Birthday
They say a mother's love is the greatest love of them all.
When I met my newborn son, I understood what they meant. I was so overwhelmed with love for him, I though I might burst. In that moment, I knew I had made the right decision. Many people had tried to persuade me to terminate the pregnancy. My friends and foster parents alike didn't understand but I was convinced my baby was meant to be born.
He lay on my chest and we just stared at each other for the longest time. The nurse marveled at how alert he was for a newborn. I nodded knowingly; there was wisdom in his dark blue eyes. They peered right through me and I reflected: here was an old soul that had been here before and seen a lot. I still couldn't understand why he'd been born to me, but I felt blessed that he'd chosen my womb to call home for 9 months.
I dutifully counted his toes and fingers and I stroked the soft dark curls adorning the crown of his head. I could tell he hadn't inherited many of my physical traits and it occurred to me that he looked more like her…Maybe it was a sign, although I didn't need it. I'd already made up my mind the moment I saw him.
"Do you have a name yet?" The nurse asked, unaware of my peculiar situation.
I shrugged. I wasn't one of those girls who had their names all picked out since the 7th grade. I'd never thought of myself as the motherly type.
"What's your name?" I whispered to the tiny bundle in my arms. I touched my lips to his forehead, inhaling that distinct baby scent and that's when it came to me. Somewhere in the deep recess of my mind, I heard a voice say: "Gabriel."
"His name is Gabriel," I heard myself say. "Just like the angel."
And I wept when they took my angel away.
It was the 4th of July and Las Vegas vibrated with excitement. Crimes seemed to take a backseat as families gathered to celebrate. Feasts were being prepared and fireworks were ready to be sparked.
Out in the suburbs, it was a more somber atmosphere at the Grissom household. Gil tiptoed around the kitchen, preparing breakfast as his wife indulged in a rare late morning snooze. Or at least, he hoped she was sleeping. Although he went out of his way not to bring up the holiday, she must have known what day it was. Independence Day didn't bring forth many happy memories for the newlyweds.
Just as Grissom was debating whether or not he should go check on Sara, she appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Smiling and looking rested, she didn't show any signs of the grief he'd expected.
He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and a reverent bow towards the table. "At your service, Madame." He helped her to a chair and brought the first course, a lavish fruit salad.
She scanned the counter and saw two muffin pans and a bowl of pancake batter lying among the scattered dishes.
"I'm not sure what I did to deserve this but let me know and I'll do it again," she said before taking a mouthful of berries.
"You know I'd make you breakfast every morning if I could." With Sara now working the day shift, they rarely got to share a meal. Most days she left for work while he was still at the lab and he knew she never bothered with breakfast.
"Once your leave of absence is approved, you can start making up for lost time."
"Yeah...Sara, I've meant to tell you about that-"
"You did ask Ecklie, didn't you?" She waited for his answer, spoon suspended in mid-air.
"I though it might be wiser to wait until after the baby is born. You know...just in case."
"Just in case of what?" She eyed him in disbelief. "You've got to have faith. Gil, I need to know you're in this with me."
"I am in this with you. I just want you to say that you understand the risks. We can't get ahead of ourselves." He seemed hurt.
She lowered the spoon and moved some fruit around. When she looked up, her eyes were bright with tears but her voice didn't quiver. "Are we going to address the elephant in the room? Maybe we should get it out of the way so we can enjoy this day and concentrate on the child that's coming."
"Sara-"
"Our son would have been 2 years old today," she interrupted. "I know you don't like to talk about what happened but maybe we should."
"I don't want to upset you-"
"I've made peace with it. I'll never forget him and I'll always miss him but I've come to accept that he wasn't meant to live. You have to be able to move on, there's another child that needs us."
"Honey," he knelt next to her and laced her fingers with his. "That's just it. I'm terrified something will happen with this child, too. I'm afraid I won't be able to rest easy until we bring him or her home."
"Him, it's a boy-"
"What? How…I thought you didn't want to know."
"I don't." She cleared her throat and held his confused gaze. "I had a dream…"
He knew not to question Sara's dreams. Two years ago to the day, she'd woken up in tears after dreaming of losing the baby. He'd dismissed it at the time to first-time parents' jitters. Mere hours later she'd gone into premature labor and the baby hadn't survived.
"Was it a good dream?" He asked gently..
She nodded vigorously as she swiped the sleeve of her robe against her cheeks. "The best!"
He gave a bittersweet smile as her face became a mask of contradiction and the tears gave way to a beaming smile. "I dreamed that an angel came down to announce that a son would be entrusted to me."
