Disclaimer: I do not own That '70s show or any of its characters.
Author's Note: I had no intention of writing a new story for a while. In fact, I have one on hold because I haven't had time to work on it. This story, however, is the result of my being inspired by a group of the most optimistic people I have ever met. Though they will most likely never read this, I dedicate this story to them.
Hyde stands in the front of the room, looking out at the eyes looking back at him, some familiar and others not so much. He feels his hands begin to shake so he brings them down before him and holds on to the table to steady them. He is unsure of what to do, and they can sense his confusion; he can tell from the way they stare at him, patiently waiting for him to speak. He could easily cower and run away to avoid the situation, it's what he would usually do anyway. This time, however, he knows it's not an option. He knows that if he walks away now, there would be no second chance, no turning back from his untimely demise which frankly, he's managed to prolong longer than he had expected.
He looks down at his steadying hands and then back out into the crowd where an older man slowly nods his head up and down in a way that is supposed to reassure him that it will be alright, but does the exact opposite actually. His nerves only increase as thoughts of failure swirl through his mind at speeds faster than he can process.
He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it immediately. Straight ahead, on the other side of the room, is a clock that reads 8:38. So far, he's wasted six minutes of everyone's time and this, too, causes him anxiety.
He grabs hold of the table tighter than before and closes his eyes for a moment. Just one moment in which everyone around him vanishes and leaves him alone to his thoughts, his convoluted and twisted thoughts. The same thoughts, in fact, that have led him to this very moment. He can't seem to be able to stop thinking about all the excess in his life, as harmful as it is, it fills him. Everything that hurts him only fuels him to push it a step further, see how much he can take. It's almost a challenge with himself, to prove he's stronger than he thinks he is.
He opens his eyes and everything comes into focus. The eyes are still staring at him and the man is still nodding his head. They know that he has no idea what he's doing. He feels their stares burning deep into the core of his being and it burns. It burns more than the stares he's gotten all his life because these people know him, they are him. Every painful moment he's felt has run through their veins, throbbing uncontrollably to the point where it is unbearable. They are him, and he is them.
"Hi, my name is Hyde," he starts and quickly scans the room and sees a few smiles directed at him.
He nods his head and takes this as a good sign, a step in the right direction. "I...I don't have to say why I'm here, I'm sure most of you can figure it out. It may be the same reason you're here. I don't usually do this kind of thing, in fact I never do this. Standing in front of people and talking isn't what I do. I don't actually know what I do, I just sort of do it.
Some of you might be looking at me and expecting some big revelation, maybe some big secret that you haven't figured out yet. I can't offer you that, mostly because I haven't discovered it either, whatever it is. I'm told, however, by people who have figured it out, that it's worth waiting for. I guess maybe that's why I'm here."
He pauses for a moment and looks down at his hands. They're not shaking as much as before. He takes a deep breath before looking back out at the group.
"I grew up not really having any religious affiliation, it wasn't something my parents cared too much about. I don't believe in a God or that heaven exists. I don't believe in pearly gates and forgiveness after it's all over, hell, I wouldn't be forgiven even if I did believe in that stuff. Before I came here, someone asked me how it's possible to be hopeful about the future if I don't believe in anything, if I have nothing to look forward to. I keep thinking about it, been thinking about it for a while now and I haven't figured out the answer. All I know is that there has to be something here, we can fight for. I think it's bullshit that we get fed these stories about a higher being who will reward us for being good and responsible and all that other after school special shit. We're supposed to be the sort of people who give a fuck about others, even though they never gave a fuck about us. I don't know about any of you, but I've had a pretty shitty life. Most of it is my fault, I'll admit that, but I haven't been able to be a good person since I was a kid. Not everyone has that option and many times we get into some really messy shit, some of it we can't get out of."
He takes a deep breath, feeling his heartbeat racing as memories of his childhood surface and the feelings of pain and rejection emerge all over again. Every emotion he's bottled in for most of his life is spilling out in front of all these people and he can't seem able to stop it. Part of him wants to let it pour out until there is nothing left, no more resentment or baggage to continue carrying. This could be his way out of the reigns holding him to his past.
"I can stand here and tell you about all the problems I had with my parents or how fucked up my last relationship was. I can blame people for contributing to my being here, and it would be easy. It would be so easy to make them responsible for this. Talking about them and their problems makes it easier to avoid talking about my own, but I'm tired of doing that. It hasn't gotten me anywhere because my problem isn't with them, it's with me. So let me tell you what my problem is.
My problem is that I'm two people. I'm Jekyll and Hyde personified, which is appropriate considering" he says and earns a few laughs from the others.
"Sometimes I'm like Jekyll, just a nice guy who other people like, want to be around. I can be quiet and helpful...I, uh...I actually care about not hurting people around me when I'm Jekyll. Not a lot of people get to see that side though."
Hyde pauses for a moment, reflecting on his comment and realizing how his polarizing personalities have driven people away from him. They have destroyed countless relationships and hurt the people he cares most about.
"The rest of the time, most of the time actually, I become this...monster. I used to call it zen, because I thought it was cool to just sit back and let people do their own thing, even if I knew what they were doing was bad, I let it happen anyway. I was that guy, the aloof, unemotional guy who wouldn't commit to anything and didn't care if your feelings were hurt as long as I got my way. It only got worst as time went on and my addiction became serious. My problem...is that somewhere along the way, I killed Jekyll. That decent part of me, however small it was, I rid myself of it and all that's left is someone who can't feel, can't care...someone who feels pleasure hurting others. I push away the people who care about me because I don't know how to deal with their worry or judgement, even if they're not judging me at all. All I want to do is get high, get as high as I can for as long as I can.
Even now, it's been six months, three weeks and five days and I struggle to keep myself away from the things that bring me joy. I struggle because I know what makes me happy makes everyone around me miserable but sometimes I don't care and I want to just run out and get as much of whatever I can get my hands on and just feel that joy again, escape for a moment. I know that's Hyde talking and I fight to suppress that part of me and it's challenging and it's something I deal with every day and probably will for the rest of my life. But when I see the people who love me and I see how much I hurt them, I know, I know, that they will not be able to go through what I put them through again.
I don't want to lose them, and sometimes I worry that Hyde will end up winning and destroy the few good things I have in my life. I'm scared that I won't be strong enough next time. I worry about that all the time.
In closing, I just want to say that I've been able to reflect a lot through this process and as I'm slowly trying to mend what I've destroyed over the years, I remain hopeful that I'll be able to bring Jekyll back to life. Thank you."
Hyde slowly lifts his hands off the table and watches as they shake slightly from the lack of contact. The others applaud and Hyde looks back up. He spots the older man and nods at him.
It will be alright.