From the Author: Just something so you guys know that I'm not dead.
Disclaimer: I own no part of Inuyasha, not the anime, not the manga, nothing. Just the plot.
Spindle
You can't spin a happy ending from a tragic story, nor love from hate.
I want you to hate me.
'The words uttered then from her pale lips, devoid of emotion somehow filled the void of the night. Those moments then made me forget the possibility of dawn.'
"Sesshoumaru-sama?"
Sesshoumaru opened his eyes and looked up at the light filtered through the trees. Dazzling, light that sprinkled blossoms of rays over his form, separating the light from the darkness. He reached up a hand toward the light then let it rest over his eyes, shielding them from the unwelcome light.
"Sesshoumaru-sama?..." The toad companion at his side asked again. Jaken looked up at the light as well, unsure of what to do for the moment. Far away Rin's voice crying could be heard over the chirping of the birds.
"I'm sure..."
"Sesshoumaru-sama?-"
"That in time even Rin will forgive me."
This rare dialog filled Jaken with a sense of unease. It was rare that Sesshoumaru said something that was unneeded.
"Rin will forgive me in time. I can not. Let's go Jaken."
The wind separated the fallen leaves from the ground. Sesshoumaru didn't look back at the scarred tree. The marks made on the bark there, placed at the start of all this.
Kikyou had brought him back here. And she had kept him here. Despite what he had said about how short her life was he had tricked himself into forgetting.
When she had appeared to him-one of many times-offering a resting place, a place by her side that didn't demand anything of him, Sesshoumaru had agreed. What had started as a simple battle of wits, an argument about motives, had ended up into nothing more than a secret affair.
On that night she had leaned against that tree, twirling a piece of hair around her fingers after leaving him in a mess. Eyes diluted by the moonlight and skin that never warmed displayed only for him.
"What's the meaning of any of this?"
"There is no meaning," Sesshoumaru had replied as coldly and simply as ever. "It's just a physical need."
"I'm not talking about what we just did." Kikyou replied coldly.
"..."
She lowered her head and stopped the movement of her fingers, eyes hidden by the shadows around her. "I'm talking about why we're alive."
Sesshoumaru rarely smiled, it was a useless facial movement that was half-forgotten in his mind. Nothing had been was amusing until that question. The meaning of life, not even an immortal could answer it yet it was always asked. A smile twitched the corners of his mouth, the liquid gold of his eyes glowed in the dark as Sesshoumaru replied from his seat on the ground:
"We're here because we're here."
Kikyou looked up, eyes sharp with annoyance.
"Or if you prefer a better answer: to fuck, fight and die."
Her eyes grew large with his unexpected choice in words then her shoulders quaked with laughter. Kikyou looked up at him and smiled, a smile like light coming from the darkness.
"If that's all then I say we're living the ideal life. You and me, a demon and a zombie, living a life honestly that humans and the rest of them only dream of."
Sesshoumaru looked at the palm of his one remaining hand. At the creases in his palm and the little bit of her hair that had gotten wrapped around his fingers during their lovemaking. In the moonlight it seemed to be the only thing that still had warmth.
"Do you love me?"
He looked up at his question coming from her lips. Kikyou leaned against the tree again, the smile on her face looking like an open wound. Her voice that would never have any warmth or compassion repeated the question.
Knowing she wouldn't see it, Sesshoumaru lowered his eyes and made a fist, clutching the threads of her hair. What did it matter if he answered? It's not like it would matter. Kikyou was wrong, they weren't living an honest life, just living the best they could on a lie that they were too stubborn to not believe in.
If he told her, then that lie would disappear and the both of them would have nothing left.
"No."
"...Liar."
Kikyou pushed away from the the tree and looked up at the moonlight filtered through the leaves. She reached up a hand toward the lowest branch, brushing the tips of her fingertips against the leaves.
"The meaning of life...is the same as the meaning of death, sacrifice."
"Sacrifice?" His voice sounded dumb in the darkness. The hair clutched in his fingers suddenly hot from his body heat.
"This tree, this earth, my body; everything. The baby born today from the woman that dies tomorrow. The grass that grows over a grave, the animal that lives off the flesh of the weaker, everything in this life is a sacrifice. If I touch you..."
Kikyou knelt in front of him, this time her fingertips brushing over the side of his cheek. Their eyes met, Sesshoumaru didn't look away as her features softened and the tears that she couldn't shed made her body tremble.
