Little Red Riding Elric

Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist

A/N: For my best friend Val with love.

Prologue:

"Tell me again why I have to be Little Red Riding hood?" asked Edward Elric as he was going over kittypirate17's script for her latest fanfiction.

"Because you are short and wear a red coat with a hood on it." said kittypirate17 while she wrote most of the cast except for the homunculi in the story.

"It's not so bad brother…" said Alphonse as he was adjusting his head "It's not like she didn't write you in at all."

"I AM NOT SHORT!" screamed Edward while kittypirate17 shoved milk in his open mouth. "What the hell are you trying to do to me woman?! I despise milk!"

"That is probably why you are so short; your bones need to grow."

"Okay that is it bitch!" said Ed as he summoned his hand blade.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." said kittypirate17 "One snap of my fingers, and all the fangirls will come pouring in along with the Mary Sues."

"For the love of…" Edward began, and then he sighed "Fine, I will do it."

"Wise choice." kittypirate17 gleamed.

Story:

It was a sunny day at the Elric house when grandmother Izumi called to tell them that she was ill and would like to see Edward. Trisha prepared some goodies in a picnic basket and Edward put on his red hood and waited for his mother to give him the picnic basket. "Now, Edward, be careful for the wolf that has been killing state alchemists in the woods."

"Yes, Mom." said Edward as he made his way down the trail, where Winry was there a few feet from his house.

"If you go poo-poo, don't wipe with poison ivy!" Trisha waved.

"MOM! That only happened once when I was five! I have more common sense now!" he blushed as Winry giggled.

"I take it that Granny Izumi's sick today so you are bringing her some goodies." said Winry.

"Yeah, I guess so." said Edward while he was walking at a fast pace.

"Not until I check your automail, mister!" said Winry.

"There is no time for that! I have to get to Grandma's house now!" said Edward as he ran down the path.

Lurking in the bushes, the big bad wolf thought this is delicious! The Full Metal Alchemist is within my grasp! he quietly followed him until the time was right. Edward met Alphonse the woodsman about half way through the forest. "Hello there, brother!" said Alphonse as he was looking at the axe. "How are you doing?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't know why I agreed with the author to do this…"

"Fangirls and Mary Sues!" said kittypirate17 with her fingers in the snapping position.

"Oh yeah, now I remember." said Edward with his face turning blue.

"Are you off to Izumi's house?" asked Alphonse.

"Yeah. Do you want me to bring her something?" said Edward.

"No just wondering."

Izumi was at home hacking up more blood today. Her husband was assisting her in and out of bed all day. Izumi got cold and he went out to get more firewood, but he had been gone for quite a while now. "What is taking that man so long?" she said to herself. She heard a knock at the door and said "Come on in Edward!" However, Edward did not come in, instead, the wolf came in. Scar had on his normal outfit, but the had flung a piece of fur over his head. "Oh my lord! You are one ugly chimera aren't you?"

"I am not a chimera; I am Scar, the killer of state alchemists!" he said as he gobbled her whole. He patted his belly, put on Izumi's clothes, and waited for Full Metal to show up. He had partly hoped that he would not come for a while so the husband and Izumi digested.

When Edward had made it to Grandma Izumi's house, he was relieved to have made it in one piece without being attacked by the big bad wolf. He walked in the house to find that Scar was in his grandma's bed and clothes. "Okay this is just getting ridiculous!" he said to kittypirate17. "Why is Scar the big bad wolf?!"

"Because he so graciously volunteered." she said. "Now shut the hell up and stick with the story."

"Grrrr." growled Edward as he approached Scar with a halfhearted smile. "Why Grandma, what big ears you have!"

"All the better to hear you with, Full Metal"

"What big hands you have!" he falsely gleamed.

"All the better to grope you with, Full Metal."

"WH- WHAT?!" stopped Edward.

"I mean all the better to choke the life out of you, Full Metal." Scar blushed.

"What big teeth you have!" Edward reluctantly continued.

"All the better to eat you with, Full Metal!" he said as he swallowed him whole. "You taste like shrimp, Full Metal." he teased.

Alphonse burst though the door to find that Scar was molesting a life size doll of his brother. Winry was right behind him with her automail gear. Alphonse lifted his axe, cut open the wolf's belly, and got Edward, Izumi and her husband out. Part of Edward's automail arm had been digested, so Winry put another one on him. The wolf ran away, leaving his intestine behind.

Epilogue:

"Thank you so much for doing this for me guys!" said kittypirate17.

"No problem!" said Alphonse. "At least you paid us!"

"We got paid?" said Edward "Why didn't you say so? I would have done anything for money."

"OH ISHBAL DON'T GIVE HER ANY IDEAS!" screamed Scar while he was sewing up his stomach.

"So when do we get paid?" asked Edward.

"I already gave the payment to Alphonse. You both should like it very much." kittypirate17 said as she walked out of the door.

"So where is our money, Al?"

"She didn't pay us in money, Ed."

"What did she pay us with?" asked Ed.

"Kitties!" he opened himself up to reveal two adult cats and eight kittens. "That's funny; she gave us two adult cats."

"EWWW! They made babies in you!" said Ed.

"Where do babies come from, brother?" asked Al.

"You don't know?!" screamed Ed. "Remember when Hughes' wife had their second child when we were over?"

"We never got around to discussing that sort of thing…"

"Well, Alphonse it is very simple…" began Winry.

"Could you and Winry demonstrate for me brother?" asked Alphonse.

"CURSE YOU KITTYPIRATE17!"