Well, I guess I should start out by warning all of you that I wrote this in some sort of half-asleep state last night. I'm not sure where the idea came from, nor am I entirely sure that it's coherent. But, I just decided to let it see the day of light. I'm considering deleting it because it's just such non-sense.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. I only play with the character. And, in this case they're sort of OOC, so yeah.
"Hi Kurtsie," Brittany happily said, greeting Kurt who was standing in line for his afternoon coffee at the Lima Bean. He was alone for once, since Blaine was asked to join the council for their planning of the nursing home performance schedule / set list.
"Brittany, what's wrong with your hair?" Kurt asked, not holding back on his disgusted look. Her hair looked like she had thrown too much product in it, which in turn, made it look greasy and spiky all at once.
"I put in my leave in conditioner," Brittany deadpanned, as Kurt took a moment to realize that she had gone through the entire day like this, and not one person said a thing to her. Well, in her justice, Santana wasn't around right now.
"Come on, let me help you," Kurt said, taking Brittany's hands. He could get his coffee fix later. It would be worth it.
"Where are we going?" Brittany asked, her voice sounding instantly delighted as Kurt led her outside of school. She was more than happy to oblige because she loved her dolphin, and she got to hold his baby soft hands.
"We're going to your house," Kurt said, unlocking his doors with the button on his keys, before helping Brittany into the passenger seat.
"The sun is really bright today," Brittany noted, squinting, as Kurt climbed behind the wheel, "Wait. Where are we going? I need some coffee."
"No, Boo, we're going back to your house," Kurt said, enveloping one of her hands as he fumbled with his left hand to put the key in the ignition, since Brittany has taken hold of his right hand.
"Why my house? I like your house better," Brittany pouted, as Kurt managed to get the engine going. He peeled his right hand from Brittany's, so he could switch his Navigator from park to drive.
"But, your house has Charity," Kurt pointed out, as he pulled from his parking spot, slipping sunglasses onto his face to shield his eyes from the sun. After all, squinting too much is what causes crow's feet.
"Oh, Kurt, I think she's been reading my diary again," Brittany sullenly confessed.
"I can have another talk with her about your privacy," Kurt sighed, this was just like clockwork. He even knew the exact dialogue for her next line.
"I just think she forgets it, like I forget things sometimes," Brittany said, as Kurt flawlessly mouthed her words.
"And, you'll always have someone to remind you. I can remind her," Kurt said, with a shadow of a smile. He was pretty sure that if Charity had the option to claw his face up while he was sleeping that she would. She hated Kurt. He had a gut instinct about it.
The drive went on in relative silence, only matched with a slight sing along to some Ke$ha song that Kurt didn't recognize. Brittany knew it from the first syllable, and by the end, Kurt was joining in with the chorus. It was moments like this that Kurt appreciated Brittany's company.
"Look, we're at my home," Brittany said with a broad smile.
"Let's go inside," Kurt said, getting out from his car, slipping the keys in his waistcoat.
"I don't think I have my key," Brittany said, as she unsuccessfully attempted to open her front door, due to the fact that it was locked.
Kurt took his keys back from his pocket without a word as he flipped through the keys until he got the pink one with rose petals. It was the key that Brittany's parents had made for him and Santana. It proved useful in almost every situation they had with going to Brittany's house, considering she almost never had her house key with her.
"Hi Charity," Brittany cooed, picking up her fluffy ball of fur, who batted at Brittany's product stiffened hair; she held the cat in front of Kurt's face akin to the Lion King, "Kurtsie's here to talk to you about reading my diary."
"Charity," Kurt started off, trying to remember this speech word for word, "We've talked about this before. It's important that you give Brittany her privacy. She doesn't go off reading your diary, so you should respect her in the same way."
"Thank you Kurtsie," Brittany said, putting Charity back on the floor, "I think she'll remember it this time."
"No problem, Boo," Kurt said, fully knowing that in another week or so he'd be talking to the cat while Brittany held it up like she was on Pride Rock, "Now, let's go fix your hair."
"What's wrong with it?" Brittany cocked her head, as Kurt led her into her private bathroom. She smoothed her hands over her blonde hair in the mirror.
"I think it's the leave in conditioner," Kurt said, looking through the products that littered the shelf in her bathtub.
"But, you're supposed to leave it in," Brittany smartly said.
"Yes, Britt, but not for the entire day," Kurt gently said, as he found the culprit to Brittany's disaster hair. He promptly dropped the heavy bottle into her small garbage can.
"But, it says leave it in," Brittany persisted, knowing what the bottle read.
"I'll teach you how to condition your hair properly," Kurt said, watching as Brittany's face positively lit up, "Now, change into your bathing suit, while I go get some things."
