A/N: glad to see digimon is just as gay now as it was before
no but seriously I grew up with this series and now I'm just recently watching digimon tri and let me just say holy shit. also my other fanfics are being finished right now I just wanted to get this out there. there'll be another chapter to this but that'll be in a bit.
All things considered, Taichi should have been pissed off.
Sure, yeah, he'd missed his Digimon friends. He missed the adventures that he went on, the constant thrill, the ups and downs of the Digital World, the bonds he'd formed with others - they were all definitely on his mind pretty much constantly, okay? But then, there was the heartbreak, the loss, the nonstop danger and feeling of doom, the conflicts he had with those he considered closest - those, he didn't miss.
All in all, he was actually starting to get used to normal life. Taichi never got much of a chance to be a real kid and, honestly, it was a bit refreshing to be a real teenager.
His issues ranged from losing his clothes, to girls at school not noticing him, to being behind on his assignments. Normal stuff.
He was beginning to deal with his relationships, and with his own, personal problems. Feelings for his friends, his own priorities, how other people felt; he was, for once, doing some real introspection. Because he had the time to. No consistent threat. No sense of urgency. Just domestic, day-to-day life. It left him quite the opportunity to think, since he before had a hard time doing so under pressure.
It let Taichi develop a stronger relationship with his sister.
It let him sort out how he really felt about Sora. And, uh, about Yamato. That was a bit more of a muddled subject.
It let him consider what he actually felt about all he'd done, and reflect upon his actions. How much he'd hurt people. How much he couldn't take it back. For a bit, he was more or less over it, and could forgive himself to an extent.
And then a Kuwagamon appeared.
The bastard.
Okay, yeah, Kuwagamon in general weren't really the root cause of all of his problems, but they certainly marked the beginnings of them, so it was a lot easier to just get angry at them for everything. Better to take out anger on something that deserved it. It was fate, probably. The Insectoid freaks kept appearing just for the sake of causing trouble which, alright, sure, was kind of their purpose, but still.
Up until that exact moment, when their Digimon all came back, when his own became an integral part of his life once more, he was actually getting used to being normal. More specifically, being a normal teenager.
Can't jack off in my room anymore, I guess, was a thought he remembered having, and then he cringed at himself because wow, gross, that was so uncalled for and completely besides the point and, my God, he was such a teenage boy it wasn't even funny. What a dishonor to Agumon. Having Agumon there again reminded him of his own childish and at least somewhat innocent mindset as a kid, which just made him feel even more ashamed.
It was nostalgic. And also really weird.
Because it had been years since then. He got a lot more mature and had a lot more adult-ish things to worry about.
Like college and the future. He didn't have to think before about how to pay his tuition or what major to choose. Or even really maintaining his grades. Spending a lot of time in the Digital World made his problems regarding the real world feel a bit more than unimportant and irrelevant.
Another problem he was only currently dealing with is his, uh, personal life. As in, sexually. He was a very sexual teenage boy. And even though he heard from a lot of people about how that was normal, it didn't seem to be the case for the rest of his friends. Yamato never changed from being completely focused on his work and his band. Joe wasn't much different about his own schooling.
But he was relatively good at hiding it, so maybe everyone else was the same.
It wasn't like Taichi was about to ask any of them.
And, like, romance was a thing. It had kind of been a thing since he was young, but only in the form of a tiny crush on Sora, because, come on, she was super cute and grew up to be beyond pretty, all while being one of the coolest people Taichi had ever met. It was natural that he'd have a crush on her. And it wasn't like that lessened over time at all. Even then, he still thought of her a lot.
It was just, okay. His stupid crush on Yamato was a lot more annoying.
And yeah, it was totally a crush. No doubt about it. He wasn't gonna just pretend like his super close bond with the guy was completely pure or only based in friendship or any bullshit like that. Even though he still thought of Yamato as his best friend, that wasn't really the only thing he felt. He also wanted most of the things with Yamato that he'd wanted with Sora. Most.
It wasn't as if he liked Yamato more than Sora, or Sora more than Yamato. He liked and cared about them in similar ways, sure, but they were distinct enough that he couldn't really put one over the other. Taichi liked them equally.
