Disclaimer: The twilight series as his caracteres are owned by Stephanie Meyer.
Autor note:I already publish these same story in Portuguese,but I decided that maybe I should try the English is not my native language I hope there aren't many mistakes,and wait for the reviews and constructive criticism.
I Always took comfort from the simplicity that was my life, never asked for more and never contented myself with less, happiness was something that I thought felt when my mother took the night of to take a walk by the sea with me, eating greasy burgers that had in the nearest tent or the healthier salad , depending on the moment in Renne´s life, but whatever it was, was simple, comfortable, something for which I waited the whole month.
When I moved to Charlie's house, I knew that those moments of happiness would be less frequent, not because I loved him less lthat my mother but simply because Renne would not be there, as well as the beach, the heat, the desert, those little things that afforded me the moments of happiness that I anticipated.
Little did I know that those moments were just dull and colorless memories of those who would be my days with ... Edward. The mornings were full of color, every moment together a remembrance loved, lived and detail that marked my being as an was not something I took for granted. Was something fleeting, each moment an explosion of incredible sensations and images that made me wondered countless times if I was crazy, closed somewhere, because everything was perfect as delusional I wonder what I did to deserve all this? The answer was simple,I didn't. And the proof came in a fateful September afternoon, when the words "you're everything to me" were replaced with "I do not want you" or the "I love you" that made my blood boil every time they leave his perfect lips, for "I will always love you, in a way, "and suddenly those loved memories h became a distant dream that I try every day not to forget, and not to remember, not forget because they would forever be the happiest moments of my life, and not remember because I knew I would never be that happy again.
And so I survived on a daily basis, "survived" because once you feel this kind of happiness all the rest are just passing shadows.
So 5 months have passed, but pain has not diminished,I just got used to it enough to function as a normal human being, or almost.I ate when Charlie was watching and tried to sleep enough to made trough the rest of the day without falling to the the beginning i tried to look for my own "distractions" but soon I realize that even the more simple ones like television, music and even literature that I adored so much, brought memories that paralyzed me with pain, and little by little, I was deleting one by one until there was nothing but study and look into the void. Sleeping was not an option when it came to comfort me or to rest the constant attacks to my mind, Because it was when I slept that the memories were more vivid and worst of all, completely uncontrollable. I lived in a constant state of absence of myself,fatigue and quiet resignation that already was so typical of me.I did not ask for and did not expect any less.
My friends eventually gave up on me, do not blame them I was an animated corpse and no one longs for the company of these, but deep down knew that they were afraid of saying something or doing something that broke me once then left me alone with my despair , and thanked me, had nothing to say or to someone who had never given up on me by deeper I hit, and I hit bottom, Jacob was my sun, and now the proportioner of my little moments, not happiness , I can not call it that, but it also was not a mere distraction, were moments of life, whether it is called living.
Everything was so easy with him, had to pretend he was alive, he had a soul and a heart that HE knew when we had them together I could feel a tiny, tiny part of my heart and soul were still here, and every time we spent together they grew a bit which leads me to this moment, when the only person I "helped to survive" tells me that I do not want to see more.
-I do not understand Jacob-My voice sounded as confused as I felt.
-We can not see Bella, please stop calling me and I try not to look, if you know what's good for you, away from me.
NO, NO! ... This can not be happening, it's a nightmare, I must have fallen asleep on the couch again, Bella wakes up.
-Jacob whatever I've done, I'm sorry ... I know it's not easy being with me, but I swear I try ,I try, please ... not ... don t do this to me ... I need you please - my voice was pleading and tears flowed without permission, but I would not let him go,no, I COULDN'T let it go, it didn't matter if I was being selfish or not.
-Bella-his tone was fierce but left his anguish shine-I do not wanna see you anymore, I ... I'm not ... good for you.
-Jacob, dont say that, you are better than I deserve, better that I will ever be,please just ..
-NO, STOP ... I do not wanna see you anymore, I'm sick of your constant depression, its dragging me with you .. just let me be!
The panic began to settle and my voice was reaching almost an hysterica pointl, but I was willing to do anything to made him stay,even if a little voice in the back of my head was telling me he was right, I was not a good company for anyone and definitely not the best friend he could get, but I needed him and would do anything to see him happy, I can change, cant I?
