I Just Want You to Know Who I Am

Prologue

October 13, 2015

Will Horton, voice hoarse, working through a cold, said into his phone, "Goodnight, um, good morning."

Will ended the call and sat on the edge of a sofa nearby. The sofa belonged to his cousin Abigail Deveraux and her fiancé Ben Weston. Will had been helping Abigail work through her problems earlier in the day. It was easier for Will to focus on someone's pain and heartache than his own. Now, Will was waiting in her apartment for the cable man to come for her.

Will glanced at his phone. He needed to change the lock screen picture. Every time he touched his phone an unpleasant sensation slithered down his stomach. Will could no longer look at a picture of his Sonny Kiriakis' smiling face without his stomach churning.

Will didn't expect Sonny, his husband, to call him back. It didn't stop the foolish bit of hope blossoming inside of his chest, though. Sonny hadn't returned any of his other calls. Will didn't expect this time to be any different. Only now, now Will admitted what Sonny wanted all along. Will couldn't figure it out before but he understood now. Everything that happened was his fault, all of it. Maybe Sonny would talk to him now that Will knew what everyone else knew.

Buzz Buzz

So trapped in his thoughts, Will jumped when he felt his phone vibrate in his hand. Without stopping to look, Will answered with a breathless, "Hello?!"

"Well," Sami Brady, Will's mother, said without preamble, "It's finished. Not a minute too soon because I have no idea what those executives were doing."

Will, slumping in his seat, felt disappointment settling into his bones. It wasn't Sonny. It would never be Sonny.

"Will?" Sami questioned, "Will?"

"Huh?" Will rubbed the palm of his hand up and down his face. He hadn't been listening to anything his mother said.

"Are you okay?" Sami asked maternal instinct she seldom showed lacing her tone. "You sound sick."

"It's just allergies," Will said. "I'm fine."

"You're not," Sami insisted, "But we can pretend you are for now. Anyway, I was trying to tell you about cancelling the movie."

"Yeah?" Will's eyebrows crinkled together.

"About time too," Sami snorted. "I don't know what those morons were doing but it wasn't making a movie. Why they thought I'd let them continue when they fired my son, I'll never know. Oh, and guess what?"

"What?" Will asked. He hated thinking about that movie and anything or anyone involved with it. He was glad it was over.

"They were still using your script, the last one," Sami informed Will. "I mean, they didn't change anything. It was word-for-word what you wrote."

"Why would they use that?" Will wondered, rubbing underneath his nose. "I mean, they fired me. They said I wasn't any good."

"Well, they must have changed their minds because it had your name on it still," Sami said. "Either way, I'm glad it's over with. The entire thing was a mistake."

"Yeah," Will swallowed. He looked at the pale flesh on the inside of his wrist. If he tried hard enough he could see dark swirling shapes and feel a soft touch.

Stop it, Will closed his eyes. You don't think about that anymore.

"You should come see us," Sami suggested. "You and Ari."

"I don't know," Will mumbled.

"It's not the same without you around," Sami revealed in a soft, uncharacteristic tone. "There's no one here to boss me around or make me crazy. It's unsettling."

The corners of Will's lips lifted up. "Just wait until the twins hit puberty. There'll be plenty of yelling."

"You know what I mean," Sami said. "I miss you."

"As hard as it is to believe," Will responded, "I miss you too."

Sami snorted. "See? That right there. That's one of the things I miss most."

Will turned his head toward the door when he heard the doorknob jiggling. Ben Weston, tall, handsome, and confused, looked at Will with a quirked eyebrow.

"Hold on a sec," Will said into the phone. "Hi," Will stood up and directed toward Ben. "I was waiting for the cable guy for Abigail. But since you're here…" Will trailed off.

"Oh, hey," Ben nodded. His eyes kept glancing toward the trashcan near Will. "Thanks."

"Yep, no problem," Will said. "Um, you can call me about wedding stuff whenever you need."

"Yeah, I will," Ben smiled. "Just don't screw up my bachelor party like T did with yours and you'll be golden."

"Ha," Will forced out a laugh. He didn't need any memories of the events surrounding his wedding right now. "I'll start looking into it. Bye."

"See you," Will heard over his shoulder as he walked away.

"Why are you planning a bachelor party?" Sami hissed in Will's ear.

"Um," Will hurried down the hall. "No reason. Look, I'm not sure about coming to visit just yet. Ari just started preschool and I don't want to take her away for a vacation."

Sami knew Will was deflecting but went along with the change of subject. "Thanksgiving then. You and Ari are all mine."