But, like, he could deal with liking Sora. It was normal. His feelings for her were easily understandable, because she was a girl and he'd been so obvious for years in his dumb crush that there really was never much confusion between where they stood with each other on an emotional level; at least, not from his end. His crush on her wasn't quite so frustrating.
He couldn't deal with liking Yamato in that way.
At least, he decided, he couldn't deal with it if he couldn't confront it immediately. His only solution was to get his feelings out of the way as soon as possible.
And he wouldn't lie - there was one very specific reason that he was thinking of all of this.
Taichi rested his head against the wall and glanced over at his best friend. They'd both been on his bed, lazily hanging out after school. Taichi had been staring blankly at a Game Over screen on his television for the past five or ten minutes with a controller abandoned at his feet, having forgotten entirely what he was even playing, while Yamato was too busy finishing his homework to notice.
He'd been building up to this for a while - well, actually, no, he wasn't. Taichi didn't plan on telling Yamato his feelings this soon at all, but he knew that he'd probably never get the chance to if he didn't do it at some point in this lifetime.
Things were too simple when they were kids. Even then, his obvious bond with Yamato was just an aspect that was more or less on the backburner, something that kind of existed without him thinking too far into it. First was I have to save the world, and then a few other important-to-the-moment thoughts, and then it was I care about Yamato a whole lot. So, like, he went years never really analyzing how far his emotions ran and in which direction.
And it seemed like just as Taichi was getting his feelings in order, they were thrust back into the whole saving the world thing again, and the same thing was probably going to happen.
If things keep going the way they are, he thought in an exasperated tone, staring intently at his very good just-friend with absolutely no hint of romantic or otherwise non-platonic affection, totally, I'm going to be in my thirties before I confess to this guy.
That was just completely unacceptable. He couldn't go that long having a secret crush on his best friend. He'd probably die, or something.
"Hey," Taichi started, turning himself to face his friend, bed shifting slightly.
"What," Yamato replied, annoyed and forcing his face up from his homework.
Yamato didn't really expect to be met with such an intense stare, one that looked like it was actually straining Taichi's face, and his expression turned from irritation into one of surprise and confusion.
In his own mind, Taichi was panicking for the first time because wait - shit - he didn't think this through.
He didn't think this through at all.
He sat there for a moment, worrying that this friendship he'd built up for years through life-threatening hardships and through personal turmoil might be ruined, that this guy who he'd learned to care about so deeply might...
...He wasn't sure, actually.
Leave him? That was, all things considered, unlikely, but it didn't stop him from worrying.
Hate him? That was already a concern he'd had basically all the time, but if Yamato didn't hate him at this point for all he'd done, it would be a genuine shock if this was what did the trick.
It'd be strange losing a friend like Yamato. They knew each other ridiculously well, knew things that no other person knew about each other. They shared the most intimate moments of their lives together. And to just suddenly have that destroyed, to be forced to cut off all contact with Yamato, was, while a devastating thought, also really hard to imagine.
Things might be weird for a while, was the conclusion he came to. Things might be weird forever. But it'll be better to get this off my chest now than to ignore it. We've been through worse. We can get through this.
With that, pretty much all of his fear was gone, but his heart rate didn't decrease by much. His determined look gave the puzzled boy across from him no context and no hint as to what he was about to convey. Taichi closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and attempted to clear his head.
"I have feelings for you."
The words came out a lot more solid and clear than he'd been expecting, as if he wasn't scared out of his damn mind of what would come of this, as if he was actually completely confident in what he'd been saying, even if his words were totally vague and actually fairly hard to understand. He hoped that he got his meaning across with that so he wouldn't have to elaborate.
Yet, as Yamato stared at him blankly and took on a confused expression, Taichi felt his face heat up and a feeling of embarrassment washed over him.
"...Are you sick, or something?" Yamato said in a - my god, Taichi thought in mortification - genuinely concerned voice. That was never a good sign.
He shook his head and frowned. "No, I'm - I - I like you. That's...what I mean," he clarified lamely.
Whether his best friend could actually understand what he was saying, he had no idea, because he was far past the point where fully looking Yamato in the face was actually possible, and the only thing in his head was a broken record going regret regret regret.