"If I touch you... you'll disappear."
Without resistance, her hands moved down from his face to his neck, fingers digging into the soft flesh. Kikyou leaned over him and applied more pressure, the both of them falling against the ground. His eyes didn't leave her face, Kikyou's expression turned into a broken mask of fury and before Sesshoumaru could lose consciousness she released him and watched expressionlessly as he fought for breath.
"You...you...cough...cough..."
"I want you to hate me."
Looking back at her after gaining back his breath Sesshoumaru growled out: "Hate you!?"
"I want you to hate me enough to kill me."
"What is this? Why-"
"Why didn't you fight back!" Kikyou screamed back, cutting off his words. "Why didn't you fight back? Hate me, kill me, but don't just sit there and take it!"
Sesshoumaru looked away and then back at her, moving quickly he grabbed her by the shoulders before she could move away.
"The meaning of life... Even if I sacrifice my life for you, nothing will be born from it. Just like us, nothing will be born from this useless emotion, this union. Yet I'm holding on."
Kikyou didn't return the embrace. Her shoulders shook once as she rested her head against his chest. Her nails bit into the flesh of his bare chest as she finally held on to him. The two of them seemed awkward in the middle of the quiet darkness of the forest; two beings that only knew how to inflict pain coming together only to hurt each other once more.
The blood from Sesshoumaru's wound clotted, the cut healed and then was reopened again and again while the bruises from Kikyou's fingers faded on his neck. Yet the pain still continued, bitting into the both of them, fiercer than the pain from the past and drowning out the present hatred.
The moment was broken by the movement of Kikyou's lips, her voice cutting through him.
"You can't spin a happy ending from a tragic tale, nor love from hate. I want you to hate me."
"Hate you..."
"If you die I live, if you live I die. I can't love you."
...Because all I have is my hatred. Those were her unspoken words. Kikyou was born from hatred, she existed because of hatred, without it she ceased to exist. Even the slightest touch of love, of any feeling besides it, would destroy her. Any touch from him would just quicken her slow death.
Sesshoumaru didn't move. Even if he had told himself many times it was only physical the proof of that lie was in his arms. Her words revealed the truth that he had tired to hide. Without knowing how, his hand still tangled with her hair came to hold one of his swords. In the dark it was hard to distinguish which one it was, the cold metal all feeling the same.
Kikyou sighed, her bare back brushing against the edge of the blade, creating a crack on her body that deepened into a hole. The light of the souls inside lighting up the darkness.
"You're right. I am a liar."
Kikyou moved her head to look up at him, Sesshoumaru rested his chin on the top of her head, preventing her from looking up, from keeping him from "hating" her. From killing her.
She spun a web in her hands with the strands of his hair in her fingers, he spun the truth from her.
Breathing in deeply, repeating the familiar pattern, weaving another regret—the sacrifice called life.
Sesshoumaru never looked back, even as the blade cut into the both of them, even after everything was said and done between him and Inuyasha, even after Naraku he never looked back at what he had done.
It ended as quietly as it had began.
Rin looked up as the sound of Sesshoumaru's footsteps came to be behind her. She looked up at him with bright brown eyes as he held out his hand to her.
"Let's go Rin."
Rin nodded, the tears on her cheeks drying. She reached up and put her hand in Sesshoumaru's larger hand. As she stood up Rin said:
"She was a good lady. I miss her."
Sesshoumaru picked up Rin and looked down at her. "So do I. Jaken-"
The toad demon behind them stiffened with fear from the icy tone in Sesshoumaru's voice. The old Sesshoumaru seemed to have returned, and with it the familiar pace of their life.
"-let's go."
The life that we live is only another thread, another thread on the spindle of life.
(Spindle—Fin)
Author's Note: This, unlike "Of Light and Darkness" (which can be found on my website) is actually well made for something made in 2-4 hours. It started off as an idea; originally Kikyou was going to die by Naraku in the final battle for this series (I haven't seen the last episode, so don't spoil it for me) and it was going to be Sesshoumaru's thoughts on that. But then it evolved into this work and the idea changed. It really doesn't need to be Sess/Kik, it can probably be formated to fit any series or pairing, this is more like a thought on life than a fan fiction. But at least I archived one of my goals: angst. Sesshoumaru was ooc character in this, but I don't care.
Like it or hate it, this to me will always be one of my favorites.
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