I looked at her. She was laughing, head thrown back; making those glorious red curls to cascade down her back. Those red curls. How I longed to twirl them around my finger as they stood out in front of a billowy black cloak. Oh, those green eyes. Flashing, sparkling, twinkling – whatever they did, they did well, capturing my heart, rousing its tempo every time she met my eyes.
As I sit here, I can see her laughing with her friends, enjoying her time and the sharp pang of disappointment never ceases to fail me. I wanted to make her laugh, I wanted to be the cause of her happiness, I wanted to be here everything. Like she was my everything. I wanted to hold her tight to me and tell her all my fears, hopes, dreams and secrets. I wanted to tell why I was an arrogant prick, an arse, a fool. If only she knew that the façade I had drawn up every time, was only to hide my feelings - the overwhelming sadness I felt every time she said "no". I wanted her.
I had decided to lay off her this year. Our last significant year as a Hogwart's student. Funnily enough, fate cant stop throwing the two of us together – whether as partners in Potions ("Black with Lupin please – no need for another year of ruckus Potter"), patrol duties and meetings ("What did Dumbledore smoke before he made you Head?") and the Head dormitories ("See this line, Potter?" "No." Whack! "See the line?" "Yes." "Don't cross it.")
Sirius is of course, very proud of me. I listened to Lily's advice and I have stayed away, as far away as I can. I am more sensible these days, more courteous, more mature. I have started to see different girls but none can make my heart beat faster and a smile to light my face like Lily can.
I have also realised this year – more than ever, that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to escape her. She will always have someplace in my heart.