For a moment, Yamato started multiple different sentences, jumbling up incoherent words and, homework forgotten on the bed, waving his arms around before he finally let out, "Do you even know what you're saying?" and it seemed like at least he knew what Taichi was saying, because his face was tinted red in embarrassment.
Which, like, was both good and bad, because on one hand, at least Taichi wasn't the only one who looked like a complete mess. But on the other hand, it just made Taichi feel like even more of a complete mess. He closed his eyes and groaned loudly in exasperation while running a hand through his hair. It seemed to shut Yamato up, at least for a moment.
Taichi turned to lie down on his bed, head hanging off the edge, and proceeded to grab a pillow and push it over his face before replying in a muffled voice, "Forget it. I just wanted to let you know, that's all. It's not a big deal."
He probably looked and even sort of felt like a wounded puppy - one that accidentally hurt itself. Cringing at his own actions and words, he replayed the last few moments in his head and stopped speaking so as to prevent himself from digging his grave even deeper.
Silence fell over them and part of him wished it had stayed that way, just so he could pretend he didn't just do that.
But, then, another part of him wanted the silence to end as soon as possible just so he could figure out what exactly Yamato was even thinking, how he was taking all of it, because he couldn't decide whether knowing or not knowing was more unbearable.
"...How long have you felt this way about me?" The question came out slowly, in a tone of voice that Taichi couldn't quite place. Was Yamato disgusted? Was he angry? There was no way to tell, and that just made him even more frustrated.
"I don't know," he exclaimed, ripping the pillow away from his own face to glare incredulously at an unreadable Yamato. "A while, maybe? It's not like I made a milestone of, The Day I Realized That I - ugh," not wanting to finish his own stupid tangent, Taichi put his head in his hands. He suddenly felt really vulnerable, which was usual with Yamato, but it wasn't the same kind of vulnerability.
He couldn't bring himself to look over at the other boy, not even when Yamato moved closer. "What do you want?"
The question came to Taichi as a surprise. He looked up at his friend, who still looked painfully uncomfortable. His head was turned and his blond hair was slightly dissheveled, as if he'd been running his hands through it a lot. "What do I want?" Taichi repeated, staring blankly at the other. It was vague, but he had a feeling of what exactly it meant.
He looked up to the ceiling and thought. What did he want?
Well, a lot, he decided. He wanted to be with Yamato. No, wait, that was entirely right. Technically, he was already 'with' Yamato - they had a deep and personal relationship that neither had with anyone else. And if that relationship never changed, he'd be perfectly fine and happy. But he also wanted to be with Yamato in a specific and different way.
Different, kind of like how he wanted to be with Sora, but it wasn't entirely the same. Close enough, though.
"I guess..." he started, unsure of himself. "I want normal things. Normal...romance things, I mean."
Still not making eye contact, Yamato nodded and immediately replied, "Like what?"
"Y - you're going to make me go into specifics?"
"Stupid!" the blond exclaimed, face turning even more red - jeeze, Taichi thought, cringing, that just makes everything so much worse - "I just need to know what you want from me, okay?"
"But I already told - " Taichi cut himself off and sat up, rubbing his face with both hands. He crossed his legs and stared down at the sheets. "Okay, I guess I want, uh. Well, you know how romantic stuff works. Holding hands, and - "
Tilting his head to the side, Yamato cut him off, "But we've held hands before, when we were kids. What, do you want to do that again?"
"You know that's not what I mean!" he had to calm down; it actually felt like they were having an argument over this, which wouldn't have been surprising, but would have been totally ridiculous. "There's a difference between two friends holding hands and holding hands when you're in a relationship."
The blond nodded, then gestured for him to continue.
He rubbed the back of his head and felt his stomach jump in nervousness. "I, uh. And, y'know, usually people do stuff like hugging and - and, like, holding each other, and k - kissing, when they're in a relationship."
"You want to kiss me?"
When Taichi imagined this going down in his head, the most prominent expected reaction was one of uncomfortable disgust, not vague skepticism. Yamato was taking all of this shockingly well, and reacting to all of the embarrassing stuff with a slightly more surprised, 'oh, that's interesting, I guess,' reaction. And that filled him with a mixture of frustration, confusion, and relief.
