with a thump.
"Er… miss Kurenai, what's that little thing you're holding down here? A gu"- the waitress went quiet as Kurenai kicked her.
"Shut up," she hissed angrily. "Wait a minute. These don't exist yet," Kurenai said out loud.
"What doesn't exist?" Kakashi asked.
"Kakashi?" Asuma asked feebly, still hiding from Kurenai, who was now staring at the counter with her eyebrows furrowed in confusion and her mouth open a little, like she had something profound to say but the words took a pit stop at the back of her throat and she was waiting for them to start the car again. She also had the look of a person who knew they had taken a metaphor too far. Gai still smiled.
"Yes?" the silver-haired ninja replied. He wondered how many total strangers referred to him as a "silver-haired" something or other, and got the sinking feeling that the count was high. Anko reached for a set of chopsticks.
"When did your hair get like that?" Asuma inquired. Anko was now on her hands and knees below the curtain, intent and rapt in picking up ants and throwing them into the street.
"Get like what?" Kakashi sighed.
"Like… grass," Asuma said, tilting his head. Kakashi stared at him. Gai beamed yet as the waitress pulled herself up onto the counter and coughed. Kurenai went from pondering the nonexistent thingamabob to staring meaningfully at the waitress, who hurried away to the kitchen, nervously murmuring something about "that time of the month."
Now the ramen shop was inhabited by a row of tense customers. That's not suspicious in the least.
"Anyway, what were you talking about, Kurenai?" Kakashi asked, trying to shift the attention from his head. She snapped back to attention. Gai still smiled, but now his upturned thumb was beginning to wilt. "What was it that didn't exist?"
"Ever heard of guns?" Kurenai asked, turning towards the line of ninjas to her right. Hear the one about 5 ninjas in a ramen shop? No, sorry, now's not the time.
"I've heard the concept, yes. Why?" Kakashi asked. Asuma poked his head up, and Anko returned to her seat from flinging insects to listen. If it involved violence and morbidity, she was game. Gai snapped out of his pose to listen as well (Hallelujah!).
"Alright, so, listen. We're characters in a manga about that Naruto kid," she started. Anko had the look of someone about to burst out laughing. "And in that greater universe, there's instant ramen, and radio, and giant TV screens that show pairings in tournaments just like here."
Kakashi listened politely, thinking, "What is she on?"
"And there are guns," Kurenai continued. God knows where this conversation was going. It was headed by a woman in possession of an artifact from the future. "And cars." Asuma was about to speak up, but he didn't have the stones to naysay Kurenai.
"We have cars," Gai quipped.
"Oh, yeah," Anko said, pondering. "We got a few of those in the first movie about the Land of Snow."
"You weren't in that," Kakashi rejoined. "Neither were… you, Gai, and Asuma, and… Kurenai, too!"
"How do you know you were in a movie?" Kurenai asked quietly. "I mean, I'm the one who started this lecture. I'm the one who knows about the alternate universe or whatever it is!" She looked around at her fellow Jonin, confused. Asuma raised his hand.
"We… don't?" he said feebly. Kurenai glared him back into his seat.
"We're in the middle of a fight, here," she reminded him coldly, with a look that was clearly meant to be 'piss off.' "And obviously we do. We're talking about it."
"Maybe we aren't. Maybe this is all part of the story we're in and we don't know any of this at all," Kakashi noted. "Anyway, in that movie, there was a train." Kurenai nodded.
"And that train was equipped with huge walls of projectile kunai," Kakashi continued. He knew. He was there, and you weren't, so nya-nya-nah-NAH NAAAAH!!! "So you mean to say that someone designed a machine that can shoot hundreds of knives at super speed, but nobody can make little pieces of metal fly?" Kakashi finished.
"No. That's a gun, remember? It shoots bullets," Kurenai said, keeping her own concealed.
"Right. We have knife launchers, instant meals, and trains. But no readily available cars. And no guns," Anko said, picking up her chopsticks again. "I'm gone."
"No, we have some guns, that's the thing," Kurenai said, holding hers up to show them.
And then they ran.