But do you want to change? My subconscious knew my reluctance to change this comfortable reality that I have built around me,I was scared to change because I did not know what to expect,and was what scare me the even if I did change,did I have anything left to give to him?No,I don't think I had,but maybe,just maybe I could be enough.
-ITS SAM ISN'T IT?Its him that told to say these things Jake, this is not you, you always knew that I was not oK,and you always accept that ... but I can change, if you give me more time maybe I'll try. .
-Maybe I´m tired of trying to fix you, have you thought about that?-He was being rude, he wanted to hurt me, he wanted me to quit but why?
-I don't believe it-there was no conviction in my words. Maybe he has had enough of me, I seem to had that effect on people -Jacob, we need to talk better ...
-NO ..-his tone startled me, there was something very wrong, he was rushing me,and was not giving me any explanations - Have a good life Bella, take care,goodbye.
He hung up even before I had an opportunity to answer, this was not my Jacob, something happened, something terrible to turn my cheerful and carefree friend in this person rude and unknown to me, I would find out what it was, if it was against his desires what is the worst that could happen? He told me not he didn't want me .The pain that hit me at that moment left me breathless, he didn't want me, no, that's not what he told you,he said I don't want to see you anymore, but the similarity of these words didn't left my head,What was with me that everyone I love gets tired sooner or later?'Am I so miserable?i was stepping into a mined field with this thoughts but rather to give myself to despair and pain I decided to put them in a box and deal with them later .Jacob needs me, I will not let anyone destroy the person he is, especially that Sam, and this sparked an unknown rage in me. I´been a desensitized to almost everything these last few months,that these new unknown feeling woke it was good or bad,it remained to be seen.
-This will not stand, he has to give me an explanation,I cant believe ..
-Who are you talking to Bella?-I was so distracted that I didn't hear the knock on the door, but it was also something that I was already used to,for my senses were in a constant state of obliteration for some time now.
-I was talking to Jacob, am going to the reservation-As soon as the words left my mouth, I put my old AlStars on, took the keys from my old van and went downstairs without even asking Charlie´s permeation, he knew that the presence of Jacob brought me peace, and he would have no opposition I meet him.
The journey to the reservation was short, not by the speed of the truck but because of the spiral of thoughts that clouded everything else around me.I was grateful for the fact that I did this path numerous times and that way I needed the minimum attention to do it,and could think about the question that was pounding in my mind, what exactly would I say?
I didn't had much time to think, because as soon as I stopped the van beside the little red house, I saw Sam and Paul leaving through the front door. Quickly I took the seat-belt of,witch I had no recollection of having put on, and slam the door behind me with much more force than necessary .As soon as their eyes rested on me, alerted by the noise, my temper won the fight with my rationality and I confronted them.
-What did you do to Jacob, Sam? Your little cult hadn't enough disciples so you decided to go all vacuum cleaner salesman and knock all the doors of the reserve to sell your crazy theories?- I was out control, he was at least twice my size,, but I didn't feel threatened, I wanted answers and hey, what the hell, I have nothing else to lose.
-Bella,go home, you shouldn't be here - his tone was calm, almost complacent, which ignited my already out of control "evil genius".
-I am not one of your disciples Sam, you can t tell me what to do - he was completely delusional if he thought he could control me like he control those Rez boys.
-who you think you are ?,can t you take a hint?, Jacob doesn't want to see you - This time it was Paul who talked, Sam looked at him with an air of authority, but he did not see him, and kept on - What do you want from Jacob, ha? information to the enemy your filthy traitor?-his words made no sense for me, but he was spitting them with a rage so strong that I could almost felt it touch every part of my body.
-Paul, enough ... Bella, I think its better for you to go home,Charlie must be worried, when Jacob .. feel better .. I am sure he will tell you.
I heard his words, but my attention was in the extremely exalted teenager next to look he was giving me was deadly, I know I was being rude, but the hatred emanating from him went well beyond the trim that someone feels when offended,his huge figure was shaking up and down, and when my eyes came back to find his, for the first time in a long time I felt fear.