Was he just not getting it? Was Taichi not being clear enough in how much he'd obsessed over this guy for more than half of his life? Was he not getting across just how stupidly into Yamato he had been?
"You...okay, no, listen," he tried, putting a hand to his own chest, "I really like you, okay? Like, a lot. I have a huge crush on you."
"I'm," apparently, Taichi had snapped Yamato out of deep thought, hand on his chin and everything, and the blond teen raised an eyebrow, "I'm...aware of that, now. You just said that you wanted to kiss me."
"Oh."
That had been the temporary end of the conversation. They both fell into silence, Yamato looking as if he was attempting to process everything and Taichi leaning back against his headboard to cool down from his little accidental bout of actively trying to humiliate himself. He couldn't tell what his best friend was thinking, and the regret over what had just transpired came flooding back.
Did he just mess up?
It felt like he'd just messed up.
But Yamato wasn't recoiling in terror, or running out of the room, or doing anything that was admittedly over the top but expected from Taichi's imagination. The worst case scenario hadn't happened thus far, and that was a good sign, right? It meant that Taichi probably kept his best friend, and that said best friend probably didn't hate him forever or considered him gross or weird - well, weirder than usual.
Those were all probably's, though. He couldn't have been sure, because Yamato was being so uncharacteristically quiet. Like, okay, being quiet actually was pretty normal under most circumstances, but he almost never shut up if it was for the sake of complaining about something.
He was just kind of...sitting there, though. Thinking. Still kind of blushing. It was a little - he didn't finish the thought and instead banged the back of his head against the wall. The sudden sound made Yamato's eyes shoot upward for a moment before traveling back down, brows somehow furrowing even more in thought than before, if that were possible.
"Oh, it's - " Yamato's gaze found the clock behind Taichi's bed. "Shit. I didn't think it was that late. I have to - "
"Huh? Oh...oh! Yeah," replied Taichi in a hurry.
At first, he was wondering if it was just an excuse to get out, but with a quick glance at the time he saw that it actually was late, and his friend was supposed to be back home almost half an hour prior.
He hadn't been listening, and didn't catch Yamato muttering a short, "See ya," as he rushed out the door.
Taichi waited a few minutes, trying to take in what the hell had just happened, and then yelled into his pillow.
Things were...normal, surprisingly enough.
Or, at least, they were as normal as they could have been, what with the Digimon being there again. But things didn't change between their friend group. If there was anything off about the way Taichi and Yamato acted, either no one mentioned it, or no one could tell. Yamato didn't treat him any different, didn't act weird, didn't shy away from their friendly interactions or even touches.
At first, it calmed Taichi down, because he'd been so worried that he completely ruined their relationship over the course of about fifteen minutes, but that didn't seem to be the case at all.
Then, as with everything those days, he started overthinking it.
It was actually worrying how smoothly things were going. He was beginning to get concerned that telling Yamato how he felt actually was a terrible idea, and actually did destroy their friendship, and that Yamato was just trying his hardest to repair the damages by pretending the conversation never happened. As time went on, that unfortunately seemed to be the most logical conclusion.
And it left him feeling anxious and horrible, especially when they were over at each other's houses.
Being alone together left an enormous elephant in the room. They could be acting just like they always would but there'd be just a slight shift in the air, a small change in tone or a hesitation in a touch. It was so small, but so very distracting. Taichi wasn't sure how long he could take it.
Almost a month had passed, and things evened out.
So what if Yamato didn't want to acknowledge it? Taichi decided that, hey, that outcome really wasn't all that bad, actually. His friend likely just wanted to save him the mortification of being turned down and went with the route of ignoring it altogether. It actually turned out pretty merciful, in a way, and Taichi was perfectly fine staying friends. It wasn't like he'd had much difficulty doing so before.
In the end, he got his feelings off his chest, to the person said feelings were directed toward no less, and that person didn't hate him or react badly. Or even react at all, actually, not including the brief period of what appeared to be just a processing of the information given. But no reaction was better than a bad reaction. No answer was better than a bad answer, even if a part of him wanted to get some level of confirmation.
