Blaine won't ever tell Kurt,that he saved his life. Blaine won't tell Kurt,that the day he called out to Blaine on the stair case,that-that night he was going to kill himself. Blaine won't tell Kurt,that he gave him courage. No,he wont tell Kurt any of that. He doesn't need Kurt to pity him. He doesn't need to see Kurt cry,when Blaine tells him that he had every thing planed. That after Warblers practice he was going to cut his wrist. He was going to end his life.
Because he didn't have anything to live for.
But whats so different now?Whats stopping Blaine from slitting his wrist. He's alone,in his room on a Saturday nigh. Wes,David and about half of the other boys are on dates with their girlfriend/boyfriends and the others are at home for the weekend. Kurt's not around,because he's on a date. His first date.
Blaine use to like Alex,he use to be a nice guy and easy to talk to and he could sing really well but now-Blaine hates him. He can't even call Alex by his own name. He took Kurt. His Kurt from him.
He doesn't have anything to live for.
He doesn't have anything to live for,if he doesn't have Kurt.
That blade. That damn blade is mocking him. Thats damn blade is fucking mocking him. He wants to pick it up and just cut his skin. Just scare it a little more. His arms and thighs are disgusting filled with fading cuts and scars. There's two fresh one's. The first,thats located on his shoulder is the result of his failed English test and the other thats just under the first one is the result of Alex asking out Kurt. His Kurt.
Is it safe to say that Kurt's the reason he's still alive,but still wants to die.
Just to die and go to gay heaven or hell or where ever.
Blaine's just staring at the blade. It's on his night stand,next to his bed and Blaine's sitting on said bed cross legged in sweat pants and a long sleeved shirt. Even he's disgusted by his scars. How could anyone love him?
Full of scars and cuts. Empty of love. Full of lust. Empty of courage. Full of sadness and hate.
Just worthless. Completely worthless.
Nothing to live for. Some one to live for. Nothing to love. Some one to love.
That damn blade. That mother fucking blade. It's just laying there on top of Blaine's copy of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
How ironic.
"Stop mocking me,"Blaine hisses to the blade."Stop,"he says in a desperate whisper."Stop. Stop."he grips his hair in his hands.
"Worthless fag."
His father's hateful words echo in his mind. He can still feel his father's fist on his cheek splitting his lip. He can still see his father's eyes,dark chocolate orbs filled with hatred and...love...?
Blaine rocks back and forth on his bed. The days event's playing like a movie in front of his eyes. He wants to scream but he doesn't. People will hear,or they won't,or they won't care.
"No one cares."a voice in the back of his mind says.
"Kurt cares,"another voice says.
"Kurt's on a date,"Blaine says bitterly to the voices. He's going crazy. He's going to die.
He's going to kill himself.
He's going to kill himself,tonight.
He's going to kill himself,now. Right now.
Blaine rolls up his sleeve. He reaches for the blade and he doesn't know but tears are falling down his face. He makes a not-so deep cut away from any manger veins,just in case some one comes in.
He wants some one to come in.
He wants Kurt to come in.
Blaine makes another cut just under the first one,and then one under that and then one under that. He makes a trail until he's to his wrist and theres a lot of blood. So much blood that he's getting dizzy and thats not a good thing. He's so dizzy that he had to lay with his back against the wall and he's so dizzy that he doesn't hear his door open and the soft gasp of a certain blue eyed boy.
A certain blue eyed boy,Blaine's totally in love with.
The blue eyed singer takes the nearest cloth like object and presses it to the curly haired Warbler's arm.
And they just stay like that for a few minutes. Blaine leaning against the wall and Kurt adding pressure to his arm stopping the blood.
Blaine's eyes are closed,they've been closed the whole time Kurt's been there. He doesn't want to look at his friends face. He doesn't want to see the disgust and sadness visible in his features and his blue-green-gray orbs filled with confusion and something in Kurt's eyes that Blaine always sees but he can't figure out what it is. Maybe it's love?
But would Kurt still look at Blaine with love after this. After he sees that Blaine's not perfect and that he is in-fact ugly and disgusting and worthless and loveless. He can feel Kurt's eyes on him,he doesn't open his eyes. He never wants to open his eyes he just wants to,no pun intended die.
No,pun totally intended. He wants to die.
Kurt says something but Blaine doesn't hear him. He's dieing. Finally,hes dieing.
Oh fuck,he's dieing.
