Disclaimer: Axis Powers Hetalia is owned by Hidekaz Himaruya. This fan-work is non-profit.
A/N: Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying one language can be better than another (speaking as an American). This is done for humor/humour only. Seriously, I'm sure people argue about this all the time, but we should all try to get along despite our differences right? So enjoy. (BTW, I wasn't sure how to rate this due to England's potty mouth. :P)
England didn't go to America's house often, but sometimes he'd drop by for a (somewhat) friendly visit. Today was one of those days, and little did he know he would soon have a huge headache by the end of the day.
"Oh hey England", America greeted, "come in and take a seat. I'll get us some drinks." England found himself a seat on the couch. The TV was on, apparently America was watching a football game, and by football England meant that sport America called "soccer" for whatever reason. America came back with some beers and sat next to England.
"Soccer's great isn't it?" England, against his better judgment, decided he had to say something.
"Why don't you call it football like everyone else?" America's face immediately grew serious.
"You're not going to start that again are you?"
"Who says I'm starting anything? I just asked a simple question."
"Well I know where this is going, you're going to tell me that I'm an idiot for being different, and that my English is stupid as well."
"That bloody language you call 'English' is total rubbish."
"It's not like your English is any better, and besides, you used to call it soccer too."
"Since when?"
"It was like a couple hundred years ago, but that still makes you a hypocrite."
"Don't start with me; even if I did, football is still the proper name for it!"
"Canada calls it soccer too."
"Who? Oh, right. But it's still you two against the rest of the world."
"I could care less."
"Don't you mean I couldn't care less?"
"Who cares?"
"God, this is just like when I was teaching you how to spell when you were little."
(Almost 300 years ago)
England had been teaching little America to write. After all, he'll need to know how if he wants to be a fully functioning colony. America scribbled his words from the day's lesson and showed it to England. Among the words were "realize", "center", "theater", "check", and "color".
"America, you spelt these wrong."
"I did? But I sounded it out like you told me to. They should be right."
"Well that's good, but you're mixing up letters. Look, it should be spelled realise, centre, theatre, cheque, and colour."
"But that doesn't make any sense at all."
"That's how it's spelled in the dictionary."
"Then the dictionary must be wrong."
"The dictionary can't be wrong America."
"Well you said 'center' and I spelled it 'center'! You didn't say cen-treh! And why does 'color' need an extra 'u' anyway?"
"America, don't make this more difficult than it has to."
"This is stupid. I'm going to fix these words so they'll be spelled how they sound."
(Back to the present)
"You still spell it 'aluminum' don't you?", England sighed.
"You started it! And I still think your English is retarded."
"You're the one who keeps making up meanings for words! Like that time I wanted to borrow a rubber."
"You mean an eraser."
"Of course I meant an eraser! Why do you think I would want to borrow a condom from you?"
"You're the one who asked for it." England face-palmed in exasperation.
"Bloody hell this is getting annoying. Let's just watch the game."
"I would except the game is almost over already."
"Damn it all, you and your stupid language."
"Calm down already England. Why don't you talk to Australia instead if you love your language so much?"
"His English is more tolerable than yours, but you pretty much ruined that too."
"Did you come here just to argue with me?"
"No, although I'm thinking I should've just stayed home today."
"Then why don't you go home then?"
"Forget it, my brothers are being arses again."
"You mean 'asses'."
"No I don't." America simply smirked and lay back in his seat.
"Hey, how about we just have a drink and forget about it okay?" England had told himself he wouldn't drink again, but he decided that being a little drunk wouldn't be that bad.
"Fine, you got any ale?" America handed him a bottle and they drank throughout the evening.
Sometime later, England woke up back at his house with no explanation. There was a note nearby written in America's familiar scrawl. It said: "Hey England, I forget how crazy things get when you're drunk. I decided to bring you back to your place. I would've let you stay at my house, but I figured you'd be overwhelmed from being with my heroic self for too long. :D Just kidding. Anyway, don't let what happened today become a big deal okay? You can speak English and I can speak (American) English. I wouldn't want you to decide to stop being my drinking buddy just because of something stupid. America" England simply smiled to himself. Leave it to him to get worked up around America. It was then he noticed something else on the bottom of the note. It read: "P.S.: Be grateful I managed to stop you before you took off your pants. Awkward. LOL" England grimaced.
"I really hope he meant 'trousers'…"
Thanks for reading. Reviews would be nice!