Taichi actually forgot about it a few times - the confession itself.
During a particularly intimate moment, which was actually fairly common, he'd worry for a few moments about giving any hint that he might like Yamato, and that Yamato might find out, but wait, he already knew, so there was no reason to stress over it.
It was freeing, in a way, even if it wasn't ideal.
And then, one day, they'd been back at Taichi's house, sitting once more on his bed. Taichi had been half-reading a comic while some action movie was on his television in the background, Yamato only partially paying attention. And while he couldn't say that things were completely back to normal, his confession was probably the last thing on Taichi's mind.
Yamato had been...distracted, which didn't fit him much at all.
His hands were fidgeting, face turned away, and it looked as if he really wanted to say something, but either couldn't find the words or couldn't bring himself to just come out with it. Shaking his head finally, the blond shifted his body to face Taichi and pursed his lips together.
It was weird.
And completely unlike Yamato.
For the last few minutes, Taichi had decidedly pretended to not notice, instead treating the situation and his friend like a scared, wild animal; he'd sit there until the blond approached him on his own. It wasn't like the idea of hey, maybe he'll finally acknowledge that thing I said a month ago, hadn't crossed his mind at all, but it had only been there briefly.
There were a million other things that Yamato might have wanted to talk about, especially with everything going on at that point. Though, it was still unusual for his straightforward and blunt friend to be so nervous.
It seemed that, finally, he'd worked up the courage to say it.
"Lately," he started, eyes finding the egg-shaped alarm clock behind Taichi very fascinating, "I've been thinking more about - uh - stuff."
A couple of seconds passed and Taichi clapped his hands together, grinning despite his sudden nervous disposition and raising an eyebrow. "Very descriptive!"
"Okay, listen, asshole."
Even though Yamato was obviously irritated, it seemed like the mood was lightened just a bit.
"I've needed to talk about this for a bit, but I couldn't think of how to bring it up again, or what to ask," Yamato explained with a confused expression. The moment of complete honesty immediately made Taichi let his guard down, but his friend didn't seem to notice, as if he had no idea of what he was even saying. "I'm still not sure I understand everything."
At that point, it seemed obvious what he was talking about, and Taichi was a bit more than shocked. Was he really trying to talk about it, even though it had been a month since the topic was brought up? Was that actually what he was saying?
But Taichi didn't want to assume - or, more like, didn't want to look stupid. "What...exactly are you trying to understand?" he asked, frowning.
It looked for a moment that Yamato was genuinely annoyed with that, despite the fact that he'd been so unclear. "Your feelings for me," he said bluntly, and goddamnit, Taichi wasn't ready for that. He hadn't prepared himself to be having that conversation at all. Why did Yamato wait until just then to bring it up when they'd spent so much time together? Was he thinking about that the whole time?
Before Taichi could obsess over those questions, his best friend sighed heavily.
It was clear that multiple things were on his mind, and that he just couldn't decide which one to focus on first. "I never asked you before, but I keep thinking about it," Yamato began with his arms crossed. "You said you have a crush on me. What about Sora?"
Oh.
That was unexpected, at first, but it was a legitimate question. It wasn't like Taichi had ever been extremely subtle with his feelings for Sora, and he had a pretty good idea that Yamato had those same feelings for her. In fact, they'd acted as love rivals for some time. It would have been natural for him to wonder what exactly changed - or, actually, to wonder if anything changed, when it really hadn't. Not much, anyway.
More than anything, it added on to the level of I really didn't think that through in regards to his little confession around a month prior. Like, he probably should have explained himself beforehand.
"Yeah, I like her, too," and when Yamato's expression only fell into more confusion, Taichi continued. "I've liked her for a long time, but I already know how I like her. I mean, I've liked you for a long time, too, ever since we were kids - but it just took me a while to figure out what kind of like that was."
"You've wanted me for that long," his friend reiterated into a disbelieving statement.
"It's - it's not really that, what the hell, just," he started frantically, taken aback with his eyes widening at the implications of the question. "I just didn't realize what exactly my feelings for you meant until recently. The feelings were still there, but I never really thought of them as anything other than friendship, you know?"