But isn't this what he wanted?He wanted to die. He wanted to just go to gay heaven,where the clouds are pink and theres unicorns and rainbows and everything is gay. But shit,he didn't really think this through. He did before.
Before he met Kurt,that it.
But now he wants to live again.
But,Kurt doesn't need him he has Alex. Wonderful,perfect,scar less Alex.
And now he wants to die again.
Damn it,Blaine make up your mind.
He can hear someone talking. No,not talking. The person's singing.
He's in heaven and the angels are singing to him,welcoming him to heaven. But then he opens his eyes and he realizes that he in-fact didn't die but just feel asleep and that Kurt has laid him down on his bed he closes his eyes again and he can feel Kurt running his hand up and down Blaine's arm. He can feel Kurt take something off his arm and then some thing cold is on his arm and something cold is on his forehead and he feels something much like lips press onto his cheek.
If Blaine wasn't so depressed and suicidal right now,he would be freakin out that Kurt has just kissed his freaking cheek. But he's not.
Totally not.
Okay,maybe a little.
He realizes that he's going to have to open his eye sooner or later because then Kurt will get really worried or more worried.
Their eyes met right away. Kurt's eyes say so many things like "What where you thinking?" and "Why didn't you just tell me." and Blaine's own eyes answer with "I feel so alone." and "Your going to hate me because I'm ugly and disgusting."
Kurt's the firsts to actually talk.
"Why?"He asks in a soft whisper. He really just wants to yell and scream at Blaine for being so stupid.
So fucking stupid.
Blaine looks away and doesn't answer he's to scared to. He's always to scared.
"Why?"Kurt asks,this time louder and he'll keep going louder and louder until he gets an answer,until he's shaking and crying. He'll wait a few minutes and then ask "Why?"getting louder every time.
Now he's standing in the middle of Blaine's room. Crying and shaking,looking much like Blaine had.
Blaine's sitting up with tears pouring from his eyes and each boy wants to hug the other. But they don't.
"Do you realize you could have died?"Kurt's voice is cracking from his cries.
"Did you ever think that I want to die?"Blaine's voice is bitter. His words cut Kurt,they cut Kurt like Blaine cuts himself. His words leave scars on Kurt's heart,like the scars on Blaine's body. Kurt licks his lips searching for words.
"No one cares about me."Blaine whispers,he wipes his eyes.
"I care,"Kurt says,stepping closer to the broken boy.
"No one wants me."Blaine plays with his shirts sleeve.
"I want you."Kurt answers. He sits next to Blaine.
"No one loves me."Blaine's voice makes Kurt want to start crying again,because he sounds so vulnerable and helpless. Kurt reaches out lifts Blaine's face to make Blaine look at him.
"I love you,"Kurt makes sure he stresses every word. He makes sure his statement is taken seriously and not just a i-love-you-in-a-friend-kinda-way. But he fears that with Blaine in the state that he's in he'll take it as a friend love. So Kurt leans in and genitally puts his lips over Blaine's. It's quick but filled with love and passion.
"Let me see your scars."Kurt says,his breath dancing on Blaine's bruised lips. Blaine really doesn't want Kurt to see his scares,he doesn't want Kurt to see how truly ugly he is. Kurt senses this,he senses that Blaine thinks he's ugly under his clothes.
"I have some on my legs,"Blaine states. He moves away from Kurt and takes his shirt off. Kurt doesn't know weather to be shocked by Blaine' perfectly toned body or by all the cuts on Blaine's arms and shoulders and there are some on his hip,Kurt can't believe that they go further down. Kurt moves closer to his crush and picks up his left arm. He kisses every scar and cut when he gets to Blaine's shoulder the taller boy whispers "Beautiful,"in Blaine's ear. He goes on the other side of of Blaine and does the same to the right arm. When he gets to Blaine's shoulder he moves his lips to Blaine's cheek and then over his jaw to his lips,where he keeps their lips attached for a few seconds. Kurt looks into Blaine's eyes,hazel pouring into blue.
"You're beautiful."
"I'm ugly."
"You're perfect."
"I'm disgusting."
"You're broken. I'm broken. Let's be broken together."Kurt grins.
"I'm suicidal."
"I'm here for you."
"You left me."
"My date was horrible."
"Why?"
"Because he's not you,"again Kurt stresses every word.
"Don't leave me,"Blaine plea's.
"Never,"Kurt wraps his arms around Blaine. After a while the two boys deice to lay on Blaine's bed,wrapped in each other's arms.