This is how they ended up with Brittany sitting in a plastic lawn chair in her bathtub with Kurt standing behind her in a set of her old Cheerios sweats, with the pants rolled up to his knees; as if he was going to get his Dalton uniform wet from being a good friend. Brittany's laptop was teetered on the edge of her vanity.
"Is your webcam ready?" Kurt asked, after realizing that Brittany wouldn't remember how to properly use all of the products in her shower once he left. He deduced that a video would be their best bet. Actually, he would teach the proper means to shampoo and conditioner, since he already tossed the leave in conditioner.
"Yup!" Brittany chirped, as Kurt pressed the record button.
"Now, first you use the shampoo," Kurt said, showcasing the purple bottle to the camera. He worked it into a lather in between his hands, before using the foam to rid of the hardened leave in conditioner.
"It's like a head massage!" Brittany exclaimed, leaning further back into the chair, as Kurt worked his fingers over her scalp.
"Then, you rinse the shampoo from your hair," Kurt said, taking the head of the shower to rinse out her hair with the lukewarm water that it sputtered out, "Then, the pink bottle is conditioner."
Kurt squirted a dollop of the grapefruit scented conditioner into his hands, before working it into Brittany's blonde locks. She screwed her eyes shut, enjoying the magic that Kurt was working with her hair.
"See, just like this so it gets all foamy," Kurt said, as Brittany examined her computer screen to see exactly what Kurt meant. He was very gently working the conditioner into a single ponytail of blonde hair.
"It's like a hand job for your hair," Brittany slowly said, leaving Kurt reeling. His cheeks were turning a brighter pink than the conditioner that had gotten them to this point in their conversation.
As if Brittany couldn't say anything worse, she managed, "I bet you'd be good at hand jobs."
"What?" Kurt squeaked, his hands completely frozen in her hair.
"You're good at making the pink turn to white with my conditioner; it's like the same thing," Brittany said, the innocence in her voice ringing clear, but Kurt's mind was stuck with the innuendoes.
"I don't think –"
"You know your dolphin Warbler friend..." Brittany drifted off, giving Kurt a minute to think of his half dolphin / half bird friend, "Have you ever given him a hand job?"
"Brittany!" Kurt squawked, just getting over the entire conversation with Blaine about how he wasn't quite comfortable with sex yet. He was pretty sure the only reason he hadn't plugged his ears was because they were covered in suds.
"I think he'd like them," Brittany thoughtfully said, obviously not catching Kurt's embarrassment.
"So, you lather then rinse," Kurt awkwardly choked out, trying to get back on topic. He held onto the shower head with shaking hands as the water ran out, rinsing Brittany's hair clear of the bubbles.
"I know that you like Blair," Brittany giggled, like this was something top secret that only she had observed.
"Blaine," Kurt mindlessly corrected her, as he finished rinsing the last of the foam out of her hair.
Kurt put the shower head back in its holder as the hose coiled back up. His mind was stuck on the idea of giving Blaine a hand job, and him enjoying it. He didn't picture Blaine as a screamer, more of a deep moaner. The blush drained from his face, rushing to warm his lower torso.
"What are you thinking about?" Brittany asked, as Kurt seemed to become aware of his surroundings yet again.
"What do you mean?" Kurt asked, trying to think of anything other than hand jobs and Blaine. Rachel and Finn making out. Charity clawing his face off. Coach Sylvester being on top of the pyramid.
"I mean, what are you thinking about," Brittany reiterated her previous question because obviously Kurt was losing his hearing.
"Oh, just nothing," Kurt said, thankful that somewhere in his thoughts he was able to control the blood rush south.
"Fine," Brittany pouted for a split second, before delving back into, "If you ever need hand job practice for Blaise –"
"Britt!"
" – You can practice with my hair," Brittany smiled, wrapping her hands around Kurt's wet ones.
Kurt sighed, his mind going back to everything hand job and Blaine related, before he forced a smile, "Thank you."
"You're welcome," Brittany politely said, remembering the manners instilled in her; her voice grew soft, "Can we go get some coffee now?"
"Of course," Kurt chirped, before dropping a towel on her head, "Dry your hair, get dressed, and we'll go."
Kurt closed the door to Brittany's private bathroom, as he quickly changed back into his Dalton uniform. He placed the borrowed sweat set into Brittany's hamper, before sitting on the edge of her bed, waiting for her to get ready. His phone violently vibrated a couple of times, signifying a phone call. Blaine.
"Hello," Kurt answered, trying to push away all thoughts of hand jobs.
"I was wondering if you had your afternoon coffee yet," Blaine said, his voice teetering on downright flirty. Kurt blushed, enjoying the fact that the blood was still able to color his cheeks red, instead of coursing south.