-I want to talk to him now, I know Jake, I know he's not well ... he might need me ..
-You know he is not well? What does he say? What you know traitor? Going to call all your little friends?-His words once again did not make any sense to me, my only friend was Jake and I was unable to betray him in any way,I would do anything to help him. And was that thought that gave me the strength to say the words that followed.
-I´m a better friend that you ever be,here the only traitor is you Paul, you were the one that join Sam ´s cult instead of protecting your friends!
And it was with these words that everything exploded .
Paul twisted like crazy person,while Sam screamed to me to get away,what is wrong with him,is he having a stroke? I felt someone pulling my hand and startled me since I had not seen anyone come close, but when I looked to see who it was, I heard a loud sound completely unrecognizable but terrifying ,and when I looked back at the two men, I saw that I was only in the presence of one of them, and that in place of Paul was a huge bear, or so I thought, but when I looked more closely I saw that it wasn't really was bear, but a huge wolf and his eyes were fixed on me.
-Bella, get out of here, NOW!-Billy's voice was urgent and authoritative, but despite being scared and my mind tell me to run, I couldnt leave him there at the mercy of that monster.
Billy-No, I'll help you ..!, And I grabbed his hand, as I was turning around to grab the chair I heard Sam´s voice warning me again.
-Bella get out of here! Paul calms you as you command your Alfa ..
Why wasn't he running for him to,was I the only one seeing the danger there?But it was too late, the giant wolf came towards me and in a reaction of self-defense and put my left arm in front of my face, as I did it I felt something ripping it that made me screamed aloud, the pain was horrible and in a matter of seconds I saw my arm inside the mouth of the wolf, he threw me into the air like a rag doll, causing me to fall on the hood of my truck several yards from the place where I was.I was facing down and my arm forward when i lifted my head what I saw shocked me and led me to believe that I would die arm was twisted in an unnatural angle, with cuts so deep I could see the bone, the blood draining at an alarming rate, was that piece of torn flesh that was my arm,that made me realize that everything was over, I would die right there at the mercy of that showfreak, and if finished the rest of my body as my arm, not even Charlie would recognize me. Charlie ... no parent deserved to see their child in this state, he did not deserve anything I been doing these last months, he was really suffering, and now he was receiving the final blow, I finally succeeded, I destroyed all those I loved. As the adrenaline left my body I started to feel an uncontrollable fatigue,I couldn't see the wolf any more,but I didn't care,it was over.
-BELLAAAA! The urgency in Jacob´s voice was the last thing I heard before the panic for the life of my friend hit me and I plunge into darkness.
I knew I was dreaming,I always do,all my dreams start the same way but these one was different.
It was very dark, I was by myself, barefoot, naked, and I didn't know where to go, there was not a single sound surrounding me. But this was not the weird part in my dream, that was the part that I already was accustomed to. What was strange was that I wasn't afraid, I knew that whatever it was that lurked in the darkness I could face it,and i am will win.
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP ...
The shrill sound of the machine, reached me into the depths of my dream, and brought me back to consciousness .I didnt need to look around to know where I was, I had an extensive experience with hospitals, and the noise of the machine was not sufficiently familiar the smell surely was.
In a metter of minutes everything that happened start coming back to me,the wolf,Billy...Jacob!
What happened?'The last thing I remembered was the voice of my friend screaming my name, after the wolf attack me ...
No, Jacob, No. .. what happened to him?Did he tried to fend off the monster of and get hurt doing it,or worse?, And Sam, Billy?
I pulled the needles linked to the medical equipment in an attempt to search for the remaining victims of my attack, but when the needle left my left my left hand, something clicked in my head.
-My arm ..-it took me a few seconds to look when the latest images of my arm hit me like a tonne of bricks, but as soon as I opened and closed my hand, I felt only a slight discomfort, my eyes went to him and what I saw left me in the least astonished.
I remembered the sorry state and for certain irreparable my arm was, but what I remembered and what was in front of me were two things completely different The last time I saw it he was a mess, but instead of the horrible image that a remembered, there were a few small lines, a pale pink, which would almost be unnoticed. My stomach sank, and I felt myself freeze.
Impossible .. how long am I here?