"Sounds good," the more Will thought about it the happier it made him. He did miss Johnny, Allie, and Sydney something fierce. He even missed Sami more than he thought he ever would. It would be nice to see them all again.

"We can have a belated birthday party," Sami suggested.

"I'll have to check with Gabi about it but I'd like that," Will said. Gabi Hernandez, the mother of Will's daughter, was in the local prison. A few weeks back everyone thought Gabi might get out early but it didn't pan out. Will didn't think he'd forgive Rafe, Gabi's brother, for getting his hopes up like that.

Sami made a noise from the back of her throat indicating her disapproval.

"I like to keep Gabi involved in our life," Will reminded Sami. "She should get a say in where her daughter goes."

"She should have thought of that before murdering someone," Sami sniffed.

"Pot, meet kettle," Will mumbled as he walked out of the apartment building and into the street.

"If your situations were different, if you were in jail and Gabi was raising Ari, she wouldn't give a shit about you," Sami said with a surprising amount of venom behind her words.

"Yeah? Well, I know what it's like to have a parent in jail," Will reminded Sami. "Both parents, in fact, and I'm doing what's best for Ari."

"That's not the same," Sami argued.

"You almost died there," Will said. "And I remember that. So, excuse me if I want my daughter to have happy memories of her mom."

"Fine," Sami sighed. "But one of these days you'll learn that girl is never going to treat you the way you treat her."

"She's in jail," Will said. "I'm not worried."

"If you say so," Sami replied. "Now, how are you doing?"

"What do you mean?" Will shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, a chill nipping his skin.

"You know what I mean," Sami insisted. "How are you doing?"

Will slowed his pace down to a near crawl. Despite what he told Ben, he had nowhere to be. He didn't have any projects to work on and Ari was still at school. Will spent more time in his apartment, alone, than anywhere else.

"I don't know," Will answered after a few moments. "I don't."

"Talk to me," Sami requested. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"I called him earlier, Sonny," Will confessed. He spotted an empty bench to sit on near the town square. "He didn't answer but I left a message. I think he might call this time."

"Yeah?" Sami asked, trying to sound upbeat.

"I realized it was my fault, all of it," Will said with a decisive nod. "That's what he's been waiting for, I know it. He was waiting for me to own up to it all. Now he knows I'm willing to take the blame and he'll talk to me."

As Will talked a deep frown marred Sami's features. Her arms crossed and her jaw set. "You aren't at fault for everything."

"I am," Will said with utmost confidence. "Everything that happened is because of me. And it's time I take responsibility for that."

"You can take responsibility for your mistakes," Sami stated, "Not his."

"But I'm the reason it all happened," Will argued. "If it wasn't for me then-,"

"You don't know what would have happened either way," Sami pointed out. "You made your mistakes and he made his. And if he can't forgive you or talk to you or God forbid, acknowledge you without you proclaiming that he is an innocent little snowflake and you're a monster, well, that is not the type of man I want you with at all."

"Mom," Will shook his head. "It's me. It's my fault. I'm the reason for everything."

"You-," Sami cut off mid-thought.

"I'm not getting into this," Will insisted. "I know what I'm doing, what I have to do. If it's the only way to make things right then I'll do it. I'll do anything."

Sami wanted to argue. Wanted to reach through the phone and grab Will by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. She settled, instead, for sighing. "Fine. Take the blame for everything. I won't stop you."

Will knew that was as good as it was gonna get. "Thank you."

"Just," Sami couldn't stop herself from saying more, "I want you to know that even if you make mistakes and you hurt people, you deserve more than that. More than someone who abandons you and your daughter after stringing you and another guy around for months. You deserve happiness. You deserve to have someone love you the way you love them. That's all. I gotta go. Don't hesitate to call if you need someone to talk to. And if you don't, I'll call you later in the week anyway. Start thinking about what you want for you birthday too. I love you."

"Love you too," Will whispered before he heard the familiar beep of the phone disconnecting.

Will walked around town mulling over his mother's words. She didn't understand. He deserved Sonny's treatment. He deserved it all.

While lost in thought, he gave a perfunctory glance into the window of a used bookstore. The display featured recommended books from the staff. The middle book was a Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Will paused in front of the window, going so far as to put his hands against the glass. Will grew up with those books. They felt like they were a part of Will's soul. But he did all he could not to think about them since his time in California. He couldn't think about them. Here, though, with the book right before his eyes, it was all Will could see.

