March 15th
Dear Friend,
It's been awhile since we've spoken so I hope this letter finds you in good health. You've been one of the few who I've ever felt truly understood and so I apologize if you find my ramblings too intimate or crossing boundaries. You don't have to reply to these letters. In fact, you don't even have to read them if you don't want to.
I've been struggling with my demons lately. I can't sleep. My mind feels fogged, and I can't even concentrate on the cases as much as I usually do. I'll start thinking about victimology and about how to narrow our location down. But in an instant my mind just shuts down and I'm left staring blankly at the map in front of me for minutes, but never truly seeing the lines of patterns across the city. I think JJ has noticed. She's walked in a few times and caught me staring off into space. I noticed the flash of worry in her eyes. I don't want to burden them with my emotions so I keep it to myself whenever they ask.
I don't know whether this pain is true or stems from my mind and my loneliness. I lie awake at night and I feel as if there's nothing out there for me. I'm good at what I do. I catch killers. I bring justice. My genius mind is an asset that the BAU can't afford to lose. It's easy to get lost in the accolades. Even easier to keep your mind busy when there's so much evil to be caught. But what no one ever talks about is that feeling of being forsaken that seeps into you the moment you're alone in your home, the one place that should provide at least an ounce of comfort after a troubling day.
Sometimes I lay in bed for hours and it's like I can still feel the Dilaudid running through my veins. It's almost as if nothing has changed despite the years passing, friends leaving, and the lines on my face becoming more prominent. It's hard, for a lack of a better word as I write this at ungodly hours of the morning when you are surely asleep. I never thought it would be this way. Picturing a bright future was always what got me through my childhood. It's the reason I endured the teasing. The reason I even put my mom away. The day I joined the FBI I thought, finally, I found my place.
That was true for a while. I'm not so sure anymore.
Best Regards,
Spencer
March 28th
Dear Friend,
I continue to feel the same way. I still find myself caught up in my own head. I've begun to have migraines again and it terrifies me to think that I may be heading down the same road as my mother. I always knew I was special, but the moment I realized that my genius stemmed from an illness, suddenly I didn't feel special anymore. I felt cursed. I'm going to see a doctor soon. Maybe they'll figure out what's wrong this time around. I try to convince myself that it's just from lack of sleep because that's a much more comforting thought than the other possibility.
We got a new team member today. It seems like the millionth one now. It's like everyone moves on with their lives but I always seem to stay. Maybe it's because my job gives me the validation that I so desperately need. My only friends are here. That plays a role as well. At this point of my life the mere thought of change strikes a certain fear in me. I want things to be stable. I want to find joy and love. I dream of finding the perfect person. No, I take that back. She doesn't even have to be perfect. She just has to be loving, she just has to be understanding. I come with a lot of baggage, and maybe that's the reason why I remain alone. No one wants to date the man who sent their own mother away, who was addicted to a drug, who either babbles on over insignificant matters or remains silent for hours. No one wants someone who requires patience.
Anyway, I was left rooted to the floor the moment she walked in with JJ. I had never seen anyone so beautiful before. She introduced herself and I didn't shake her hand. I wanted to, but you know how I am. I was afraid that she would be insulted but thankfully she wasn't. Her eyes seemed so lively and her smile was… I can't think of the word to describe it. That's how much she took me by surprise, that I of all people can't think of a damn word.
I hope she stays. She radiates a warmth I've never felt before. It's something I could get used to.
Best Regards,
Spencer