-2 days -responded my father to my unspoken question - but this is the first time I see you conscious Bells,how are you feeling?
-Ok I think - My voice was hoarse almost unrecognizable.
-Did you remember what happened?-Charlie's voice sounded tired, but what really worried me were his words ... 2 days ..That wasn't possible, was it? was not, my arm did not recover so fast.
-What happened?- my voice sounded better than his, I managed to hide the shock I felt at that moment.
-You fell in the forest Bells, Sam found you at the entrance of the reserve bleeding, lying on the ground. What were you doing in the forest Isabella, when I strictly told you it was dangerous , there are many bears around, you know better than that Bella!-He was now angry, very angry. But I was not in the forest, was I? NO, I went to see Jacob, argued with Sam and Paul, and Billy was there too, so why was I in the forest? They saw that huge wolf attack me did they took me to that fores?that didn't make any sense.
-No, I went to see Jake and then ...
-Whe had a little discussion and you decided to take a walk to calm yourself, Bells .Tht was a bad idea, you could have found a bear and died.-Jacob found himself leaning in the door, he appeared to be relaxed, but the look he has directed me when telling his little story said otherwise.
-What? .. No.. my arm was destroyed .. was a giant wolf .. Billy-my anxiety left me baffled and the words that come out of my mouth were piling up meaningless. If my idea was to prove that Charlie I was telling the truth, I was doing a terrible job.
-A giant wolf? What are you talking about Bells? I dont understand, Jacob?
-She is confused Charlie is medication- the arrogant tone that he was using irritated me beyond reason,why was he making me pass as a liar? Or crazy? He was there, I heard him, he saw what I saw.
-I'm fine thanks for asking- I said bitterly to him- and I know exactly what I'm saying, Billy was there too, like Paul, I mean, he was no longer there, but Sam, they saw the wolf attack me, and my arm ... he was broken, he threw me onto the car, and...
-Wow, calm down Bells, are you telling me that you were attacked by a wolf? And he broke your arm?-He looked at my arm, and his look said it all "you r confused".
-It's like I told you Charlie, is the medication- he once again intervened to put the doubt in my words, what was he doing?
-You were also there, I heard you call me ...
-No Bella,you left the house after the little discussion we had, and went into the forest - The tone he was using was undoubtedly to ridicule me and to show Charlie that my story made no sense.
-NO! I DIDNT EVEN TALKED TO YOU BECAUSE I SAW SAM AND PAUL FIRST! THEN THE WOLF APPEARED ,GRABBED ME BY THE ARM AND THREW ME UP AGAINST MY VAN,YOU KNOW THESE YOU SAW IT TO,WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!-I was screaming but he didn't even flinch and Charlie was just surprised by my outburst.
-Bella , you very confused, you saw Sam and Paul getting out of my house and you were mad at me for taking time for them and not non for you. After you left and said you were going for a walk to think,Iwaited around an hour before I call Sam to come and help me look for you, which was not necessary since he met you on the way to my house .. and your arm suffered only a few minor scratches you can hardly say that was broken,drama queen as always- ended the story with a smile, I could see that he had thought the story well before, and that it was built so there is no doubt for anyone but me ..
-Why are you doing this Jacob?-I felt crushed,my only friend was treating me lik crazy liar,when a need him the most.
-I'm just telling the truth Bella, maybe you should sleep a little longer to see if the rest of the medication strips of your system ..
-I DO NOT WANT TO SLEEP! I M VERY SANE AND I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!-I was livid, I felt a burning rage within me, I just wanted to screaming and toss them until they believe in me.
-WHY YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN WHAT I'M SAYING ... I AM NOT CRAZY! -Good idea-it is the first thing a crazy person would say, and given my repertoire in the recent months, do not think Charlie will give the benefit of the doubt, it only infuriates me more, is so unfair ...
-Calm down Bells -The frightened voice of Charlie came to me, pulling me from anger and hysteria that were consuming me-what is going one honey, I never seen you like this?
Neither did I, where that come from?Something came over me a moment ago an unknown and dangerous thing that I could not control, and when my eyes meet those of Jacob I saw he knew exactly what it was, the worse, was that watever it was,he was scared of it.