"Like the angel Gabriel announced to Mary?"
"Yes, if you want to get all biblical on me," she rolled her eyes but she was still smiling. "There's more…"
Grissom nodded for her to go on.
"Call me crazy, but I have a feeling our son will be born today."
"But the due date isn't for another 2 weeks." Worry had crept in his voice.
"It's not unusual to give birth a couple of weeks prior to due date. The baby would be fine."
She shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable to have shared so much. "It's just a gut feeling."
At that moment, the phone rang and they both looked at it with wide eyes.
"If this is them I'm officially scared of you," Grissom said only half jokingly before answering with a shaky hand.
He gave her a spooked look, his mouth hung open. It was indeed the adoption agency.
I wept as they took him away.
Knowing that I was doing the right thing didn't make it any easier. I loved my baby boy so much. It's that unselfish love that allowed me to see that I couldn't offer him all that he needed.
I'd wanted the Grissoms to be the parents from the moment I read their file. On paper they seemed great: a well educated mature couple devoted to each other. When I met them in person, they won me over. I discovered that Sara was a foster child like me and it gave me hope. It made me believe that one day, I might just become as great a person as she is. One day, I might even make a good mother myself.
I felt awful for not being able to promise them anything. But I needed to meet my son in order to be sure. Strange as it may sound, I needed to look into his eyes to know that he belonged with them. I had to hold him and tell him that I loved him before I gave him away to his rightful parents. Everybody said it would make it harder for me to let go, and maybe it did, but I just had to.
I still can't see the big picture. I still don't understand why it had to happen this way. But every time I think of Gabriel, it reminds me that I'm capable of great things. After all, I gave birth to an angel and, although I haven't kept in touch with them to ask, I'm convinced his parents would agree.
As always on the 4th of July Las Vegas vibrated with excitement. Just as the previous years, crimes seemed to take a backseat as families gathered to celebrate. Feasts were being prepared and fireworks were ready to be sparked.
Out in the suburbs, it was a most joyful atmosphere at the Grissom household. It was Gabriel's first birthday.
Sara was just putting the final touches on the birthday cake when the bell rang.
"Gil, can you get that?"
He rounded the corner, holding the baby's hands as a very cautious Gabriel took a few unsteady steps. Grissom let go of his hands and the baby wobbled a bit before falling on his behind. Grissom scooped him up in his arms as the bell ran a second time.
Sara looked fondly at the two men in her life and smiled. "You have to give the kid a break, he'll walk soon enough."
"I know, I know and don't come crying to me when he's got you running all over the place." He finished for her.
The door opened on an impatient Catherine tapping her foot. Her demeanor soon changed and she broke into a wide grin when the baby reached for her. Shoving the present she was holding towards Grissom she grabbed the baby.
"Hi there, Gabe!" She cooed at him. "How's my big boy doing?"
Grissom and Sara exchanged a knowing look and suppressed a laugh; they both got a kick out of hearing Catherine's baby talk. It'd been a surprise to both of them to see their colleague fall under the baby's spell.
"He's doing great." Sara replied as the redhead bounced the boy on her hip. "Gil here is putting him through a tough regiment that consists of trying to walk and say Dada."
"Mama." Gabriel replied on cue.
Grissom frowned. "It's a work in progress."
"Well maybe if you stopped pushing your bugs on him, he might be more inclined to listen." Catherine gestured to the multitude of insect shaped toys and stuffed animals littering the living room.
She noticed the lady bug shaped cake and raised an accusatory brow at Sara.
"Believe me Cat, sometimes it's easier to just go with the flow."
A few moments later, the rest of the guests had arrived. Jim, Greg, Warrick and Nick all showed up, each carrying a present more colorful than the next.
After generous portions of cake had been eaten and presents unwrapped, the exhausted one year old had been put to bed and the adults had continued the celebration.
They sat by the pool listening to the echoes of the city's fireworks, and they reminisced about the old days when they all worked together.
As Sara and Grissom listened to their friends recount tales of the past, they both reflected on their own history and the events that had shaped them as a couple, as a family.
Tender thoughts and silent prayers were sent to the baby they had lost three years ago on this day. For all the pain they had gone through, grief had strengthened their relationship and ultimately it had brought them to the child that was meant to be theirs.
A last thought went out to the young woman who had given them a second chance and turned a dreadful date into a blessed event. Wherever she might be, they hoped she knew how privileged they felt to have been chosen as Gabriel's parents.
For two scientific minds it was sometimes hard to admit that there might be a bigger picture, a plan over which they had little control. But they had no doubt that things were just as they were meant to be.