"Hey, mister, what are you doing?" Sasuke Uchiha, age 10, asked the weird white-haired man who was standing in the bushes watching women taking a dip in the stream naked or in bikinis so tight that the girls might as well have been naked.
The man started, turning to glance at the boy, "Go away, kid, I'm researching."
Sasuke didn't like the tone of the white-haired jerk and, being a sadistic kid, he figured out that the man didn't want to get caught by the girls.
"HEY MISTER, WHY ARE YOU LURKING IN THE BUSHES WATCHING THOSE WOMEN BATHE?" Sasuke asked loudly, before darting out of sight.
The white-haired man was immediately ambushed by eighteen angry women in towels or bikinis who had somehow found the time to grab metal brooms.
The perverted Toad Sannin Jiraiya inwardly snarled as he was slowly beaten into unconsciousness. That little chicken-haired punk was SO going to get it after this.
Unfortunately, his luck continued to falter throughout the week. He was sure he was just too distracted to notice, but the chicken-haired brat would pop up every time he started to do some more 'research'. Worse, the kid got into the habit of fireballing Jiraiya's notepad, destorying all the material the forty-something sannin had managed to make.
By the end of the week, the Super Pervert, Alien Sage and Toad Hermit Jiraiya was absolutely livid. The brat had cost him an entire week's worth of drawing and research.
No twerp, no matter how young they were, no matter how tragic their past was, no matter who they were related to, would get away with ruining an entire WEEK of Jiraiya's life.
The punk needed to be taught a lesson.
BADLY.
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Bad First Impressions
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Sasuke was feeling good about having gotten that pervert caught. It served the old perv right to be caught and humiliated. That was what Sasuke thought, at least, until he got home had found holes punched in all of the tatami mats. The supporting boards were fine, though, so it was safe to walk on them.
Who would do such a thing?! And to the Uchiha prodigy, no less?! Sasuke wondered to himself.
Could it have been the perv he'd set up? No, that geezer was still getting his ass kicked, there was no way he'd have gotten free and tracked down where Sasuke lived in such a short amount of time. After all, Sasuke never gave his name.
Genius though he may be CONSIDERED, Sasuke's blatant double standards led him to conclude that there was no way anyone could know who he was if he didn't want them to know, despite the fact that his hairstyle was now unique in the village and therefore, anyone with working eyes knew who he was.
Sasuke just figured it was probably Naruto Uzumaki. For a kid who was supposedly a taijutsu prodigy and had gotten into the academy three years early, the blonde certainly was a moron. COUGH POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK COUGH
Sasuke grumbled, but it was late in the day, so he decided to just get some sleep and he'd report it tomorrow.
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What ensued was a long list of devious, cruel, yet somehow entirely childish pranks. Sasuke opened his eyes to see a dead rat next to his face, which had him yelping and sit bolt upright, directly into a dangling frying pan.
"OW!" Sasuke "OW"'ed.
No sooner did Sasuke step away from his bed than the tatami mat and it's support broke cleanly in half and he felt something icky underneath that squished on top the broken tatami mat, onto his left foot and between his toes. Then the smell hit him, forcing Sasuke to struggle not to puke.
It couldn't be Uzumaki. The blonde boy rarely pranked someone more than once without provocation and while Sasuke might have made some condesceding comments, it was no worse than what the adults said about him.
For some reason, the rest of the tatami mats in Sasuke's bedroom weren't set right, causing the Uchiha prodigy to stumble violently towards the door, like a washed up drunkard.
The instant Sasuke opened the door, a board of wood smacked him in the back of the head, pushing him directly into the path of foul-smelling canister, which had him reeling backwards towards his room, at least until the tennis balls started pelting his back. He tried to flee his room again and a bucket of water dumped down on him.
Sasuke twitched.
It HAD to be the old geezer. Uzumaki's pranks were NEVER this well-coordinated. Hell, they tended to be small time pranks that would have maybe three steps. After all, for most pranksters, the more complex it was the more likely things would fail or get out of hand.
Sasuke managed to get to his bathroom without encountering any further traps and having viciously dismantled the previous ones. He turned on the hot water for the shower and hopped in just it warmed up.
FWOOSH
Sasuke's left eye twitched as he heard his toilet flush.
"AAAAAAAAAH!!! AAAAH! AAH! YOU-" Sasuke began the longest torrent of swear words he would ever unleash for the next three years.
Once the heat returned from molten lava to normal in the shower, Sasuke was able to clean up without further incident. His shampoo smelled differently, but he knew the smell of Nair and other hair-removal products since his father had been a freak about keeping his legs smooth which, despite the products, he never managed to do well.