At that, Yamato's gaze softened in what looked like a bit of understanding.
Even though it had been a month prior, Taichi remembered the entire awkward conversation and how much he hated the long silences, but they didn't seem to bother the other boy as much, for some reason. He appeared perfectly fine with not talking, and very not fine when he had to.
The fact that Yamato was, at that time, more comfortable with action rather than words and that Taichi was the opposite felt a little ironic.
It seemed like, as time went on, they came to change (as much as Taichi, in the beginning, assumed his friend had not) and to adopt certain aspects of each other's personalities. But instead of this bringing them closer, it just made things even more complicated and caused more problems than it solved.
It looked almost as if Yamato was in a sort of pain as he spoke, "And about what you want - the...romantic things, I mean - I was thinking about that," the blond's face grew red and his head tilted downward. He'd seemed a bit breathless, or maybe just completely mortified. Yeah, no, Taichi thought in an exasperated imaginary voice, definitely not ready for this conversation at all.
Context was pretty important to a moment. Taichi had seen his best friend nervous and self-conscious before, but he'd never felt it so empathetically, and it hadn't before ocurred to him that maybe his mindset during the confession he'd made a month ago didn't make a lot of sense. That while caught up in worrying if Yamato would hate him or be disgusted or never want to speak again, he'd never considered any other reactions.
He hadn't considered that Yamato might have felt just as confused about their relationship as him, or even moreso. That realization just made everything worse.
The thought that his feelings might have been reciprocated hadn't even crossed his mind. In fact, he kind of went to the worst case scenario immediately. But even then, it didn't seem like a possibility. Yamato had appeared more uncomfortable and pitiful than...however a person would appear if they were to be responding positively to a love confession. At least, that was how it seemed.
Taichi was almost too exhausted to be embarrassed. He rubbed his face with one hand and let out a small groan. "Okay," he decided, why not, he was interested enough in where his best friend was actually going with that. "Fine. Alright. So, you were thinking about it."
"Yeah," the blond confirmed with a nod. "Especially the - the kissing thing."
Fuck.
His shoulders jumped slightly and, uh, it turned out that he definitely wasn't too exhausted to be embarrassed. Right. He'd completely forgotten about that. Sure, he might not have outright said that he wanted to kiss Yamato, but he might as well have. No doubt that was conveyed, at least. And it wasn't like that was wrong, or anything, but it wasn't exactly something he'd planned on telling his friend.
It ended up happening anyway, though, and Taichi apparently just had to deal with that.
It was annoying, having his feelings so far out in the open without knowing anything about how Yamato was feeling or reacting.
Startling the blond, Taichi let out a heavy sigh, closed his eyes, and turned his head to the ceiling. "You are seriously trying to kill me. You know we don't have to talk about this, right?"
Apparently, that wasn't the answer his friend had been expecting. "Do you...not want to talk about this?"
"I don't really care!" the aggressive admission appeared to shock Yamato, but that just made Taichi angrier. "I'm perfectly fine with us just being friends, okay? I have been for a while, you know? I only told you how I felt to get it off my chest, not because I wanted to spend a million years talking about it awkwardly, or because I wanted to make you feel uncomfortable," as he kept speaking, his voice became softer and his head seemed to sink into his shoulders. "I know I changed things between us. I'm...I just thought keeping quiet about it would make it even worse."
A moment passed, and then another. He expected Yamato to get defensive and lash back out at him, but he didn't.
Yamato instead was surprised, but also...something else. The blond's face slowly fell. It was as if something totally obvious just dawned on him. As if he was internally calling himself an idiot a thousand times. "You think that I'm rejecting you," he said, head falling to look down at the bed.
"Is that not what you're doing right now?" Taichi replied in a way that sounded much more like an angry statement than a question, as if he were pissed off at the notion that Yamato might have been giving him the impression that anything else were possible. Wasn't that exactly what he was doing? There wasn't really a question there. It wasn't as if he was trying to do much of anything else.
Like, okay, sure, maybe he just genuinely didn't understand Taichi's feelings and wanted to get more information, but the way he was going about it felt a lot more like a verbal slap to the face, and an excuse to get the brunette to humiliate himself again.
