Full Circle
Rated: PG-13 (language)
Category: Angst, Minor Character Piece/POV (Burke-Evolution), Tiny Bit Daniel/Jack Friendship
Season: Seven
Spoilers: Evolution, Part 2
Summary: Burke Realizes Some Things Have Been Missing.
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I don't even pretend to understand what's gone down in the last 24 hours. I don't want to understand. I think it's better that I don't.
Seriously. What a bunch of crazy shit!
It started with the usual request from the powers that be to collect information on a couple missing Americans. Common enough. Scientists and engineers are always losing their way down here in the jungle. Sometimes it's innocent enough. Other times, well, not so much.
This was a case of 'not so much'. These two had run into some pretty bad dudes in my neck of the woods. They were hot, though. Hot enough for the President to authorize an extraction.
Still, not out of the ordinary in my line of work. It wasn't until I started to hear a certain name bandied about that I started to really pay attention.
Jack O'Neill. The name brought up all sorts of memories for me. Some great, some not so great, and one unforgivably bad one.
Curiosity, as much as anything else, drove me to request his help on this one. I didn't ask for him because I wanted him. I did it because I knew there was no way he wasn't coming anyway. I knew this target was close to him somehow, and that it wasn't negotiable who would lead this one. Besides, better him than some unknown. I don't need any more variables in my life. I've been around the block a few times in this hellhole, and I don't need some young punk coming in and thinking he knows anything about anything down here. At least I know Jack. We may have some issues between us, but we've been through enough together that I know how he'll react when push comes to shove. I knew he'd do his job, and that's all that mattered to me.
Or so I'd thought. I'd thought this would be just another op. I'd thought I could put everything else away and just get this one done like all the rest. That Jack would be just another operative in a long list. He'd come in, we'd work, and then he'd go home while I continued to rot in this long forgotten outpost on the road to hell. Not a word would be spoken of it.
When Jack O'Neill actually walked back into my life, I was proven wrong. All hell broke loose.
I ended up deep in enemy territory with my old friend, waging a war on two fronts. A familiar one, with the bad guys, and a foreign one, with myself.
I had no intentions of discussing it. Really.
Down here, where lives are bought and sold like real estate, and justice is a bullet in the gut or a knife in the back, you find a way to get by without a conscience. When you live in a place like this, it's pretty easy to just give everything (and everyone) a nice, fat finger and move on.
I haven't cared about anything in a long time. I just shrug it all off. Happy-go-lucky, that's me. Nothing bothers old Burkey-boy. Nothing.
But I wasn't prepared for what seeing Jack again actually did to me.
I tried to play it off, like it was no big deal, but it didn't work. My jokes fell on deaf ears, and Jack's dedication to the missing men made me a little nervous. I knew this was serious shit. That this mark was important to him. It's been a while, but I think I know Jack O'Neill well enough to know that he doesn't get close to anyone easily, and that it takes a whole lot for him to wear his heart on his sleeve. So when I heard pain plain as day in his voice, I started to get a little worried. One of these guys was very important to Jack, and it was obvious. I felt like I was in a pressure cooker. Like I was being tested. Like I couldn't let Jack down again, after what had happened with Woods. God, Woods. No matter what I did, he wouldn't go away. His ghost got between Jack and I at every turn. Haunting me from the depths of O'Neill's eyes. I could feel the condemnation and distrust burning into me every time I had to look at Jack, and to be honest, it hurt. A lot. We'd been brothers once, a lifetime ago, and to see Jack now, only concerned with another while giving me the cold shoulder, well, it stung. More than I'd like to admit. He didn't know what had really gone down all those years ago, but telling him didn't seem like a great option. I figured he probably wouldn't believe me anyway.
I didn't know what to do. All I knew was that we had to get this one back. If he was that important to Jack, he had to be that important to me, too. We had to get him back. Even though Jack hadn't wanted my help, even though he had royally pissed me off right off the bat, he was going to get my best effort. Trust me, down here, Jack needs me. He's in my territory now. I'm just glad he believed me when I said I could get him where he needed to go. For just a second, it looked like he wasn't going to let me help him, and then two strangers to me would have paid the price for his pride.
As we walked, getting closer all the time to our objective, I started to lose the battle inside. Words started to tumble out of my mouth, almost without my control. Jack's silence was killing me. I could have dealt with his anger…his hate…anything but this. His stony silence left too much to the imagination, and I wondered how he could even think about going into this with me. How could he trust me to do this right when I had messed up so badly years before? I know he saw it that way, even if it wasn't true. Frankly I was still a little angry at him, too. He hadn't stood up for me when everything went down. Sure, he claims he didn't see what happened, and maybe he didn't. I don't know. It shouldn't have mattered. He should have stood up for me. We were buddies, and you don't leave your buddies high and dry.
The farther we went, the more anger and guilt built up in me, and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I needed Jack to know what really happened in that other hellhole. How I didn't shoot Woods for no good reason. How it wasn't even an accident. Not a friendly fire situation, really. I was defending my life. I saved Jack's ass along with my own. And now he dares to judge me?
Screw him.
It came out a little at a time, but when it was finally done, the judgment and anger had left Jack's face, and I felt a hell of a lot better, too. Perhaps it was time for us to let all of it go. I could tell Jack was mulling it over, deciding whether to believe me, but that was better than the cold distrust I had seen before I told my tale.
When the gunshots started ringing out through the trees, there was no time left to think about our petty problems. Lives were at stake, and we had work to do. Suddenly, things were like old times, the two of us working as a team, with little effort. I saw Jack take out three hostiles while I tried to get a better position to cover his attack. It seemed like it was over almost as soon as it began. I didn't even fire. But then, shit…I don't know what the hell I saw, and like I said, I don't really think I want to…all I know is Jack had obviously found the one he needed, and they were in trouble. I did what I had to do to protect them.
Somehow, the gods of combat smiled on me. I was in the right place at the right time, and two men are alive because of it. Guess the old Burke luck hasn't run out yet.
Not by a long shot. After we sorted out the mess and got our boys patched up a bit at the rudimentary camp the rebels had used, I got lucky again.
It seems Jack O'Neill and I have come full circle. I'm forgiven. Even if Jack hadn't spoken, his eyes told me that we were ok again. I only had one thing to say when he offered his thanks.
"Sure thing, buddy. Anytime, anywhere."
And I meant it. I didn't realize how much I missed having a friend like Jack in my life. I didn't realize how much I needed to feel connected to someone. It's easy to lose your perspective down here, but it seems there really are things in this world that still matter, even in this hellhole. I didn't realize how much baggage I was carrying around that I needed to let go. I didn't know that what Jack thought really mattered to me, or that finally letting the truth out, even if only to him, would release me from bonds of guilt I didn't even know I'd felt.
I know that Jack's not alone in this world, and I'm glad. I know that the place Woods and I once filled in his life is occupied by the man over there with a bullet in his leg. The bond Jack has with him is so strong I can nearly taste it, even though you'd be hard pressed to get Jack to admit to it. I want that in my life again. Someone I can lean on, and who can lean on me. I've been alone too long down here, never trusting anyone in order to stay alive. Knowing that if I ended up at the bottom of a ravine somewhere, no one would notice. Only a form letter from the state department would mark my passing. I don't want Jack's pity or his charity, but I do want to be able to let someone in, even if only on rare occasions. So, I'm here for you, Jack, if you'll take me back. Just tell me where and when and I'll be there. No one can go through this world for long without a little help from his friends.