Sasuke began brushing his teeth and no sooner did he spit and take a breath than he realized he wasn't in the clear as the FULL POWER of super-cinnamon-flavored toothpaste rendered his mouth an inferno of painfully clean teeth.
He closed the medicine cabinet and gazed at his hair with unhealthy twitch. Most color-change products worked by application and time. But Sasuke hadn't really allowed his much time, so there actually wasn't much damage. But what damage there was could be see with ease.
Splotches of pink, like an insane version of a leopard's spots, were now decorating his hair.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!" Sasuke roared.
When he finally calmed down, Sasuke headed for his bedroom closet, holding his breath and trying to maintain his balance, only to find that even his clothes hadn't gone unaffected by the prank.
Nothing but sparkly dresses, ones that would be the envy of every little girl, color-blind or not. Every shade, every hue, except any decent 'manly' colors, like red, black, grey, or even a very deep blue or green. He checked the other closets in the house, but only his mother's pregnancy muumuus were left, which even Sasuke knew would look worse.
So, in order to report the old man, he'd have to put on a dress. Sasuke found the darkest of the light blue dresses and reluctantly put it on.
When it came to his shoes, they were still there, but from the massive number of tacks stuffed into one and the burs shoved into the other, it would take hours to clean them out.
The only option were the various high heels that the malicious geezer had provided, ones that, irritatingly enough, matched his chosen dress.
Sasuke was so furious that he didn't even notice that the evil old man had used a genjutsu to hide himself and put on the final touches, a silver tiara and earrings, until the Uchiha prodigy made it to the Hokage Tower to report the geezer.
The last thing the 'geezer' had left in the Uchiha manor was a note, "I'll be back to make the twerp's rival into an uber-powerful ninja! BWAHAHAHAHA! - Signed, Evil Old Man"
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His mission to humiliate Sasuke Uchiha complete, Jiraiya commented to himself, "And now to disappear!"
Jiraiya cackled evilly as he fled into the forest, and somewhere, his snake-molesting rival was no doubt jealous.
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Three years later, Sasuke finally met Naruto Uzumaki's teacher, the Legendary Sannin Jiraiya and was disgusted to find it was the same perverted old man who'd made his life so terrible that day three years ago.
Jiraiya also recognized Sasuke, as even though Sasuke did get his color back to normal, he'd failed to change hairstyles. The Toad Sannin huffed, turned to Naruto and Sakura and said, "Come on, kids, time to make Uchiha-teme here the weakest man on the totem pole."
Sakura and Naruto both blinked in surprise as the Toad Hermit took them both to train in super cool moves that Sasuke would never be able to learn because they were ALL seal-less and thus, uncopyable by the Sharingan.
And lo, when Jiraiya finished teaching Sakura and Naruto, Sasuke was indeed the team's 'sissy'.
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Why? Why do I hate Sasuke? I write mean things about him and yet, I still have to ask myself if he truly deserves this.
Then I see him at the Valley of the End, willingly trying to obtain the Mangekyo Sharingan, despite knowing full-well what he has to do in order to get it, and I realize, "Yes. Yes, he does deserve this."
Well, the first unreleased version of this had Sasuke just messing up one of Jiraiya's peeping session, but I reconsidered. Jiraiya can be mean, but the level to which I wanted to torture Sasuke would require Jiraiya to be PISSED.
For those wondering, a few of the pranks were actually stolen from the original Super Pervert, Ranma 1/2's ancient master Happousai. Happousai was also incensed about his youngest "disciple", the main character Ranma, keeping him from doing anything perverted, so he goes about doing all sorts of petty pranks, like the tacks in the shoes.
But when I compare Happousai's normal antics to Jiraiya's normal behavior, Jiraiya comes off as a frickin' saint. At least he's never stolen underwear, flipped skirts or heavens forbid GLOMPED anyone (though no one will argue that Jiraiya wouldn't do that too if given the chance).
Then again, Jiraiya deals with kunoichi, not not high school students like Happousai does, and thus is in more peril were he to try anything like that.
When you get down to it, Jiraiya isn't really doing much harm by being a peeper. He's just a guy who likes to look and fantasize. The worst that might come from Jiraiya is a manga depicting most of an event, but taken to down a kinkier path than the original story went.
You wanna know who I think is the real bad influence of the Naruto universe?
Orochimaru. Seriously, that guy is WAAAY too close to snakes for my comfort zone. BRR! Someone kill that creepy bastard already, and Kabuto too! (yes, they may already be dead over in the untranslated manga in Japan, but I don't care, they need to die more often in fanfiction as well).
A-kun