"I was about to, but then I ran into Brittany. We went back to her house. And, we were just about to go back to the Lima Bean," Kurt rambled on, as the heat in his face increased, "You're welcome to join us."
"I'll see you in fifteen minutes," Blaine said, hanging up. Kurt gulped, wondering if he wanted Blaine and Brittany in the same proximity as him.
"Ready Kurtsie?" Brittany asked, padding out of her bathroom with damp hair. It was a major step up from the stiffness that her leave in conditioner had graced her with.
"Let's go," Kurt said, flinching as Charity walked into Brittany's room, "Oh, by the way, Blaine's meeting us there."
"Don't you mean Blake?" Brittany asked, her eyebrows scrunching together in the middle as she looped her arm with Kurt's.
"His name is Blaine," Kurt calmly reminded her, as they got outside to his Navigator. He opened the passenger side door for her, before getting behind the steering wheel.
The drive back to the Lima Bean was paired with a boisterous sing along to Lady Gaga's Born This Way. It seemed like the two glee clubbers were trying to out sing each other, which turned them into a puddle of laughter as the song wound to the end. A slower song started as Kurt pulled into a parking space.
"I can't wait to tell Blanche about –"
"Blaine," Kurt absentmindedly said, before getting serious, "Let's keep the hair washing a secret, okay?"
"Okay," Brittany agreed, lacing her fingers in between Kurt's soft ones. They walked into the Lima Bean with their fingers locked, raising a few glances from people who knew that Kurt was capital G gay.
"Hey, I was waiting for you two to get here," Blaine said, quickly enveloping Kurt in a quick hug, which Brittany joined in on.
"Hi Blythe," Brittany proudly greeted the half dolphin / half Warbler, as her eyes set on Blaine's semi-loose curls, "Is that where Pavarotti lives?"
Blaine shot Kurt a confused look, while his own expression was written over with horror. It seemed like their entire hand job conversation wasn't the only thing that Kurt had to be cautious of.
"Why don't you two grab us a table? I can order," Blaine suggested, dismissing Brittany's entire attempt at conversation.
"Thanks," Kurt said, giving Blaine his most apologetic look, ignoring Brittany's tugs on his hand for the recently available back booth, "She takes a tall soy vanilla latte."
"I got his name right," Brittany boasted, a grin on her face, as she slid into the booth.
"Blaine, just remember Blaine," Kurt sighed, almost enjoying the way that he got to say that name over and over again. It was like caramel in his mouth.
"Grande non-fat mocha, tall soy vanilla latte, and a medium drip," Blaine said, setting the appropriate drinks in front of each respective person.
"How much do I owe you?" Kurt asked, fumbling for his wallet that was in his waistcoat pocket.
"Don't worry about it," Blaine shyly smiled, as Kurt relaxed back into the black pleather in the booth.
"Blaine," Brittany whispered, peering through her eyelashes at the Dalton boy, "Kurtsie, I remembered."
"I know," Kurt proudly muttered back to her, resting a hand on hers.
"Did you know that Kurtsie has baby soft hands?" Brittany perked up, her eyes intently staring at Blaine, who was swirling his coffee cup.
"I did not," Blaine said, as Brittany had taken Kurt's hand. She rubbed his palm against the back of Blaine's hand, before settling their hands on top of each other.
"See, baby soft," Brittany smiled. Kurt's stomach did back flips as his hand was being warmed by Blaine's. The back flips only intensified as he went to pull his hand back, only to have Blaine flip his hand to link their fingers together.
The party of three sat in silence, sipping their coffees, with these silly smiles on each of their faces.
"I think that..." Brittany's soft voice broke the silence, as she drifted off, before getting her thoughts back, "Kurtsie is good at hand jobs."
Kurt choked on his coffee, as he pulled his hand from Blaine's grip.
"Brittany," Kurt dangerously warned, as Blaine was trying to not look like a bug with eyes popping out of his face.
"You said not to talk about the hair washing," Brittany said, a smart alec smile creeping up on her face.
"Britt," Kurt deadpanned, keeping his gaze level with her, as to avoid Blaine's eyes.
"Watch my drink. I'm going to the bathroom," Blaine excused himself, in a similar fashion to how he left Rachel Berry when he rediscovered his sexuality.
"Is he going to feed Pavarotti?" Brittany innocently asked, as Kurt's face flamed, trying not to think of Blaine's sudden leave from the table.
"I don't think so, Boo," Kurt said, pushing all vulgar thoughts of running off to the bathroom to help Blaine with his growing problem out of his head. Brittany opened her mouth to talk, so Kurt ordered, "Drink your coffee."
I honestly don't even know. Judge away.