"No."
Uh, he thought in complete monotone.
"In that case," Taichi replied with a blank look, setting both of his hands to his sides, "I have no idea what the hell is happening."
At that, his best friend narrowed his eyes, as if it was somehow Taichi's fault that Yamato was being completely vague and difficult. The sheer lack of understanding between the two of them was so anxiety-inducing that he couldn't think rationally about the situation at all. If he wasn't being rejected, he couldn't think of what was happening instead.
That confusion turned very quickly into frustration, and it seemed as though he wasn't the only one as Yamato loudly proclaimed, "I'm not rejecting you! I'm trying to say that - okay, I've been thinking about it, and I just think that, maybe," it was strange to see the blond so flustered and nervous, and his fingers twitched strangely as he spoke, "You know, maybe it wouldn't be too...bad."
Huh? It was almost like the embarrassed admission had broken Taichi. His brain didn't work fast enough to comprehend what his friend was saying.
His feelings were reciprocated? That didn't make any sense. Or, maybe they weren't entirely returned, but they were at least considered in a positive sense, and holy shit, that was way more than Taichi had ever expected or allowed himself to imagine.
So, Yamato had actually been considering a relationship between them. Taichi didn't know if he could actually handle taking that as reality.
He decided to think of something he'd been denying himself the entire time. What if he actually dated Yamato?
It wasn't like he had much of an opportunity to consider it. Before, he had enough to worry about, and never really thought of it as a possibility.
And what if they were to start dating? There was a lot to be afraid of. Even if they could coexist, being best friends and being boyfriends were still two very different things. Friendship was always a grey line with them; they'd been at each other's throats more times than one, but didn't really have an official relationship to end. But if they did? Taichi worried that, with their fights, they might break up like twelve times a week, at least.
Could they even act like a regular couple? Taichi imagined doing normal romantic things with Yamato - holding him, kissing him - Yamato raised an eyebrow at him when Taichi's face suddenly grew even redder. It was almost too much to think about, but then, he'd actively tried not to think about it before.
He was such a teenager. Maybe Yamato had more experience than him - but wait, shit, even thinking that made him feel weird.
Taichi sighed and burried his face in his palms. He then felt a hand press to the back of his head and pull him forward, straight into Yamato's chest.
At first, he wanted to freak out, but refrained when he got a short glance of Yamato's scrunched-up eyes and pink face. His arms fell to lazily slide against his friend's sides and he realized while listening to the rapid heartbeat pounding into his cheek that it was actually a lot easier to think without having to look at the other. Taichi thought that, at any moment, he'd get overwhelmed, but that didn't happen.
Being in the embrace was...somewhat calming, and allowed Taichi to reconsider everything.
They might not have had the capacity to be a normal couple, but their lives weren't normal, anyway. They weren't ever normal, and even though he'd gotten somewhat used to being a regular teenager for a time, Taichi didn't exactly want to be normal. He knew what he wanted, regardless of whether it would logically make any sense or not. It didn't matter his insecurities or worries about whatever relationship they might have.
He wanted to be with Yamato, and having his feelings reciprocated made that plausible.
Not having to look into the blond's face gave him the courage to finally express what he'd wanted to, "I want to be with you," he stated, words muffled by the shirt, bringing his fingers up to grip the other's back. He could feel Yamato physically react, shoulders and heart both jumping. "I want you," he continued in a quieter tone and pressed himself further against his friend. Saying it both gave him a sort of release and made him feel defenseless.
"...And you say that I'm killing you," replied Yamato in what sounded like a strained voice, and Taichi pulled himself away.
Their eyes met and something akin to a mutual understanding passed over them.
"So," Taichi began after letting out an exasperated breath.
"So," Yamato agreed in a similar manner.
The blond lowered his eyelids and looked away. Before Taichi could ask anything, he felt something brush his hand and looked down. Yamato's own fingers interlocked with his, and Taichi felt himself involuntarily smile as a warmth filled his chest. "Do you want to actually...try this out?"
There was a slight feeling of nervousness still filling his gut, though it was put to rest as his best friend squeezed his hand and went red.
Refusing to raise his head, Yamato responded, "Yeah, I want to."