Closing his eyes, Will recalled the last conversation he had about Harry Potter. A soft hand against his skin, the tickle of a paintbrush over his inner wrist. Long conversations with someone he never should have trusted.

A voice cleared behind him causing Will to snap his eyes open. Seeing Paul Narita before him made the uncomfortable knot in Will's throat even bigger.

"Um," Paul looked like he didn't know what to say or if he should say something at all. "You alright?"

Will stared at Paul without saying anything for a few moments. "Fine," Will looked back in the window, "Just looking."

If thinking about Sonny made Will nauseous and thinking about California made Will anxious, thinking about Paul was something even worse. Not able to stand being in his presence any longer, Will mumbled a quick goodbye and hurried off.

After giving Ari a bath and reading her a bedtime story, Ari fell into an easy sleep. Will took a few moments to admire his daughter. Watch the rise and fall of her chest and hope that he hadn't ruined her family forever.

Will thought back to what Sami said, about the movie studio still using his script. Deliberating for a moment, Will sighed. He went to the hall closet and grabbed a box he shoved in the back. A box filled with mementos from his time working in California. A journal of notes he jotted down while writing, itineraries from meetings he attended. Even a copy of the last script he wrote.

Will didn't think it was bad. In fact, he thought it was quite good. He spent an entire weekend fine tuning it, pouring over every plot point and bit of dialogue. He incorporated every suggestion the studio executives had. Welcomed the help he offered Will.

But when Will walked into the office that Monday with his script in hand it was to a strange scene. He overheard a tense, whispered conversation. Saw two large intimidating men exiting the office. Two men that gave Will startled looks when they noticed him.

Will didn't know what the meeting was about but when he met with the executive a few minutes later, he fired Will and took his script. There was something off about it all. The executive had always been a big supporter of Will. He was kind and joked with Will often. At that last meeting, though, he couldn't meet Will's eyes and seemed to have more sweat than usual on his brow.

The whole situation was odd and it still left Will confused. Even when the studio brought him on board, the executive seemed apologetic. It felt like he wasn't any happier about it than Will. The whole thing was a mess career-wise. That was ignoring the mess Will made of his personal life too.

The worst part of it all, getting fired wasn't the biggest disappointment for Will. If he was honest with himself, something he didn't try often, what happened after hurt even worse.

Will rummaged through the box and found a small scrap of paper with an elaborate doodle of a flower. He remembered watching as the drawing came to life. Watched as a delicate hand twisted this way and that without any thought or plan. Mesmerized by its creation almost as much as by the artist. He remembered the shy smile that accompanied the picture when it was given to him.

Stop it, Will thought as he crumpled the picture into a ball. Why did you keep any of this crap?

Throwing the balled up paper into the box, Will slammed the lid down. He shoved the box back in the closet as far as he could. Hoping he'd shove it so far he'd never think about it again.

Only, now that Will opened the box, he couldn't seem to get his memories to fit back inside. The conversation Will overheard wasn't the only strange moment during that time. For whatever reason, most of the time when Will made or received calls, they'd go to voicemail. Every time he called Sonny, voicemail. Any time Sonny called him, voicemail. If Will called his father, Chad, T, either grandma, anyone, it never went through.

If that wasn't alarming enough, none of Will's checks ever made it to the proper checking account. No matter how many direct deposit forms Will would fill out, the money went into a different account. It all went to the account Will used before opening a joint one with Sonny. At the time, Will suspected his mother of tampering with it. Certain she was making some point about his financials but now Will wasn't so sure.

Now that time had passed, now that he could think it over, something more must have been going on, it had to. It was the only thing that made sense.

Will decided not to worry about it now. It was in the past and there wasn't anything Will could do to change it.

Will started tidying up. He put away Ari's stray toys, cups, and plates of leftover snacks. He loaded the dishwasher and got ready for bed.

He checked his phone one last time before plugging it into its charger. No call from Sonny. Will didn't know why he was so disappointed. He was used to it by now.

Author's note:

Title is taken from the song Iris by Goo Goo Dolls.

So, this is going to delve into Will's time in California. I have a hard time believing that Will cheated on Sonny and just casually came back to Salem like nothing happened. I think it's pretty obvious the show added that in last minute to make Will look even worse. I'm going to put my own spin on it and bring a bit of mystery here.

Also, this is going to ignore 90% of what happened on the show and probably 90% of the characters.

I don't have an end game pairing yet. It could be Will/Sonny or I might want Will with someone else. I'm just not sure yet.

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think, please. The next chapter will delve more into the actual plot.